Letters Letter from the Editor Letter from the Editor Greetings and welcome to our twentieth issue of Morning Star! We all praise the Lord for His faithfulness. This month's Feature Theme area concerns "Marriage and Family" and contains a variety of excellent articles. Our Commentary, People Profiles, Book Review, "New in Christ" and Ministry Focus columns are all tied into this topic. Wonderful news on the distribution front. Morning Star is now being read in Cape Town, South Africa and Moscow, Russia. This brings to sixteen the number of countries that receive the magazine in some format each month. (Some get the hard copy via mail, others receive a computer edition either on disk or via a computer network connection.) Can you believe this? Praise God! Add to your prayers that we may find our way into even more countries. We are currently "targeting" twelve specific countries. If any of you know friends or missionaries in foreign lands that could help distribute Morning Star, please get in touch with me. Another BIG development ... we now have a Fax number! Make note of it please and pass it on. I have designed a page-sized "mini-poster" for Morning Star that I will fax to any ministry or church requesting it. Send me a fax at 603-883-0466. As always we need your help with articles and stories! Our specific needs are for these columns: New In Christ Testimony Ministry Focus (Formerly Ministry Profile) Education Music Mission Field We especially need articles and stores for our upcoming Feature themes: Vol 2.10 - REVIVAL (Personal, Church, National) Vol 2.11 - LOCAL CHURCH MINISTRIES (Choir, Singles, Visitation, etc.) Vol 2.12 - THE FEASTS OF AND PROMISES TO ISRAEL Vol 3.1 - ANNUAL "HIGH-TECH" ISSUE (Christians using technology to do the Lord's work, i.e. computers, TV, radio, Faxes, BBS) Vol 3.2 - DOCTRINAL ISSUE - Theme: "Grace and Legalism" Vol 3.3 - BIBLE PERSONALITY ISSUE - Theme: "Paul the Apostle" Vol 3.4 - TESTIMONY ISSUE - Theme: "Victimization" (all forms, i.e. toxic faith, spousal abuse, childhood abuse, etc.) Quite a variety of themes wouldn't you say? People around the world will benefit by us sharing information on these topics. Won't you please consider writing something, or asking a friend, relative or Pastor to submit an article or story? It's up to YOU our readers to keep this magazine ministry going strong! In Service to our Lord and Savior, Toby Trudel Commentary Commentary Currently, there is a great deal of confusion over the definition of family. The confusion is cultural, not Biblical. Social engineers are striving to redefine family to encompass every conceivable relationship. As believers, we must not accept this revisionism. Scripture presents only two type of families. The first is the earthly family, the second, the spiritual family. The earthly family was created by God in the Garden. "The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him" " (Genesis 2:18). So God created Eve. The human family is made up of a husband, wife and children. The Biblical family encompasses the couple and their children. Scripture values the children within the family. "Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth" (Psalm 127:4). However, this doesn't mean that it is wrong for a couple to remain childless. The family may also contain extended elements. These may include grandparents and adult siblings. The family cannot be a same sex couple, even when children are part of the relationship. A family is not made up of two adults of opposite sex living together without benefit of marriage. God hasn't redefined the family, and therefore we can not allow society to do so. Certainly, we have to recognize that many of the units within the church include a single parent. We cannot act as if we live in the 1950s and ignore the increase of this group. Also, we cannot accept the modern position that the Biblical model is passe. Keep in mind: most cultures began to decline when they denigrated the significance of the family structure. The strength of the church is found in the family. The model of Christ's relationship to the church is illustrated by the Christian husband and wife. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ..." (Ephesians 5:25). We must stand firmly for the Biblical family model. We must hold to God's standards for behavior. Again, this doesn't relieve the church of the responsibility to care for the single parent. Nevertheless, single parenthood is not God's ideal. No matter how hard the single parent strives to meet all the needs of a child, there always remains the need for both a father and mother. Scripture assumes that children have both parents. "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord" (Colossians 3:20). This doesn't mean there weren't single parents in Biblical times, but this was not the norm, or intended to be. Single parenthood by choice is also inappropriate. For a woman to chose having a child without a father to help raise it is in direct defiance of God's intent for the Biblical model of parenthood. On the other hand, someone who is a single parent through no desire of their own deserves support and aid from the local church. You men within the church should help provide a male role model for the children without fathers. You women can provide a female model for the children without mothers. As, we appropriately strive to protect the family, we mustn't allow the single individual to feel left out. Paul highly values the single state as a life of service. And certainly the single parent has a ministry to the child(ren) "Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. ... I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs--how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world--how he can please his wife-- and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world--how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord" (1 Corinthians 7:27, 32-35). For the church, a high priority for ministry must be the survival of the family. God's desire is for all couples to remain married. As God said: "I hate divorce," (Malachi 2:16). He also calls parents to raise their child in His ways. "These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads" (Deuteronomy 6:6-8). Within the church, we also find the spiritual family. Here, we should no longer worry about singles, versus couples. We are all brothers and sisters because we have one father. "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children" (Romans 8:15-16). This truth can be of great comfort to believers. Many do not come from Christian families. They are estranged from parents, siblings, even children. But, as Christians within the church, Christ has provided a new family. Paul spoke to this when he said: "Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers" (Galatians 6:10). As Christians within the community of the local church, we are called to be examples of God's love and mercy to a fallen world. We can model God's ideal of the family. We can show how God loves us as we care for one another within our individual families. We can show how He cares for us as we care for one another within the church family. Let us not fall for society's view that the family is dying and irrelevant. Instead, let us depend on the Lord as we strive to strengthen the family. Let us teach the word that will help families to stay together, to raise children, and to love one another. Then the world will see that God is still in control. If we as God's children commit ourselves to uphold His word as the standard for our lives, He will richly bless us. In keeping with this call, this issue of Morning Star focuses on families and marriage. We hope this will encourage you to praise the Lord for your family, both earthly and spiritual. Staff Listing Staff Listing MORNING STAR P.O. Box 7755 Nashua, NH 03060 Phone: 603-883-4624 Fax: 603-883-0466 EDITOR IN CHIEF Toby Trudel - Nashua, NH SENIOR EDITOR - Biblical Department Geoffrey Kragen - Roseville, CA SENIOR EDITOR - Christian Life Department Teresa Giordanengo - Canonsburg, PA SENIOR LITERARY EDITOR Al Murillo III - El Paso, TX ASSOCIATE EDITORS Jerry Johnson - Modesto, CA Clark Stephens - Huntington Beach, CA Dale Strand - Dublin, CA J.C. Trudel - Naples, FL Mike Wilkinson - Citrus Heights, CA Dr. Charles Wootten - Matoaca, VA SENIOR PUBLISHER - DOS and WINDOWS Editions Steve Paulovich - Pembroke, NH DIRECTOR OF INTERNATIONAL BBS DISTRIBUTION Walter H. 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ELECTRONIC MAIL LINKS INTERNET: mstarmac@aol.com (Toby Trudel) AMERICA ONLINE: MStarDOS (Steve Paulovich) GENIE: M.Wilkinson1 (Mike Wilkinson) COMPUSERVE: 70743,603 (Jorge Lopez) FIDONET: 1:106/3118 (Walter Bauer) CHRISTIAN FAMILY NETWORK: 8:3003/5 (Walter Bauer) CHRISTIAN DISTRIBUTION NETWORK: 8:2013/1 (Walter Bauer) POLICENET: 150:402/53 (Walter Bauer) To receive a free copy of the MS DOOR program, which allows viewers to read the magazine onscreen, contact: Alan Graff P.O. Box 131 Wheelersburg, OH 45694 INTERNET: alangraff@aol.com FIDONET: 1:2260/50 Theme: Families Honoring Your Parents Honoring Your Parents HONORING YOUR PARENTS by Dennis Rainey National Director Family Life Ministry Little Rock, Arkansas You might remember Mark David Chapman, the man who killed John Lennon back in 1980. In an interview with Dr. Jonas Salk in McCalls magazine, Chapman made this statement about his relationship with his father: "My father was never very emotional. He never told me he loved me, never said he was sorry; we never ever really got along. He smashed my head down in a plate of spaghetti one time. He never showed any emotion of love, just maybe if I needed money for school he would give it. Mom always told me my father couldn't show these kinds of things, but he would try in other ways. You know, he was always home, and he never drank. But I needed more than just a father who was responsible not only morally, but ethically for his family. I needed more than that. I needed emotional love." When I read that interview, I thought of the many people I've talked with and counseled over the years who have said much the same thing. Many of us are in the same boat with Chapman. We need emotional love. We desire for our parents to reach out to us. We want them to express their love and affection. Many of us receive that love and affection from our parents, and others do not. During the last few years, scores of books have been written about reconciling childhood. Celebrities have streamed forth to tell of their awful childhoods. It's almost chic to describes ourselves as "victims." My concern is that many of us focus too much on condemning our parents. We form a model in our minds of what the perfect relationship should have been, or could be. Then we grade our parents on how well they fit that model. And we forget God's commandment to us to "Honor your parents." When God set the course for the nation of Israel, and gave them the 10 Commandments, the second mandate involved the family: "Honor your father and your mother that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you" (Exodus 20:12). Note that God promises a blessing to children who do honor their parents. Throughout the biblical record you can find stories that demonstrate how God keeps His word in this matter. The Book of Ruth, for example, describes a woman who lost her husband, yet decided to help care for her mother-in-law, Naomi, in hard times. Ruth responded to Naomi with love and loyalty, as though were her own mother. This is the first indication we receive of the type of woman Ruth was. And God later rewards Ruth for her faithfulness by giving her a godly husband, Boaz. But not all of the snapshots in the scriptures are good. Absalom actually overthrew the throne of his father, David, because he was a spoiled brat. The picture that Absalom presents for us in the Bible is one of conspiracy. He connived, he manipulated, he did not honor his father. To begin honoring your parents, a good first step would be to evaluate your relationship with them. Often, while trying their best to develop relationships with parents, children make two types of mistakes. They let themselves become either too attached or too detached. For example, many adult children are too dependent upon their parents for emotional support. You need the emotional support of family members, but you do not need to run home to mommy for emotional support every time you face a struggle or conflict. There needs to be a healthy balance. Another problem is being too attached for acceptance and approval. You need to learn how to live without their approval and do things on your own because you believe it is right. God has to bring about this conviction in your life. On the other hand, children can move to the opposite extreme and become too detached. Two things usually happen here: First, children neglect their parents. I imagine that this problem is becoming more acute in today's mobile society, when many children live hundreds or thousands of miles from their hometown. But even when children live nearby, they often neglect their parents by not visiting them enough, or by not helping meet physical or financial needs. Second, children reject their parents. Some reject their value systems, or show compassion on them and where they have come from as people. We are merciless. Aren't you glad God doesn't deal with us like we deal with our parents? Paul Meier, a Christian psychiatrist in Dallas, Texas, estimates 95 percent of all Christians have bitterness or anger in their hearts toward their parents. That means a lot of Christians are isolated from the people they owe so much to. Whether good or bad, parents need our love. Too often we do not recognize that our parents have needs and struggles too. Our parents are needy and they have struggles. Just as you are growing up, some of them are growing old. For many of you, the idea of honoring your parents is not difficult at all--you just need some creative ideas. For others, this will be one of the most important tests of faith in your Christian life. If you cannot trust God to give you the strength to show love for your parents, what good is your faith? In order to develop that honoring relationship, you must first clear the air of any resentment. Allow God to search your heart. Psalm 139:23, 24 says, "Lord, you search me, you know my thoughts and you see if there be any wicked way within me, and you lead me in your everlasting way." Have you ever said anything hurtful to your parents? Have you ever failed them? Confess any sin that pops up. Take any wrong attitudes or any wrong actions to God first, your heavenly Father. Use I John 1:9 as a reference. Next, accept your parents as God's selection for you. Do you realize God was not wringing His hands when your parents had intercourse and you were conceived? And He didn't say, "Oh, my goodness, I made a mistake -I meant for this other set of parents to have her." Do you think He knew what kind of parents you would have and how you would respond, what your personality would be? The Scripture speaks of a God who knew you even in your mother's womb (Psalm 139). Can you accept those parents as God's selected gift for you? Then, take the initiative to build the relationship. I know of too many adults who let their relationships with parents languish for years, waiting for their parents to make the first move. Yet their parents may not have the knowledge of what to do, or the ability to do it. Paul said, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens you" (Philippians 4:13). Have you ever considered that you may know how to tap that strength, but your parents may not? Tell your parents you love them. Those few words may do more to melt the wall of ice between you than anything else you could do. You know how old I was before I told my parents I loved them? Nineteen years old. I'll never forget that day, standing out in the gravel driveway in front of our house and I looked my dad in the eye and I can almost see a tear in his eye. I always looked in his eyes for tears because I never saw any emotion in his eyes. I put my arm around him and as I left to go away to college and said, "Mom and Dad, I love you." You also may need to approach your parents to ask for their forgiveness about specific offenses from the past. This may be the hardest step of all for you, especially if you think your parents wronged you more than you did them. But nothing will happen unless you take the first step. I'll never forget the year I was teaching a series of classes on the family at Campus Crusade for Christ's Institute of Biblical Studies. Within one 24-hour period, three single gals came up to me and described the same father - aloof, detached, unexpressive, very successful in providing but not in giving them affection. I looked one girl in the eye and said, "What do you need to do?" She said, "I need to call home and tell my dad I love him, and I'm sorry for being such a spoiled brat." She came up the next morning in class with tears streaming down her face. "For the first time in my life, my father and I communicated," she said. "He wept over the phone and so did I. I can't wait to go home." On an ongoing basis, another way to honor your parents is to share your life with them. Write letters, and call home no less than twice a month. You should do this regardless of their response to your victories and your losses. Another way to share your life with your parents is to build new memories. Take your dad fishing, or join your parents for a vacation. A couple of summers back, Barbara and I had the privilege of vacationing in Northern Minnesota with her parents. One day we ended up with a boxcar full of memories as all ten of us spent over 12 hours together in the automobile. We toured the port at Duluth, a huge iron ore mine, and a beautiful high school in Hibbing. We reminiscenced together as Barbara's dad, Bob, showed us where he vacationed as a boy with his family. It was loads of fun. Finally, seek creative ways to honor them. For example, utilize their strengths - if your dad is good at carpentry, for example, invite him to help you put in that new set of bookshelves you've been wanting. Or consider writing a "tribute" to your parents. Take some time to describe specifically how much they mean to you. Several years ago I wrote a tribute to my mom, honoring her for all she's done for me over the years. (See below) Remember my quote from Mark David Chapman? There is an epilogue to Mark David Chapman's story. The editors noted this: "As this issue went to press, Chapman wrote Dr. Salk expressing compassion and forgiveness for his father, explaining that he could only give Christ the credit and marvel at his different attitude towards his father." If the presence of Christ in this man's life could make a difference in his relationship with his father, just think what being obedient to Christ's control and power in your life can do. Anything is possible. Dennis Rainey is director of Family Life, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. TRIBUTE TO MOM by Dennis Rainey Since I began suggesting to others that they write a "tribute" to their parents, many have followed my advice. Here is what I wrote to my mom a few years ago: When she was 35, she carried him in her womb. It wasn't easy being pregnant in 1948. There were no dishwashers or Pampers, and there were only crude washing machines. After nine long months, he was finally born. Breech. A difficult, dangerous birth. She still says, "He came out feet first, hit the floor running, and he's been running ever since." Affectionately she calls him "The Roadrunner." A warm kitchen was her trademark - the most secure place in the home - a shelter in the storm. Her narrow but tidy kitchen always attracted a crowd. It was the place where food and friends were made! She was a good listener. She always seemed to have the time. Certain smells used to drift out of that kitchen - the aroma of a juicy cheeseburger drew him like a magnet. There were green beans seasoned with hickory smoked bacon grease. Sugar cookies. Pecan pie. And the best of all, chocolate bon-bons. Oh, she wasn't perfect. Once when, as a mischievous three-year-old, he was banging pans together, she impatiently threw a pencil at him while she was on the phone. The pencil, much to her shock, narrowly missed his eye and left a sliver of lead in his cheek ... it's still there. Another time she tied him to his bed because, when he was five years old, he tried to murder his teen-aged brother by throwing a gun at him. It narrowly missed his brother, but hit her prized antique vase instead. She taught him forgiveness too. When he was a teenager, she forgave him when he got angry and took a swing at her (and fortunately missed). The most profound thing she modeled was a love for God and people. Compassion was always her companion. She taught him about giving to others even when she didn't feel like it. She also taught him about accountability, truthfulness, honesty, and transparency. She modeled a tough loyalty to his dad. He always knew divorce was never an option. And she took care of her own parents when old age took its toll. She also went to church ... faithfully. In fact, she led this six-year-old boy to Jesus Christ in her Sunday evening Bible study class. Even today, her age doesn't stop her from fishing in a cold rain, running off to get Chinese food, or "wolfing down" a cheeseburger and a dozen bon-bons with her son. She's truly a woman to be honored. She's more than somebody's mother ... she's my mom. "Mom, I love you." The Ten Commitments of Marriages The Ten Commitments of Marriages THE TEN COMMITMENTS OF MARRIAGES From THE SYSTEM BBS, Nashua, NH Marriage was designed by God. Then, why do so many marriage relationships go steadily downhill to ultimate destruction and ruin? I believe it is because before marriage, many couples never made in their hearts certain foundational commitments that can strengthen and sustain marriages for this life we are called to live in. In many more cases the couple arrive in marriage as non-Christian, and fail to adjust their thinking AFTER they receive Jesus Christ as their Savior. We read secular and non-secular reports that link the failure of marriages to money, sex, children or that old-time favorite of the world - incompatibility! What most us fail to look at is that problems are only symptoms for the real failure. In a recent "ordeal" that I found I had subjected myself to in my marriage, I found myself talking with many couples, and found that they have not developed one or more of ten basic commitments, which I have just recently found in my own life. I observed that the majority of these couples were destined or were now experiencing severe difficulties that should never need come up. Husbands and wives need to grow into these commitments as the need for them becomes clear through the teaching of the Holy Spirit. But God in His wisdom granted that you should be reading this or hearing this at a time that the Spirit has appointed for you to hear or read. Most couples didn't fully understand these godly concepts before they got married. Many don't take the time to understand them, now. These ten commitments, which must be made in the heart - for the heart is "the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23)-and by faith, since faith is the only way to please God (Hebrews 11:6), are as follows: COMMITMENT #1 To Commit your marriage and your family to the Lord Jesus Christ. Many marriages begin with a vow to be under the authority of God, but then fail to follow the promises on this vow and others that the marriage vow ask. We are to make a decision and commit our family to God in a deep and meaningful way. "Choose ye this day whom ye will serve, but for me and my house - we will serve the Lord." (Joshua 24:15). Only by having Him as the head of both husband and wife will the marriage prosper. COMMITMENT #2: To grow in Christ for the Rest of My Life. Not every Christian has decided to "grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ" (II Peter 3:18). Instead, Christians often think that they have already arrived or that there is "nothing wrong with me." There is nothing wrong with a two year old acting like a two year old, but the child should eventually grow out of that behavior. In the same way, none of us has matured enough that our present state should be classified "mature" we are only able to be "maturing." We must seek growth. We must seek to grow. The result of a lifetime commitment to growth in Christ is that we become more mature in every area of life. In marriage, which demands increasing maturity in character, responsibility, and wisdom, non-growing Christians cannot make it. Their pride will not allow them to accept the learning, correction, rebukes, and questions that require them to humble themselves. Only an open and teachable person can develop the characteristics needed to make a good marriage partner. COMMITMENT #3: To stay committed to my marriage for life, and to work to solve all problems that arise. This commitment provides the security of permanence and keeps us from running away from problems. Either we face up to them and solve them, or we live with them. Christians and Christian leaders are part of the climbing divorce rate in our society, but God still requires faithfulness to our marriage vows (Malachi 2:14). He declares, "I Hate Divorce" (Verse 16). Does this enslave me as a Christian? No! instead it give security in the midst of a world in which "you will have trouble," as Christ stated (John 16:33). And it means living in hope that no problem is too great to be solved. God is working in marriage to fulfill His own desires as well as all married Christians. He is "seeking godly offspring" (Malachi 2:15) from our homes, and therefore He requires faithfulness in marriage. COMMITMENT #4: To be faithful to my mate in both mind and action. Unfaithful actions can be headed off by commitment to think romantically ONLY about the husband or wife. (Matthew 5:28). To decide, "My mate is the only one I will allow myself to think about in this way" will cut off a lot of problems before they begin. The result in marriage will be a greater level of mutual trust. COMMITMENT #5: To practice and allow to be practiced the "help meet" of Genesis. Mankind has heaped years and years of garbage upon the alter of marriage by downgrading the role of the woman in marriage. Many women have allowed themselves to live under these conditions in the interest of peace, Mostly to no avail. God created woman to complete man, which transmits the idea that man was lacking in some areas, and this lacking has existed since man began and continues today. Too many men refuse to accept this gift from God for completion and "macho" it out trying to be all capable and "support the little lady!" Well, God, in His wisdom set a wife on the life of a husband to allow them to be presented to Him as "One Flesh" and complete in their TOGETHERNESS! This does not mean that a wife simply takes orders - it means that SOMETIMES she is the ONLY messenger God has to get through some thick skulls of some husbands. The wife must be able to deliver rebuke, reproof and exhortation in accordance with the leading of the Holy Spirit; However, it is IMPORTANT that the wife recognize that her responsibility ENDS when she delivers the message! God has ordained that the Husband be the head of the family - not the dictator - the HEAD "just as Christ is the head of the church" and with the same servant manner and sacrificial attitudes of the Lord Jesus Christ! When the husband has COMPLETELY lived up to the standards set by God, THEN he can dictate! Until then God has seen fit to have another person come along side and travel the road of life with him, and he had better listen to what she says. Most of the time she can be the KEY to success and failure to listen can result in failure. The wife must realize that she is commanded to obey her husband. Not blindly, but in accordance with the Word of God. God has set up a plan for marriage and families and the plan works to the good of those who follow the precepts, and disaster results in straying from the plan. The wife should OFFER her advice and admonitions in LOVE and not in confrontation. Communicate to him in the same manner as God communicates to you, with overwhelming Love - AGAPE love! If the husband wants to do something you don't really care to do, and it is not against the laws of God, then God asks that you follow your husband. (I Corinthians 11:3)! If you follow his request just as you would follow the request of Jesus Christ, then you will be blessed in ways that you never thought possible. Trust in the Lord. COMMITMENT #6: To communicate - NO MATTER WHAT! Most people learn not to reveal many of their thoughts and feelings because these are personal and so easily judged by others - "You shouldn't feel that way." This fear of judgement from others brings about an attitude of "I'll never mentions that again." But just as nothing can separate us from the Love of Christ (Romans 8:35-39), so nothing should stop us from communicating in marriage; silence, tears, explosions of anger, defiance, defensiveness, the children, or lack of time. This is a commitment to communicate not just facts and accomplishments, but feelings, thoughts, problems, and failures. Both the positive and the negatives in our lives need expression. COMMITMENT #7: To be a Servant God created both men and women to be servants of God, of each other, and of their neighbors. The husband and wife are equal in dignity and worth, and work together as "joint heirs of the grace of life" (I Peter 3:7,RSV) to achieve common goals. Yet each fulfills different roles. The husband takes responsibility as the leader in the marriage (I Corinthians 11:3), but his success begins and ends with a servant's attitude. A willingness to serve each other will bring about mutual dependence and appreciation. COMMITMENT #8: To assume in everything that my mate's intentions are good. We are told not to impute evil to God (James 1:13), and in marriage we are likewise to assume the best about our partner's intentions. Some of our mate's actions may not seem to be good, but we must believe that the intent was good. Let us give our wife/husband the benefit of the doubt. He or she may be immature in some ways and may act out of jealousy or revenge-but even these are cries for help. By avoiding the accusations, each of us will have far less grounds for conflicts and hurt feelings. COMMITMENT #9: To forgive and forget the transgressions of our mates. The hardest act for a human to do is admit to a wrong and ask forgiveness. To be met with a list of acts of contrition that must be followed before forgiveness is "granted" creates a schism in the very foundation of marriage. To compound this error by "dredging up past offenses" is a direct sin against the very Word of God when God tells us to keep "no record of wrongs" (I Corinthians 13:5). This sin is not reserved for any single partner - it is practiced by both. It is sin. It is to be confessed and repented and washed from us. Then the healing of God's power will be able to be received! COMMITMENT #10: LOVE ONE ANOTHER. It may seem strange that I make this the last of the commitments, yet it has been the critical facet of each of the previous nine. The "norm" heard in the divorce courts is "I just don't feel any love for ..... anymore!" The world teaching that Love is a feeling. The Bible tells us that Love is a verb - an ACTION. We are not called to "feel" love, we are COMMANDED to LOVE! We are to love our spouse, and sometimes we must love them in spite of our "feelings" and "please God and not man (ourselves)" (Acts 4:19). We must commit all the other nine commitments in our heart and attach this tenth one to every one of the other nine. Only by His power can we join the Lord when He told us to "be of good cheer for I have overcome the world" and we need so much to be overcomers. Allow the world and our own families see the Rock that our lives CAN be founded on. Let us enjoy the life "and life more abundantly" by following the plan that God laid out for us in His Word, the plan that many times counters our own plan because it requires the Lordship of Jesus Christ and not ourselves. It requires that a husband Serve his wife! It requires that we ALL have the servant nature that sees us washing feet in the spiritual manner that Jesus provided such a physical example of. Let us each ask our spouse the simple question that can very well blow our present "ship" out of the water of the world and settle us on a Rock, the Rock of Jesus Christ. That question is "What are your REAL needs and how do you think I could be more able to supply them?" Ancient Customs Ancient Customs ANCIENT CUSTOMS SYMBOLIZE THE MEANING OF MARRIAGE By Ron Hembree Goodyear, Arizona THE MEANING OF MARRIAGE No formal marriage ceremonies are found in the Bible. Rather, these rites have evolved from society's awareness that an emphatic statement of intent should be made publicly to family, friends and legal structures affirming the meaning and importance of marriage. The closest we seem to come to a Scriptural description is in Genesis, when Isaac takes Rebecca into his mother's tent. (Genesis 24:67) The obvious other reference is the Cana wedding Jesus attended. (John 2) The exact structure of various wedding ceremonies has changed much through the centuries, with each culture adding its own touch to emphasize what it feels is important. While ceremonies have changed, the meaning of marriage remains the same. To help clarify that meaning in a different way, perhaps it would be well to review some of the ancient ceremonies and what they symbolized then and now. The first rite started with: SEALING THE BETROTHAL In the ancient eastern world marriages were arranged by parents, since the emphasis was on "becoming", not "finding". Abraham could safely seek a bride for his son because his faith made him feel it was more important for each partner to "become" the right mate than simply to find the right mate. Obviously selection is important, since Abraham refused to choose a daughter-in-law from anywhere except within the family of God. That seems to still be the only guideline on selection the Bible gives. (II Corinthians 6:14-18) When selection had been made by the parents for a bride, the bridegroom traveled to the bride's home to formalize the agreement. The bride and her mother sat under the ancient kitchilika tree and the bridegroom formally asked permission to marry the bride. Permission was obviously given and he then poured into her hands ten specially minted coins that had been in the family, sometimes for generations. One side of the coins contained the family identification and the other displayed the year that identification had become part of the family. The new bride would wear these coins in her hair on her wedding day and then put them away in her treasure chest to pass down to her oldest son when he repeated this sacred rite at his marriage. Powerful tradition swirled around the ten coins. Tradition claimed love was born in the bride's heart the moment the coins fell into her waiting hands. But tradition also said that if she ever lost one of those coins it meant God had withdrawn favour from her household. In some cases women were divorced or banished because they had lost one of these very special coins. Remembering these powerful traditions, one can better understand the meaning of Christ's parable of the lost coin. (Luke 15:8-10) In this chapter of three powerful parables, Jesus is speaking of how God loves the lost: the lost sheep, lost coin, lost son, and lost elder brother. The coin is irreplaceable and that is exactly the meaning of marriage in this sense. The coin ceremony was saying: just as the coins were unique to this family so the new union was to be unique in the lives of both bride and bridegroom. God wanted us to build the walls of marriage so high that no invader could crawl over to defile it and no one inside that unique relationship would climb out to destroy the concept of having one God and one mate. TEN WEDDING DAYS Researching ancient marriage ceremonies, the number ten keeps popping up. There were ten coins, ten days of the ceremony and ten bridesmaids, each serving as hostess for one of the wedding days. The final vows would be said by the couple on the tenth day, while the preceding nine were spent in counseling, preparation and feasting. There would be no fasting during those ten days because tradition said God attended each wedding and to fast would be to insult God. In God's great shorthand, numbers seem to have significance. The number six represents man, while seven indicates perfection. The number eight signifies new beginnings but there is something special about the number ten. Ten stands for completeness. This ancient rite reminds the couple and community that man is only complete in woman and woman in man. God created man but he was not complete. Only after God created woman did God officially name them "Man" or mankind. (Genesis 1:17) We are made for relationships. From the beginning God told us it is emotionally unhealthy to be isolated. (Genesis 2:18) Usually the greatest source of pain in our lives is isolation from God and each other. Jesus came to restore relationships. Ever since Adam sinned, we have been separated from God. Ever since Cain killed Abel we have been fighting among ourselves. Jesus came so we could come back to God and back to each other. That is why He always insisted that real faith involves both dimensions of reconciliation: Man with God and man with man. (Matthew 22:36-40) THE CANOPY All ancient eastern ceremonies of marriage took place under a specially prepared canopy. Vows were said, the couple was counselled by the priest, and instructions about each role and responsibility were given. The canopy symbolized the brooding presence of God over every marriage. The Psalmist's illusion of the "shadow of the most high" hints of this old custom. (Psalms 91) Most of us know, either by experience or example, that real marriage is a triangle. At the bottom of one side is the husband. On the bottom of the other side is the wife. At the top of the triangle is God and the closer each gets to God the closer he gets to each other. WEDDING GARMENTS When a king's son married, the king knew common people could not afford the needed rich garments required to attend the magnificent wedding ceremonies. Thus, months before the wedding, the king employed the nation's best tailors and seamstresses to make the garments, at the king's expense, for all the invited guests. All they were expected to do was to come properly attired. All costs had been taken care of by the king. This ancient custom helps us understand a hard parable Jesus told in Matthew 22:1-14. Here we see God as the rich king who has made ample provision for the marriage supper of the Lamb. Through the sacrifice of His most priceless possession He has provided a robe of righteousness so all can stand honourable and unashamed. Is it too much to expect that we show up in that robe? Certainly we see His expectations as reasonable in the light of its true meaning. However, this ancient garment custom means much more also. It simply emphasizes that all the provision we need to make a good marriage is given to each by God. If we but choose to wear the garment we will find acceptance and approval by God and each other. Should we contemptuously cast it aside for our own rags of selfishness, we are banished from the wedding feast by our deliberate disobedience. Those who have betrayed the marriage bed and defiled the feast with their selfish rags have tragically learned what it means to be banished from the most secret chamber of a mate's heart. There is no reentrance to the feast, but only as the robes of righteousness are again donned by each disobedient partner. A TOUCH OF SALT On the tenth day, the formal vows are said. Following this, the priest touches the couple's tongues with salt and the two break bread together. This ceremony is perhaps the most sacred of all in the marriage rite. From mankind's beginning, to break bread and eat salt together symbolized a sacred covenant between two parties. One might seek to break a legal contract on paper but one would never dare defile a salt and bread covenant. Salt symbolizes truthfulness, while bread speaks of communion or communication. We still celebrate this in our own communion ceremonies on holy days. Each participant knew exactly what this ceremony symbolized. Marriage was pledging unconditional love and acceptance. A contract is conditional, predicated on whether the other party fulfills his obligations, while covenant is totally unconditional. It is kept regardless of what one mate does. God has made a covenant with His people, not a contract. Regardless of our compulsive behavior and patterns, He keeps His covenant. (Jeremiah 3:14) THE SILVER CORD Wedding rings were not used in the ancient east. Rather, after the vows the husband gently tied a silver cord around his bride's neck. She wore this symbol of their pledge all her life. If she died before him, she wore it in death. If he died first, at his grave she loosed the cord from her neck to symbolize that she was loosed from her husband and free to form a new relationship. The cord symbolized the temporal and the eternal aspects of marriage. While marriage is for this earth only, still it is the most sacred of all human covenants. (Mark 12:25) But, in heaven we will also be married, not to each other but to Christ. (Revelation 21:9) The silver cord is referred to in Ecclesiastes 12:6. THE LIFTED VEIL One of the last rites the husband performs in the ancient ceremony is to gently remove the veil from his wife's face and place it on his shoulder. Isaiah takes this ceremony to prophesy about the coming Messiah, "The government shall be upon his shoulder. (Isaiah 9:6) The total responsibility for our faith and eternal existence rests on Christ. That happened when He took the veil from our face and brought us into His heart at conversion. The veil symbolizes the role God ordains for the husband. He is to be provider-protector. The care of his wife and family is directly placed on him. Peter and Paul both understood this perfectly when they wrote their epistles to the young churches. (I Peter 3:1-12 and Ephesians 5:22-33) THE HONEYMOON Eastern honeymoons lasted for one year. During that time the bridegroom and bride are never apart. They even are expected to refuse dinner and feast obligations. (Luke 14:20) The honeymoon is spent at the home of the parents of both partners. One month they live at the bride's parents and the next at the groom's. When the year is over, the families come together and the bridegroom says solemnly to the bride, "Let not your heart be troubled; ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know." Jesus used these same words to describe why he was leaving His followers for awhile. (John 14:1-4) After saying these words, the bridegroom went away to build a home for his bride on the estate of his father. When this was finished, he returned and took his bride to her new home to live for the rest of her life. The symbolism of the honeymoon is obvious. The first year is spent in establishing a relationship that would last a lifetime. Nothing is as important to the couple as that relationship. Time with the parents indicates the importance of the extended family. It is a wise man who does not insist his wife walk away from her family without tender and continuing relationship. It is a foolish woman who would insist that a harsh choice be made between his mother and herself. Rather, all effort and expense must be made to work through relationships, however strained they might be between parents and the new couple. MARRIAGE IS A MIRROR Perhaps the most succinct statement of all on the meaning of marriage is made by Paul in his letter to the Ephesians, "This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:32) In this poignant passage Paul says marriage is to mirror how much God loves us and how He never turns us away, even though we fail in our covenant relationship with Him. But it even goes beyond that. Marriage does not create problems, it reveals them. A personal example might help. I can hide my selfishness from my friends because, while we are close, we are not intimate. But, in the unique relationship of marriage, there are times of stress and strength, good and bad, health and sickness, profit and loss. At some time that compulsive selfishness will surface. When it does, I must face that selfishness and appropriate Christ's forgiveness for salvation and change rather than blame my mate for having provoked my problem. I cannot excuse my behavior by claiming she is responsible for my sin because I perceive she created a climate for my compulsion. If we really believe the purpose of God for our lives is to be conformed to the image of God's Son, then we understand better how God uses marriage to make the most of us. (Romans 8:28) A FINAL WORD Nowhere in the Bible do we see the common worldly definition of love. The world sees love as a feeling. God calls it a commitment. He says it is an act of the will, something we choose to do. We do not "fall out of love". Rather, we simply choose to close off our love. When I counsel with couples who are troubled in their marriage, they often say, "I can't love him or her anymore." Gently, but firmly, I try to correct them saying, "No, it isn't that you can't love, it's that you won't." When we face this stark reality of our lives we then have a chance to make marriage work. Then our expectations of our mates diminish, tensions lessen, tempers cool, and hearts warm. We begin to learn together why "God setteth the solitary in families." (Psalms 68:6) Used with permission. Taken from "The Meaning of Marriage" by Ron Hembree. P.O. Box 2000 Goodyear, Arizona 85338 To My Wife / To My Husband To My Wife / To My Husband Pastor Joseph DeMarco is a dedicated family man. He is a husband, father of three sons, and grandfather to five grandchildren. He loves the Lord with all his heart and God has blessed him with 75 years of life at this point of time. Pastor DeMarco is a prayer warrior and the Pastor of the Belmont Christian Church in Canonsburg, Pennsylvania. Rose DeMarco is the wife of Pastor Joseph DeMarco, a mother of three sons, and a grandmother to five grandchildren. She is a God-fearing woman who is ready, willing, and able to help anytime and anywhere she is needed. She loves the Lord with all her heart and is an inspiration to others. TO MY WIFE By Pastor Joseph DeMarco If I had it to do all over again, I would still marry Rose, my wife of 54 years. I don't think I could have ever met a more loving and caring woman. She is always doing her best for everyone in the family and puts the Lord first in her life. She is a wonderful Christian lady who loves others as the Lord loves all of us. I am thankful for a godly woman because I know what it was like living in an ungodly home. When I was growing up my family were not Christians. I was raised in a family of four children ... two brothers and one sister. My father could not work because he was asthmatic. Somehow he and my mother were able to make "moonshine" in order to have a little money for necessities. Since I was the oldest son at home, I was the one who delivered these bottles to local families. I had to hide these bottles under my clothing because this was against the law. I was caught one day and due to the fact that my father was ill, my mother was taken prisoner instead. She was put behind bars on the second floor of the local jailhouse. I remember how we children would go there and stand outside and she would talk to us from this second story window. The authorities kept her there for six months. That was a terrible time in our lives. My older brother who was married and lived in Follansbee, West Virginia asked me to look for a job in his area. It was easy for me to get a job because I was big for my age. At the age of twelve I quit school and got a job at a mill in West Virginia and lived with my brother and sister-in-law. I stayed with them for almost a year. Every weekend we went back home to visit our parents. But first, we would go to the liquor store and purchase a fifth of whiskey and coke. It was a 70 mile trip one way back to Pennsylvania, and the drinks were all gone by the time we got to our parents' home. The three of us drank the whole thing. I thank the Lord for watching over us because I don't see how we ever got from one place to another without an accident in the condition we were in. One day my dad's friends, who had previously been Roman Catholic, came to visit my family and talk about Jesus. They were so excited and happy to proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ. They had become Born-Again Christians and wanted to tell my family all about it and ask them to accept Jesus too. My parents and my brothers and sister accepted. I was the only one who did not accept the Lord at this time. I was young and single and still living in West Virginia and felt like I had a lot of time to decide. At the age of thirteen I decided to come back home and get a job. My family was in a relief program and I was their only means of support. At age thirteen and was willing to work at any job in order to help my parents. Coming back home to live with a family who had accepted the Lord was a God-sent. Because I saw the change in my family, I too accepted the Lord at age fourteen. I realize today that time waits for no man! I thank the Lord that He had patience with me and gave me many chances to accept Him. God watched over me because He had other plans for my life and I can't thank Him enough. Once I was born-again, I remained faithful to the Lord. I never looked back, but kept moving forward toward the mark of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. I couldn't wait to attend all the church services we had. Our Pastor Domenic Giammarco would ask me to minister to others in order to help him in the church. I was so happy to do anything and everything I could for Jesus. It was a wonderful feeling to know that I was included in the Family of God. I helped in the Sunday School area too. At age fifteen I went to the CCC Camp to build highways and Army camps for $30.00 a month. That meant I received only a dollar a day! The government sent $25.00 a month home to my parents and I lived on $5.00 a month. I was there for one year. When I came home at age sixteen, I got a job in the coal mine. The minimum age was eighteen but I was well built and already weighed 175 pounds, so I was hired. I looked older because I had worked at so many different jobs in my younger years that I appeared older. I believe a man needs to work ... idle hands are the hands of mischief! The highlight of my life was when I met Rose. I was eighteen and knew that she was for me the first time we met. But her parents were very protective of her. I would visit her parents twice a week just so I could see Rose. When we sat at the dining room table, we would be at opposite ends. Her mother always sat between us as we talked together. I prayed and asked God for a good Christian girlfriend ... and Rose was exactly what I wanted. I fell in love with her because she was a wonderful Christian girl who loved the Lord with all her heart. I wanted a woman who would be good to me as my mother was to my father. It makes me think of the popular song that says, "I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad." I felt that Rose was "that" girl. Rose and I had our own secret signals to communicate with each other, even though her parents hardly left us alone for a minute. I was very happy that her parents consented to my marrying Rose, but that didn't happen until three years later. We married when I was twenty-one years of age and I have never been sorry. I am and always will be one of the happiest men in the world! We had our share of problems too, just like any family. It was very hard for my own family to accept that fact that I was married and had a wife to care for. They felt that I still had to support them in the fashion I had done before. For instance, I bought my wife a fur coat and my sister felt that I should give her and my mother a fur coat too. I did as she asked because I felt sorry for them. I knew that it would take a little more time to get my family acclimated to the fact that I was a married man now, with a wife to think about. I know that Rose must have had mixed emotions at the time but she was very understanding and we worked everything out together. We always discussed every situation and circumstance and came to a mutual agreement. We always try to understand each other's viewpoint and I believe this is what helps make a good marriage. My wife can tell you that I went directly home after work each night. My wife always knew where I was and where I was going. If I am going to be late, I always call her so that she will not worry about me. My wife and I always do everything together. It is rare that she is not with me even when I make hospital or home visits. She is ready to assist me in anything I ask of her. I love her as the Lord loves the church. Homes are in an uproar today because God is not first in their lives. Many do not even know the Lord and many do not realize that if we do not have God in the home, there is chaos and confusion there. They live above their means and do not live a surrendered life to God. Their values have changed. They have forgotten the God of our Fathers. God is important in every relationship. Where God is revered and part of a household, there is unity and love abounds. In our home we spend much of our leisure time together. My wife plays the piano and my son plays the guitar. There are many evenings we gather around and have a hymn sing. Everybody is welcome at our home. We encourage Bible discussions at our home. We serve refreshments and have a good time. We like others to come in and join us in a happy fellowship with the Lord. I have tried to be an example to my sons so that they could learn. The love I showed them through the years is coming back to me now, and I am so thankful. I counseled them, prayed for them, and taught them each day through our devotions. The scriptures have the answers to any question or problem we may have. I thank the Lord for Pastor Giammarco who was like a father to me. On his death bed, he asked me to take care of the church. I have endeavored to do the Lord's will in my life and ask Him constantly to lead me ... that is my heart's desire to follow Him! I thank God that He saw fit to bring Rose into my life ... because He knew we would be good for each other. TO MY HUSBAND By Rose DeMarco I consider myself the happiest woman in the world! I have so much to be thankful for. God has made it possible for my dreams to come true. I was raised in a Roman Catholic home with two brothers and two sisters. At the age of seven, old friends of the family brought the Word of God to us. My mother and dad accepted immediately and taught us children the Word of the Lord. At age nine I accepted Jesus as my Savior and attended church every time there was service. I never missed Sunday School or a prayer meeting. I prayed and asked the Lord for a young Christian man to come into my life. One day I visited Christian friends of ours. I had no idea what was in store for me that day. I met Joe! He was a tall, handsome, young man at the age of eighteen. My parents were very strict with me and even at the age of sixteen, I was not permitted to date. Joe would come over to the house to visit twice a week, with my mother sitting between us at all times. Somehow we knew we were falling in love with each other. Joe was a very patient and understanding young man. My parents thought we were too young and that his parents needed him at home. He was their sole support. This went on for two years. Finally Joe walked my dad to work one day which was a half mile walk. When they reached the entrance gate, Joe blurted out the fact that he was in love with me. He told my dad that he wanted to see me more often and that he wanted to marry me. My dad told him that we had a lot of time yet ... that we should wait ten years! Joe was so afraid of what the answer would be but he felt encouraged that at least my dad did not say "no". My mother was not in favor at this time at all because of the needs of his family. But Joe continued to visit every Wednesday evening and Sunday afternoon. Finally when I was nineteen and Joe was twenty-one they agreed that we could be married. I had never dated another man in my life. That was 54 years ago and we are even more in love today. We didn't have much but we had each other. We had our first son after we had been married five years. Our second and third sons were born five years apart also. Joe was more excited everytime I gave birth to another son. It didn't matter to him that we had no daughters. He accepted what the Lord gave us. It didn't matter what problem came up we always dealt with them together. We came to an agreement together. We loved each other and were patient with each other in everything. Joe never put me down! If one of the children asked something of us, we always agreed on the answer. We never went against each other. We trusted each other's judgment in a given situation. We all know how children can play parents against each other ... we never permitted this to happen. Joe and I confided in each other ... we had no secrets between us. We encouraged input from the children in discussions in the family. We listened and tried to relate matters to what the scripture had to say about it. Even if we disagreed on something, we talked it over until we came to a mutual agreement. Our youngest son was in a terrible auto accident several years ago. He had been drinking with friends due to "peer pressure", and lost control of his car. The doctor told us if we knew "the man up above", He would be the only one who could save our son. We immediately called a few key people who started a prayer chain around the country and possibly world. God gave our son another chance, and for this we praise Him. He is in the church and a happily married man today with two children. I dislike it when I hear spouses refer to each other as "the old man" or "the old woman". I believe there must be respect between a husband and wife. We want to be respected by our children, so we should show respect to one another as an example to them. Our love goes beyond just plain love ... we cherish each other. We "want" to be together. We do everything together. If I am going to be away for a few hours, Joe knows where I am in case he needs me. I try to help him as much as possible in his ministry work too. I have never raised my voice to him and he has never yelled at me either. We speak softly to each other ... we do not believe in being angry and speaking harshly to each other. Harsh words make everything worse ... just as a soft, kind word turns away wrath. We are not afraid to say we are "sorry". We make sure we go to bed each night completely forgiven of any differences we may have had. I have to admit that even today, I sit close to my husband when riding in the car. This has always been a habit of mine. In fact Joe will tease and say that he needs more room ... that I am sitting in his pocket. We spend a lot of time together ... more so since he retired from the factory where he worked for many years, and I retired from the job I had outside the home. He always had a job at the factory, besides being a Pastor of the church. When I worked outside the home, Joe pitched in and helped around the house in any way he could. I would go on visitations with him and stay up very late to get the chores done around the home. I always considered them a "labor of love". One day I counted the shirts I had ironed on the table, after I had folded them neatly. There were 45 shirts, including the ones for our three sons. I thank the Lord for the strength and help he gave me through all the years. I thank him especially for the strength he gave me when I had to work outside the home, while raising a family. I worked for 22 years and retired due to arthritis. Joe retired 8 years after I did. God has been good to us in every way. I still like to do all my own house work, and bake and cook. We have at least twelve for dinner every Sunday. We like all our family around us and I think they enjoy it too. We especially enjoy the grandchildren. They are the ones who keep us young! I have a wall hanging of Proverbs 31. It is a constant reminder of what God expects of me in this life in reference to my marriage and family. If I were to live my life over again, I would marry the same man. I have never said that I regretted marrying Joe. We married for better or for worse. I put God first in my life and He keeps me perfectly content in all ways. I love Him. I would have it no other way. Praise the Lord! The Woes of the Working Mother The Woes of the Working Mother THE WOES OF THE WORKING MOTHER by Randall Hillebrand "Few would debate the almost mystical significance of the mother-infant bond. Research from many fields, including psychiatry, child psychology, and studies of other animal species, has confirmed our intuitive respect of the mother-infant bond. Studies have indicated that the first two years of a baby's life are when that bond forms." (White 27) Does the mother's staying home with the child(ren) versus having a full-time job help, hurt or have a neutral effect on the family? This is the question that will be addressed in the following article. First though, a brief history of why women went into the job force will be discussed as background. Why Women Entered The Work Force During World War II, the men went overseas to fight, and the women were called upon to work in the factories to keep America going. Many mothers left the home to come to the call of their country to serve. These mothers were applauded by our culture and became the symbol of patriotism of the highest order. During this time the government set up child care programs with federal funds and many companies set up stores and hair-cutting salons right in the industrial plants for the women's convenience. But then the war ended. After the war was over, the government and the private sector banded together in an enormous propaganda campaign to get women to leave the work place and return to the home. The mother-child relationship and the support of the husband and his career were stressed (Levine 65). Up until World War II, few women worked outside of the home, the great majority of those being single. The big boom of women (including married women) joining the labor force was after World War II, starting in 1947. "Between 1947 and 1978, married women's rate increased from 20 percent to 48 percent." (Smith 4). (Note: these percentages are of the total amount of women joining the work force). As previously stated, the initial reason for mothers joining the labor force was due to the war effort, which was very commendable. This was a time in history when people needed to pull together and do their part. But then after the war, for whatever the reason, the government and the private sector had a campaign to bring women, in general, back to the home. The majority of the women rebelled at this as can be seen by the union grievances filed. One study showed that 75 percent of the women wanted to continue working (Levine 66). Why was this the case? Two main reasons are usually given. First is that of economics. As Smith says in his book, The Subtle Revolution, economists feel "that the perceived benefits of being in the labor force have been increasing, the benefits of not participating have been decreasing, or both." (Smith 3-4). Therefore, "the 'opportunity cost' of staying at home all day has become too great for an increasing proportion of women." So a choice needs to be made, "unpaid" labor in the home versus paid labor outside (Smith 3-4). The second reason given for women going into the labor force is given by Barbara Deckard when she said that women are "trapped in a situation that provides little opportunity for intellectual growth or the satisfactions of achievement." (Finsterbush/McKenna 127). By this she was saying that a woman cannot find these things if she is a housewife who has to watch after children, so she leaves the home to find that fulfillment. This second reason is probably more of a recent thing (late 60's, early 70's till present), but could have its roots in the post World War II era. World War II was a special time in history that called for the mothers of this nation to give a helping hand, but in the postwar times, the mother was called back to a much more important task, that of raising our nation's children. But the questions that need to be asked are: (1) are economics really a reason for mothers to work outside of the home, and (2) can a mother not find intellectual growth or satisfaction of achievement by being a homemaker? We will see. ECONOMICS AND PERSONAL GROWTH "Working women are stung and enraged by the guilt-provoking suggestion that their careers are more important to them than their children; that if they loved their babies more they'd be willing to put their work aside. And full-time mothers are angered and shaken by the low esteem with which many career women regard them." (Levine 64) On the economical side of things, a comparison needs to be made between the homemaker and working-wife families. If the two families have the same amount of income per month, the homemaker's family total income will be higher than the working-wife's family income. This is due to the fact that the working-wife spends at least 15 percent of her paycheck, excluding income tax, on her work-related expenses. This 15 percent is mainly spread across such things as transportation, social security and clothing (Smith 161). Not only does this 15 percent not cover income tax, but it also does not cover child care, which can run between $40.00 to $120.00 or more per child per week. If we take it a step further, her income should also be reduced according to the amount of time that is taken away from the domestic duties that the wife no longer has time to do, which are either sent out for someone else to do or are not done at all. It has also been shown that in the homemaker's family they spend as much as 50 percent less on clothing, transportation, recreation, and retirement over that of the working-wife's family; and their basic food and shelter expenditures are also slightly lower. So there is at least a 30 percent difference in income between the two families, the homemaker's family having the higher savings (Smith 161). In many cases, the mother is going back to work so that the family will have more income for specific bills, for future purchases, or usually just for a better standard of living. But is it worth it? We will be looking at that a little later. The other reason that mothers have left the home is for personal growth and fulfillment. They feel, according to Barbara Deckard, that they have little opportunity for intellectual growth or the satisfaction of achievement as stated earlier. Her view says, "Why should I be tied down to my family? What if I have dreams or plans for doing something more with my life? Don't you know that childbearing is another link in the chain of men's oppression over women? If I am with my children too much, I could damage them and scar them for life. Housework is no fun, it's not creative nor interesting, it's boring and never-ending, so why should I stay home doing these kinds of things, and those diapers !!?" Well, she has a point, they can be boring and tedious, but Phyllis Schlafly's rebuttal to this is that "Marriage and motherhood, of course, have their trials and tribulations. But what lifestyle doesn't? If you look upon your home as a cage, you will find yourself just as imprisoned in an office or a factory. The flight from the home is a flight from yourself, from responsibility, from the nature of woman, in pursuit of false hopes and fading illusions." (Finsterbush/McKenna 115,120,124,125,127). Why can't a woman feel fulfilled as a mother? She can! Then why do these other women say that they are not fulfilled unless they are out of the home and in the labor force? Good question. It could be for a number of reasons. Maybe at home the husband or children or both do not appreciate the mother as much as she needs, so she looks elsewhere for it. But if this is the case, she had better beware, because she may end up working somewhere where they don't treat her any better, maybe even worse. Possibly she has low self-esteem and just does not feel important. If this is the case, as in the first example, she needs to sit down with her family and work it out, instead of trying to find relief somewhere else. Maybe she just wants a change of pace. This too can be accomplished through part-time volunteer work, a home business, etc. What am I trying to say? That if she has unmet needs at home that are driving her to look for a job through which she thinks she will find fulfillment, she is barking up the wrong tree. She needs to get those needs met at home through her husband and children. Phyllis Schlafly makes this point in a more specific example when she says, "If you complain about servitude to a husband, servitude to a boss will be more intolerable." (Finsterbush/Mckenna 120). She goes on to say that "Everyone in the world has a boss of some kind. It is easier for most women to achieve a harmonious working relationship with a husband than with a foreman, supervisor, or office manager." (Finsterbush/McKenna 120). If the base problem is not dealt with, the problem will reoccur somewhere else. But can the home provide opportunity for intellectual growth and the satisfaction of achievement? Yes, if you truly desire it. It may take a little work, but it can be achieved. Also, raising a healthy, productive and happy family that adds to society is one of the greatest achievements a woman can obtain. Then what about the effects of a working mother on the children and family as a whole? THE EFFECTS OF A WORKING MOTHER "The past twenty years have brought dramatic changes in the typical American family. During this period the overall female employment rate rose by more than 50 percent (for married women with children living with their spouses, the rate doubled). Birth rates dropped by 40 percent, and divorce rates doubled." (Kamerman/Hayes 93) No wonder that we see the divorce rate double in the working-wife families, when there is an approximate increase of 16 percent in women having affairs in this group over the homemaker families (Norris/Miller 254). This not only affects the home of the working mother, but that of the homemaker whose husband participated in the affair with her. It can and usually does have long-reaching negative effects. It's not a pretty picture! What about the children of the working mother? If they are not taken care of by relatives of the family, more than likely they go to a day care. Day care centers can have a ratio of adults to infants and toddlers anywhere from one to two in the better places, or as many as ten or more infants to each staff member. The common ratio is about four to one. One of the problems that arise is that the day care industry is not a healthy one. "The work is difficult, and in most cases the pay is very low, and the training of the providers leaves much to be desired." (White 28). What is most likely, is that the child in the first two or three years will be exposed to numerous primary caretakers. Also infectious diseases, especially those involving hearing ability and middle ear infections are three to four times as prevalent than in the home (White 28). Some would say that it is good for the child to be in an environment like that because an "increased sense of independence, well-being, and greater appreciation for their parents have been found to be the attributes of many of the offspring of two-career marriages." (Swann-Rogak 6). But I disagree. During these first years a very important process is taking place in the child's life, that of socialization. For children this is called primary socialization in which the child develops language, individual identity, the learning of self-control and cognitive skills. Also, the child learns the internalization of moral standards, appropriate attitudes, motivations and a basic understanding of social roles (Hagedorn 87). During the most important time in a child's life, when the foundation of his personality, morals and attitudes are laid that he will build off of for the rest of his life, we cannot just give him to a complete stranger to mold. These are the years that can either make or break the child for the rest of his life. Can we leave this up to someone else, even a relative? What about the working mother and the family in general. As seen above, adultery and divorces have risen due to women in the work force, but what about other problems. As I page through books for the working mother I see chapter titles like these: "Succeeding with Your Children," "Getting Organized on the Home Front," "Feeding the Family," "New ways to Be Together," "Having a Baby," "Keeping Your Marriage Strong" (Norris/Miller v); "How Do You Manage It All," "I Can't Keep Up with It All," "This House Is a Mess," "Where Has Our Togetherness Gone?," "What if Something Happens When I'm Not There?," "I'm Tired All The Time," "Where Does All My Money Go?," "I Feel So Guilty" (Skelsey); etc., etc., etc.!! As can be seen from the titles, it is not easy on the family for the mother to go to work. Many adjustments must be made, and even then it cannot be done successfully. The only real superwomen are in the comics, not in real life. This is the feeling of many professional women and can be seen in the book Mothers Who Work by Jeanne Bodin and Bonnie Mitelman on pages 52 through 58. Many trade-offs had to be made. Is it worth it? From all of the negative effects on the children and family that have been shown in this paper, it is very easy to see that it is not. But of course I cannot make that decision for you. You need to decide!! BIBLIOGRAPHY Bodin, Jeanne and Bonnie Mitelman. Mothers Who Work. New York: Ballantine, 1983. Finsterbusch, Kurt and George McKenna, eds. Taking Sides. Guilford: The Dushkin Publishing Group, Inc., l984. Hagedorn, Robert, et al., eds. Sociology. Dubuque: Wm. C. Brown Company Publishers, l983. Kamerman, Sheila B. and Cheryl D. Hayes, eds. Families That Work: Children in a Changing World. Washington D.C.: National Academy Press, l982. Levine, Karen. "Mother vs. Mother." Parents (June, l985): 63-67. Norris, Gloria and Jo Ann Miller. The Working Mother's Complete Handbook. New York: Plume, l984. Skelsey, Alice. The Working Mother's Guide to Her Home, Her Family and Herself. New York: Random House, l970. Smith, Ralph E., ed. The Subtle Revolution, Women at Work. Washington, D.C.: The Urban Institute, l979. Swann-Rogak, Lisa. "Careers." Baby Talk (April, l985): 6. White, Burton L. "Should You Stay Home With Your Baby?" American Baby (October, l985): 27-28, 30. Copyright 1989 by Randy Hillebrand You are allowed to reproduce this article only in its entirety and without additions or deletions. Family Discipline Family Discipline The following article is intended to assist Christian parents understand why discipline must be a part of their family responsibilities. Discipline is not an easy task. It is especially most difficult where loved ones are concerned. The Christian parent of the late 20th century lives under extreme stress where discipline is concerned. We must be faithful to God, His Church, and to His Word which is our manual for parenting as well as living our own lives. I trust that as these pages are read, that the reader will have his Bible at hand to refer to the passages in reference. As a pastor, I trust that these words will have the sound of my voice in them to the one who reads these pages, for I write them with love, concern and sincerity. FAMILY DISCIPLINE By Pastor Jake Popejoy Solway Church of God Knoxville, Tennessee The Christian Family requires certain powers, abilities and authorities in order to satisfy the mandate of the Lord Jesus Christ. Idealistically we wish to see the family with every member secured in his proper place continually fulfilling the responsibility of his calling. Unfortunately, all too frequently, members of the God ordained institution (the family) become self-willed and independent. The result, in effect, is rebellion. Consequently, the Head of the Church has given instruction to His body to deal authoritatively with such cases of self-will and insolence found within its ranks. The purpose of this paper is to examine discipline within the family as it parallels church discipline, and to view several pertinent elements pertaining to the disciplining of the Family. The church is the prime example of the administration of the Family. It is able to discipline its own only because it has been given power from Christ to do so. The nature of the Family's power is both Spiritual and Ministerial. "It is a spiritual power, because it is given by the Spirit of God, Acts 20:28, can only be exercised in the name of Christ and by the power of the Holy Spirit, John 20:22,23; I Cor. 5:4, pertains exclusively to believers, I Cor. 5:12, and can only be exercised in a moral and spiritual way, II Cor. 10:4". Like the church, the Family has no power except that which has been given to her Jesus. The Family may not act independently of the will of Christ. Consequently, individual members are not to act independently of the will of Christ. Any disciplinary power administered by the Family must always be exercised in harmony with the Word of God and under the direction of the Holy Spirit. REASONS TO DISCIPLINE It is absolutely essential that we have a proper understanding of the meaning of discipline before we are able to utilize it for its divine purpose. Discipline can be understood and implemented in several way. Most commonly we think of Discipline in three ways. First, discipline is an act of correction. Properly understood, this is the idea of 'teaching a lesson' that they may not make the same mistake or same error again. Second, we may consider discipline in light of an individual's personal comportment or behavior. The bible speaks to us about this element in our life as temperance (discipline). In this case, we personally are the ones who are concerned with the course of our own life. We appeal to the Holy Spirit who strengthens us and enables us by Christ to stay on spiritual course Thirdly, we understand discipline to be a field of study or practice. It is obvious that we could read dictionaries, both secular and Biblical, to obtain a forensic definition of the word "discipline". However, we would not arrive at the conclusions necessary to validate and Theologically justify the reasons why we, as a church or family, discipline our members when they stray from the paths of righteousness. ELEMENTS OF DISCIPLINE The singular motive of the family, when exercising discipline, is ultimately to restore to fellowship the fallen or erring member. It is unfortunate that discipline may result in the severing of fellowship but its Theological intent is reconciliation. Reconciliation is a work of God and should be considered the mission of the family. For the Apostle Paul tells us in II Corinthians 5:18-20 "And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation; To with, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation. Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us we pray; you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God." Discipline is therefore a work and ministry of the people of God If the discipline of our family is motivated by the prospect of restoration and reconciliation it is in harmony and accord with the will and design of God. If however, discipline is utilized as tool to separate a member from the family or the church without an exhaustive attempt at restoration, it has simply fulfilled the role of sin itself. Sin is that element in life that separates us from God. If discipline is executed with the intent to separate, sin and discipline become one and the same. THE IMPORTANCE OF DISCIPLINE It is obvious to all who are Christian minded that the Lord requires obedience from His followers. The purpose of obedience should not be understood only as an act of honor and loyalty to the King of Kings, but as prerequisite to the blessings of God. While we do demonstrate our love and loyalty to God by obeying His commands and ordinances, we also become acceptable recipients of His blessings of salvation. Obedience is the prime factor of discipleship. Although obedience and discipline are not synonyms, it is not conceivable to have one without the other as pertains to our relationship with Christ and His church. It would be incongruent to think that one could be a disciple without being obedient to the master. Likewise it should be understood that obedience is the actualization of all that a disciple has learned. The importance of discipline is that its design is to ultimately bring an individual or community into precise harmony with the mind of Christ (and in this case the individual family). Furthermore, discipline must be a transforming experience and not merely a conforming experience. We never feel quite satisfied with the individual who conforms to our position only because they wish not to undergo the consequences of our discipline. To understand the importance of discipline there are two most vital elements to consider. First, if discipline is considered only in the context of punishment for a wrongful act it will surely fail. Second, discipline must be looked at as a training program. The apostle Paul gives us an example of discipline being an act of training in I Thessalonians 5:14, 15, "Now we exhort you brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men. See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men." Here we see Paul helping the church avoid catastrophe discipline, that is, discipline that waits until something goes wrong. The Greek text gives this rendering as "... admonish the idle, console the faint-hearted, hold on to the ones being weak ...". We can clearly see that the apostle is instructing the church and consequently the family to exercise discipline in terms of a rebuke, yet in the same breath he is teaching the church to help others avoid the same failure. Authors White and Blue, in their book, Healing the Wounded, say, "Failure of discipline as it is often practiced can be explained in part because we are installing smoke alarms after the fire has started." The necessity of discipline is pointed out to us in the words of Dr. R. Hollis Gause when he stated, "Discipline is necessary because we are capable of falling. Discipline does not expel but rather Discipline embraces." THE ATTITUDE OF DISCIPLINE The single most important element to the tempering of our disciplinary procedures will be our spiritual attitude at the time of administering the discipline. Before discipline can be an act of righteousness and benevolence it must be executed with righteous motives. We know from scripture that is not the will of God that any of His little ones should perish, we should therefore have this same mind in us. Unfortunately we the church, all too often attempt to use discipline as a means for a contrary brother to "see" things our way rather than to use discipline as a means to restore this brother to the way of the Lord. Second Corinthians chapter 13 is an excellent example of the Apostle Paul's ability to make distinction of motive. He commences this chapter with a sharp rebuke to sinners within the church who have participated in uncleanness and fornication. By the time the chapter is concluded he has balanced his rebuke by informing those to whom he speaks that, "This is why I write these things when I am absent, that when I come I may not have to be harsh in my use of authority, the authority the Lord gave me for building you up, not for tearing you down." (NIV) We cannot treat discipline with mediocrity, yet we must exercise care and restraint in our actions lest by applying discipline with the wrong attitude or spirit we create strife and division. Noting Matthew 18:15-21, we see the context in which this text is found is sandwiched between the Lord's parable of the lost sheep and Peter's query about forgiveness. Without stretching the meaning we can see that discipline is an act of God directed to His church (our Family) for the distinct purpose of ministering forgiveness. Christ's main concern relating to the disciplining of a brother is, "If he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother." The attitude that we must enter in to situations that demand discipline is the attitude of reconciliation. Unlike Christ, many times we don't care if we have 'gained our brother', we just want him to 'hear us'. THE AUTHORITY OF THE FAMILY RELATING TO DISCIPLINE Matthew 18:15-21 is a paradigm (example or formula) for church and family discipline. As we have already noted the prominent factor in this paradigm is that a brother is gained as a result of the disciplinary confrontation, let us now look at the echelons of authority that are mentioned by Christ. First, the Lord says, "if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone:" We have both the admonition and authority from the Lord to act individually in an act of discipline providing that we are attempting to resolve a situation that exists between the two of us as principal parties of the trespass. We should learn a great truth from this illustration. The fewer people involved in any disagreement, the less likely will be the possibility of enlarging the existing problem. In the second place we will note that it is not always possible to resolve a situation in the manner described, hence, the Lord authorizes involvement of witnesses. This is a most serious undertaking. The intent of the witness or witnesses is not someone who will accompany for mere moral support or be of partisan support for the offended person, but rather to undertake the responsibility as a guarantor of truth. Not to intimidate the individual who is being confronted but rather to give him the assurance of care and concern for his soul as well as the privilege to speak his own feelings in the presence of a witness of the family or church. Thirdly, if the second confrontation did not bear the fruit of restoration, the Lord then authorizes the intervention of the family body. This will obviously by its nature entail humiliation. If the trespasser does not heed the admonition of the church or family in public session it is as if he has neglected the voice of the Lord. The consequence of his action will be that he is treated as a heathen man and a publican, for in essence he is denying the body of the Lord and determines no longer to be part of it. In verses 18 through 20 the Lord reinforces the disciplinary rubric by giving it heavenly dimensions. The authority of the individual is seen in the Lord's statement of verse 18. "Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth...". The authority of the witnesses is seen in verse 19, "Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing...". And finally the authority of the congregational setting is noted in verse 20, "... where two or three are gathered together in my name...". THE IMPACT OF DISCIPLINE UPON THE FAMILY The burden of administering discipline goes far deeper than would first meet the eye. While a shepherd or elder of an flock may well see the need to exercise an admonition or rebuke in order to correct and restore an erring brother, it must be noted that the responsibility of discipline will ultimately fall upon the whole family. One or both parents or guardians may act on behalf of the family to administer the discipline, but it is the grave duty of the whole family to maintain discipline. This can only be accomplished by adherence to scriptural guidance. In II Thessalonians 3:6 the apostle Paul teaches us two important things about discipline as relates to the actions of the church. First, we see that Paul is commanding the church to implement discipline within its own body, "...we command you, brethren,...". Secondly as an act of discipline to inordinate believers we are to withdraw ourselves from equals (brothers) who walk disorderly. Sin is contagious. For this reason the Family cannot afford to be careless about sin in its midst. As well as contaminating the Family, open sin among God's people does damage to its (the church's) witness in the world. In Romans 16:17 Paul exhorts the church the 'mark', that is, to watch or keep their eyes open for those around us who would cause divisions among us. The warning is to avoid them. In I Corinthians 5:11 the apostle warns against socializing with anyone who calls himself a brother yet manifests the works of the flesh. The context of this passage is relating to the horrors of sin that were found in the church being practiced by members. Paul's call for purging in the 7th verse is a call for church discipline. I Corinthians 5:6,7, "... Know ye not that a little leaven leaveneth the whole lump? Purge out therefore the old leaven, that ye may be a new lump, as ye are unleavened ...". From a pastor's perspective, who is also a parent, and as a member of the local church I am very much aware that the actualizing of the disciplinary charge to the family is much easier to teach or preach than to actually put into everyday practice. Yet, Paul would actually demand that our socializing come into subjection to the authority of the church, Hence, socializing by family members must come into subjection to the discipline of the family. This becomes a great dilemma for the family because we can think of manifold reasons, all in the name of love, why we should not severe any relationships. THE DOCTRINAL IMPLICATIONS OF FAMILY DISCIPLINE In a broad sense the doctrinal implications of discipline are of a two fold nature. The consideration of the salvation of the individual and the preservation of the purity of the Family. I Corinthians 5:5, "... deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus". Herein is Paul's hope of salvation for the backslider indicated. The interpretations of this passage are legion however, the implication is for the disobedient brother to be able to view the blessings of the family by contrast. The ultimate goal would be the repugnancy of the world being a factor that guide the wayward back to his Family and parents. The preservation of the purity of the church and family has always been of doctrinal importance. This is the body of Christ manifest on earth. God's desire for His Church is spotless perfection. His desire is none less for the individual family. The illustration of the leaven mentioned earlier in the paper is a doctrinal thread treated through the entire context of the Bible. Jude warns us about "spots" in our feasts of charity. The warning is to guard against hidden rocks in our communities of worship. CONCLUSION Family discipline must be considered in doctrinal context. If we view discipline as anything other than a scriptural doctrine our lives and families will be chaotic. If discipline is not given full doctrinal support we will find ourselves making up the rules of discipline as we need them. The Bible has outlined for us both importance and the imperative of the execution of this great work of the Family and Church. If it is exercised with great relish it is most probably being exercised in the wrong attitude. If it is given little consideration and utilized only as an absolute 'last resort' then it is probably not really being exercise at all. The most difficult thing for the 20th Century Christian family is to administer discipline. You stand in a world which rejects sound biblical principles of the church and family discipline. I trust that we will be strong enough to rely on the wisdom of God. EDITOR'S NOTE: Pastor Popejoy's article is presented with the intent to assist Christian parents understand disciplinary issues. Discipline is not an easy task, but it is one that all Christian parents are called to. There are many Biblical principles dealing with the subject of discipline, including God's discipline of us, His children. One area of Scripture that has a lot to say on the subject is the book of Proverbs. For consideration of discipline from this book see our Old Testament Study column in the Biblical Studies area of this issue. God, What Do I Do Now? God, What Do I Do Now? GOD, WHAT DO I DO NOW? (What happens when your child wants to date a nonbeliever.) By Joanne and Guy Miner Our journey as parents began at a young age. We were not ready for what lay ahead. Within the first couple of years of marriage our daughter was born. Our twins were born 3 1/2 years later. It was then we, in our role as parents, began to apply the Word of God to our lives. God began to reveal to us the importance of not only reading his word, but also applying it to our lives. Our lives were not perfect. We had many struggles to deal with. These not only including trying to be the parents God wanted us to be, but also dealing with the struggles in our own lives. These struggles often were a product of our family backgrounds. Guy came from a well structured family, while I came from a very dysfunctional family. When our children were younger, our lives were very busy, especially with the twins. As they grew older, our concerns for them also grew. We watched them grow up in a world that believed the opposite of what was taught in God's Word. This was a serious concern. We struggled for years with our oldest daughter, Nicole, and her academic performance. This problem continued right into her high school years. Also, we tried to communicate to all of our children God's standards for their lives. One specific standard related to dating. It was in this area we faced conflict with our daughter during her junior year. She had never wanted to date until then. We knew, with some reassurance from a counselor, that God only wanted her to date Christians. Our daughter began seeing a young man. He was very nice and polite. The relationship went on for about 2 months. We continued to ask Nicole if this boy was a believer. Her response: "I don't know yet." He had talked to her a little about going to church and knew she also attended. So, we felt it was time to talk with him. We needed to explain what we and God wanted in their relationship. Nicole was a believer. So, we believed God did not want her to be in an "unequally-yoked" relationship that could one day end in marriage. After that day, we began praying for the young man's salvation. We also prayed that, if he was a believer, God would restore his heart. We also prayed that our stand would not cause him to be bitter towards God. This was a very painful and delicate situation, not only for our daughter, but also for us. Nicole had already grown closer to him. Much to our amazement, God began a work in this young man's heart. After about 2 months, Nicole and Joanne were very burdened for him. The Lord keep placing him upon our hearts. We decided to allow Nicole to contact him, only to see if he was OK. This gave Nicole a chance to share the testimony of her salvation with him. He explained that he had been searching for some answers about Christ from friends, and especially one who was a youth worker. He also was asking some questions of Jehovah's Witness. He was to be given a Bible from them, which he had committed to read. We found out that this young man had accepted the Lord, but had never been discipled or supported. From that time until today, he consistently attended church and youth ministry. This is not because he is forced to. It is because he loves the Lord and wants to attend. What a blessing it has been to see him growing in the Lord. During the period we required Nicole to stop seeing him. It was a very painful situation. Although it did not feel good to see our daughter hurting, we knew we were doing what God wanted us to do. It was a wonderful blessing to see the Lord encourage our daughter. And this encouragement was in the same areas where we had struggled with her. We were very proud of her this year. She made honor roll, something we thought was out of reach for her. The Lord also gave her a ministry in music. We thank God for this. There is so much more we could share. The most important point is, we are not perfect parents. Our kids are not perfect kids. There have been many trials and tribulations which we have had to deal with. We feel it was, and still is, very important during these times to teach and apply God's word to each situation. This must be done as we face different situations with our children. As it says in Deuteronomy 6:6-7: "These commandments I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them upon your children. Talk to them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." We believe as problems arise, they present us with an opportunity to teach our children. We show them what the Lord would have them do or how He wants them to react. Through these times, we can also cultivating our relationship with them. We can continue learning how to love them unconditionally. May you experience the same opportunities. Biblical Studies New In Christ New In Christ You have just started a new adventure. You have accepted Christ as your savior. Join us an a mission to new ideas. Meet new people. Go where you have never gone before. Presented for your consideration ... NEW IN CHRIST "God's Word For The Christian Teenager" By Mr. and Mrs. Clarence A. Elzinga Galesburg, Michigan When choosing entertainment ... Abstain from all appearance of evil" (1 Thessalonians 5:22). When ridiculed for witnessing ... "And they departed from the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer shame for his name" (Acts 5:41). When instructed by parents ... "Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right" (Ephesians 6:1) When tempted to smoke ... "An ungodly man diggeth up evil: and in his lips there is as a burning fire" (Proverbs 16:27). "Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?" (1 Corinthians 3:16). When taking a test ... "Pray for us: for we trust we have a good conscience, in all things willing to live honestly" (Hebrews 13:18). When speaking to others ... "To speak evil of no man, to be no brawlers, but gently, shewing all meekness unto all men" (Titus 3:2). When participating in sports ... "And if a man also strive for masteries, yet is he not crowned except he strive lawfully" (2 Timothy 2:5). When tempted to drink beer, wine or liquor ... "But Daniel purposed in his heart that he would not defile himself with the portion of the King's meat, nor with the wine which he drank: therefore he requested of the prince of eunuches that he might not defile himself" (Daniel 1:8). "At the last it biteth like a serpent, and stingeth like an adder" (Proverbs 23:32). When planning for the future ... "Order my steps in thy word: and let not any iniquity have dominion over me" (Psalms 119:133). When choosing companions ... "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?" (2 Corinthians 6:14). God has a plan for YOU! He earnestly desires to work out this plan in your life. Don't spoil the plan! Just ask yourself the question, "What would Jesus do?" Remember God loves us as His children. We love Him as our Father but we also fear His wrath. "And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening the Lord, nor faint when thou are rebuked of Him: For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. If we endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons. Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live? For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure, but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness. Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless, afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which be exercised thereby." (Hebrews 12:5-11). "Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world, If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him" (1 John 2:15). "Let no man despise thy youth; but he thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith in purity" (1 Timothy 4:12). The Christian Teen-ager must be as different from the world as the world is different from the Bible. Old Testament Study Old Testament Study OLD TESTAMENT STUDY SOLOMON'S PROVERBS ON RAISING CHILDREN by Randall Hillebrand "To know wisdom and instruction, To discern the sayings of understanding, To receive instruction in wise behavior, Righteousness, justice and equity; To give prudence to the naive, To the youth knowledge and discretion, A wise man will hear and increase in learning, And a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel, To understand a proverb and a figure, The words of the wise and their riddles." (Proverbs 1:2-6) Solomon tells us that it is a good thing to study proverbs. This is because proverbs is filled with wisdom and instruction through which one can increase in learning and acquire wise counsel; where one can discover sayings of understanding and be taught wise behavior. This is why I chose to glean the Book of Proverbs for bits of wisdom on the proper way in which to raise children, in a manner pleasing to God. Also, as the proverb above states, "To the youth knowledge and discretion" come from their learning and understanding of proverbs. So the first piece of wisdom that I see Proverbs teaching on the raising of children is that it is very profitable to teach one's children the proverbs contained in this book. Not only would it be profitable to teach from this book, but from all of the wisdom literature in the Old Testament for the understanding which they will receive. To take it even a step further, we know that not only is wisdom literature profitable for teaching, but that "All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work." (II Timothy 3:16-17). So, we should teach all scripture to our children, keeping in mind the application derived from Deuteronomy 6:4-7, which is an exhortation to love God with everything we have, to keep in our heart the word of God, and to diligently teach the scriptures to our children at all times ("when you sit in your house and walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up." vs. 7). Maybe Deuteronomy 6:4-7 was in the back of Solomon's mind when he wrote Proverbs 1:8-9 which says, "Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and do not forsake your mother's teaching; indeed, they are a graceful wreath to your head, and ornaments about your neck." Where Deuteronomy 6:4-7 is an injunction to parents, Proverbs 1:8 is an injunction to children. Solomon is not only telling them to listen to their father's instruction, but this verse has the idea of obeying them also. So when the father gives instructions, the children carry them out. The children are also told not to forsake or abandon their mother's teachings, probably meaning the teachings of the scriptures which were usually part of the mother's duties since the father did not always have the time to do so. So as the parents are told to teach, the children are told to listen and respond. Verse 9 gives the results of children that abide by verse 8, which is that "they are a graceful wreath to your head, and ornaments about your neck." In other words, they are something to be displayed because of their value and they are prize possessions that bring pride to their parents. Any parent would be happy and proud to display their children for others to see if they are obedient. The next proverb which shed light on the raising of children was Proverb 1:7. Here we see that "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge;" but "fools despise wisdom and instruction." Solomon's use of the phrase, "fear of the Lord," has more than just the idea of fear. When the Israelite used this word fear (Hebrew -"yare'") with respect to God, it had the idea of the highest reverence and respect combined with love that a child could have for a parent. The aspect of fear was still there, but because of the expression of love involved, it became more of an awe toward God; a fear without torment. (Kufeldt 475). This is what we are to teach our children when teaching them the fear of God, not a type of fear that causes them to go and hide in a corner from, nor attempt to lie to God every time they sin because of their fear that God will be cruel and mean toward them. This kind of fear knows that God will chastise the disobedient, but also knows that it is for their best. So having this type of fear is the beginning of knowledge, because understanding what it means to fear God is in itself an important piece of knowledge to have. But also, having a fear of God shows that one believes in God, which gives him the ability to grow closer to and learn more about God, which is the beginning of true knowledge. So the second thing we need to do as parents is to teach our children the "fear of God" which "is the beginning of knowledge, "otherwise we will have children who are fools, 'fools' who will "despise wisdom and instruction." The word instruction here has the idea of discipline, correction, chastisement, which says that these are the kind of things that they despise. The man who despises these things will live a life that is undisciplined and irresponsible, a life that is full of one mishap after another because he has not learned the fear of God and put God in His proper place. The Book of Proverbs has a number of things to say about the discipline of children. We will even see that in some of the proverbs, the rod will be discussed as a tool of discipline, challenging some today that would say that when a child misbehaves we should talk to him or her, but never spank. This would especially challenge those today that say children should not even be disciplined by talking to them because we may hinder their creative abilities. But as we will see, Solomon disagrees with this philosophy of child rearing. Proverbs 23:13 brings Solomon's view across vividly when he says, "Do not hold back discipline from the child, although you beat him with the rod, he will not die." The word "beat" here has the idea of smiting or striking with a powerful effect. It is not talking about a couple pats on the child's behind. And as Solomon states further, "he will not die." Some may say, that's too cruel, children do not need a spanking like that. Yes, there is some truth in that. All children are different and they all respond to discipline in different ways. But Solomon has a very good reason for this as can be seen in the next verse. He says, "You shall beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from Sheol." I believe this truth can be seen in Proverbs 22:6 where Solomon says, "Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it." If a child is trained in the way he should go, which includes a fear of God, teaching about God and discipline to keep his way straight, then we are told that "when he is old he will not depart from it." In other words, what one learns as a child will in most cases be lived out by that person in adulthood. So an undisciplined child will in most cases turn out to be an undisciplined adult, as a disciplined child will probably be disciplined as an adult. Solomon is just letting parents know that the discipling of their children has eternal consequences (delivering them from Sheol). Solomon further tells us in Proverbs 13:24 that the one "who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently." The word "diligently" means to look for early. So it is not the kind of situation where the parents discipline the child when they get around to it, but it is an immediate handling of disciplinary action. Solomon also says, "Discipline your son while there is hope." (Proverbs 19:18) A literal translation might be, "Discipline your son for there is hope." Solomon is telling us here that there is hope for our children if they are disciplined. He states further in that verse, "And do not desire his death," or in other words, do not set your heart on his destruction. Do not make the decision that he is a hopeless case without trying to help him." (Kufeldt 548) Again trying to help this child can be done through discipline as stated in this verse and two others that we will be looking at. Proverbs 22:15 tells us that "foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child," but there is hope as stated above. What is that hope? That hope is seen in the latter part of this verse which says, "the rod of discipline will remove it far from him." The foolishness that the discipline will remove can be defined as silliness or folly; acting in such a way so as to be irresponsible in their acts and behavior. Another instance where discipline brings hope is in the case of the one who forsakes his way. Solomon tells us that "stern discipline is for him who forsakes the way" and that "he who hates reproof will die." (Proverbs 15:10). This verse is true for any age, but with our specific application to children, we can see that a child that forsakes or decides to leave the way can be brought back through the use of discipline. What is Solomon talking about when he talks about him that forsakes the way? From the context it seems as though he is talking about forsaking the way of God -- going your own way and doing your own thing. In the case of a child, not obeying his parents, which is a direct sin against God assuming that the parents are not having the child go against the moral law of God. The latter part of the verse makes it clear that he who hates reproof or correction is headed for death. This is because the child in our case is not listening to the parents' reproof, which shows his lack of sense. By not listening to the parents, the child may never consider the things of God in his life, which will definitely lead to spiritual death. From a physical standpoint, the child may not listen to the parent's reproof about the proper way to cross a street. This could later end in the child's death because he did not look both ways before crossing as he was told. Solomon further states along these lines that "whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid." (Proverbs 12:1). In the case of the child above, if he would be one that loves discipline (knowing that it is for his best), it would then be true that he has a love for knowledge because he understands that when discipline is applied, there is a definite lesson to be learned for future living. He would be happy to be set straight each time he falters, knowing that this discipline would keep him living a life pleasing to God. As the child above may run out in front of a car someday because he did not listen to his parents' reproof, the child who loves discipline would not do that because he would have taken heed to past warnings. Solomon says that the child who hates reproof is stupid. He is stupid because if he is not reproved, he will not learn. So we can say that this child hates knowledge because he does not want to learn from his past mistakes. Along these same lines, Proverbs 13:1 tells us that "a wise son accepts his father's discipline, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke." Why does the wise son accept his father's discipline? Because his father's discipline is knowledge for the son to live by as stated previously. But the scoffer, one who intensely looks down at others, does not listen to rebuke. This is because the scoffer sees himself above everyone else and above anything that they would have to tell him. So when the scoffer is rebuked for wrongdoings, it means nothing to him since he would never make a mistake. He, as the child above that hates reproof, is himself stupid. Relating to the son accepting his father's discipline, Solomon tells his son not to reject God's discipline. He says, "my son, do not reject the discipline of the Lord, or loathe His reproof, for whom the Lord loves he reproves, even as a father, the son in whom he delights." (Proverbs 3:11-12). Parents need to have good communication with their children so that they can discuss pretty much anything and everything with them. This can come in handy by being able to help the child see God working in his life, whether in the area of discipline or blessing to the child. If the parents are keen to the happenings in the child's life, they may be able to see if the child is rejecting the Lord's discipline or loathing His reproof. In other words, to see if the child is rejecting the Lord's discipline by continuing in the sin that the Lord just disciplined him for, indicating no regard for the Lord or for his discipline. Also to watch and see if the child is loathing the Lord's reproof which means basically having a hatred, or sickening and intense fear toward that reproof. Reproof being an understanding of the sin committed as well as any actions that need to be taken because of and/or against that sin. We need to show our children that God has a good reason to discipline and reprove them and us alike. This reason is seen in verse 12 when Solomon says, "for whom the Lord loves He reproves, even as a father, the son in whom he delights." God disciplines because he loves us. Not only does he love us, but he loves us as a father loves his child in whom he finds great pleasure. Lastly in considering the area of discipline, Solomon tells us that "the rod of reproof gives wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother." (Proverbs 29:15). What Solomon is telling us here is that through discipline of our children, they will learn the proper way in which to act. They will learn to fear God, to respect their parents, and how to live a valuable life for God and others. As can be seen from the latter part of this verse, the child who is not disciplined but gets his own way and does what he wants will do nothing but bring shame to his mother. This is so because this kind of a child becomes nothing more than a self-centered, uncaring and disrespectful person that brings no honor to his family, especially his mother. This kind of child, besides bringing his mother shame, also brings her grief; and he despises her (Proverbs 10:1; 15:20). This kind of a child is nothing but a heartache to his mother, who shows his dislike towards her by being foolish in his ways and by bringing her sorrow and shame at the mention of his name. This type of child is a disgrace to this whole family in contrast to a child who has learned from the rod of reproof. When the rod of reproof is used in such a way so as to bring wisdom to the child, proverbs say that it makes his father glad (Proverbs 10:1; 15:20). As can be seen from the above discussion on discipline, discipline is very important in the rearing of children. So the third thing parents need to do in the raising of their children is to discipline them, using a rod when necessary. I will end this section on discipline by quoting Proverbs 29:17, "Correct your son, and he will give you comfort; He will also delight your soul." Two other important truths of Proverbs that I believe a child should know will now be discussed. The first one is seen in Proverbs 14:12 which says, "there is a way which seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death." We need to teach our children that the word of God is our authority and that we need to check everything against it. Just because a way seems right to us does not mean that it is the way that God wants us to go. God may very well want us to go in the other direction. The other verse is Proverbs 22:1, which states, "a good name is to be more desired than great riches, favor is better than silver and gold." Here Solomon is stating that a good name in the sight of men is more important than riches because riches may not last. Also, if your riches do not last, your friends may not either; but with a good name it does not matter if you are rich or poor because you will have friends not because of what you have, but because of who you are. Solomon also states that favor (meaning grace or charm) is better than silver and gold because one's grace can go much farther than silver or gold. Especially for a person who is poor; if he has grace, he can win people to himself and to his cause. So if our children grow in the grace and knowledge of God and have a good name and favor among men, they will have things that are important in God's eyes. They will also understand that wealth is not everything and that their pursuit of it, bypassing the things of God, is nothing but striving after the wind. To summarize on raising children according to Proverbs, we need to remember the following: (1) Teach children the scriptures according to Deuteronomy 6:4-7. (2) Teach children what it means to fear God. (3) Discipline children: a) To deliver their souls from Sheol. b) To train them up in the way they should go. c) Because you love them. d) As soon as the child misbehaves. e) While there is still hope. f) To remove foolishness from them. g) If they forsake the way. h) To add to their knowledge for living. i) Because it gives them wisdom. j) So they do not bring shame and disgrace to their mother. k) So your children will not grow up despising their mother. l) So they will bring you comfort and delight to your soul. (4) Teach children that the word of God is to be their standard by which to live. (5) Teach children that a good name and favor are more important than riches and gold and silver. (Note: The two references used in this paper were taken from The Wesleyan Bible Commentary, Volume II.) Copyright 1989 by Randy Hillebrand You are allowed to reproduce this article only in its entirety and without additions or deletions. Special Studies Special Studies THE REVELATION OF GOD THROUGH HIS KENOSIS Dr. Charles A. Wootten Whole Counsel Ministries, Inc. In a great act of condescension and self-humbling, Jesus, "Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death -- even death on a cross!" (Philippians 2:6-8 NIV). All of this was for our salvation. The Revelation of God here is firmly sealed in the "grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich" (II Corinthians 8:9 NIV). This is not only the stated fact of the incarnation but its meaning. The kenosis theory, a view propounded by Bishop Gore in 1889, stated that Jesus had to empty Himself of some Divine qualities. This is a fallacy because God could not give up what was His. The Scriptures, especially the New Testament testimony, repeatedly, emphatically, shows the omnipotence and omnipresence and omniscience of Him (see also Matthew 28:18, John 21:17, Ephesians 4:10). The impression of Jesus that the Gospels give is not that He was without these qualities, but that He drew on them intermittently, while being content much of the time not to do so. This is so obvious a testimony of Divine capacities restrained rather than Divine capacities discarded. The real kenosis is a laying aside of glory for an acceptance of hardship, isolation, ill-treatment, malice and the sins of the world so that through His poverty we might become rich. The Revelation of God here is a serious, wonderful manifestation of Love, Tender Mercy, and Grace in all meanings. Thus, the kenosis became flesh in a manger in Bethlehem. In his book, Jesus the Messiah, Alfred Edersheim remarks that "He was to be revealed from Migdal Eder, 'the tower of the flock.' This Migdal Eder was not the watch- tower for the ordinary flocks which pastured on the barren sheep-ground beyond Bethlehem, but lay close to the town, on the road to Jerusalem. A passage in the Mishnah leads to the conclusion, that the flocks, which pastured there, were destined for Temple-sacrifices, and, accordingly, that the shepherds, who watched over them, were not ordinary shepherds. The latter were under the ban of Rabbinism, on account of their necessary isolation from religious ordinances, and their manner of life, which rendered strict legal observance unlikely, if not absolutely impossible. This same Mishnic passage also leads us to infer, that these flocks lay out all the year round, since they are spoken of as in the fields thirty days before the Passover that is, in the month of February, when in Palestine the average rainfall is nearly greatest. It was ... the very place consecrated by tradition as that where the Messiah was to be first revealed." The doctrine of grace, mercy, and redemption was even shown in the witness of shepherds. After the time of her purification was complete (see Leviticus 12) Mary took the child Jesus to be circumcised. She presented Him in the Temple according to the Law. She offered up a sin-offering for the Levitical defilement, symbolically attaching to the beginning of life. Also offered was a burnt offering which marked the restoration of communion with God. She could again partake of the sacred offerings as, through prayer and praise a