Marriage: Parental Conflicts

MARRIAGE: WHAT YOU OUGHT TO KNOW

[How to get married, to whom and when is a question that haunts and
torments majority of the young British Muslims. The threat facing this
core institution is a threat that threatens the very nature and
existence of the community. A honest and responsible discussion of the
matter is now long overdue says Dr. Mutawalli ad Darsh.]

Marriage is an essential part of the Islamic way of life. It is the
only way in which a man or a woman can have a sexual relationship. The
Qur'an put it very clearly in the verses which describe the faithful:
`And those who restrain their sexual passion. Except in the presence
of their mates, or those whom their right hands possess, for such
surely are not blameable. But whoever seeks to go beyond that, such
are transgressors.' [Qur'an 23:5 71]

As those whom their right hand possess are no more existing, what
remains is the wife. Fornication is a great crime and punishable,
sometimes to the loss of life in Islam.

Early Marriage
It is advisable to get married early in life once the person, male or
female, reaches the age of maturity and is not hindered physically and
financially to do so. The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) is
reported to have said:

`O young people, who of you is able to shoulder the responsibility of
marriage let him get married. This will lower his gaze, and keep
him/her chaste. Who is not, let him/her keep fast. For fasting will
reduce the desire (or the physical pressure)'. If the hadith is making
marriage conditional on the ability, financial or otherwise, the
Qur'an encourages helping the poor get married, Allah most Gracious
said: `And marry those among you, who are single, and those who are
fit. If they are needy Allah will make them free from want, out of His
grace, And Allah is ample giving, knowing' (24:32)

Another tradition makes it clear that Allah has given a firm promise
to help persons who get married despite being needy and those who do
so because they want to maintain their chastity.

Choice in Marriage

Marriage in Islam is a long life experience. Muslims do not get
married to "experiment", or because it's "fun and play". Neither do
they marry for a limited period. They marry to settle down, have
children, and cement family relationships. If the marriage is
successful, it is a great social and moral bond, creating a happy
prosperous relationship within the parties concerned. If it fails, it
causes upheaval and results in tension and a sour relationship. That
is the reason why Muslims, male and female, and the families
concerned, are all advised to be careful and choosy of the parties
concerned.

As the male is the one who is socially expected to propose, the
Prophet advised him to look for the right choice. He said: `A woman is
to be sought for marriage either because she is beautiful, or wealthy,
or of a noble descent or for her good upbringing and religiosity. Seek
the last one and you will be successful.'

The hadith does not exclude the other motives. It is simply saying
that let your first consideration be the last quality.

Equality in Marriage
There is no class system in Islam. The Qur'an speaks about human
brotherhood and equality as basic precepts: `O mankind, surely we have
created you from a male and female, and made your tribes and families
that you may know each other (not that you may despise each other).
Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is he who is
most righteous of you.' (49:13)

But Muslim jurists who were considering the implication of marriage
and its success, took into account norms and customs of different
communities. There are tribal societies as well as class ridden
societies too. Custom was their main argument when they talked about
equality between the two partners. The woman, in particular, is the
one who is   with her family   most likely to be at a disadvantage.
That is why the ulema stipulated that the man is to be equal to her in
her social status. A woman of noble family may not marry a commoner.
Male royalties are free to marry a commoner. The implication of this
is that there is no shame upon him to do that. The family of the woman
has a right of objection if she chooses to marry a commoner. She, too,
if she is not of age and her father gave her in marriage, has the
right to opt out of such an unequal relationship when she reaches the
age of puberty. Now, this concept of equality is very important here,
particularly with the Hanafi school of thought as we shall see below.

Guardianship
The Hanafi school of thought, to which the overwhelming majority of
British Muslim belong, is unique in its concept of guardianship in
marriage. They divide it into two categories.

a) Limited or confined guardianship: This concerns the right of a
person who is legally entitled to enter into contracts. Muslim jurists
of all schools of thought agree that a mature sane man has the right
to enter into a contract of marriage with any woman who accepts to
marry him, and that he is free to offer her the dowry which she
demands and is prepared to accept. No one has the right to object to
the man's contractual obligation, whether father, mother, son or
uncle.

b) Shared or recommended guardianship: This is where the Hanafi school
is unique. The two Sheikhs, Abu Hanifa and Abu Yusuf say: The sane,
mature girl enjoys the right of limited contract; limited in the sense
that it affects her. She is free to enter into a contract of marriage
on her own, without the need of any male relative guardian father or
otherwise.

Such a contract, however, is valid on the condition that:

i) The man is equal to her in social outlook, education, age, wealth,
or the ability to provide for her one months maintenance at the most.

ii) The dowry is equal to that which is given to a girl of her
position. Once these two conditions are fulfilled the contract of
marriage is valid and no one has the right of objection.

However, shared guardianship means that the girl in that position may
give the right to her father to contract marriage on her behalf. This
is recommended. In the view of the two Sheikhs the father has no right
to force a mature and sane girl into a marriage without her consent.
For evidence they refer to the hadith of the Prophet (PBUH) saying
that: `the virgin is to be consulted in her marriage.' Hence to marry
a person against her will, i.e. forcing her, is a negation of that
right.

The argument is further vindicated by another analogy. The guardian
has no right to spend one single penny of the girls wealth without her
permission. If she has a right to determine how a small amount of her
money is to be spent how then can she not have a say in her marriage  
one of the most important event likely to take place in her life?

Relatively speaking this is the most liberal view on the crucial issue
and it is to the credit of the two Sheikhs. For their opinions both
protects and free mature Muslim girls from the yoke of forced marriage

Ibn Al Quayyim said, `The virgin, sane, mature girl, her father has no
right to dispose of any of her wealth without her consent. How can he
give her in marriage to someone, who is most hated by her, against her
will and make her a prisoner in his house?

Arranged marriage
Muslims living in the West are somehow, in a different, sometimes
difficult situation. They wish to secure a decent, happy, successful
future for their children. As a thinly spread community, the
opportunity of finding the right partner for their children is not as
wide or easily available as it is when living within a Muslim society.
Matters are further complicated by traditional values and concerns.
Matching cousins, for instance, is one very widespread way of dealing
with the problems of marriage in Muslim societies. A marriage between
related people is no threat, glides through many cultural barriers and
most of the time has the benefit of community support. Such unions
ensure that family name and interests are protected and familial
relationships are continued.

The approach leads to the concept of arranged marriages. Whatever its
shortcomings this method is the most successful. Partly it is because
it is based on sound reasoning and has been practically implemented
over centuries. Shared religious outlook, upbringing and the fact that
this is the first physical contact between a virgin girl and her
partner gives the partnership more chances of being a long lasting and
wholesome one. Hence it is quite understandable that many parents opt
for this kind of arrangement when it comes to marrying off their
children.

However, Muslims living in the West need to re evaluate such
arrangements having in mind the alien and hostile environment in which
they live in. We must come up with solutions that will deal with the
fact that our young people live lives that are besieged by a powerful
aggressive culture that is both un-Islamic and anti Islamic. Everyday
the onus is upon them to hold on to the little of Islamic value that
they are allowed to implement.

Parents should realise that this society has the ability of turning
even virtue into vice. For instance, education is a good thing, and
particularly for women. But in this society the arrangement to
"educate" to young people in co-ed or mixed schools and universities
make such places dangerous to the development of the students. Good
Muslim parents are normally caught in a heart-wretching dilemma:
should they send their children to university and risk the
consequences or stop them and risk resentment and alienation from
their siblings

Student Islamic Societies at the universities and polytechnics are
doing a commendable job in trying to provide moral and emotional
support for young university students. But the odds are still too much
and the resources to perform such a gigantic task extensively and
efficiently are not available.

At the weekend, when other students go after pleasure, the only
supporting and protective place for religious minded Muslims are the
societies. There, they can talk, study and mix in an appropriate
environment and surroundings. There are many instances where such
gatherings have led to young people meeting and knowing each other.
Basically the attraction is that they have come across a partner who
is Islamically oriented   something that is a priority to them.

The Conflict

If the parents are well educated and open minded they usually are
supportive of such an association. After all, this type of
relationship satisfies the recommendation given by the Prophet:
`choose the one who is decent and religious and you will be
successful.'

But some parents may look upon their children as a bargaining card.
They allow them education not only to improve their chances in life,
but to give them a sense of personal pride and satisfaction. For that
reason they would not allow them to marry of their own choice. A
graduate girl has to marry a medical, engineering or lawyer, but not
an arts graduate. Such standards do not take into consideration the
feelings of the persons concerned. The parents feel that they have
brought up their children as a premium of their own. They do not look
into the future happiness and success of their children's' family
life. This not something confined to the girls. Boys too, complain of
the veto power of the parents even though the Shari'ah view is that
they are under no jurisdiction of guardianship once they are mature
and sane. The outcome of this attitude is the conflict within the
family.

The Course of Action

It is not in the interests of anyone to encourage young people to go
against the wishes of their parents. Marriage, as explained earlier,
is a life long experience. The experience of love in the artistic way
of putting it in novels does not live long enough to sustain a long
journey in life. It is a down to earth description when people speak
about honeymoon. Moons after that God knows what are they! So young
people need all the support they can get to help them get over their
ups and downs in their lives. They need the good will of everyone
involved, their parents, close relatives, their friends and everyone
interested in the success of their marriage. So it is not a good omen
to start life with fighting against the parents.

There are a number of cases in front of the Shari'ah Council, where
girls rushed into marriage against the wishes of their parents, went
through a great sacrifice, had a child or two, did everything they
could to sustain marital relationship, but finally had to give up
because what they called love was simply a passing passion and
infatuation. Some of the parents overcome the grief and humiliation
they felt at the beginning and stand in support of their children.
Some could not forget the trauma of their experience and left their
loved ones to face the future on their own.

The sincere advice for young people in this dilemma is to use all the
powers available to them. Talk it through with your mother as she is
normally the soft spot in the family and the one who is more likely to
appreciate the problem. Try to enlist the support of different members
of the family and elderly respected members of the community.

Such problems can only be dealt with at family and community level.
Other organisations or institutions do not normally get the brunt of
the ensuing stress and hence may have difficulties in
 being appropriately sensitive to the situation. Sometimes they
 aggravate it by their insensitivity to the feelings of the parents
 and the community. This process may take some time to bear fruit.
 Young people should be patient. It is a sign of maturity and real
 love that those involved should support one another in this process
 and not to push for a quick decision. Once they are established on
 their own fully capable of looking after themselves and seeing that
 the parents are not prevailed upon, here comes the final decision.
 Once the two parties concerned are assured of their care and respect
 for one another, they can enter into a marriage agreement. In the
 book of "Digest of Islamic Law" by Neil B. E. Baillie, of the Hanafi
 Doctrine. It says: `The marriage entered into by a free woman who is
 sane adult without a guardian is quite operative according to Abu
 Hanifa and Abu Yusuf as stated in the Zahir Ar Riwaya (the expression
 of the text). Sheikh Aka b Hamza being asked with regard to a woman
 of the Shaf'i school of thought who is a virgin and adult, who had
 married herself to a man of the Hanafi school, without the permission
 of her father, who was dissatisfied and had repudiated the marriage,
 whether such marriage is valid? He replied in the affirmative, and
 that it would have been equally valid if she had married herself to a
 man of her own school.'

It went on to say, `No one, not even her father or the ruler can
lawfully contract a woman into marriage, who is adult and of sound
mind, without her permission, whether she be a virgin or a widow or
divorced. And if anyone should take upon himself to do so, the
marriage is suspended on her sanction. If agreed to by her, it is
lawful, if rejected it is null.'

However, for the honour and respectability of the girl and her
estranged family, it is advisable for her to authorise a person of
integrity and good position, who may be an acquaintance of both her
and her would be husband to give her in marriage. This is not the
ideal solution, but is it the most that can be achieved in these
circumstances.

And Allah says the Truth and Guides to the Right Way. 

Sheikh Syed Darsh, graduate of Al-Azhar, Cairo, Chairman of UK
Shari'ah Council and expert on family matters. Sheikh Darsh has 
recently passed away, may Allah have mercy on him.

(Article from Q-News, No. 278, 3-16 Oct 1997)

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