Path: ucdavis!ucbvax!agate!labrea!csli!rustcat
From: rustcat@csli.STANFORD.EDU (Vallury Prabhakar)
Subject: YACC (Yet another closet classic) - I
Message-ID: <6169@csli.STANFORD.EDU>
Date: 29 Oct 88 08:10:19 GMT
Reply-To: rustcat@csli.UUCP (Vallury Prabhakar)
Organization: Stanford University
I was cleaning out my directory when I came across some fantastic mail
that I'd received ages ago. This is humor of the highest quality and
I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
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Recently excavated clay tablets shed new light on the most
famous engineering failure in antiquity. Although some of the
words are conjectural, this translation contains a clear message
for modern engineers. Do you know someone who might benefit
from this voice from the past?
By Paul Pendragon (Translator)
I, Abibarshim, Great King, King of Kings, Ruler of Kish, Ba-
bil, Agade, and Sankhar, and of the regions across the Hilla,
conqueror of Nenevah, destroyer of Sepharia, having striven
mightily and met with grief, lay down this Code that ye may not
also strive mightily and meet with grief, nor fall flat on thy
ass.
For I, Abibarshim, King of Kings, and all that, did buy many
Aethyopeans and hire many artisans and scribes and masons and
Makers of Engines and Designers of Buildings. And great was
their craft and great their number, which was one hundred
and forty four thousand, give or take a few job-shoppers. Yea,
they did strive mightily, too, for they knew what would hap-
pen if they strove not mightily. And the name of my
capital improvement project was the Tower of Babil.
Yea, great was their craft and wonderful to behold what the
Designers of Buildings wrought on papyrus. All who looked
thereon did marvel at their genius. I, Abibarshim, did also look
thereon and did declare their designs to have much nift.
But many days did pass, and many times did the moon wax and wane,
and the tower was not yet builded.
So I, Abibarshim, King of Kings, did hie me to the palace by the
Arakhtu where dwelt the Designers of Buildings and Makers of
Engines. And there I found NOT Designers of Buildings and Makers
of Engines, but Drinkers of Coffee and Tellers of Tales (whom
mem call hurlers of bull dung). So I vented my royal spleen,
which did perturb them mightily.
"Look here, O King, etc.," saith the Chief of the Makers of
Engines. "Some things can't be rushed. If thou wantest us to
get thy bloody tower builded on time, then thou hadst better
givest us a little respect. For canst thou build thy tower
without us?"
"But I have given thee this palace in which thy work may be done,
and I pay thee many talents of gold and silver, plus all the usu-
al fringies. What more wouldst thou have me do to get this pro-
ject moving?"
"Well, thou canst start with alabaster lamps for the draughts-
men," saith the Chief of the Makers of Engines, refilling
his cup. "And maybe draughting instruments of silver and elec-
trum..."
"Thou shalt have them. Just get my tower builded." And I, Abi-
barshim, King of Kings, did depart the palace of the Makers
of Engines with my tail betwixt my legs.
And many days did pass, and many times did the moon wax and wane,
and the tower was still not yet builded. So I, Abibarshim,
did corner the Chief Scribe and ask him, "What goeth on here?"
The Chief Scribe fell to his knees and said: "O Great and Mer-
ciful King, the Makers of Engines give us scrolls of material
for to purchase. But, verily, no man knoweth what the scrolls
signify, save the Makers of Engines themselves. For they
call not a spade a spade, but call it here a delver and there a
digger and another place an entrenching tool and yet another a
geovolvometer, so that the scroll of material agreeth not
with the design papyrus. And strange to behold is their numerol-
gy."
So I, Abibarshim, gave certain orders to try to keep the Makers
of Engines from creating their own language, saying, "How
did it come to pass that those who have such swiftness of mind,
even as the gazell, lack the sense of geese?"
And many days did pass, and many times did the moon wax and
wane, and the estimate did wax and never waned, and the tower
was not yet builded.
So then I did ask the Chief Mason, "What giveth?" and he,
throwing himself prostrate before me, spake thus:
"O King, every day we toil from dawn until the dusk! Every week
the Makers of Engines say they have wrought new and niftier
designs, of which we knew not, and what we have builded hath been
fashioned unto obsolete papyri. Then my team teareth down
and starteth over, O Great King, Merciful King, King of
Kings...."
So I, Abibarshim, gave certain orders that did fix those designs
thenceforth.
But many days did pass, and the tower did rise slower than sap
rolleth down the bark of a tree.
So I, Abibarshim, did seek out the Chief Aethyopean, who seemed
to know where it's at, and asked, "How come no tower?"
And he did answer, "O Great and Merciful King, I be running
short of bolt tighteners."
"Well, buy some more!"
"I have, O King, but each one either getteth used up or runneth
off as soon as he learneth his trade."
"Which is?"
"The Makers of Engines have designed the granite facing panels
such that no man hath arms long nor thin enough to reach the
bolts. Thus each panel requireth that a bolt tightener crawl
behind and affix the bolts."
"So?"
"So then he cannot get back out, O King, but is entombed there
forever."
I, Abibarshim, did then call for a redesign which cost us three
months and one thousand gold talents. But the days did pass
and the tower had attained only four tiers in height. So I did
go to the Chief Scribe to inquire why.
"O King, we have been awaiting, lo, these many months, the
columns of Corinthian marble for the fifth tier."
"Is marble from Corinth so hard to find, then?"
"Nay, Sire, but the Corinthian stone cutters make columns only in
heights which be whole numbers of cubits. And the Makers of
Engines have specified columns which be twelve cubits plus
eleven-seventeenths part of a cubit. Such columns are not to
be found in all of Corinth as an off-the-shelf item."
"Well, let's just change the drawings and round them off to
thirteen cubits even."
"Nay, Sire, for they must match unto the interior columns,
which are bought pre-cut from Ionia and which we have aplenty."
"Okay, we'll cut the Ionian columns down and go unto twelve cu-
bit columns all around."
"Nay, for the Ionian columns be all of one piece with their
capitals. To shorten them would mean cutting off their capi-
tals."
"What in the name of Marduk is wrong with that? We can just fit
new capitals on top of the shortened columns!"
"Nay again, Sire. The entire structure unto the very top is
designed around monobloc columns. To add new capitals would
weaken the fifth and higher tiers and require a complete
redesign!"
I, Abibarshim, King of Kings, avouch that Makers of Engines,
for all their craft, know not how to fly. For surely the
Chief of the Makers of Engines and all his men would have flown
down, had they known how, from the fourth level of my tower,
from which parapet I, Abibarshim, King of Kings, had them flung.
Therefore have I, Abibarshim, King of Kings, created this Code
and ordered it displayed at the Coffee Machine and all
other places where hangeth out the Designers of Buildings and
Makers of Engines.
THE CODE OF ABIBARSHIM
I. Once thou decidest that name to call a thing,
that shall be its name forever after, until
eternity passeth. Nor shalt thou call any
other thing by that name, for each thing shall
have a name unto itself.
II. And in like manner shall be the enumeration of
each thing.
III. Continue not to design a thing unto
perfection, for, verily, an ounce of
timeliness is more valuable than a pound of
perfection. Once thou hast approved a design,
go not back and improve it, unless of
necessity most dire.
IV. Cover not thy tracks but make thy calculations
plain, that those who follow thee may trace
any error to its beginning and thus set it and
all its brethren upon the path of
righteousness.
V. And mock not the necessary papyrus work, for
it is the handmaiden of what thou createst in
stone and iron. Completest all thy papyri as
thou goest and hoardest them not as a surprise
for manufacturing.
VI. Attendest first to that which hath the most
importance. Waste not time fixing thy wind to
heavy papyrus with wire.
VII. He who designeth without a plan is like he who
rusheth forth into darkness without a torch.
Rush not ere thou knowest whither, for there
are many snares and pitfalls in the dark, and
wild beasts to reach up and bite thine ass or
camel on the path named Critical.
VIII. Specify not odd-ball sizes and kinds of
things, but design unto standards, that the
scribes may buy stuff off-the-shelf and dabble
not with specials.
IX. Designest not assemblies which require four
arms to put together or operate. Verily, the
guy we hire in these days hath not four arms
but ten thumbs.
X. Remember well that all which thou designest
shall be a balance of time and cost and
quality and function. If thou attendest not
to all four, then miserable shall be thy lot
and brief thy employment (unless thou knowest
how to fly).
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There'll be more later. Till then..
-- Vallury Prabhakar
rustcat@cnc-sun.stanford.edu
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