How to Find a LASTING Relationship
3rd Edition
Now Includes: Complete National Singles Resource Directory
by Richard Gosse
I.S.B.N. 0-88247-848-6
Extensively updated and revised from the original publication:
"Looking for Love in All the Right Places"
Copyright (C) 1991 by Richard Gosse
Published by
MARIN PUBLICATIONS
4 Highland Avenue
San Rafael, California 94901
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Gosse, Richard
How to find a lasting relationship. 3rd Edition.
Now includes: Complete National Singles Resource Directory
Bibliography: p.
1. Dating (Social customs)
2. Single People--United States-Psychology.
3. Mate selection--United States.
4. Interpersonal relations.
I. Title.
HQ801.G597 1991 646.7'7 87-28368
ISBN 0-88247-848-6
Dedicated to Matt McKay
Table of Contents
The Desperately Lonely
Why Can't I Find the Right Person?
Playing the Numbers Game
Life on the Meat Rack: How to Survive in a Singles Bar
Singles Groups
Dating Services
Making Time for Meeting People
Initiating Contact
Overcoming the Fear of Rejection
The Art of Conversation
Becoming a Good Listener
Establishing Intimacy
Lies We Tell Ourselves
Games Singles Play
Resentments
Dealing with Bad Habits
Prejudices and Stereotypes
Looking Good
Sex and the Single Person
When Love Dies
How to be Happily Single
Romance
Open Letters
National Singles Resource Directory
National Singles Organizations
Nationwide Travel Services for Singles
National Singles Publications
Regional Singles Publications
Books for Singles
----------------------
THE DESPERATELY LONELY
----------------------
Imagine you are desperately hungry. When you're starving, you
don't insist on a gourmet meal. You'll settle for scraps. So, too,
with the desperately lonely. They get involved with the first
available person. They're always in a relationship, no matter how
painful, because for them the greatest misery is being alone. The
desperately lonely have no need for this book. They have no problem
meeting someone for a romantic relationship, since just about anyone
will do.
The people who need this book are those who are selective, those
who prefer being alone to being involved with the wrong person. While
there may be 60 million singles to choose from in America, it's
difficult to find that special person who is right for you.
Meeting someone special requires hard work. Don't listen to people
who tell you the opposite. They believe in myths. For example:
1. The Enchanted Evening Myth. The song from the musical South
Pacific says it all. One night your life partner will be
across a crowded room and it will be love at first sight.
This actually does happen--for about 1% of the population.
99% of us are not so lucky.
2. The Zen Myth. This says that when you look for somebody you
will never find them. Only when you give up your search will
the right person walk into your life. This is similar to
telling someone that the easiest way to get a job is to take
a vacation. That's baloney.
It amazing to see the contrast between how much effort people are
willing to exert for their careers and how little for a fulfilling
relationship. It says a great deal about their hierarchy of values.
They will do almost anything to get ahead: spend many years and
thousands of dollars for the right college degree; buy the right
clothes; spend unlimited hours on the phone and going to job
interviews; shamelessly flatter bosses they can't stand; accept
transfers to places they hate. When it comes to love, however, they
shrug and say, "When the time is right, it'll happen."
Satisfying romantic relationships usually don't just happen. They
take work and most of all patience. Unfortunately, choosy people
sometimes don't know how to find the right person. They wind up moving
into the desperate category because they had to wait too long.
The purpose of this book is to enable you to stay selective long
enough to meet the right person. With this book, you will:
* Learn where to go to meet attractive people of the
opposite sex.
* Receive step-by-step instruction on how to overcome your
fear of rejection.
* Learn the art of conversation and how to be a good
listener.
* Learn how to abandon your prejudices and stereotypes.
* Find out if your expectations are realistic.
* Learn how to increase your attractiveness.
* Discover your resentments toward the opposite sex and
how to get rid of them.
* Learn how to cope with flaws in others.
* Be given the tools for surviving loneliness.
* Learn how to transcend the games that singles play and
develop honest, intimate relationships.
* Find out how to keep love alive.
I want to level with you. There's nothing magic in this book just
skills that take hard work to learn. It's tough to meet the right
person. But it can be done. Millions of people in this country are
happily in love right now. You can join them.
----------------------------------
WHY CAN'T I FIND THE RIGHT PERSON?
----------------------------------
There are millions of discouraged singles in this country. Male or
female, the refrain is the same: "Where are all the single women?"
"Where are all the single men?" Both sexes seem equally convinced that
there is a terrible shortage of the opposite sex.
Obviously they can't both be right. The fact of the matter is that
there are over 64 million single adults (over 18) in the United
States. While you are reading this, there are literally millions of
men and women hoping to meet someone for a loving relationship. Why,
then, is it so difficult to meet the right person?
A sociological explanation currently in vogue is that we live in
an impersonal, urbanized society that causes us to feel isolated from
each other. In "the good old days" it was easy to meet people. Most of
the population lived in small towns where everyone went to the same
schools, playgrounds, churches, barn dances, etc. Even in the big
cities it was easy to meet people because everyone felt part of the
neighborhood. People knew and greeted each other on the street. They
tended to fall in love, marry, and raise children in the same area.
Today it's rare to find a sense of neighborhood in the big cities.
A study of Chicago's South Shore neighborhood revealed that residents
visit friends outside the neighborhood more often than within the area
and that almost half never visit with the neighborhood at all! The
authors of the study concluded that "South Shore is in fact primarily
a bedroom for its inhabitants."
Social isolation is certainly a plausible answer to the question
of why it's so hard to meet people, but it fails to identify what may
be the chief culprit--extreme selectivity. Nathaniel Branden, in The
Psychology of Romantic Love, points out that throughout the world
romantic love is seldom the ideal--nor was it even in the United
States until recent decades. People got married for economic and
child-rearing purposes, not love. Divorce was an abomination.
Divorcees were seen as immoral and a threat to polite society. A woman
was expected to stay with her husband regardless of his personal
inadequacies. Wife-beating, alcoholism and impotence were "crosses to
bear". A man who traded his wife in for a younger model was looked
upon with disdain and punished severely by alimony laws.
Today Americans see marriage as a means to happiness, not as an
end in itself. Cognizant of the high divorce rate they are more choosy
about whom they will marry. They wait for Ms. or Mr. Perfect. Few ever
match up to their romantic ideal.
Part of the problem is Hollywood. Men look at the movie or
television screen and see Farrah Fawcett and Jane Fonda. The result is
that 95% of men seem to be chasing after 5% of women who are slim and
beautiful.
If you are a woman, resist the temptation to pat yourself on the
back for being less concerned with physical attractiveness than men.
Own up to your own superficial expectations. Most of the women I have
interviewed are prejudiced against guys who don't have a large salary
and a status job. In my work with a dating club, time and again I
spoke with women over the phone who said yes to a physician or lawyer
who wanted to date them, but said no to a janitor or truck driver.
Women may be less concerned about physical appearance than men,
but that's not to say that it's unimportant to them. Most women want a
good-looking boyfriend, much as most men want a pretty girlfriend. The
sad fact, however, is that only a tiny percentage of single men and
women are going to look like playboy bunnies or movie stars. In fact,
even playboy bunnies and movie stars don't look that way in person.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame would look good with the right make-up,
clothes, hairstyle, photo retouching and camera angles. The occasional
"knockout" or "hunk" you see walking down the street probably has a
long line of admirers. Unless you're also beautiful or have some
equally desirable quality (like a million dollars), chances are you
won't succeed with them.
Let's assume that you do meet your photogenic dream boat.
Everything may not come up roses, as James discovered. "I felt very
fortunate when I started dating Barbara. She was every man's dream:
beautiful face; long, full, jet black hair; all the right curves and
long, slim legs. The first night we went to bed I thought I had died
and gone to heaven !
"It took about a month for the bubble to burst. I started to
notice how stuck-up she was. I've got nothing against high self-
esteem, but this was different. She had the attitude that the world
owed her a living. Everyone had to kowtow to her because she was so
beautiful. I guess I really don't have a right to complain. After all,
Barbara didn't change--I did. I got tired of being her humble admirer.
I started to feel that she was using me, not just financially, but in
other ways, too. Our relationship never graduated from the excitement
of the chase to the joys of intimacy. They only come from an equal
relationship.
"One other thing that got me was the boredom. Barbara didn't have
much of a personality. She wasn't stupid--she had an above average
I.Q., but she wasn't witty and she wasn't much of a conversationalist.
She was a great status symbol and sex object for me but after awhile,
she really wasn't all that stimulating anymore. Now I'm going with a
girl who isn't half as gorgeous as Barbara, but that's okay. I guess
maybe the old cliche is true about beauty only being skin deep."
Take care not to misinterpret James' experience. Beautiful people
are not all stuck-up, nor are they all boring. Be aware, however, that
we all have both faults as well as good qualities. Less attractive
people from a physical standpoint sometimes compensate with other
virtues.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EXERCISE
How high are your expectations? This is not an exercise about your
fantasies but about what you will settle for in a romantic
relationship. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 meaning extremely attractive
and 10 meaning extremely unattractive, what is the rock bottom that
would satisfy you in the following areas:
___ 1. Looks
___ 2. Wealth
___ 3. Intelligence
___ 4. Sense of humor
___ 5. Honesty
___ 6. Social status
___ 7. Education
___ 8. Psychological health
___ 9. Maturity
___10. Pleasant disposition
Now measure your attractiveness to the opposite sex. Self-appraisal is
not an easy task. Be as honest with yourself as you can. Don't put
down what you wish you were like or what you'll be like "after I lose
5 pounds this month" or "when I make my fortune next year". This is an
exercise on how attractive you are today. By the same token, if you
have a tendency to be overly critical or judgmental about yourself,
inflate your score a point or two to counteract your modesty. You may
find it helpful to show your self-evaluation to others whom you can
trust to be honest. Going to a flatterer is a waste of time. Rate
yourself on a scale of I to 10 in terms of your attractiveness to the
opposite sex.
___ 1. Looks
___ 2. Wealth
___ 3. Intelligence
___ 4. Sense of humor
___ 5. Honesty
___ 6. Social status
___ 7. Education
___ 8. Psychological health
___ 9. Maturity
___10. Pleasant disposition
---------------------------------------------------------------------
SHOULD I LOWER MY EXPECTATIONS?
Are your expectations much higher than what you have to offer? If
so, you are in deep trouble. Why would anyone with the qualities you
demand settle for you? If you are a 3 in looks and a 5 in wealth, you
are unlikely to attract someone with a 10 in either category. On the
other hand, you don't necessarily have to score high in the same
categories as the person you desire. For example, it's not
unreasonable for a person who is a 10 in wealth to expect someone who
is a 10 in looks (or vice versa).
In many cases it is essential to lower your expectations. For
example, Joe is a 36 year old divorced carpenter. He is average
looking and rents a one bedroom apartment. Joe loves young, beautiful,
slim women. He spends a great deal of time at home--alone. The
beautiful women all seem to be taken, or at least that's what they
tell him. Joe fails to realize that the women he wants are few and far
between and have their choice of more wealthy and attractive men. Joe
reads his Penthouse magazine each month and fantasizes about all the
beautiful women he will have--someday.
Let's also consider Rachel, a 25 year old brunette with large
brown eyes and a beautiful smile. She works for the phone company and
has never been married. Rachel has one main problem: she could "afford
to lose a few pounds". Occasionally she gets offers for dates from
single guys at work, but she usually turns them down. She's holding
out for a doctor, lawyer, or business executive. Rachel comes from a
poor family. Her father was a blue collar worker who was frequently
laid off. Making it financially was a struggle for the family and her
mother always told her that "it's just as easy to fall in love with a
rich man as a poor one."
Both Joe and Rachel live in a dream world. Joe is no more likely
to marry his girlie magazine foldout than Rachel is to wed a future
millionaire. They have years of loneliness ahead of them because their
expectations are too high. Both would be wise to come down to earth
and settle for what is reasonably available.
The other side of the coin is the classic mistake of
overcompensating. After years of loneliness many single people decide
"I'm just too fussy" and abandon their expectations. Susan, for
example, is a 41 year old school teacher and mother of two teenagers.
Long ago, when she married Phil, he was in law school and she thought
she had hit the jackpot. Years later she found out that he was a
homosexual and divorced him. Susan is pretty and still has her figure.
Unfortunately, the professional men she dated seemed to always leave
her for younger women who didn't have any children. Realizing that
"I'm not getting any younger," she said yes to the first marriage
proposal she received. Jack is fairly good looking, a nice guy and
owns a stereo shop. There's only one problem: he's not the brainy type
like Phil. Susan misses the deep philosophical discussions she shared
with her first husband. Jack only likes to talk about electronics,
cars and sports, all of which bore Susan. A mistake has been made,
caused by overcompensating.
Charlie is a 27 year old photographer accustomed to working with
physically attractive women. Not wanting to "fish off the company
pier," he searched for his dates elsewhere. Charlie initially only
dated beautiful women but got tired of standing in line for occasional
dates with "prima donnas". He started dating Mary, who is average
looking and a sweet and loving woman. Charlie kept telling himself
what a wonderful woman Mary was and how lucky he was to have her. All
of his friends told him he'd be a fool to let her get away. Finally,
after six months, he tied the marital knot. Now that he's married,
Charlie finds himself fantasizing about the models he meets at work
while making love to Mary. Their lovemaking is down to once a week and
mostly out of a sense of obligation. Charlie keeps thinking that he is
fortunate to have Mary, but his body just isn't responding. If your
expectations are realistic, in time you will find someone right for
you. Just be patient and stick to your guns. Don't make the mistake of
lowering your expectations and settling for someone who won't meet
your needs. Try to keep two things in mind:
1. Don't expect people to change. For some reason, men and women
delude themselves into thinking that whatever shortcomings
their partners have will disappear after marriage. They
seldom do. Get involved with people who meet enough of your
expectations to satisfy you. Don't think that love,
encouragement, criticism, anger or nagging will change them.
Accept people as they are or move on to someone else.
2. Trust your feelings. Don't argue with yourself and try to
convince your body or mind to be turned on to someone you
think you should find attractive. Physical and emotional
attraction are primarily subconscious decisions. You have
little volitional control over your romantic tastes and
desires. You may find yourself madly in love with someone who
is almost the complete opposite of what you think is
desirable. On the other hand, you may meet someone who seems
to meet the basic requirements you have but feel apathetic.
Your heart has "reasons" that your mind may not understand.
What do you do if your expectations are unrealistically high?
There are several options:
1. Lower your expectations. This is more easily said than done.
The first step is to honestly face the fact that you probably
are never going to get the kind of person you desire. Feeling
the truth, rather than knowing it intellectually, will enable
you to let go of your unrealistic expectations. Be patient
with yourself. Give yourself time to absorb all of this. In a
month or two, re-do the exercise in this chapter. Hopefully,
you will find that your expectations have been lowered.
2. Eliminate any expectations that are non-essential. What do
you have to have from your future mate in order to be happy?
Hal, a 55 year old dentist, put it this way: "I'm looking for
a lady whom I can love and who will love me. The rest is
negotiable."
3. Increase your attractiveness to the opposite sex. This is the
subject of the chapter entitled "Looking Good".
4. Get your life working well in other areas while you're
waiting for a loving relationship. If you're happily single,
you won't be in a hurry. See the chapter entitled "Surviving
As A Single".
5. Be like Avis and try harder. If you put more time, energy,
money, feeling and intelligence into meeting people, you will
succeed where others fail. The next chapter tells you how.
------------------------
PLAYING THE NUMBERS GAME
------------------------
Most singles find themselves on the horns of a dilemma: Do I wait
months, even years, for the right person or do I take what I can find
right now? Fortunately, there is a way to avoid both extremes. Learn
how to play the Numbers Game.
The secret to winning this game is to meet a large enough number
of prospects so that one of them is likely to be right for you. A
prospect is someone of the opposite sex who is single, available for a
loving relationship, and lives reasonably close to you.
Unfortunately, most people lose at the Numbers Game. They meet
small numbers of prospects each year and wonder why they never find
the right person. They end up by themselves, lonely and depressed.
Most singles could easily double or triple the number of prospects
they meet each year and correspondingly double or triple their chances
of finding the right person. There are two cardinal rules for
successfully playing the Numbers Game. Before turning to these rules,
let's first look at where many singles do meet.
Simenauer & Carroll surveyed 3000 singles for their book, Singles:
The New Americans. They report that one third of singles meet their
romantic partners through friends. Apparently the classic blind date
is still effective. As a first step towards meeting someone special,
spread the word to your friends and relatives that you are looking.
Hopefully they will invite you to dinners, parties, etc., where you
can meet all of their single friends. Be aware, however, that most of
them will not attract you if you are a selective person.
College students have the best chance of meeting a romantic
partner through a friend. Professional people, who are most likely to
have moved away from home or otherwise lost contact with their high
school or college social set, have the least chance of being
introduced to the right person.
Unfortunately, many singles hate blind dates. They feel their
friends have a bizarre concept of what turns them on.
MEETING PEOPLE AT WORK
Simenauer & Carroll report that one-tenth of singles meet their
partners at work. There are many advantages to meeting people in a
business setting:
1. Meeting them is almost automatic. You don't have to be
forward in order to introduce yourself to your fellow
workers, superiors, clients or customers.
2. Usually you see the same people repeatedly. The relationship
has time to grow gradually. You don't have to start dating
someone until after you know enough to be sure that a good
relationship is possible.
3. People are often very attractive at work because they are
doing something that demonstrates their talents and
abilities. You are also likely to be more attractive when you
are performing a job for which you are well suited.
4. Usually there is a feeling of camaraderie and togetherness at
offices or businesses that brings people together almost
effortlessly.
Be aware of the hazards of meeting people at work, however. Amanda
is a 27 year old stenographer. "I fell in love with a guy in the
office and lived to regret it. After we broke up, there was a horrible
atmosphere in the office. Half the people were on Roger's side and
half on mine. You can't easily disengage yourself from someone you
have to see each day. It took a long time for us to even become semi-
friends again."
Another problem with dating people at work is the lack of privacy.
No matter how discreet you are, somebody always finds out. Then the
gossip begins. Serious problems can arise if you date your boss or one
of your subordinates. Cries of favoritism and petty jealousies almost
invariably follow.
If you're not meeting the right person at work or through friends,
it's incumbent upon you to search elsewhere. There are two simple
rules to help you win the Numbers Game. If you're a typical single,
the chances are that you're consistently violating one or more of
them.
RULE 1: GET OUT OF THE HOUSE
It's amazing how many people violate this rule. The only time they
regularly leave the house is to go to work. That's fine if there are
numerous prospects at the office but most people are not so lucky.
Many singles fail to meet the right person at work, stay home almost
seven nights a week, and yet can't understand why they never meet
anybody special.
Women in particular are guilty of violating this rule and for good
reason: they are more vulnerable than men at night. Both men and women
complain about the cost of going out. And even if they have the money,
they don't have the energy. It's tough to work full time, eat dinner
and then go out searching for someone special.
These are all good excuses, but they won't help you find the
loving relationship you want. You aren't going to meet anyone by
watching television each night. Getting out of the house regularly is
an indispensable first step for winning the Numbers Game.
Let's assume that inspired by this book, you're constantly out
socializing. Your television becomes covered with cobwebs from lack of
use and your children start calling the babysitter mommy. Does this
guarantee that you will meet the right person? Unfortunately, the
answer is no. Forget about Rule 1, Get Out Of The House, unless you
are willing to obey the next rule. What's the use of braving the
elements, paying for babysitters, subjecting yourself to the dangers
of murder, rape, mugging and getting hit by a truck? All that
sacrifice is a complete waste unless you succeed in meeting someone
special. This is only likely to happen if you're willing to follow the
next rule.
RULE 2: GO WHERE THE DUCKS ARE
If you were a duck hunter, you wouldn't go inside a movie theater
to shoot ducks. You might have to drive many miles away to an
appropriate rural setting where ducks congregate. The same holds true
for romance. Find out where the ducks (prospects for a loving
relationship) are and go there!
Unfortunately, most singles go where the ducks aren't. For
example, they visit their friends. This is great if your friends have
loads of visitors who are prospects for you. But usually this isn't
the case. If you want to meet prospects, you need to go where there
are plenty of strangers, not friends. This goes against the grain
because we are far less comfortable with strangers. Remember, though,
that it is also uncomfortable to be lonely the rest of your life.
Besides the mistake of only visiting friends, the other frequent
error is only going to places where there are people of your sex.
Let's face it. Men usually feel most comfortable around other men and
prefer to do "masculine" things. Most women likewise would rather get
together "with the girls" and do "feminine" activities. There are
major differences between what men and women traditionally do in their
leisure time. If you don't believe that, count the number of women
playing basketball in the local gym or the number of men in a sewing
circle. To find out how well you are observing Rule 2, do the
following exercise.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EXERCISE
Make a list of all the places you went to in the last 30 days for
social reasons. Next to each place, write an estimate of the number of
ducks (single people of the opposite sex) whom you didn't know that
attended the social event. If your problem is that you attended events
where there were no ducks (or very few), decide to attend at least one
event per week which is loaded with ducks until you meet someone
special. The crucial question, of course, is where are all the ducks?
To find out the answer, ask people of the opposite sex where they
"hang out" for fun. Tell your relatives, neighbors, fellow employees,
etc., the kind of person you want to meet and ask them to suggest some
places to go searching.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
WHERE ARE ALL THE WOMEN?
When I lecture to men, I usually suggest taking an aerobics class
(also known as dancercise, jazzercize, etc.). If you go to an aerobics
class, you will usually find at least 10 women for every man. I hasten
to add, however, that there is a catch. I took an aerobics class and
was a little cocky when I walked into the room. I appeared to be in
better shape than most of the members of the class. I figured that
this would be a snap! I'd run circles around these women. Twenty-five
minutes later my muscles started to cramp up--muscles I never even
knew I had. Five minutes after that the pain became severe. Now it was
a matter of pride for me. I wasn't going to say uncle when I could see
"out-of-shape" women persevering. Five minutes later I collapsed in an
agony of muscular spasms. I finally discovered why some say that women
are the stronger sex. So men, beware.
Another place loaded with ducks is folk dancing: Greek, Israeli,
Balkan style. Women often love folk dancing; most men don't. Todd is a
45 year old attorney. "I used to want to be part of the disco crowd
but never had the nerve. There were too many guys to compete against.
Besides, I couldn't stand the ear-shattering music. One night, I went
out folk dancing and was shocked by the contrast. There were three
women for every man! The music was beautiful and the noise level was
just right. A shy guy like me had no trouble finding someone to dance
with because all the dances were in long lines. Over a year I dated
women from the folk dancing almost exclusively. Eventually I wound up
being in a committed relationship with Gloria. Now we still go out
folk dancing, but as a couple."
WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN?
If you're a woman looking for prospects, you don't want to take an
aerobics class or go folk dancing. Where do you go? One obvious place
is a singles bar which usually has a surplus of men. Another activity
is sports. While most men love sports, most women are not interested
in athletic competition. You can have all those healthy hunks for
yourself.
I mentioned basketball before. If you went to the local gym some
evening, you probably would be the only woman there. Unless you're
over five foot seven, though, you might get trampled. Perhaps a more
realistic suggestion is volleyball. I started a singles volleyball
club a few years ago. Everybody had a great time but we had one
problem--a perennial shortage of women. Maybe they were all afraid of
breaking their nails.
Sue is a 19 year old student. "Antonia, my best friend, asked me
to join her softball team. She said it was a great way to meet guys. I
told her she was nuts. I've always been incompetent at sports. In
grammar school, I was always the last girl chosen on a team. The only
way Antonia got me down to the first practice session was by promising
me that I could drop out immediately if I wanted. I found out that I
wasn't as clumsy as I was in school. I even got a base hit! I was
really afraid of fielding because I wasn't very good at catching or
throwing the ball. The team captain said, "no sweat". He assigned me
to the outfield where nobody ever seems to hit the ball anyway. Now,
thanks to softball, I've got a fun activity each week, lots of new
friends, and a steady boyfriend."
Tennis was once a great suggestion for meeting men. Thanks to
Billie Jean King, though, there are almost as many women as there are
men on the courts today. Golf is much better. It's still primarily a
male sport.
One additional advantage to all sports, including racquet ball,
touch football, and many others, is that they are marvelous exercise.
You will find that keeping your body attractive is easier if you play
sports.
CLASSES
Call your local college, high school, or recreation department and
ask for a catalog of adult education classes. There are likely to be
dozens of choices, some of which should appeal to you. Many of them
will be loaded with ducks. If you're clever, you'll ask the adult ed
coordinator for advice. Which class has the most women? Which has the
most men?
Mary, a 33 year old legal secretary, always had a thing for guys
who looked like Arnold Schwarznegger. She took a weight lifting class
at the local college. Her girlfriends couldn't stop laughing. They
thought she had lost her marbles. They aren't laughing anymore. Mary
is going steady with a guy who makes Hercules look like a runt.
Roger is a 41 year old cable television installer. "I originally
took cooking classes because I love to cook. An unexpected bonus was
all the single women who hit on me. I didn't have to lift a finger to
meet them. I later found out that some of the guys in the class
couldn't care less about learning how to cook. They just wanted to
meet women."
CLUBS AND ORGANIZATIONS
There are countless clubs and organizations that are ideal for
meeting people. Find out which ones have the most prospects and join.
Irv is a 34 year old factory worker. "I've always been interested in
politics so I decided to campaign for Republican candidates.
Unfortunately, all the women at the campaign meetings were either
married or unattractive. I decided to check out the Democrats. After
all, everyone knows that whoever wins an election is probably going to
do a lousy job anyway. The Democratic women were a little liberal for
me, but who cares? They were single--and nice. Now I meet all kinds of
women at victory parties and campaigning door-to door."
Joining a political party isn't the only way to be politically
active. There are a lot of action and pressure groups. You can join
one that pushes rent control, ecology, better public transit, nuclear
arms control, cutting taxes, or fighting crime. The possibilities are
endless.
If you are apolitical, there are numerous other options. Turn to
the yellow pages of your telephone book and look under Clubs. As an
example, here are the listings in the San
Francisco Directory:
Alumni
Athletic
Backgammon
Benevolent Association
Boats
Bowling
Bridge
Chinese-American
Commercial
Conservation
Diners Out
Eagles
Elks
Engineers
Epicureans
Garden
German American
Golf
Indoor Sports
Irish
Islamic
Italian
Jazz
Jesters
Kiwanis
Lawyers
Lions
Marines
Motorcycle
Musical
Neighborhood
Old Timers
Optimists
Outdoors
Philippines
Police
Polish
Political
Press
Professional Women
Public Affairs
Puerto Rican
Rod & Gun
Rotary
Russian Center
Senior Citizens
Smooth Dancers
Soroptimists
Sports Car
Stock Exchange
Teamsters
Tennis
Transportation
Travel
Vintners
World Trade
Yacht
If these clubs don't provide enough choices, the Yellow Pages
suggest that you also look under the following headings:
Associations:
Athletic Organizations
Business & Trade Organizations
Chambers of Commerce
Consumer Protection Organizations
Fraternal Organizations
Fraternities & Sororities
Health Maintenance Organizations
Human Services Organizations
Labor Organizations
Political Organizations
Professional Organizations
Religious Organizations
Senior Citizens Service Organizations
Social Service & Welfare Organizations
Veterans & Military
Women's Organizations
Youth Organizations & Centers
Surely one or more of the multitude of clubs and organizations
listed in the telephone book might appeal to you. You may consider
volunteering to work for one. By so doing you will be performing a
public service and meeting many new people. Mariel is a 48 year old
divorcee. "I called my local Volunteer Bureau and wound up doing
office work once a week for the Heart Association. I really got off on
helping with a good cause, but the main thing was that I got to meet a
few attractive guys. I'm still dating one of them on a semi-steady
basis."
As in the case of adult education classes, don't waste your time
with clubs and organizations that don't have any prospects (unless the
other rewards make them worthwhile to you). Some organizations have
more ducks than others. Join them.
HUMAN POTENTIAL GROUPS
Since the sixties, large numbers of Americans have flocked to
encounter groups, awareness workshops, discussions, weekend retreats,
etc. An extremely high percentage of the people that attend these
human potential groups are single. Also, people who participate in
these activities have a tendency to be more sincere and open than
average. Since the emphasis in these groups is to provide a warm,
supportive environment for people to take risks, the prospects for
intimacy are higher than in almost any other kind of social
interaction.
Jerry is a 39 year old plumber. "I always shied away from
encounter groups because I figured everyone there would be all screwed
up. A buddy of mine suggested I sit in on his group one night. I found
out that the members didn't have any more (or any less) hangups than
anyone else. The big difference was that everyone there was fairly
open. A lot of the normal game-playing was missing. I got involved in
a great relationship because I first got to know her gradually in the
group.
MEETING PEOPLE AT HOME
Although usually staying home doesn't work, sometimes your home
can be the perfect place to meet people. It has the advantage of being
a place where you feel comfortable and safe. If you throw frequent
parties, coffee klatches, lunches, brunches and dinners, you may very
well meet an attractive person without stepping out the door. Also
consider organizing recitals, performances, lectures, discussion
groups, etc. in your home. You can make your home the party and
recreation center for the entire community!
Tim is a 38 year old paraplegic. "Going outside in a wheelchair
each night can be a drag. It's a lot easier if people come to me. I
organized a bridge club that meets free at my home each week. We have
lots of fun and I get to meet new people occasionally."
PARTIES
How do you throw a successful singles party? First, it's vital to
invite people you don't know well along with your close friends.
Otherwise it's highly unlikely that you'll make a new contact. One way
to do this is to hold a "pyramid" party where each of your invited
guests is asked to invite five additional people.
You may be reluctant to throw a party for any of a number of
reasons. One may be cost. Certainly a party can be expensive if you
hire a caterer, cook a lavish meal, or serve drinks. But a party need
not be costly to be successful. Here are three ways to keep your
expenses to a minimum.
1. Ask your guest to "bring your own bottle" (BYOB). This is
quite common, particularly if most of the guests are going to
be strangers. You provide the cups and ice; they provide the
booze or soft drinks.
2. Throw a Potluck Party. Assign your guests specific types of
food to bring. You can do this on an individual basis
(Charlie brings the apple strudel, Mary brings the wine, Alma
cooks the pork chops, etc.), or by last name (A - L bring the
salad; M - R bring a main dish; S - Z bring the dessert).
3. Provide inexpensive food (e.g., potato chips & dip, cheese &
crackers, celery & carrot sticks). You are usually not
expected to provide a meal to guests at an evening party.
Your pride may not allow you to follow the above suggestions ("I
don't want anyone to think I'm chintzy."). If that's the case, it may
be better to go to the expense of hiring a caterer than to cook the
meal yourself. If you're busy all night cooking and serving food (and
cleaning up afterwards), you won't have time to enjoy yourself. Worse
yet, you won't get a chance to connect with anyone, which is really
the purpose of the party.
One thing you may want to do is select a theme. There are all
kinds of good reasons or excuses for throwing a party. For example:
1. Housewarming parties, if you've just moved.
2. Birthday parties for yourself and friends.
3. Holiday parties, such as Christmas, New Years, Valentine's,
etc.
4. Seasonal parties, such as end of the summer, spring time,
etc.
5. Final divorce decree parties.
6. Astrology parties (each month is an opportunity to celebrate
a different sign of the zodiac).
WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEIGHBORS?
Have you considered the possibility that someone special may be
living in the apartment upstairs or the house down the street? How
well do you know your neighbors? It's amazing how many of us don't
even know the names of the people next door. Here are several
suggestions for tapping what may prove to be an excellent source of
romantic prospects.
1. Keep an eye out for new people moving into your apartment
complex or street. Offer to help carry a few things into the
house or to loan them light bulbs, coffee, sugar, etc. Do
this even if they're married or of your sex. They may later
introduce you to their attractive single friends or
relatives.
2. Introduce yourself to all of your neighbors if you haven't
already. You can do this casually the next time you see them
or make a point of knocking on all the doors of neighbors you
don't know and saying hello.
3. Invite your neighbors over for a cup of coffee or glass of
wine and say yes when they ask you to enter their homes.
You are particularly fortunate (or shrewd) if you live in a large
apartment complex populated predominantly by singles. Frequently these
complexes have swimming pools, recreation rooms, saunas, hot tubs, and
tennis courts, which are ideal for meeting people. Don't be a
stranger; become a part of the social life of your complex. Be on the
lookout for parties at the recreation room or neighbors' apartments
and make sure you get invited. If no one else is willing, take the
initiative and organize a "meet your neighbors party."
PICK-UPS
Are you aware of the thousands of singles you pass by each year
just in the course of your daily life? Supermarkets, banks,
laundromats, elevators, beaches, parks and even sidewalks can be
excellent places to meet people. Making contact with a stranger under
these circumstances is usually called a "pick-up". Surprisingly large
numbers of singles use this method. Simenauer & Carroll found that
two-thirds of men try pick-ups and one-third claim that a majority of
women they approach respond favorably. Three fourths of women say they
are willing to be picked up. The most likely type of woman to pick up
is between 25-34 years old, while the least likely is someone in her
early 20's. High income professional men are more likely to attempt a
pickup than their low-income counterparts.
Laurie is a 24 year old seamstress. "I admire guys who try to pick
me up. I know it takes some guts. As long as a guy isn't obnoxious, I
take it as a compliment. One time I saw a cute guy at a shoe store who
really turned me on. Normally I don't have the nerve but this guy was
too good to miss. I asked him if he thought the prices were reasonable
and we wound up getting into a long conversation for the rest of the
afternoon. We never did pick up any shoes. We picked each other up
instead."
Perry is a 36 year old podiatrist. "I was moving into a new
apartment one day and spotted a pretty girl watching me. I asked if
she wanted to help and surprise! She said yes. She did the work of
three guys from Bekins. I rewarded her a hundredfold the next few
months with dinners, shows and some wonderful times."
OTHER PLACES TO MEET PEOPLE
Simenauer & Carroll's survey revealed that approximately four out of
every ten single people meet someone attractive at either bars,
singles clubs or dating services. The next three chapters are devoted
to these options.
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LIFE ON THE MEAT RACK: HOW TO SURVIVE A SINGLES BAR
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"Singles bars are the pits" is a frequent refrain of single
people. Sweet and gentle women turn into raving banshees when the
topic comes up. Most singles fall into three categories: 1) those who
have never gone to singles bars; 2) those who stopped going because
they never met anyone "worthwhile"; and 3) those who go because they
can't think of anywhere better to meet people.
Why is there such universal distaste for bars? A good answer from
a male perspective is provided by Tom a 45 year old insurance
adjuster. "After I separated from my wife, I decided to go down to one
of the more notorious pick-up joints to see if the rules had changed.
After all, back in the days when I was still a callow fellow, there
was no such thing as women's lib. I figured that the new bar scene
would be liberated--the women would be putting the make on the guys.
Boy, was I wrong! Nothing had changed in 25 years.
"Immediately I noticed that segregation was still in effect. I'm
not talking about racial segregation--I mean sexual. All the guys were
lined up three deep at the bar. There were a few ladies at the
bar--very few. Ninety percent of the women were sitting at tables in
the dark corners of the room. I guess they were hiding out from all
the make-out artists. These women were as chicken as they were in my
early single days. They all had one or two bodyguards (friends) with
them to protect their virtue.
"Some of the guys weren't too cool--they would stare at the women
they found attractive. But they were the minority. Most of the guys
were secretly scanning the women out of the corners of their eyes.
They were putting on a great show of laughing and joking with their
buddies, but I knew what was really going on. They felt the same need
to score that I felt when I was a kid. Most of the guys handled the
pressure the same way I used to--they got bombed. It takes two or
three drinks before you're ready to take a chance. You know that all
the women at the tables are going to be engrossed in conversation. Why
is it that women in bars are always talking non-stop to girlfriends.
Don't they realize how difficult it is for a guy to intrude on a
conversation?
"The first guy I noticed make his move was all smiles, all
confidence. I couldn't hear what his line was, but whatever it was it
didn't work. She probably told him she was only there to listen to the
music.. How come so many women come down to a singles bar with
wall-to-wall men in order to listen to the music?
"The poor schmuck then had to make the long walk back to the bar,
convinced that all eyes in the place were on him in his moment of
humiliation. He made a good show of it when he got back to his
friends. He cracked a few jokes about 'stuck-up broads'. But I could
tell he was hurting--he didn't return to the fray until after another
drink.
"My heart went out to the guy. He had the guts to try again a few
more times and eventually wound up hitting on someone. Who knows?
Maybe he got lucky that night. What's sad is all the guys who
chickened out. They ordered one drink and then left. Others got
rejected a couple of times and decided to move on to greener pastures.
I was content to be the observer that night. I wasn't bloodied until
future engagements. Boy, do I hate singles bars!"
Judy is an attractive 22 year old, slim and blond. You'd think she
would do well in singles bars but she doesn't. Why does she go? "I get
bored on Saturday nights when I don't have a date. Who wants to watch
television when everyone else is having fun? I'll call up a friend or
two (or vice versa) and we'll get all decked out and go out on the
town.
"The best singles bars are the ones with the live bands. Even if
all you meet all night are jerks, at least the music is good. We
arrive early so we can find ourselves a table. We order drinks and
listen to the band tune up. Eventually the music starts and the place
starts filling up. A lot of guys are just standing around. I don't
know why they don't come up to our table. We're all fairly attractive
and are ready to boogie. Some nerd keeps eye-balling me--I know what's
on his mind. He'd better find somebody else.
"I can't believe that with all the guys in this place no one has
come up to our table. There are uglier girls than us on that dance
floor! We're having a nice time talking but we can do that at home.
Annette gets antsy and says she's gonna ask a guy to dance. I sure
envy her. She's not the kind to wait for things to happen. Me, I'm a
little conservative. I don't care what they say, most guys can't
handle an assertive woman. I let the guy come to me and if he's cute
and not too phony and makes a good living, then I'm available to get
to know him better.
"Some guy comes up and asks Barbara to dance. He's not much, but I
guess Barbara's desperate, so she goes out on the dance floor with
him. The guy's buddy comes over a minute later--what a creep! I tell
him "maybe later" and he walks off kind of dejectedly. I hate to hurt
his feelings but I can't stand beards.
"I can't believe that only one guy has come up to me so far. At
least I'm not fat like a lot of the ladies around here. Annette and
Barbara don't seem to be hitting it off with anyone so I suggest that
we move on across the street. On our way out a cute guy starts rapping
with me--where was he the last two hours? He wants to follow me out
but I've got my girlfriends to consider. I give him my number. I
wonder if he'll call me. Probably not. Those bastards all have wallets
full of numbers they never call."
People complain endlessly about the sordidness of bars, but one
positive feature should not be overlooked: they are loaded with single
people. Women complain that a majority of guys who go to bars are: 1)
married, 2) living with a woman, 3) from out of town, 4) looking for a
one night stand, 5) jerks, 6) alcoholics, or 7) all of the above. This
may be true, but it's also a fact that numerous attractive single men
go to bars looking for an intimate relationship. The other thing to
realize about singles bars is that they are the one place where the
rules of etiquette make it easiest to approach someone. The same
people who are aghast if you approach them on the street or in an
elevator are usually friendly in a bar. From the standpoint of
rejection, singles bars are probably the safest place to initiate
contact with someone of the opposite sex.
There are two kinds of singles bars: conversation bars and dance
bars (sometimes called discos). The difference between the two should
be fairly obvious. The music at conversation bars is not so loud as to
drown out people's voices. It seems as a pleasant backdrop for meeting
people. In dance bars the music clearly comes first. It may be rock,
it may be disco, but it's always loud. Conversation is limited to
those who are exceptionally keen of hearing and have powerful lungs.
Which type is best for meeting people? If your goal is more than
having fun and making casual contact with dance partners--if you
really want to get to know someone --go to a conversation bar. If you
prefer dance bars, be aware that there are two kinds: one has live
music, the other has records or tapes. If you have a choice, go to the
one with live music. The band takes a 15-20 minute break each hour,
during which conversation is possible. Many singles claim that with
the live music dance bar, you have the best of both worlds: great
music, the fun of dancing, and good conversation with interesting new
people.
One problem many singles have, particularly those from the Fred
Astaire-Ginger Rogers era, is how to dance to modern music. Some feel
very insecure on the dance floor during fast tunes because there
aren't any set steps like the fox trot, rhumba, or waltz. Many a
middle-aged single has asked, "How do I know if I'm doing it right?"
This is a foolish question because with rock or disco you literally
can't dance the wrong step. All you need to do is move to the beat and
try not to bump or hit anyone. The problem is that many singles are
inhibited and afraid of looking foolish. The way to get over this fear
is to study the dancers on the floor and try to find someone who
doesn't look ridiculous. This is an impossible task because to dance
to modern music is to appear foolish. So don't worry about it. Go out
on the dance floor and intentionally look stupid. People will
compliment you on how uninhibited and original you are!
Simon is a 19 year old college student. "Throughout high school, I
only danced the slow numbers. I never had the nerve to shake to the
fast music like everyone else. One night in the dorm I decided to see
if booze might loosen me up. I rarely drink so after two screwdrivers
I was snockered. I went out to the dance on campus and had the time of
my life. I must have thought I was John Travolta! All I had to do was
loosen up and move to the music and I was a hit."
Age is an important consideration. Check out the bars in your
community and find out the kind of music they feature. Contemporary
music, for example, is likely to attract a very young (18-35) crowd.
Organ music attracts middle aged and older singles. Style of clothing
can also be important. Observe what other people in the bar are
wearing and dress accordingly. Otherwise you may stand out like a sore
thumb and attract the wrong kind of attention.
What if you don't drink? There's nothing wrong with ordering soft
drinks or coffee. Rich is a 41 year old reformed alcoholic. "When I
gave up booze I figured that was the end of visits to bars. I'd have
to find another place to socialize. One night a friend insisted that I
accompany him to what used to be our favorite hangout. Charlie, the
bartender, welcomed me like a long-lost brother. 'Your usual, Rich?'
he asked. I answered 'Milk'. His jaw dropped but he served me with a
straight face. Later that night I had a few cups of coffee. I was
shocked to discover that I had a great time without alcohol to loosen
me up. Now I can meet people in any bar without booze and without
embarrassment. Sometimes I feel a little sinful and try something
stronger than milk, like club soda."
TIPS FOR WOMEN
What can a woman do to meet that special man in a bar?
1. Sit at the bar, not at a table in a dark corner. This makes
you accessible. Many more men will initiate contact with you
and you can afford to be more choosy.
2. Go by yourself. Your friends are protecting you from meeting
nice guys as well as losers.
3. Don't be naive and believe everything a man tells you. It's
true that men in bars frequently lie about their marital
status, love life, location, etc.
4. Initiate contact. Many women complain that the "good guys" at
the end of the bar are usually shy, while the ones who come
over and flirt are the jerks and make-out artists. This is
often true, but there's no law against walking over and
introducing yourself.
5. Learn to say no. If a guy is not your type, you're not doing
him a favor by tolerating him. Let him know that you'd prefer
talking to someone else. If the guy can't take no for an
answer and gets obnoxious, tell the bartender. If that
doesn't work, leave. Make sure he doesn't follow you into a
dark, deserted parking lot. If necessary, ask another guy in
the bar who is more gentlemanly to escort you to your car.
That's a good ice-breaker, by the way, for meeting that
shy, attractive guy at the end of the bar. He will be
flattered to be asked to be your knight in shining armor.
TIPS FOR MEN
What can a man do to meet the right woman in a singles bar?
1. Understand why women are often defensive in bars. They have
good reason to be. If a woman is hostile or unfriendly when
you approach her, don't take it personally. You may have been
preceded by some jerk. Another possibility is that she just
has a rotten disposition. In that case be glad you were
rejected.
2. Initiate contact with many women, not just one. Bill, a 27
year old software salesman, shared his technique for meeting
women at discos. "I have a rule that I have to dance with
five different attractive women and memorize their names.
Sometimes I'm lucky and the first five I ask all say yes.
Other times I have to ask ten or more. After dancing with
five attractive women, I have the luxury of choosing the one
who is the most attractive, or the most friendly, or
a combination of both. If we don't hit it off, I still have
four others to choose from."
3. If you find someone you like, try to pin her down on when you
will see her again. If you only take down her telephone
number, there is a good chance you'll never see her again.
Singles bars are not dens of iniquity, despite their reputation.
Be careful not to overgeneralize about the kind of people that go
there. The same people you meet at work, at church, on the beach, and
at parties are also likely to occasionally go to singles bars. Rather
than write off the most obvious place to meet singles, take a chance
and attend a bar. Many people have met their husband, wife or lover in
a bar.
--------------
SINGLES GROUPS
--------------
What could be easier than walking into a room of people gathered
because they're single and want to meet someone special? There are
literally thousands of singles groups throughout the United States.
Some are even international. They sponsor an incredible variety of
enjoyable activities. Some groups are specialized. They are devoted to
one activity, like ballroom dancing or skiing. Others sponsor a host
of activities, including parties, dances, dinners, picnics, sports,
lectures and discussions.
Surprisingly, only a small percentage of the population attends
singles groups. This is because of the widespread belief that only
losers go to these groups. This is an unfair generalization. Of
course, there are many losers at singles groups, but the same holds
true for almost any other place you can meet people. The only sure-
fire way to avoid losers is to stay home.
Another reason that people are reluctant to attend singles groups
is that they fear only "swingers" attend and activities end in orgies.
This image (to the chagrin of some members) is totally unfounded.
It's entertaining to listen to people at singles groups discuss
why they are there. Few admit to being lonely. They usually don't even
acknowledge that they hope to meet a person of the opposite sex. "I'm
here to meet people" is the standard reply, as if they value platonic
relationships as much as they do romantic ones. That's baloney. Most
people don't go to singles groups to form casual friendships, although
this is certainly a valued by-product. They are looking for love and
romance. They fear that they are the only ones, however, and that they
will scare people off if they come on too strongly.
Perhaps they're right. If you go to singles groups, by all means
play along with the games if you wish. You can pretend that you're
there because there's nothing on television that night. If you want to
have some fun, however, tell everyone you're there to fall in love.
Some people will look at you funny, but others will be favorably
impressed by your admitting to why most of them are there.
One common mistake people make is to go to a singles group once,
not meet anyone attractive, and never return. Several thousand
different people may attend a particular group over the course of a
year, but only a tiny percentage attend any one meeting. You need to
check a group out several times before making any firm conclusion
about the membership.
A further advantage to attending the same group several times is
that you begin to recognize people from previous meetings and feel
more comfortable. The first time attending a group can be scary. After
a while, however, you begin to feel part of the group and find it
easier to initiate contact. Others will feel more comfortable
approaching you as well.
The easiest way to meet people at a singles group is to volunteer
to help. There are numerous chores that need to be done: making the
coffee, tending bar, moving the furniture, cleaning up, publicity,
mailings, etc. In addition to volunteering for specific jobs, you may
also offer the use of your home for a party. Many groups schedule
infrequent social events because too few of the members are willing to
open up their homes to strangers. If you are unafraid, let people know
that your home is available.
Joining the board of directors of a singles group can also pay
off. You will become a "big cheese" and a member of the "in-crowd".
Heide is a 38 year old hairdresser. "I used to resent the clannishness
of my singles club. They were always laughing, easily made contact
with new people and never looked alone and forlorn in a corner. One
night they announced a need to replace a departing member of the
steering committee. I volunteered and immediately felt a part of the
action. Now I'm part of the inner circle and love it."
Joining a singles organization is usually easy and inexpensive.
Being placed on a mailing list is free or costs a few dollars. You
usually don't even have to join a club since many of their events are
open to the general public.
How do you find out about singles clubs in your community? The
easiest way is through your local church, which either sponsors a
singles group or can refer you to a church that does.
Virtually every Jewish Community Center sponsors activities for
singles. Likewise for Unitarian churches. Protestant churches of every
denomination usually have singles organizations, as do Mormons. Many
of these church groups are wide open to the public and have no
religious requirements. Even atheists are often welcome. The Unitarian
singles groups are particularly appropriate because Unitarians don't
have a set of dogmas. Theoretically anyone qualifies.
Parents Without Partners has chapters all over the United States.
To qualify for membership, you must be single and have a living son or
daughter. Custody of the child is not a requirement. PWP sponsors a
wide variety of events through the month. Some of these events are for
adults only, while others are for the entire family. For more
information, contact your local chapter or write to: PWP International
Headquarters, 7910 Woodmont Avenue, Washington, D.C. 20014.
Bachelors 'n Bachelorettes is a singles square dancing club with
chapters throughout the nation. Beginners are welcome (there are
instructors for that purpose). Again, you may contact your local
chapter. To find out about other singles clubs, call your local
newspaper or read the calendar section devoted to meetings of
organizations.
Below are positive and negative comments about singles groups. Roy
is a 28 year old sanitary worker. "I attend singles groups semi-
regularly (twice a month on the average) and have met many fine people
of both sexes. When I go, I don't expect to meet my 'true love'. I do
anticipate having a good time, however. Occasionally someone cute
comes along and I date her."
Irene is a 25 years old public relations consultant. "My one
experience at a singles group was a disaster. All these old farts
swooped down on me like I was a movie star or something. I'm not
interested in dating someone as old as my grandfather!"
Margaret is a 44 year old store clerk. "I love to dance so I
attend almost all the dances sponsored by local singles clubs. The
music is great and occasionally I wind up dating someone new."
Hank is a 37 year old fireman; Cindy is a 36 year old insurance
adjuster. "We met each other through a singles volleyball club."
Brian is a 48 year old dermatologist. "All the girls at singles
groups are fuglies (fat and ugly)."
Nancy is 39 years old and unemployed. "I was really shy the first
time I attended a singles group. It seemed to me that everyone was
cliquish and I was an outsider. I kept coming, however, because I was
going crazy staying at home. Now newcomers probably think that I'm
cliquish since I'm always in the middle of a group of friends at
singles events."
Ben is a 64 year old retired industrial engineer. "I get tired of
all the ladies bitching about how their ex-husbands 'done me wrong'. I
think most of them need to join therapy groups, not singles groups."
Noreen is a 40 year old artist and Lorenzo is a 40 year old
psychotherapist. "We met as members of the board of directors of our
singles club. One day we spent several hours recording tapes for a
dance sponsored by the club and before we knew it we fell in love."
Simenauer & Carroll discovered that 14% of men and 18% of women
meet most of their dates through singles clubs. The average person is
middle-aged, so don't expect to meet people in their twenties or early
thirties at most singles clubs, unless the group is athletic in nature
or is limited to people under 35.
---------------
DATING SERVICES
---------------
An alternative to non-profit singles groups are the professional
dating services. These range in price from free to hundreds of
dollars. As in the case of singles groups, you will run into all kinds
of single people, some winners and some losers.
COMPUTER DATING
This was the craze during the late sixties and early seventies.
Computer dating is still quite popular throughout the United States.
The procedure is to fill out a questionnaire describing your physical
appearance, personality, hobbies, interests, etc. and what you seek in
an ideal mate. Your political, religious and sexual attitudes are
often included also. The computer matches you with others whose
answers are compatible with yours.
Computer dating services are among the cheapest of dating
services. Often there is only a small monthly charge ($10.00 and up).
Because of the low cost, computer dating services often boast of large
memberships. You are usually given the first names, ages, towns and
telephone numbers of a list of people of the opposite sex.
Once you have that list, you are on your own. You can call as many
prospects on your list as you wish or be passive and wait for the
phone to ring. Some typical opinions of computer dating follow.
Marianne is a 38 year old systems analyst. "I have met several
nice men through the club. Nothing serious has developed as of yet but
I'm having a good time."
Otis is a 28 year old seeking employment. "I'm going steady with a
girl I met through telephone dating. I particularly liked the idea
that she called me originally and not the other way around."
Laverne is an 18 years old student. "Joining computer dating was
the worst thing I ever did! I felt like my phone number was on the
wall of every men's room in town. I got 18 to 19 calls a day until I
had my phone number changed."
Richard, a 48 year old attorney, had this experience: "I was very
disappointed. Many of the phone numbers I called were disconnected or
the ladies that answered were very defensive."
Tony, a 58 year old physical education teacher, had this to say
about computer dating: "I dated 5 girls via the computer. I am still
dating one of them."
Olivia is a 22 year old cocktail waitress. "I met my fiance
through computer dating. Was I surprised! I only did it as a lark."
Paul is a 27 year old house painter. "I think computer dating is a
rip-off. I dated two women through the service and both were
physically unattractive.
Rochelle is a 48 year old seeking employment. "I met a few losers
through computer dating "
CORRESPONDENCE CLUBS
These are also very inexpensive. You receive lists of singles
together with their addresses and photographs. It's up to you to
correspond through the mail with the people you want to meet. A major
criticism of these clubs is that the lists may be several years old.
PHOTO DATING
This is often more expensive than either telephone or computer
dating. However, being able to see what someone looks like before
going out may be worth the added expense (approximately $150).
Along with the photograph, there is a fact sheet that gives you
vital statistics about the person as well as other information such as
hobbies and interests.
Ron, a 50 year old cook, had this to say about photo dating: "I
was very pleased with some of the women I dated through the club. It
sure beat going out on blind dates through the computer."
Elaine is a 23 year old dental assistant. "I was disappointed that
people often didn't look that much like their photo. I guess if you
photograph Godzilla enough times, you'll get at least one good
snapshot."
VIDEO DATING
This process involves going through several photo albums full of
members. Next to the photo is a fact sheet, as with photo dating. Once
you have narrowed down your choices, you may request to see video
tapes of the people you like. Each tape is a five minute interview.
When you select someone for a date, you don't get their phone
number until after they've also had the chance to come down and read
your fact sheet and watch your videotape. On the other hand, if
someone selects you for a date, your phone number is kept confidential
until you've had the chance to check them out. Some differences from
photo dating are:
1. The cost is usually more.
2. You get a more accurate picture of how people look when you
see them continuously for five minutes (up close, far away,
from different camera angles).
3. You also can see their body language, poise, facial
expressions, gestures, etc.
4. You get to hear them talk about themselves also.
5. You don't have to worry about unattractive people calling
you, because your phone number is only given to people you
want to date.
6. You don't have to worry about rejection either, since the
only time you get to call someone is when they agree in
advance to go out with you.
7. Likewise you don't have to reject anyone since the only
people who get your phone number are those whom you find
attractive.
For women, video dating is a very safe way to meet men, since
rapists are unlikely to join a club where their videotape can be
turned over to the police. For men, it's a real treat since a good
percentage of the time the women initiate contact. The feeling of
safety and assurance that they won't be rejected encourages women to
be far more liberated and initiate contact.
Kirk, a 31 year old office manager, shared the following
experience. "Before I joined video dating, I had never been chosen by
a woman for a date. Needless to say I was delighted with all the
attractive women who selected me. Even when I found a woman to be
unattractive, I still was happy she chose me--it did a lot for my ego.
I also found that my shyness didn't work against me in video dating. I
wasn't afraid to call good looking women because I was promised in
advance they would say yes to going out with me."
Joline is a 30 year old architect. "I used to avoid asking guys
out before video dating. This has been a very liberating experience
for me. It's like walking into a candy store. It's mind-boggling to
have all those attractive men to choose from. I was guaranteed that
they were all single, local, had a steady job and were safe. I
wouldn't be caught dead approaching a man in a singles bar, but with
video dating, I was not inhibited in the slightest."
Barry is a 46 year old sheet metal worker. "I thought video dating
was a rip-off. All that money and I never did meet the right girl. For
the same price I could have gone to Hawaii for a vacation."
MATCHMAKING
While video and computer dating utilize the latest in modern
technology, the age-old art of matchmaking still flourishes in the
twentieth century. The matchmaker brings people together on the basis
of impressions and information gathered during interviews with
clients.
The main objection to matchmaking is that if you have a difficult
time figuring out who is right for you, how can another person, who
knows even less about your needs and taste, do better?
Sara, a 57 year old bank teller, had this to say about
matchmaking: "I met a fine gentleman through a matchmaker. It really
works! "
Donald is a 36 year old radio engineer. "I paid $400 for three
matches. None of the ladies were my type."
LUXURY SOCIAL CLUBS
These clubs profess to have the answer for those who like to party
but are leery of running into losers. Luxury social clubs claim to
have "high-quality clientele" (which usually means beautiful and
wealthy) and to provide pleasant surroundings (yachts, mansions, etc.)
for meeting them.
Ted, a 30 years old bus driver, shared the following experience
with a luxury social club. "I went to a few events but didn't see
anyone I found attractive."
Joan is a 35 years old reading specialist. "I asked for my money
back ($600) but didn't succeed in getting it."
CHOOSING THE RIGHT DATING SERVICE
Not all dating services are established or reputable. One high-
priced matchmaker/computer dating service that charged $500 went
bankrupt after the owner ran off to Mexico with all the money. He
didn't even pay his own employees. Another high-priced service ($1000)
is presently being investigated by the State Attorney General's Office
for possible fraud. Be sure to investigate all of the dating services
in your area before making up your mind on which one(s) to join.
Consider the following criteria:
1. Number of people in the service
2. Cost of membership
3. Duration of membership
4. Privileges of membership
5. Hidden or extra costs
6. Screening process of prospective members
7. Confidentiality
8. Amount of time they have been in the business
9. What the Better Business Bureau, news media, etc., have to
say about the dating service
10. What is guaranteed in writing, as opposed to verbal promises.
PERSONAL ADS
An alternative to dating services is placing personal ads. They
are prominently displayed in newspapers and magazines around the
country, although only 1% of singles find their partners this way.
Back in the sixties, only avante-garde, radical newspapers like the
Berkeley Barb accepted personal ads, but now even the most respectable
of papers solicit them.
Due to the law of supply and demand, women usually do better than
men when it comes to personal ads. Most women feel comfortable placing
an ad, so those that do receive numerous responses. Sometimes these
number in the hundreds! Women can often afford to be selective and
choose the cream of the crop. Mary, a 51 year old cosmetologist, has
dated several men through personal ads and gives the following
suggestions for women:
1. Never give your last name, address, or phone number in a
personal ad. Have the newspaper collect the responses for
you.
2. In your ad, say who you are and what you're looking for. Be
specific and honest. Otherwise you're wasting your time and
your money.
3. After reading all the responses, write to the guys who sound
most attractive. Include a current photo of yourself and
request one of him.
4. Meet the guy for the first time at a public place, like a
restaurant.
Alfred, 24 year old bookkeeper, expressed the following about
personal ads: "I have been very disappointed. I responded to several
ads but never got a response from any of the women. I guess they got
so many replies that they never got around to answering me."
Larry is a 27 year old weight lifting instructor: "I was surprised
by the volume of response to my ad--38 girls. I don't spend Saturday
nights alone anymore."
Susie is a 25 year old writer: "I met my husband through an ad I
placed in the local paper."
Karen is a 43 year old physician. "I've never dated the same man
twice from personal ads."
------------------------------
MAKING TIME FOR MEETING PEOPLE
------------------------------
You may want to go where the ducks are but feel that you don't
have the time or energy. There are three main reasons why you might
have difficulty: 1) you are a single parent; 2) you take care of aged
or invalid parents or relatives; 3) you are too busy making money.
Below are suggestions for dealing with these situations.
SINGLE PARENTS
Working full-time and raising one or more children can be a
nightmare, particularly if the children are very young. Single parents
have a tendency to go off the deep end and attempt to replace the
missing parent. This is impossible. Effective parenting is quite a
challenge even when you're splitting the responsibility with a spouse.
Unfortunately, divorced parents frequently feel guilty of depriving
their children of a "stable home" with two parents and, therefore,
overcompensate. Widowed parents may also feel obligated to substitute
for the missing parent.
If you're a single parent and suffer from this problem, you need
to realize several things:
1. Yes, it's sad that your children now only live with one
parent. As a general rule two parents can do a better job
than one. Your kids may suffer somewhat because of the loss
of one parent. On the other hand, it's better to live in a
happy home with one parent than an unhappy one with two.
Sadly, too many people stay in miserable marriages for the
children's sake. Children do not benefit from living in homes
where there is a great deal of frustration, hostility and
resentment.
2. To a large extent, your ability to be an effective parent
will depend on whether or not your own needs are met. If
you're unhappy, the odds are that your children will be also.
Unless you have some stimulation in your life, you're likely
to be depressed a great deal. This can be very contagious to
your kids.
3. Your children may feel frustrated, fearful, or resentful if
you frequently go out and leave them with the babysitter.
That's because they don't realize that it is definitely to
their advantage as well as yours to have your needs for
companionship and romance met. Otherwise your batteries will
run down and you may have nothing to give them except a
relationship with a lifeless shell. Don't allow your children
to run your life. For better or worse, you are in charge and
must make the decisions.
Maria is a 28 years old mother of two. "I tried to go out a few
times, but it got to be too much of a hassle. I was heartbroken to see
my children cry when I'd go out for the evening. They had already
suffered so much from the loss of their father (Maria is a widow).
Also it was humiliating to have a guy show up at my door and witness
the tantrums the kids would throw about my leaving. Finally, I just
stopped going out altogether.
"On one hand, it was very comfortable to stay home each night and
relax after a hard day's work. Gradually, however, I started feeling
so isolated and lonely. My kids were both under six so I couldn't
relate to them other than as a mommy. I was starved for adult
companionship.
"One day I sat down and had a long conversation with myself. I
faced up to the fact that I was very resentful towards my children for
keeping me a prisoner in my own home. Sometimes I actually hated them!
I was so ashamed. But then I realized that my children weren't to
blame--I was the culprit. Kids are by nature selfish and demanding.
It's up to the parents to draw the line and look out for themselves. I
was foolish to expect my kids to understand my needs.
"I'm dating at least once a week now and usually go out to
socialize at least one other night. The babysitting is expensive but
I'm willing to sacrifice other things that I used to think were more
important. I'm now much happier. I don't feel like I'm on an emotional
treadmill anymore. And, of course, as I should have been able to
predict, my kids are happier, too."
BABYSITTING
Finding a babysitter usually is one of the greatest problems
single parents have to face. Take advantage of the opportunity to
share babysitting responsibilities with other single parents. You can
find people with the same needs as yours in any neighborhood or at
work, school, or church. Singles clubs are full of single parents who
would be willing to trade babysitting nights with you.
Cooperative babysitting groups are a relatively new trend catching
fire. If there are no such groups in your community, why not start
one? All you need to do is spread the word to single parents about
your desire to organize such a group. You can easily do this by
placing notices on bulletin boards at work, supermarkets, or churches.
You can also insert free items in church or club newsletters. You
might call your local newspaper and tell them about the concept of
babysitting cooperatives. They might even do a story featuring your
efforts. That way you not only get your babysitting needs met but
become famous in the bargain!
A fringe benefit of sharing babysitting responsibilities with
other single parents is the emotional support you can provide one
another. No one can fully understand what you're going through except
other single parents. The opportunity to talk to someone who can
empathize with you is quite a blessing. Don't be afraid to ask for
more than babysitting support. Single parents will be happy to listen
to you with understanding as long as you're willing to do the same for
them.
Also, don't be afraid to ask for babysitting help from relatives.
Grandparents are usually a soft touch, while aunts, uncles, cousins,
godparents, former in-laws, etc., can often be persuaded also.
Your ex-spouse is another possibility. Women usually win custody
of the kids (sometimes after a vicious court battle) only to discover
that they lost: their ex-spouses go out and have all the fun while
they stay home to wash the diapers. If you're a single mother with
custody, consider the option of occasionally "unloading" the children
on their father. Try not to allow resentments to blind you to the fact
that in most cases your children will profit from more exposure to
their father.
Darlene is a 35 year old inventory-taker. "I fought hard to get
custody of the kids. Our divorce was a bitter struggle and I made sure
I won most of the battles. I was required to let Gary see the children
on Saturdays--but that was it. Gary was a rotten person, in my
opinion, and I wanted to limit his contact with my boys to the bare
minimum. I didn't want them to inherit his foul disposition and hang-
ups.
"Unfortunately, the child support was non-existent (Gary was
chronically out of work) so I couldn't afford to pay a babysitter. I
stayed home each night even though I was dying to get out of the house
and meet men.
"Gradually I got over my resentments toward Gary and began to
understand some of his problems and even feel sorry for him. He was
very lonely and missed the children deeply. I started to take
advantage of his free time by dropping off the kids once or twice a
week. He was delighted and the kids liked it, too. I must confess I
was a little jealous about that. I came to realize that Gary wasn't
such a bad guy after all and that he gave the boys things that I
couldn't. There was no way I could play the role of daddy as well as
he could. Now Gary and I are even friends. I wouldn't ever marry him
again--that would be a calamity! But I'm discovering that co-parenting
is great."
One option that many single parents overlook is the children
taking care of themselves. Joe is a 39 year old single father. "I was
always afraid to leave my kids alone. They're somewhat sneaky and I
was afraid they'd experiment with drugs, cigarettes, booze, and sex.
So I watched them like a hawk. Later on I found out that all my
efforts had been for naught. My girls (Mary is 14 and Charlene is 12)
had both had "hits" on marijuana at school but didn't like it. They
only did it so they wouldn't be called "chicken". They also had ample
opportunity to use other drugs, like speed, downers, and coke, not to
mention booze and sex. My kids just weren't interested. My policing
wouldn't have prevented them doing all the things I had nightmares
about.
"Now I go out any night I feel the desire and leave the girls
behind to take care of themselves. Maybe they smoke cigarettes behind
my back, but they can do that at school anyway. I call home frequently
to allay my fears, but I have fun anyway."
One of the great fears of hard-working single parents is that they
won't be able to give enough time to their children. It's important to
realize that children need quality time, not quantity. Studies have
compared working mothers with those who stay at home. No correlation
was found between effective parenting and whether or not the parent
worked. Working mothers were able to satisfy their children's needs
for love, guidance and security as effectively as those who were full-
time parents.
Another worry that plagues single mothers is whether or not any
man will ever be willing to marry them. Robert Weiss reveals in
Marital Separation that single mothers are just as likely to find
another husband as someone who never has had children.
AGED OR INVALID PARENTS AND RELATIVES
These can be even more of a burden than young children. This may
sound callous, but the tragic fact is that many single people feel
forced to take care of parents or siblings to the exclusion of their
own social needs.
Agnes is a 52 year old widow with no children. "My dad is 75 and
has been very dependent on me physically since his stroke last year.
If anything, his psychological dependence is even greater, since my
mom has been dead for four years. We'd get into such horrible fights
whenever I went out for the evening that I finally gave up and
abandoned my social life altogether. After developing an ulcer, I
decided to take my doctor's advice and go out and have a good time. I
hired the neighbor's teenager to watch over dad a couple of nights a
week while I went out and had a ball. Now I'm engaged to be married!"
Escaping from home is difficult for many single people who have
dependent loved ones. It must be done, however, and frequently. If you
find that guilt is preventing you from meeting someone special, tell
yourself the following over and over:
* I have a right to be happy.
* My needs are important too.
* I can't give what I don't have.
* No one has a right to demand that I live a miserable
life.
Once you emancipate yourself, you will be able to enjoy life. You
will also find that subconscious resentments towards your dependents
will disappear.
TOO BUSY MAKING MONEY?
Workaholism is a frequent problem among single people. Work
enables you to escape the fear, loneliness and boredom that often
plague singles. Unfortunately, it doesn't help you get your romantic
needs met.
It's important to get your priorities straight. What is more
important: to have a great deal of money or meet a special person? If
you answer the former, the obvious question is, "How much fun will I
have spending all that money on myself?" Most of us enjoy doing things
with others more than by ourselves. The joys of travel, movies, fine
restaurants, concerts, camping, hiking, etc., are usually enhanced by
company. If you find that you're spending so much time on your
business or profession that your social life is suffering, do the
following exercise.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EXERCISE
1. What is the minimum amount of money you must earn to be
happy? $______
2. How many hours can you cut from your work schedule and still
earn that amount? ______
3. Rearrange your schedule so you are working a minimum number
of hours and socializing the maximum amount of time. You may
have to change the hours of operation of your business or
profession or come in late once a week. Another possibility
is to work overtime a few days to free yourself on others.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If you can't cut your hours and earn enough money, there are other
options. For example:
1. Delegate responsibilities to subordinates. Most
"indispensable people find that they are deluding themselves
if they put it to a sincere test. Sidney is a 59 year old car
dealer. "I put in 70 hour weeks for many years. With car
dealers going under right and left, I didn't think I could
afford to go out and have fun. Then I had a heart attack and
was hospitalized. While I was gone, sales were almost as high
as when I was running the show. I lost some money lying on my
back while others ran the store, but we still were in the
black. Now I still have a tendency to work too hard but I'm
taking my doctor's advice most of the time. I take it easy
more often and I also find the time to go out and party
occasionally."
2. Subcontract some of your work. Arnie is a 40 year old general
contractor. "I'm a jack of all trades. I do excellent work
and am very efficient. By doing almost all of the electrical,
plumbing and carpentry myself, I made good money. One summer
I spent a week in Mexico City. Everything was beautiful and
fascinating but I was very disappointed. I realized something
was missing--a woman to share all this. I made a resolution
never again to go alone on a vacation.
"When I got back home I started hiring people to do some of
the work. I lost some money in the beginning and went through
a few subcontractors. Then I found a guy who was talented,
versatile, hard-working, dependable and worked cheap. He was
a gold mine. Now I subcontract a good part of my business and
have plenty of time to date. And I'm still making good
money."
3. Buy labor-saving equipment. Barbara is a 42 year old
newspaper editor. "Ours is a small town paper, so we operate
on a shoestring budget. We can't afford to buy all the fancy
hardware that the big city papers have. I found that I was
working myself to death and didn't have time to meet men
socially. The solution was to buy an old Dictaphone. I got it
for next to nothing I found that I could dictate feature
stories a lot faster than I could type them. I hired an 18
year old college student to transcribe the stories. This
enabled me to go home a little earlier once or twice a week.
I was able to eat dinner, relax, and then go out and mingle.
That's all it took for me to meet Ollie." (Ollie is Barbara's
husband.)
------------------
INITIATING CONTACT
--------------
Don is a 47 year old graphic artist. "I see all kinds of
attractive women--on the subway, in bars, jogging in the park. The
trouble is that they never say Hi to me and I'm too scared to approach
them."
Sally is a 24 year old stewardess. "Why is it that guys are so
shy?" she complains. "If I go to a bar dressed to kill, obviously I'm
there to meet guys. So what's so scary about saying hello? I don't
bite."
Don and Sally are in the same predicament: they violate the third
and most important rule of the Numbers Game: Initiate Contact. They
and millions of other singles are like ships passing in the night. Who
knows how many beautiful relationships have never taken place because
both people were afraid to make the first move?
The $64,000 question, of course, is "Who should initiate contact?"
According to Ethel, a 63 year old school teacher, "It's up to the men
to initiate contact. It's a man's world and it's their responsibility
to get the ball rolling." Ed, a 51 year old draftsman, disagrees.
"What about all this talk of women's liberation. I'm tired of putting
my ego on the line. Why can't women take the first step? They need us
as much as we need them."
Ethel and Ed are doing what President Truman always promised to
avoid: passing the buck. They are giving others the responsibility for
meeting their needs. This is great if you can find somebody willing to
do it. But most of us are not so lucky. The answer to the question of
who should initiate contact is YOU. Don't depend on others to come up
to you --they probably are just as afraid of rejection as you are.
Remember this equation: One Shy Man + One Shy Woman = No Contact and
No Relationship.
Many women refuse to initiate contact because they are convinced
that "men don't like forward women." My interviews and conversations
with hundreds of single men suggest the complete opposite: most men
are quite flattered when women approach them. Simenauer & Carrol's
survey confirmed this observation. They found that two-thirds of men
think it's all right for women to ask men out for a date.
Sam, a 43 year old construction worker, is typical of many single
men. "I've never had a woman approach me but if it happened I think it
would be great--unless I had a heart attack from the surprise." Joe is
a 29 year old law student. "Girls ask me out every once in a while. I
think it's wonderful."
Why do women think that men don't appreciate forward women? I've
asked this question many times and the response is usually the same:
"I once asked a guy to dance and he said no. So you see, men don't
like assertive women! " What many women don't realize is that the
average man doesn't find the average woman to be attractive. Men are
just as selective as women are. If they occasionally turn down a woman
who approaches them, it doesn't necessarily mean they are against
forward women.
Often the biggest hurdle on the road to a loving relationship is
shyness. According to Arthur Wassmer, in his book Making Contact,
"Shyness may be at once the most widespread and the least noticed
psychological problem of Americans today.... As research has
indicated, 40% or more of us experience shyness as a serious problem
in our daily lives."
Jim is a good example. At social events, he goes to great lengths
to stay away from people. When he crosses a room he walks around
individuals or groups for fear of being drawn into conversation. He
also avoids people's eyes. That way they're less likely to come over
and talk to him. If he accidentally makes eye contact with someone, he
quickly turns away.
No matter how much his feet hurt, Jim prefers to stand. That way
he's less likely to be cornered. When he does sit down, he never
shares a sofa, preferring his own chair. He sits as far away from
people as possible and likes to have a coffee table in front of him.
Jim's body language is that of a fearful, closed person. When
conversing, he crosses his arms and legs. He keeps his shoulders
hunched and his head pointed down. When he talks, he looks away from
people. He also avoids touching them like the plague. He limits
physical contact to the beginning and end of a conversation and only
if the other person initiates things. He never goes beyond a
perfunctory handshake. He only allows contact with his fingers, never
his palm. His handshake is limp and quick.
When people speak to him, Jim seldom nods in agreement or shakes
his head in disagreement. He usually keeps his head rigidly in place.
He also keeps a deadpan expression on his face. He usually doesn't
smile, frown, wink or raise his eyebrows at anyone.
Jim is typical of millions of shy singles who seldom make good
contact with attractive people of the opposite sex. If you share Jim's
problem, make a strong effort to practice the following suggestions.
1. Stay close to people physically. If you walk into a bar or
party, sit or stand where most of the other people are.
Whenever you walk around a room, pass as closely as you can
to people without bumping into them. (On the other hand,
intentionally bumping into people may be a good way to meet
them. Just be gentle .)
2. Ask people to sit down with you if you are conversing for
more than a few minutes. That way you can both relax and feel
comfortable. Sit together as closely as possible (without
crowding one another). Try to remove barriers between you
such as coffee tables or other people.
3. Stand tall with your head up. If necessary, pretend that
you're General Patton: be a little arrogant and even swagger
when you walk into a room. Sometimes exaggerated behavior
such as this can help break old, established patterns.
4. Sit or stand with an open posture. Keep your arms and legs
uncrossed.
5. Lean towards people when they talk to you. This shows
interest in what they're saying. Leaning back in your chair
may come across as disapproval, boredom or disinterest.
6. Maintain eye contact as much as possible, without staring. It
isn't possible to simultaneously watch both of a person's
eyes, so pick one. If you feel uncomfortable looking at an
eye, then focus on an ear or forehead. As long as you're
looking somewhere on a person's face, it appears that you're
looking them in the eye.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EXERCISE
Ask a friend to help you learn how to maintain eye contact. Sit
across from each other and look each other in the eye for two minutes.
Both of you should keep silent during this exercise.
A variation is to take turns giving a monologue (one person does
all the talking) for a specific length of time. The other person just
listens, making sure to maintain eye contact.
You may find that you can't look someone in the eye for long
without bursting into laughter. Laughing is a normal, nervous
reaction, so don't give up. Keep practicing until you can maintain eye
contact without laughing.
Practice both variations of this exercise frequently. Gradually
increase the amount of time so that you can maintain steady eye
contact for at least ten minutes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
7. When conversing, use frequent head gestures. Nod when you
agree and shake your head when you disagree. This lets others
know your reaction to what they're saying. Nodding your head
doesn't necessarily mean you agree with them. You are only
indicating that you are following their comments closely and
are interested.
8. Remember to use facial expressions. A smile can indicate that
you feel happy, safe, or find someone attractive. It also
indicates that you're open to meeting people. The most
important thing to remember about smiling is that it probably
makes you look more attractive. That's why photographers go
to such lengths to get you to smile.
A frown can also be helpful, as long as it isn't your
standard expression. A quizzical look communicates that you
don't understand something. There are many other facial
expressions that are also helpful in communicating your
thoughts and feelings.
Women are often taught to avoid facial expressions for fear
of wrinkles. Living a controlled, unemotional life is a heavy
price to pay for preserving a youthful face. Proper skin care
should enable you to look attractive and still have an
expressive face.
9. Observe a mime the next time you have a chance. Notice how
much can be communicated by posture, movement, gestures and
facial expressions. Start watching yourself and notice your
body language. Don't make the mistake of having your words
say that you're friendly and want to meet people while your
body expresses the opposite.
10. Reach out and touch someone, as the commercial goes.
Handshakes are the easiest form of physical contact. Grasp
the other person's entire hand (not just the fingers) and
shake firmly (without overdoing it). Some people,
particularly women, will only give you their fingers to
grasp. You can be satisfied with this or jokingly complain
that they are being stingy and should give you their entire
hand.
If it feels comfortable, use both your hands simultaneously
to shake one of theirs. Putting your arm around people or
touching them gently on the knee or arm are also beneficial.
Just be sure to observe if they are comfortable with the
physical intimacy. Men, in particular, need to be careful to
avoid offending a woman by touching her before she feels safe
and comfortable. Women should be equally cautious. If a man
has sex on his mind, touching him may encourage more
forwardness than you would like.
ETIQUETTE
You may fear that initiating contact is contrary to one of the
rules of etiquette: Don't approach strangers. Certainly there is some
validity to this fear. Earlier in the twentieth century, it was
considered impolite to approach strangers except to ask directions or
the time of day. "Gentlemen" and "ladies" were properly introduced;
otherwise they didn't speak to each other. In polite society, you
handed people your "card". Fortunately those days are over. It has
become more socially acceptable to initiate contact and not just at
social events. To overcome your resistance to initiating contact, you
need to confront three fears:
1. The fear of scaring someone. When you approach strangers,
they have no way of knowing whether you are friendly or
intend to rob, assault, rape or murder them. One way to
minimize this fear is to meet people during daytime hours and
where there are other people around. Approaching someone in a
dark alley or on a secluded mountain path are guaranteed to
freak them out.
2. The fear of intruding. People lying out in the sun, reading a
book or magazine, or engaged in some other enjoyable activity
may not want you to interrupt. It's not that they don't find
you attractive; they just don't want to be bothered at that
particular moment. Unfortunately, it's often difficult to
tell whether people are engrossed in what they're doing or
are bored out of their minds. You just have to take your
chances on intruding or miss out on countless opportunities
to meet attractive people.
3. The fear of negative labels. Men worry about being regarded
as jerks or make-out artists if they initiate contact. Women
worry about being labeled as "loose" or "on the make". The
only way to avoid these negative labels is to stop initiating
contact altogether. Otherwise, the price for meeting
attractive people is taking this risk.
Women are usually more reluctant to initiate contact than men.
Ironically, they have less to fear. Women don't have to worry about
scaring men, who normally are larger and stronger. There are some very
shy or timid men who are easily intimidated, but they are a tiny
minority. Most men feel flattered when women approach them. Even if
they're engrossed in a pleasant activity, they welcome the intrusion!
It's important for both men and women to realize that there's one
kind of stranger who will be delighted to have you initiate contact.
This is the person looking for a loving relationship with someone just
like you. You have no way of knowing in advance who this person is.
The only way to avoid missing a golden opportunity is to approach
everyone you find attractive. Of course, there are going to be times
when you don't have the time, energy, or inclination to initiate
contact. Certainly you have the right to let some opportunities pass.
But don't let this happen too often. If you're a selective single,
there may not be that many chances, so make sure you take advantage of
most of them.
OPENING LINES
Do you fantasize that if you only had the perfect opening line
(like they do in the movies), you'd never have to face rejection? I've
seen ads for a book by Eric Webber called 100 Best Opening Lines.
Without even reading it, I would be willing to bet that all 100 lines
in the book work. The reason is that all lines work--some of the time.
When lecturing on the topic of initiating contact, my favorite
suggestion is to say, "Hi, I'm a jerk." The audience gets a big kick
out of it and they also get the point--that any line is better than no
line at all. The only thing that doesn't work is silence.
The best line I've ever heard was delivered by a friend one night
in a disco. Randy was wearing a tank top, shabby cutoffs, and filthy
sneakers. He hadn't showered or shaved that day, either. We both
spotted a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. A steady succession of
guys noticed her, fell in love (or lust) and walked over to ask her to
dance. All of them were rejected.
Randy nudged me and said he was going to dance with her. I told
him that he was crazy. Why would a beautiful woman dance with him when
she was turning down neat, well-dressed, handsome men? Randy wouldn't
listen. He walked over to the bar, spoke to her for a few seconds, and
led her to the dance floor. I was flabbergasted. This had to be the
greatest line in history.
Half an hour later, Randy rejoined me at our table. I asked, "How
much did you pay her?" He answered, "I asked her if she would dance
with an ugly man. She looked a little embarrassed but danced with me
anyway. Later, when we returned to the bar, she asked me if I really
thought I was ugly. I answered, 'Hell, no, but I had to get you off
the damn stool, didn't I?"'
Randy had an outlandish, clever line that worked, but you really
don't have to be creative. Simple lines work, too. One favorite with
women is, "How are you doing?" There's nothing spectacular about it,
but it isn't overly cute either. It has two main advantages. First,
it's an easy question. She's almost certain to respond, which gets the
conversation going. Second, it's safe, non-threatening and puts her at
ease.
While any line can work, the best ones are spontaneous and tailor-
made for the person you want to meet. Watch people closely and you may
see something noteworthy. Some of the things to look for are:
1. How do they appear to feel? Opening lines: "You look sad" or
"happy" or "angry" or "excited" or "bored".
2. How are they dressed? Opening lines: "You're dressed
beautifully." "Do you always dress so colorfully?" "I'd never
have the nerve to try to coordinate so many colors." "Your shoes
look so comfortable."
3. What are they drinking? Opening lines: "Is that a margarita?" "I
like daiquiris, too." "I always feel dumb ordering Perrier."
4. What physical features stand out? Opening lines: "Your hair is so
long." "Your eyes are lovely." "My, but you're tall."
Situations provide grand opportunities for opening lines.
"That woman you were talking to seemed stuck-up."
"I think the music's too loud."
"This place is too cold."
"I enjoyed the sermon."
"Do you know the name of this group?"
"Do these meetings happen every week?"
"Are there ever any shark attacks on this beach?"
"Does your dog always have this much energy?"
"Will this line ever start moving again?"
Talking about yourself also works well.
"I hate singles bars."
"I'm sure glad this is Friday."
"I hope I don't get sunburned."
Offering to help someone is also a great way to make contact.
Whenever you see an attractive person of the opposite sex who needs
help, volunteer your services. For example, if someone in a store has
a quizzical look, offer to help. Do the same when you see someone
overburdened with packages or trying to open a door. This advice
applies as much to women as men. There's no reason why they can't help
men carry packages, wash cars, etc.
OPENING LINES THAT WORK
Arrogant lines
Clever lines
Corny lines
Dumb lines
Funny lines
Honest, sincere lines
Humble lines
Lies
Original lines
Outlandish lines
Silly lines
OPENING LINES THAT DON'T WORK
THE NERVOUS WRECK
As a general rule, self-confidence is an attractive quality to
both sexes. Ideally you approach each new person with a demeanor that
suggests that you know that you're attractive. Does that mean that you
shouldn't initiate contact if you have low self-esteem? Fortunately,
the answer is no. Many men and women actually prefer the self-
conscious type. Others who are more attracted to the self-confident
still will admire your courage in approaching them, particularly if
you're a bit tongue-tied. Many will also appreciate your
vulnerability. Showing your weaknesses, fears, and imperfections can
be endearing to many people. They get sick of all the phonies who
swagger and pretend to have their act together. An unpretentious,
genuine person may be a refreshing change of pace from all the suave,
sophisticated, conceited smoothies.
SUPERFICIAL CONTACT
Many singles looking for real contact are afraid of getting
involved in meaningless chatter. They deride the futility of meeting
people at parties, dances, singles groups, and bars since "everyone is
so phony" and "nothing significant is ever said."
If you share this attitude, you may have unrealistic expectations.
Of course, initial contact between strangers is likely to be
superficial. Do you expect people to spill their guts out to you in
the first four minutes? Good rapport and stimulating conversation take
time to develop. Don't expect people to immediately discover what
excites you or makes you laugh. If you find small talk to be boring or
distasteful, look upon it as paying your dues. Non-memorable
conversations are the price you pay for meeting people. Your
alternative is to avoid contact with strangers and risk never meeting
that special person you desire.
---------------------------------
OVERECOMING THE FEAR OF REJECTION
---------------------------------
Knowing how to initiate contact isn't enough. You have to do it.
What holds most people back is an almost universal fear--the fear of
rejection.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EXERCISE
1. Write down all the physical characteristics (face, hair,
body, clothes) that might cause rejection.
2. List all the personality traits that might cause rejection.
3. Write down reasons for being rejected that have nothing to do
with you (e.g., the other person is afraid of you or feels
ill).
One evening I asked a group of singles to do this exercise. Their
reasons follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
PHYSICAL REASONS FOR REJECTION
Hair: too short/too long
too straight/curly
too dark/light
Skin: too wrinkled/not enough character lines
Nose: too long/short
overly broad/narrow
Lips: too thick/thin
Neck: too long/short
too fat/scrawny
Head: overly large/small
Body: too tall/short
too fat/skinny
too old/young
too muscle-bound/flabby
Clothes: overly formal/casual
too expensive/cheap
too tight/baggy
too colorful/drab
too avante-garde/old-fashioned
overly sexy/conservative
Needless to say, the list of physical reasons for rejection could
be endless. We could continue with arms, hands, legs, chest, waist,
hips, feet, etc.
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT CAUSE REJECTION
overtalkative/too silent
drinks too much/too little
overeducated/undereducated
overly assertive/unassertive
overly blunt/phony
overly conventional/unconventional
overly scrupulous/unscrupulous
too aggressive/passive
too common/weird
too controlled/uninhibited
too intelligent/dumb
too liberal/conservative
too loud/soft laughs
too much/too little
too outgoing/shy
too predictable/unpredictable
too proud/humble
too religious/irreligious
too serious/relaxed
too strong/weak
Again the list could be endless. You might even be rejected by two
people with opposite reasons: one for being too fat, another for being
too skinny. One person might find you to be too friendly, another
might think you're unfriendly. As Rick Nelson sings in Garden Party,
"you can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself."
Sometimes you are rejected for reasons that have nothing to do
with you. People may be unfriendly because they are:
* ill
* in a bad mood
* depressed
* angry
* sleepy
* homosexual
* disappointed in the opposite sex
* married
* going steady
* from out of town
* too busy
Fear can also cause rejection. People may be afraid of :
* sex
* pregnancy
* venereal disease
* hepatitis
* losing their virginity
* what their friends or relatives will think
* that you will reject them later.
It would be great if we could dismiss rejection by saying, "It's
their hangup, not mine." Unfortunately, we tend to take rejection
personally. We interpret it to mean that there is something wrong with
us, not them.
How, then, do you learn to get over the fear of rejection? I like
to tease audiences by promising them the secret to overcoming this
fear. They are always disappointed by my "magical solution": go out
and get rejected. Psychologists will tell you that the best way to
overcome any fear is to confront it head-on. The more you experience
that which you fear, the less emotional charge it will hold for you.
I can remember the fear I experienced the first time I approached
someone for a date. I was extremely scared. Sherry was a student I met
in the hall as I was coming out of a classroom one day. Her class was
scheduled for the next hour. Every day thereafter we bumped into each
other in the hall and flirted. It was very obvious that we found each
other attractive, but neither of us was willing to make the first move
and risk rejection.
One day at home I analyzed the situation and concluded that there
probably was a 99% chance that Sherry would say yes if I asked her
out. I decided that since there was such a tiny chance of rejection I
would risk it the next day. Two weeks later I finally found the
courage to pop the question. She said yes.
Since that time, I've been rejected many times. I'm still afraid
of being turned down, but it's no longer a traumatic experience. I've
learned that life goes on after rejection.
If you're afraid of rejection, it's for good reason--rejection
does hurt. But if you're paralyzed by fear like I was, chances are you
need to have more experience with rejection. Otherwise you will have
to spend the rest of your life depending on luck: someone special must
initiate contact with you.
If you find that your fear of rejection is so great that you don't
have the courage to initiate contact, you may wish to read Thoughts
and Feelings, by Matthew McKay, Martha Davis, and Patrick Fanning.
Below are brief excerpts which deal with relaxation and visualization,
two skills that are crucial for overcoming the fear of rejection.
LEARNING TO RELAX
"It is impossible to be relaxed physically and tense emotionally
at the same time. You can learn to take advantage of this direct
physiological link between your body and your mind. In four days of
doing three practice sessions a day, you can learn to relax your
muscles at will. This ability to relax will then be used to
desensitize you to your fears later.
"Progressive relaxation can be practiced lying down or sitting in
a chair that supports your head. You can read the instructions that
follow, then close your eyes and do the exercises. It is a great help
to tape record the instructions, repeating them into the machine
several times so that you can play the tape and put all your
concentration on relaxing."
ABBREVIATED RELAXATION SEQUENCE
"Tense each muscle group from five to seven seconds, and then
relax from 20 to 30 seconds:
1. Tense your fists, forearms, and biceps in a Charles Atlas
pose; relax.
2. Wrinkle up all the muscles in your face like a walnut, and
roll your head around in a circle to loosen your neck; relax.
3. Take two deep breaths, one into your chest and one into your
stomach; hold and relax.
4. Tense legs twice, one with toes pulled back and once with
toes curled down; relax.
"Breathing deeply is a major key to relaxation. Between each
exercise, take deep breaths into your stomach. Repeat to yourself
words such as 'relax. . .calm. . .letting go' while you are breathing.
Whenever tension occurs. . .take a deep breath and say to yourself,
'Relax'. The more you practice Progressive Relaxation, the deeper your
relaxation will be." Once you have learned to relax, you are ready to
conquer your fear of rejection by creating a Rejection Hierarchy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EXERCISE
1. Make a list of 10 places where you would like to be able to
initiate contact (e.g., in a bar, on the beach, at work).
2. Rearrange your list of 10 places according to your fear of
rejection, so that the first on your list is the most
comfortable and the last is the scariest.
3. Give your last scene a rating of five and your first scene a
rating of fifty. These ratings are called "suds" which stands
for subjective units of distress. Total relaxation would be
zero suds. An example of a completed hierarchy would be:
ITEM SCENE SUDS
1 At work 5
2 At a small party 10
3 At a large party 15
4 On the tennis court 20
5 At a dance 25
6 At a meeting 30
7 At a laundromat 35
8 At a singles bar 40
9 At a supermarket 45
10 On the street 50
---------------------------------------------------------------------
SYSTEMATIC VISUALIZATION OF THREATENING SCENES
This technique, also from Thoughts and Feelings, "is based on the
simple fact that lowering your anxiety reaction to the weakest item on
your hierarchy lowers your reaction to all the other items to the same
degree. It's a process as natural and simple as easing into a tub of
hot bath water--by the time you get all the way in, you're used to the
heat and can take it with no discomfort at all.
"Get into a comfortable position where you won't be disturbed for
the next 15 minutes. Have your hierarchy handy and follow these simple
steps:
1. Sitting or lying with your eyes closed, use your relaxation
skills to progressively relax all the muscles in your
body....Let relaxation flood your body.
2. When you are totally relaxed, allow the first scene on your
hierarchy to enter your mind. Visualize the scene for five to
ten seconds, making it as real as possible for yourself. Some
scenes will take longer to visualize (such as imagining being
at a large party). Use all your senses to create the scene,
including awareness of color, touch, sound and smell.
(Visualize all the people in your scene.)
3. Notice any tension resulting from the scene and assign it a
"suds" value in your mind.
4. Staying in the scene, take a deep breath, hold it for a count
of three and release it slowly. Say to yourself, "I am
relaxing...tension is draining away...I am now relaxed." Or
you can use simpler phrases such as "relax...calm...letting
go."
5. Notice how much your level of tension has decreased, then
switch off the scene. If you want, you can end the scene by
visualizing a specially relaxing place that is associated in
your mind with peace and safety.
6. Repeat this series of steps with the same scene, noticing how
much your anxiety level decreases in suds each time.
7. When twice in a row you no longer experience any anxiety, go
on to the next scene in your hierarchy.
"It generally takes three or four visualizations of a scene to
bring your response to it down to zero. Your first session should be
about 15 minutes long and will probably handle the first three or four
items on your hierarchy.
"As you gain skill and speed in relaxation and visualization, you
can lengthen the sessions to thirty minutes. Stop any session if
you're getting tired, bored or overly upset. You can do sessions every
other day, daily, or even twice a day--the only limiting factor is
fatigue.
"As you go through your hierarchy, you will notice that your
ability to cope with the real life situations in that area improves.
When you encounter similar situations in real life, notice any tension
and use it as a cue to relax: breathe deeply and repeat your calming
statements to yourself."
Overcoming the fear of rejection may not be easy, but going
through life without getting your needs met is an even harder road to
travel.
HOW TO GET PEOPLE TO REJECT YOU
Rejection frequently occurs despite our best efforts.
Unfortunately, some people almost seem to go out of their way to get
rejected. One way to turn people off is to take the attitude, "I'm
going to show you the ugly side of me right off so I can find out
whether or not there's any chance of a good relationship." This policy
is as bad as only putting your best foot forward and hiding everything
negative. The ideal is to try to make a good impression without being
phony.
Another way to get rejected is to talk constantly about ex-spouses
or ex-lovers. Use some discretion. Some people will really get into
your sad stories of failed relationships. Others will respond by
turning off to you. There are several reasons for this:
1. They think you're still in love with your ex and are,
therefore, not ready for a new relationship.
2. They think you have so much resentment towards your ex that
it will spill over to them also.
3. They find your sour grapes story to be depressing and/or
boring.
4. They see you as a loser who is incapable of holding on to a
relationship.
It's important to be open about past relationships, but not to the
point of preventing a new one. If you find that a person is engrossed
in your tale of woe, then by all means give all the gory details.
Otherwise reveal parts of you besides the bitter, depressed and
cynical.
MINIMIZING THE CHANCES OF REJECTION
Ideally you would totally eliminate your fear of rejection and
make contact with every attractive person you see. Unfortunately, you
are unlikely to ever reach that point. Since you probably only have a
limited tolerance for rejection, it is crucial to choose wisely from
the opportunities that come your way. Take the following precautions:
1. Make eye contact before approaching people. That way at least
you won't be a total stranger.
2. Notice their reaction to you from afar. If they quickly turn
away or frown, the chances of rejection are great.
3. Watch your timing. For example, don't ask for a dance:
* when the song is almost over.
* after someone has been dancing strenuously.
* if you're a man at a disco and the band is playing a slow
song. Women at discos are afraid of "perverts grinding
into me" during slow numbers.
* if someone just lit a cigarette or ordered a drink.
Also, don't wait to initiate contact just as people are
preparing to leave. The sooner you make your move, the more
time you will have to make a good impression.
ONE NIGHT STANDS
A major problem for large numbers of singles, particularly women,
is how to deal with one night stands. It's natural to feel
disappointed if you meet someone nice, get involved physically, and
then never hear from them again. Your self-esteem will likely go down
as a result of this "rejection". It's important to realize that one
night stands don't necessarily mean that you're less of a person or
unattractive. Your lover(s) have simply chosen not to get involved
with you again. Some of the more common reasons for this are:
1. They already are in a steady relationship or are married.
Perhaps they concealed this fact from you for fear that it
would make you less attracted to them. Instead of exposing
themselves to your hostility by letting you know, they prefer
to drop you quietly.
2. They didn't enjoy themselves. Just because you enjoyed the
sexual encounter doesn't mean they did, despite what they may
say. They may not have achieved orgasm. You may not be their
type sexually. It's possible for two people to find each
other attractive and still be incompatible in bed.
3. They find you to be very attractive and are afraid of falling
for you. Many single people have a fear of intimacy and
committed relationships. You may be part of a long string of
one night stands, so don't take it personally.
4. They could be "notch on the belt artists". Some singles,
particularly men, need to prove their value through sexual
conquests. Once you have been seduced, you lose your value to
them so they move on to the next challenge.
5. They may be afraid to call and ask for another date for fear
of being rejected. They may think that you didn't enjoy
yourself with them and are unlikely to want a repeat
performance.
6. They may be waiting for you to call them.
When lovers fail to call after a first encounter, you can do one
of two things: you can speculate on why they have rejected you or you
can call and ask point blank why they haven't pursued another
encounter with you. Hopefully, they'll be honest and share why they
haven't called. You may even clear up a misunderstanding. For example,
Frank is a 35 year old designer. "When I first met Susie, we really
clicked. Going to bed with her was a cinch. The only problem was that
a couple of times that night, she casually mentioned a fiance. I
figured that I didn't have a chance for a steady relationship so I
never called again. Fortunately, Susie called me and told me how hurt
she was that I hadn't called. When I explained the reason, she burst
out laughing. She explained that the guy was her ex-fiance. They had
only broken up a couple of weeks earlier, so she still habitually
referred to him as her fiance. After we cleared things up, we resumed
dating. We wound up going down the altar together. "
GOODBYE WITHOUT RESENTMENT
It's easy to get angry when someone rejects you and say, "I don't
have to put up with this; if people don't want me, I can go it alone."
Unfortunately, this attitude won't get your needs met. It's foolish to
expect everyone to find you attractive. They have the same right you
have to set whatever romantic standards they wish.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EXERCISE
Write down all the people you have rejected in the past week. This
includes all the times that:
* you turned away from an unattractive person making eye
contact with you.
* you excused yourself from a conversation with someone
unattractive.
* you refused a date.
Hopefully, your list will be as long (or longer) than that of
those who have rejected you. Rejection protects both you and them from
undesirable relationships.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO REJECT SOMEONE
Rejecting someone can be more painful than getting rejected. You
may feel guilty saying no to someone who initiates contact. It must be
done, however, if you are to clear the tracks for someone new. Instead
of wasting time with the wrong person, you could be meeting someone
right for you.
How do you say no to someone who approaches you? The best way is
to say, "No, thank you." You're thanking people for the compliment
they paid you by initiating contact, but declining the opportunity to
chat, dance, have a drink, or date them. You don't have to invent
excuses, apologies, or explanations. You have a right to refuse
contact with anyone without justifying your decision. You're not
responsible for their hurt feelings--they knew they were risking
rejection when they approached you.
There are many ways that making excuses can backfire. For example,
suppose you are asked to dance. If you lie and say, "No, my feet
hurt," they may insist on sitting at your table instead. They're only
taking you at your word that you're not rejecting them but the dancing
option. Now you have the problem of getting rid of them. In the same
situation, if you reply, "No, I don't like this song," you may be off
the hook. On the other hand, if they ask you later for a dance, you're
going to be stuck with saying yes or rejecting them again.
Another example is someone unattractive asking you for a date for
Saturday night. If you say, "No, I already have a date that night,"
hopefully they'll move on. However, if they persist and present
alternative times, you are probably going to feel forced to break down
and say yes or make it obvious that you just aren't attracted to them.
In the same situation, you can say, "No, I already have a boyfriend/
girlfriend." This is the champion dodge. It usually works, but only if
you aren't going to see them again.
You probably will feel better about yourself if you are truthful
in these situations. Many of the people you are rejecting will
appreciate your honesty. They will be thinking, "thanks for not
b.s.ing me" whether they say so or not.
If people you reject foolishly demand an explanation, they are
choosing to open themselves to being hurt. You may lie to spare their
feelings or choose to be blunt and say you find them unattractive.
Since they asked you, they are responsible for being hurt, not you.
A FINAL NOTE ON REJECTION
Franklin Delano Roosevelt was once asked for the secret for
overcoming the fear of rejection. His reply was, "I realize that other
people are just as afraid to speak to me--especially the first
time--as I am to speak to them."
-----------------------
THE ART OF CONVERSATION
-----------------------
Being able to initiate contact is of little use unless you also
know how to survive the first four minutes of contact with strangers.
According to Leonard Zunin, in his book, Contact: The First Four
Minutes, this is the average amount of time you have to convince
others that they should get to know you better. It's vital, therefore,
to learn the art of conversation. This involves mastery of two
apparently easy skills: talking and listening. Unfortunately, many of
us find difficulty with one or the other. Two types of mismatches
frequently result: two poor talkers get together and have a very dull
conversation or two poor listeners converse and wind up fighting for
the attention of the other. Even if a good talker meets a good
listener, problems eventually arise. The good talker resents having to
do all the talking in order to keep the conversation going. The good
listener becomes bored with the same old stories, thoughts and
feelings.
PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND ME
A common problem of poor talkers is that they are difficult to
understand. Shari is a 25 year old letter carrier for the post office.
"I've always been extremely shy and quiet. My teachers tried to push
me into giving oral reports and participating in discussions, but I
was reluctant. I'm fairly attractive so guys come up to me
occasionally, but I have difficulty sustaining a conversation with
them. It's embarrassing for me to watch them straining to hear. I know
they feel uncomfortable constantly asking me to repeat myself.
Eventually they give up and just pretend to be listening. They lose
interest and walk away. It's very discouraging. "
One solution to this problem is to go somewhere private and
practice talking at the top of your lungs, like the legendary Greek
orator, Demosthenes. Later ask a person you trust to listen while you
shout. Practice talking louder to other friends and finally to
strangers. Ask them to remind you to speak up each time your voice
begins to fade. A second solution is to use the exercise on page 65
and substitute your fear of conversing with strangers. A third
solution is to see a therapist.
NOTHING TO SAY
A common complaint of poor talkers is that they have nothing to
say. Rob is a 32 year old construction worker. "I know this sounds
stupid, but I really have nothing to say. I'd much rather listen to
people who are smart and have lots of things to talk about."
If you are silent most of the time, you probably defend yourself
with the same excuse. Claiming that you have nothing to say is really
a lie you tell yourself to cover up your fears. In reality, you have
an unlimited number of interesting topics at your disposal. A good
place to begin is with yourself. That's the most fascinating topic you
have to discuss. You are the world's foremost expert on the subject
and have numerous interesting things to reveal. As Arthur Wassmer
points out in Making Contact, "Remember, what may seem an everyday
experience to you can strike a listener as fascinating; it happens
more often than you think."
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EXERCISE
1. In order to discover the interesting person you are, write a
factual autobiography of 1000 words. Don't worry about
grammar, spelling, or handwriting (as long as you can read
your own writing). Include all the basic facts such as:
* where and when you were born
* where you went to school and what classes you took
* where you worked and what your responsibilities were
* who your friends were and what they were like
* what your parents and relatives were
* like different homes, towns and countries where you have
lived
2. Now add facts about your emotional life. How did you feel in
particular homes, schools, jobs, situations, etc? How did you
feel towards your parents, relatives and friends and how did
you relate to them? List as many emotions as possible to
flesh out your factual autobiography. Be as specific as
possible. Don't write, "I felt good." Mention specific
emotions such as love, hate, joy, sadness, depression,
anxiety, excitement, ecstasy, jealousy, hope and despair.
3. Now add funny stories that happened to you personally or that
you witnessed.
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Your autobiography will give you a wealth of stories to relate to
people you meet. There are numerous other areas that provide
conversational ammunition:
1. What happened to you five minutes ago, yesterday, or last
week.
2. Your job or classes you're taking. Be careful, however, not
to fall into the trap of always talking shop. If you are
obsessed by school or work, you may bore everyone with
tedious recitals of everything that happened to you in the
classroom or on the job.
3. The weather. Even though it's considered trite, the weather
is really an interesting subject. It's also one of the
easiest to discuss with most anyone.
4. Some book you've just read (or magazine or newspaper
article).
5. Current events (local, national and international)
6. Sports.
7. Religion, sex and politics. These are all-time favorite
topics. Granted, they are supposed to be taboo and can be
risky. Some people will be intolerant if you have different
views from theirs. Certainly there is a risk of getting into
a nasty argument and having a promising relationship
collapse. However, if you do get seriously involved, your
opinions on these subjects invariably are revealed. Better to
nip a doomed relationship in the bud than discover too late
that you clash on too many subjects to be compatible.
8. A joke or funny story about yourself, a friend, or someone
you read or heard about. Don't be afraid to tell a story that
makes you appear foolish. You will endear yourself to others
if you show that you can laugh and make fun of yourself.
9. A recent trip. People love to hear about exotic places like
Hawaii, Bali, Hong Kong, and Rome. Don't be afraid to talk
about trips to less impressive places or towns close to home.
As long as you are turned on to the subject, you have the
potential for stimulating your listeners. Frequently people
will share their own experiences traveling to the same or
similar places.
10. Some task you have undertaken (painting the kitchen, fixing
your car, writing a resume).
11. Your hobbies (e.g., stamp-collecting, needlepoint, building
military models).
12. The other person. People love to hear you talk about them, as
long as you aren't overly negative or critical.
13. Your hopes and fears.
14. Your dreams (no matter how wild or unrealistic they may be).
Ask people to help interpret the symbolism in your dreams or
if they've had similar ones. If your dreams are x-rated, be
careful to choose an appropriate audience .
15. Your feelings at the moment. People usually feel privileged
if you open up and share what's going on inside of you.
16. Something you don't like about them. Ask them for permission
first, unless you're sure they won't be offended. Be gentle
and constructive.
17. Your problem of being a poor talker. Once you've established
that you have a problem, you will feel less self-conscious
about it. The odds are the other person will be sympathetic
and encourage you to talk. You'll probably feel less pressure
to be entertaining.
18. How much you like or love them. This is often the most
difficult subject to discuss, but it's usually the most
appreciated.
You don't always have to be witty and fascinating when talking
about yourself. As Arthur Wassmer points out: "People are not
interested in you for your entertainment value. They can get better
entertainment than most of us can provide simply by turning on the
television. It is you that they are interested in and contact that
they seek."
FINDING SOMETHING IN COMMON
A key to successful conversation is talking about something you
have in common with the other person. No matter how different they may
appear, you have many things in common with all human beings. The
trick is to discover what these things are. Here are only a few
possibilities:
1. born in the same town or city
2. vacationed at the same places
3. went to the same school, college or university
4. studied the same subjects
5. read the same books
6. worked at the same job or for the same company
7. have the same hobbies
8. play the same games or sports
9. belong to the same church, club or political party
10. have similar dreams, fantasies, plans or ambitions
11. had the same joys or problems with parents, relatives,
friends or lovers.
12. know the same people
13. admire the same musicians, entertainers, movie and television
stars, politicians, athletes, sports teams, artists,
philosophers, psychologists, etc.
14. have children of similar ages.
When you meet someone new, just listen closely to clues as to what
you might have in common and you'll soon be off to the races.
WHAT IF I'M BORING?
Diane is a 40 year old divorced homemaker. She's a loving mother
of three and is always watching the kids, cleaning house, doing
errands, or watching television. "I get the impression that nobody
wants to listen to me except my children. When I meet people, they're
always fidgeting and avoiding eye contact. They seldom want to stay
around and talk. I guess I must be very boring."
The easiest way to develop stimulating subject matter is to lead a
more interesting life. If you're a homebody, perhaps all you need is
to get out of the house more often. If you spend too much time with
your children, try to converse more often with adults. Possibly you're
in a rut and need to watch less television, listen to fewer records,
or read fewer romance novels. Taking a job or signing up for a class
may add spice to your life. Going to a museum, attending an art
exhibit, or joining a club or organization might lead to more
stimulating discussion topics. Going on a trip will add many
interesting stories to your conversations. Try something new and
exciting.
A second solution is to read more. The latest bestsellers are
excellent conversation topics. Newspapers and magazines also provide
interesting subjects for discussion.
A third solution is to go to movies, operas, symphonies and other
entertainment and cultural events. You'll be able to discuss them with
others who do likewise.
A fourth possibility is to avoid the following pitfalls in
conversations: 1) talking too much about the past ("in the good old
days. . ."); 2) complaining all the time; 3) constantly talking behind
people's backs.
A fifth solution is to rehearse. Some people have great memories.
Others can't tell a joke without forgetting the punch line or can't
repeat something they've heard or read without getting their facts all
mixed up. If you have this problem, practice telling jokes, stories,
facts and interesting ideas. Don't memorize word-for-word, but
practice enough times so you won't make a fool of yourself (or fear
that you'll make a fool of yourself).
USING A TAPE RECORDER
Listening to yourself on a tape recorder during a conversation can
provide valuable insights. Possibly the content of your conversations
is interesting but your delivery is dull. Speaking too slowly, for
example, can drive your listeners crazy. If that's your problem use
the tape recorder to practice conversing when you are alone.
Concentrate on speaking as rapidly as possible.
If you speak in a monotone, again practice on the tape recorder.
Try to put enthusiasm in your voice. Talk in front of a mirror and
practice increasing your use of facial expressions and gestures.
Another problem is the over frequent use of certain phrases such
as "you know," "basically," "uh," etc. Practice speaking about the
same topic over and over until you eliminate the repetitive phrase(s).
HOW TO GET PEOPLE TO LISTEN
Be sensitive to whether or not people are listening to you. If you
notice that your "listeners" are staring at you with a blank
expression, avoiding eye contact, or are unusually silent, the odds
are that they're not really listening and you're wasting your time.
You're also boring them, which decreases the chance that they will
want to spend time with you again. What can you do with an inattentive
listener?
1. Change the subject. There are an infinite number of other
topics to discuss. If you can't think of anything
stimulating, ask them if there's anything they would like to
discuss. Possibly they've been patiently waiting for you to
finish before bringing up something else that's important to
them.
2. Ask them a question about what you've been saying. You'll jar
them into paying closer attention in the future.
3. Raise your voice. Possibly they're having a difficult time
hearing you.
4. Touch them gently.
5. Ask, "Am I boring you?" Say it in a gentle or humorous way so
that they don't take offense or feel threatened.
If worse comes to worse, terminate the conversation. Better to
quit while you're ahead (or only a little behind) than to vainly
attempt to prolong a lackluster conversation. There are many reasons
why a person may not be in the mood to converse with you:
1. They feel physically ill, fatigued or sleepy.
2. They're in a bad mood.
3. They're distracted by a personal problem.
4. They need to do something else, like use the restroom, get
another drink or make a telephone call.
5. They're late for another commitment.
6. They want to talk to someone else in the room.
If you master the skills in this chapter, you'll be halfway
towards your goal of being a good conversationalist.The next chapter
deals with the second half, which is often harder: becoming a good
listener.
------------------------
BECOMING A GOOD LISTENER
------------------------
Are you a good listener? Don't confuse hearing with listening,
which are really two different skills. If what you hear goes in one
ear and out the other, forming a loving relationship will be extremely
difficult.
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EXERCISE
List your closest friends, relatives and business associates. Rank
them on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 meaning completely boring and 10 meaning
always fascinating.
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If you find that you've labeled the majority as boring, you
probably have one of two problems: 1) you're socializing or working
with the wrong people, or 2) you're a poor listener. The likelihood is
the latter. Bored listeners usually don't listen at all. If they ever
stopped and really listened, they might actually enjoy themselves. A
good example is Ed, a 49 year old computer software salesman. "I used
to always find people boring. I'd meet all kinds of women--I had a
very active social life and am very outgoing. Some of the women were
attractive physically and I'd get involved, but eventually the
relationships would fizzle out. I'd always get tired of them and move
on to someone new.
"Everyone thought I was just a playboy--afraid of love and
intimacy. I kept arguing that if I ever met the right women--someone
who was interesting, funny, intelligent, and pretty--that I'd go for
her. Unfortunately, all the interesting women were physically
unattractive and all the cute ones seemed to be empty-headed.
"One day I read an article on how to listen effectively. After
practicing some of the suggestions, I was amazed by the results. All
of a sudden, almost everybody became interesting. Every time I felt
bored, restless, or uneasy, I used one of the listening techniques in
the article and presto! I was interested again.
"Gradually the truth hit me. The reason I found most conversations
boring was because the only person I ever really listened to was
myself! Sure, I'm intelligent, educated, witty, and articulate. Others
seem to enjoy listening to me, but I bore myself. I've already heard
my thoughts, feelings, jokes and stories a million times. Once I
started listening to others, I stopped shying away from meeting new
people for fear that they'd bore me.
"Another interesting result is that people seem to be listening
more closely to me. I guess they used to turn me off because I'd done
the same to them."
What if you're the opposite: someone who is quiet, shy and seldom
contributes much to a conversation. At least you're a good listener,
right? Wrong! Shy people are not only poor talkers; they're usually
poor listeners. If you're shy, you probably feel uncomfortable in
conversations, particularly with strangers. Your fears and discomfort
can distract you from others and what they're saying. You need to
learn to relax (which is discussed in detail in the chapter on
rejection) when you converse. Every time you feel tense, nervous or
uncomfortable in a conversation, you should take a deep breath so you
can relax and listen. Surprisingly, the same advice holds true for
people like Ed who aren't shy but constantly feel bored during
conversations. You get nervous and restless when you're bored.
Relaxing will enable you to listen attentively and become interested
in what other people are saying.
Becoming a good listener is one of the most useful qualities you
can develop in your search for a romantic partner. If you're a good
listener, you have a tremendous advantage over possible rivals. When
you listen attentively, you are accomplishing several things:
1. You're complimenting people. They will feel that you value
them and what they have to say.
2. You're encouraging them to open themselves and share their
thoughts and feelings.
3. You're increasing the chances that they will continue
conversing with you.
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EXERCISE
If you suspect you're a poor listener, check it out with your
friends and relatives. Ask them to be specific about how you might be
a poor listener. Assure them that you will listen in silence to what
they have to say and won't interrupt them. Only after they finish
should you ask follow-up questions. Resist the temptation to defend
yourself. Thank them for giving you honest, constructive criticism, no
matter how much it hurts.
Listed below are eight types of poor listeners. See if any sound
familiar.
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1. The motor mouths. They never seem to stop talking. It's
almost impossible to get a word in edgewise. If you're a
motor mouth, practice being completely silent while others
talk.
2. The plan-aheaders. They don't listen because they're
continuously planning what they're going to say next, after
someone makes the mistake of pausing for breath. If you're a
plan-aheader, try to drop your own thoughts and concentrate
solely on those of the other person.
3. The interrupters. They can't wait their turn, so they
interrupt your train of thought with comments or questions.
If you're an interrupter, stifle yourself. Wait until people
completely stop talking before adding your two cents worth.
4. The misinterpreters. They manage to misunderstand whatever
you say, no matter how clearly you express yourself. If
you're a misinterpreter, practice repeating what people say.
Ask them if you've been accurate. If they answer no, don't
argue. Ask them to repeat their point their way.
5. The egocentrics. They always turn the focus of the
conversation back to their favorite topic--themselves. If
you're egocentric, practice omitting the use of the pronouns
I, me and my. Exclusively use the pronouns you, your, he,
she, him, her, his, them and their when conversing.
6. The tangent lovers. They focus on some insignificant part of
what you're saying and totally overlook the important parts.
If you're a tangent lover, tell people about your problem and
ask them to insist on returning to their main point
immediately after you digress.
7. The deaf. They have a hearing problem but are too proud to
admit it. Rather than wear a hearing aid, they choose to miss
out on a significant part of what people are saying. People
with poor hearing often conceal this fact by being motor
mouths. As long as they're doing the talking, nobody will
discover that their hearing is impaired. Seniors frequently
have this problem. They may be unwilling to face the reality
of poor hearing because to them it's an admission that
they're over the hill and useless. If you're deaf or hard of
hearing, buy a hearing aid.
8. The easily offended. They are antagonized by almost anything
you say. Every imagined slight is an insult. Your
disagreement with anything they say makes you an enemy.
Conversations with them usually end in anger and frustration.
If you are easily offended, your problem is low self-esteem.
Consider seeing a psychotherapist.
TEN SINS OF POOR LISTENERS
Below are ten blocks to good listening. Examples are given on how
you might employ them to prevent real contact with people you meet.
1. Comparing. With this block, you are distracted from listening
by comparing your attractiveness, intelligence, education,
health, etc. with others. For example, a man tells you about
his new job. Rather than listen attentively to a description
of his responsibilities and how he feels about the job, you
mentally start comparing your salary and position on the
corporate ladder with his. You also speculate on whether he
is as competent as you are.
2. Suspecting. Instead of trusting that others are telling you
the truth, you're always looking beneath the surface for
subtle clues that they're lying or concealing secrets. For
example, a woman tells you about her recent divorce. Instead
of giving her the benefit of the doubt and believing her
description of what her husband was like and why the marriage
collapsed, you try to read between the lines and fantasize
about what the relationship was "really like". "I'll bet she
was a constant nag" or "she was probably unfaithful" are
thoughts that go through your mind. Meanwhile, you miss half
of what she's telling you about what really happened.
Certainly it's true that people sometimes lie or tell half-
truths, but generally people are telling the truth. There's
no need to be gullible, but the best policy is to accept what
people say unless you have good reason to doubt them.
3. Filtering. This is where you only hear what you want to hear
and filter out significant parts of the message people try to
communicate to you. For example, someone tells you that he or
she really likes your personality but isn't sexually
attracted to you. The person also informs you about a steady
lover and states a preference for a platonic relationship
with you. You miss the part about your attractive personality
and decide the person dislikes you. You refuse to have
anything further to do with the person and miss out on the
opportunity for a pleasant friendship.
Another example: someone tells you that he/she thinks you are
attractive but is hoping to marry someone younger. You also
learn about the person's current lover. You filter out the
part about the desire for someone younger and conclude that
all you have to do is bide your time and wait for the other
lover to leave the picture. Then you can move in, since the
person admits to being attracted to you. You cling to this
unrealistic fantasy instead of going on to a more likely
prospect for a long-term relationship.
4. Judging. You're so busy evaluating whether people are good or
bad, competent or incompetent, admirable or contemptible,
that you miss a good deal of what they are saying to you. For
example, a man tells you some of his sexual experiences. You
learn intimate details about his love life: needs, fantasies,
disappointments, joys. Meantime you're judging whether or not
he is sufficiently moral or sexually liberated, too
"straight" or too "perverted". A one-time opportunity for
intimacy is lost.
5. Identifying. Everything people say reminds you of yourself.
You switch the subject away from them to you before they have
a chance to finish their story or point. For example, a man
tells you about the new car he is thrilled to have bought.
This immediately reminds you of a car of the same make you
had ten years ago. You interrupt the man in mid-sentence and
spend the next five minutes talking about your ex-car. Then
you wonder why he wanders off after a perfunctory goodbye to
talk to someone else.
6. Advising. Sometimes you can help people by giving them
advice, but most of the time they primarily need a good
listener. They can be very resentful if you don't give them
the opportunity to just share their thoughts and feelings
without having to justify them. For example, a woman tells
you how horrible she feels after just discovering her lover
is gay. You launch into a lecture about how common this is
becoming and all the new support groups for women
experiencing this problem. The irony is that you are actually
giving her good advice, but she walks off feeling negative
towards you because of your inability to just be there and
listen.
7. Arguing. Many people enjoy the stimulation of a good
discussion or debate. Unfortunately, most of us are very poor
listeners when we are intent on proving someone wrong. For
example, a man tells you about how difficult it is for him to
adjust to his recent conversion from Judaism to Catholicism.
You immediately point out what a horrible mistake he made and
how the Vatican "owns half of Italy". After a heated
exchange, your potential new friend walks away to talk to
someone else who is willing to listen to his feelings.
8. Joking. This is a way of evading unpleasant topics.
Unfortunately, joking when seriousness is appropriate is only
postponing the inevitable confrontation with reality. For
example, a woman suggests you spend the night with her. You
feel uncomfortable with this and nervously joke, "But what
will the bartender think if we leave together?"
9. Changing the subject. This is another way of avoiding
unpleasantry. For example, someone you find unattractive asks
to see you again. You pretend you didn't hear because of the
loud music and ask, "Do you want to dance again?"
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EXERCISE
1. Spend a week watching how many "sins" you commit when
conversing with friends. Determine your top three blocks to
good listening and spend the week concentrating on doing the
opposite.
2. Spend another week watching your interaction with strangers.
See if you still have a tendency to make the same three
mistakes. Again spend a week doing the opposite.
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ACTIVE LISTENING
So far we've looked at listening as something passive: all you
have to do is sit sphinx-like and avoid certain habits. Unfortunately,
this isn't enough. In order to be effective, listening must be active.
This involves five basic skills.
1. Clarifying. Frequently ask questions when you don't fully
understand what someone is saying or you aren't certain that
you heard them correctly.
2. Responding. Be sure to give people feedback while they're
talking. Frequently say "yeah," "uh huh," etc. to encourage
them. Tell them what you think or feel about what they are
saying. Try to be nonjudgmental in your feedback. The best
way of doing this is to make "I" statements rather than "you"
statements. For example:
Instead of saying: "You sure fouled that up."
Say: "I think I would have done things differently."
Instead of saying: "You sure are willing to put up with a lot
of guff."
Say: "I have no patience with people that treat me that way."
Instead of saying: "You have a sick attitude toward sex."
Say: "I am more liberated about sex than you."
3. Understanding. It's important to realize that people act the
way they do because they believe (often incorrectly) that
it's the best thing to do. You may often find yourself
turning off to people because they say, feel, or do things
you disdain. Try to understand why people are the way they
are. Ask yourself what purpose is served by feeling or acting
the way they do.
For example, you meet someone who recites a boring litany of
faults about an ex-spouse. Your natural inclination is to be
judgmental and say to yourself, "Who wants to listen to all
this crap?" You turn off to the conversation and start
daydreaming. Effective listening requires a different course.
Try to understand why people are angry or hurt. If you listen
closely, you'll probably learn a great deal about some very
important experiences. It's unimportant whether their ex-
spouses were as rotten as they would have you believe. Surely
they suffered a great deal in their broken marriages and have
some cause for complaint. Though the subject may be
unpleasant, people are giving you the gift of seeing their
inner selves. You may never again be given the chance to see
other things that are more attractive if you close yourself
off to their ugly sides.
4. Being open-minded. There's nothing wrong with having strong
convictions ("standing up for what I believe in"). Many of us
have a tendency, however, to close our ears to views that
differ from our own. The secret to being open-minded is to
realize that since you're human, anything you believe could
be wrong--no matter how certain you are.
5. Empathizing. Try to see things from the other person's
perspective, rather than your own. Put aside your own
prejudices, beliefs, hopes and fears and identify with
theirs. A good way to do this is to actually pretend you are
that other person.
Changing your listening habits may be a chore in the beginning,
but after a while, good listening becomes second nature. You will reap
the following rewards for your efforts:
1. People will like you, value your company and seek you out.
2. They will open themselves up to you and share a treasure
chest of their deepest thoughts, feelings and secrets.
3. People are more likely to listen when you speak.
4. You will find most people to be interesting and entertaining.
5. You will actually look forward to meeting new people and will
value seeing them over and over.
6. You will feel closer to people and find it easier to form
loving relationships with them.
The world is full of good talkers, but good listeners can be a
treasure. Become a good listener and many people will decide that you
are a special someone.
HOW TO HANDLE A POOR LISTENER
What should you do if you meet someone attractive who is a poor
listener? You have three choices. The first is to change them.
Changing people is seldom easy, particularly in the case of poor
listeners, since they don't listen very well when you ask them to
change. While it's certainly not your obligation to change them into
good listeners, it's wise to take some responsibility for their
behavior with you. Ask yourself three questions
1. Have I attempted to explain their problem to them in a calm,
non-threatening manner? If you don't point out the problem,
how else will they find out?
2. Have I stood up for my rights instead of meekly submitting to
their poor listening behavior?
3. Can I honestly claim that I have not encouraged the poor
listener to act that way? Frequently, victims of mistreatment
bear major responsibility for their sad predicament.
If you answered no to any of these questions, you need to change
your own behavior. Hopefully, the poor listener will do likewise. If
you answered yes to all three questions, changing the poor listener
obviously isn't the solution. You are faced with two more
alternatives. One is to accept them. If you're getting enough rewards
from the relationship, it may be worth sustaining. The second
alternative is to drop them. A lifetime spent with a poor listener can
be one of endless frustration and lack of intimacy. There are millions
of good listeners out there. Find one.
---------------------
ESTABLISHING INTIMACY
---------------------
Having a great conversation with someone new and attractive is
exciting. The next step is arranging to see one another again. The
question is where? There are several important considerations.
1. You should go somewhere or do something that both of you will
enjoy. Ideally your first date (and subsequent ones as well)
will be a joint decision. There's nothing wrong with taking
the initiative and asking someone out to a particular event
or place, but it's usually better to discuss several options
and find one the both of you will enjoy. Otherwise, the other
person may agree to go along because of attraction to you
rather than the activity. You will then be expected to be so
stimulating and entertaining that you make up for what your
date considers to be an unpleasant activity.
When someone attractive invites you for a date, don't be
afraid to be assertive if the suggestion is something you
might not enjoy. Make a counter-suggestion or just say, "I'd
like to see you again but that just doesn't interest me. Can
we think of something else?" Otherwise you may find yourself
sleeping through the last half of a symphony, having
nightmares after a horror film, or shivering and suffering
through the rigors of camping.
2. Choose an activity that will enable you to get to know the
other person. Going to a rock concert may be fun but it's
difficult to communicate with the music blaring. Sharing a
meal, a cup of coffee, or a drink may be the easiest way to
carry on a sustained and intimate conversation. On the other
hand, if you find it difficult to converse with new friends
for more than a few minutes at a time, it might be wise to
choose an event where there is less need for conversation: a
play, movie or concert. You can still converse during the
breaks and while driving to and from the event.
3. If you invite your date to your home for dinner, be sure that
both of you will enjoy the meal. If you're a meat and
potatoes person and your date is a vegetarian, cooking a
suitable meal may require some thought and discussion. Other
problems may arise. Your date may be on a diet while you're
trying to gain weight. Your favorite dish (liver and onions)
may make others nauseated. If you plan your menu enough in
advance, check with your partner ahead of time to make sure
it's all right.
4. If you are invited to your date's home for a meal be sure to
spell out any unusual eating habits, such as vegetarianism,
special medical diet, allergies, etc. If you're a finicky
eater, you have a problem. You may be afraid of offending
your host by asking what's on the menu. If you don't do so,
however, you run the risk of either offending your date by
barely touching your meal or offending your stomach by
forcing down distasteful morsels.
5. This advice holds true for restaurants as well. Find out what
kind of food is served at the establishment and make sure
both of you will enjoy it. Don't let someone surprise you by
taking you to an unannounced restaurant unless you're the
kind of person who'll eat most anything.
6. Don't be afraid to do the unusual. Most dates traditionally
involve dinner, dancing or a movie. There's nothing wrong
with going out to breakfast or lunch instead. You can go
roller or ice skating, horseback riding, canoeing, or
sailing. You can also go for a ferry boat ride or visit an
amusement park, the county fair, etc.
7. Don't feel compelled to spend a lot of money unless you can
afford it. Otherwise you may set overly high expectations for
the date and be sorely disappointed ("I dropped a hundred
bucks and didn't even get a good night kiss.") There is
nothing wrong with doing things that are either free or only
involve the expense of a short drive: walking along the beach
and watching the sunset (or sunrise); going to a zoo or park;
attending free lectures, exhibits, festivals and parades. The
point of the date is to have a good time and get to know one
another, not impress your partner with the size of your bank
account.
How do you achieve intimacy in romantic relationships? There's
nothing complicated. You only need to do two things: Pry and Reveal.
When you pry, you ask people to open themselves so you can get to know
them better; in turn you reveal yourself so they get to know you. It's
as simple as that.
PRYING
Being nosy or inquisitive is considered a "no-no" in our society.
This fear of intruding on the privacy of others is a major reason for
the lack of intimacy and prevalence of loneliness in this country. The
way to get to know someone is to ask questions and listen attentively.
What kinds of questions should you ask someone you don't know very
well? There are four types.
1. Small talk questions. They break the ice and also provide
important information. Where are you from? Have you been here
before? What do you do? What kinds of hobbies do you have? Do
you dance? What kind of music do you like? Do you have any
kids? Have you ever been married?
2. Follow-up questions. The beauty of small talk questions is
that usually you gain more information than you expected. You
are then in a position to ask follow-up questions. You can
ask them to clarify or elaborate on what they told you
without appearing nosy (after all, they brought up the
subject themselves.) Suppose you ask a man what he does for a
living (small talk question) and he answers that he's "a
police officer, unfortunately." Now you have the opportunity
to ask the perfect follow-up question, "Why do you say
unfortunately?" You're likely to learn a great deal about
this man: all the stresses, fears, challenges, frustrations
and thrills that go with being a policeman. Your follow-up
questions won't be interpreted as your being overly-curious
because he opened the door himself by mentioning that he
found his occupation to be unfortunate.
Another example: you ask an attractive woman at a disco,
"Have you ever been here before?" (small talk question). She
replies, "I've only been here once but I wish I could come
more often." This presents you with the opportunity to ask,
"Why don't you come more often?" (follow-up question) You're
likely to find out a great deal of personal information by
pursuing this tack. You may discover that she doesn't come
more often because she works very hard and is exhausted when
she gets home. Perhaps she has an invalid parent at home.
3. Opinion questions. These can be a little more personal.
You're asking people to take a stand and risk offending you
or incurring your disapproval. Who should I vote for? Is
there a God? Where are the best investments? What do you
think about marijuana? Do you believe in dating someone of a
different race?
People have opinions about most everything, so there's no
limit to the number of opinion questions you can ask. The
more controversial the question, of course, the greater the
risk that the two of you will disagree. If you're the kind of
person who is close minded and intolerant of the views of
others, it might be wise for you to limit yourself to
questions in areas where you don't have strong opinions. As
long as you don't try to prove that people are wrong, stupid,
ignorant, or immoral, the likelihood is that they will enjoy
sharing their opinions with you.
4. Personal questions. These provide information that is usually
kept private. Are you a virgin? Do you have a drinking
problem? Do you ever fantasize about rape? Do you get along
well with your children? Are you happy? Are you looking for
love or just a one night stand? How do you feel about my
smoking? Do you find me attractive? Am I your type? Are you
feeling uptight talking to me right now? Are you self-
conscious about your weight? Are you afraid of dying? Are you
afraid that you're too old to remarry?
Personal questions such as these may take courage to ask--and
answer--but the information they provide is the fuel for
intimacy. If you don't ask them, you will be safe from both
the hazards and the joys of being close to others.
Sometimes you may be lucky and run into attractive people who
are naturally open. You don't have to pry because their lives
"are an open book". These people are very rare. Even
extremely open people often need some prodding. They aren't
going to spill their guts unless they feel confident that you
are open and interested in learning about them. When you ask
personal questions, you are likely to receive one of the
following responses:
* They answer fully and honestly. Ideally people will
choose this option and you are well on your way to
intimacy.
* They don't answer because they didn't hear you or
misunderstood your question. Be cognizant of this
possibility. Don't be afraid to repeat the question
loudly or in different words if you suspect they
misheard or misunderstood you.
* They don't answer because they feel uncomfortable with
the question right now. They may feel more comfortable
later. If you suspect this might be the case, give them
another chance later after they've gotten to know you
better. Timing is often crucial. A too-personal question
at the start of a conversation may be quite comfortable
ten minutes later.
* They don't answer because they think you're an
inquisitive busybody who has no right to ask. If you see
this in their eyes, tell them, "You probably think I'm a
nosy boor for asking this, but I would really like to
get to know you better." If they don't react positively,
chances are you're flirting with someone with whom you
will have difficulty achieving intimacy. Choose someone
else.
* They answer, but not completely. Gently ask a follow-up
question. If they still don't answer completely, save
the question for later.
* They answer, but dishonestly. If you suspect this is the
case, say in a pleasant, lighthearted way, "I'm sorry
for putting you on the spot, but I'd like to get to know
you better. Feel free to lie or refuse to answer
anything I ask you." They may laugh and give you the
honest answer then and there or at least plan to do so
later if they find they like you.
Asking questions, particularly personal ones, can be scary.
Fortunately, as the possibility of rejection increases, so does the
chance for intimacy. If you have a delicate ego, take the following
precautions:
1. Avoid personal questions until after you've developed strong
rapport.
2. Slowly escalate the heaviness of your inquiries. Ask slightly
personal questions first and then move on to more intimate
ones.
3. Preemptively withdraw a personal question before they answer
if you can see worry or anger sweep suddenly over their
faces. Make a hasty retreat by saying, "I really shouldn't be
asking you something this personal--you might put me on the
spot in return." This is a pleasant, joking way of relieving
the tension and enabling them to avoid questions with which
they feel uncomfortable.
Humor is the most effective tool for prying. If you can
sugar-coat even the most intimate inquiry with humor, you are
likely to get full and honest answers. If a person appears
reluctant to answer your personal questions, you can joke,
"If I wasn't so chicken, I'd ask you_____________" Another
way of asking is, "Please don't hit me if I ask
you__________"
MAKING PEOPLE TALK
The most vital ingredient for intimacy is trust. Someone who
trusts you is unlikely to be closed. In order to open up, people must
feel confident that:
1. You won't spill their secrets to others without specific
permission. If you're a blabbermouth, very few people will be
foolish enough to share personal information or secrets with
you. It's vital to develop a reputation for confidentiality.
Always keep a secret, no matter how juicy the story or how
much someone pleads with you to share it. Be sure you are
clear as to what information you are expected to keep
confidential. This prevents future arguments and
recriminations.
2. You won't use the information against them later. The more
people tell you about themselves, the more ammunition they're
giving you to use against them. They make themselves
vulnerable each time they reveal a weak spot. Resist the
temptation to use this information against them in the heat
of anger or for temporary advantage. Every time you do this,
they will feel betrayed and be less likely to confide in you
again. Intimacy in a relationship cannot be maintained if a
person suspects you will use their revelations
unscrupulously.
3. You won't be judgmental or critical. There's nothing wrong
with letting someone know that you have different moral
standards or points of view. You may reveal that in similar
circumstances, you might have acted differently, as long as
you make it clear they are not obligated to be like you.
4. You won't reject them. Once people learn that relationships
with you are conditional on their acting in certain ways,
they will take care not to let you see other sides of them.
Hanging up the phone, leaving them in disgust, or acting cold
or silent after they share something about themselves are the
prescription for zero intimacy in a relationship.
People are likely to tell you almost anything you want to know if
they're sure you feel affection for them. This adds to the trust that
you won't reject them or use the information against them later.
Express your affection openly, strongly and frequently. The chapter on
Romance gives tips on how to do that.
People are only going to be willing to show the "ugly" side of
them if they're sure that you already appreciate their beautiful side.
We all have a tendency to put our best foot forward. The other foot
only follows after we get the message that someone has positive regard
for us. If someone shares information that you find disgusting or
threatening in some way, don't be afraid to share your feelings in a
gentle way. Hasten to add, however, that you still approve of them
despite any indiscretions or faults.
REVEALING YOURSELF
Another key to successful prying is self-disclosure. The more you
reveal about yourself, the more likely others are to reciprocate.
Self-disclosure is a must if you want to avoid resentment from others
when you pry. What kinds of things should you reveal? Ideally,
everything about you. If you could open yourself totally to others,
you probably would be able to create the most intimate relationships
on earth. Realistically, however, we all have our secrets and feel
almost an overwhelming need to conceal at least some of them. The wise
course is to determine which secrets are essential and which are
expendable.
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EXERCISE
1. Write down a list of secrets about yourself that you have
never told anyone. Be sure that no one is around when you
do this and rest assured that you can destroy the list at the
completion of the exercise.
2. Next to each secret, try to write down the name of at least
one person with whom you would feel comfortable sharing the
secret.
3. If no one comes to mind, then write the name of the one
person you least fear learning your secret. Imagine what
their response would be if they knew. Would they stop liking
you or become angry or violent? Would they blab the secret to
someone else? If not, then why are you afraid of sharing this
with them?
4. Visualize telling the secret to a specific person. Would you
feel more comfortable telling them over the phone, in person,
or through the mail? When would you feel most comfortable
revealing yourself? Rehearse the actual words you would say
(out loud) until you feel comfortable with them.
5. When you feel comfortable (or at least your discomfort is
manageable), arrange to tell each secret to one or more
persons. You may find it helpful to preface your revelation
by telling the person that you have an important secret to
share with them and that it's very hard for you to do so.
Request a commitment that they will try not to laugh, become
angry or be judgmental. Ask them to understand that the
reason you're doing this is because you wish to be closer to
them and that your secret is an obstacle to intimacy.
6. You need not tell all of your secrets in one day or one week,
but don't procrastinate. Your motivation may diminish with
time so try to unburden yourself of your secrets as quickly
as possible.
7. After doing all this, make another list of secrets that
you've shared with only one or a few people. Next to each
secret write the names of one or more additional people you
would feel comfortable knowing the secret.
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Chuck is a 24 year old physicist. "My deepest secret was that I
once had a male lover. I avoided telling anyone, even my oldest and
dearest friend. That was the hardest, because I needed to tell someone
and Burt was the logical person to start with. However, once he
mentioned how sickened he was about the idea of men making love to
men, so I figured it wasn't safe to tell him.
"One night the secret slipped out inadvertently. I was shocked to
learn that Burt wasn't phased by it at all. The only thing he found
surprising was that I had kept things secret for so long, since
normally I'm very open with him."
This story expresses an important truth. Most of the time people
won't find your secrets to be as demeaning as you do. People who care
about you should be able to accept just about anything about you
(unless you're an ax murderer).
Some secrets, of course, may be wiser to conceal than reveal.
Before telling a heavy secret, weigh the price you'll have to pay
versus the gain in intimacy. For example, telling a lover that you
have been unfaithful can result in more intimacy, but also in the
termination of the relationship. Graphically describing your sexual
experiences can produce more intimacy and even add sparks to your
lovemaking, but it can also needlessly torture your present lover and
cause strains in the relationship.
With strangers, you probably won't want to reveal any serious
secrets. They might consider you to be a bit weird if you did. People
you care for, on the other hand, make ideal listeners.
SHARING SOMETHING NEGATIVE
One of the quickest ways to open the door to intimacy with someone
you've just met is to share something negative. It's wise to ask for
permission first. For example, "May I share something negative I feel
about you?" Naturally you don't want to say something very offensive.
Choose something that will have impact but won't nip a budding
relationship. For example:
I feel uncomfortable when you blow smoke in my direction.
I feel like you aren't listening closely to me.
I have the impression that you always come on this way with
women.
I feel you're being defensive with me.
I don't feel comfortable having your hand on my leg.
I would appreciate it if you ate this breath mint.
I think your shirt/blouse is too loud.
I don't think red is your best color.
I think you're making a mistake by hiding your beautiful hair
in that awful hairdo.
Notice that all of these negative comments are "I"
statements, which are less likely to offend someone. Sharing
something negative soon after meeting a person can be risky. It's
worth it, however, because it starts your relationship off on the
right foot. Injecting intimacy into a relationship after
dishonest patterns have developed is next to impossible. You may
find it particularly difficult to share something negative with
people who attract you strongly for fear of losing them. Actually
those are the people with whom you most need to risk intimacy.
FOUR LEVELS OF SELF-DISCLOSURE
There are four types of information you can reveal about
yourself.
1. Basic facts. This information is open to just about anybody.
Normally you don't keep any of it secret. Included in this
category are things like your name, where you work, the town
where you live, the type of car you drive, your political
affiliation, etc.
2. Personal facts. You don't want to reveal this information to
everyone. Being fired from a job, flunking school, or
resisting the draft may be personal facts. If you're self-
conscious about your age or weight, they too fall into this
category.
3. Past feelings. Your emotions are usually much more personal
and intimate than facts. It is usually easiest to share
feelings from the past, since you are now a different person
to some extent and past feelings may now be somewhat
obsolete. Nevertheless, sharing how you felt at various times
in your life under varying situations can be an important way
of revealing yourself. Your feelings towards parents,
siblings, other relatives, friends, bosses, subordinates, ex-
spouses, and past lovers can still be very important (even if
some of them are dead and no longer play an active role in
your life).
4. Present feelings. These are usually more personal than those
from the past. They are, therefore, more difficult to share.
It's much easier to say "I used to feel angry" than to say "I
feel angry now." Also, it's easier to say, "I feel bitter
towards my parents" than to say, "I feel bitter towards you."
Remember, though, that the more difficult it is to reveal
your feelings, the greater the increase of intimacy if you do
so. While all four levels deepen intimacy, the crucial one is
the last. Unfortunately, even after we feel close to people,
we often limit ourselves to past feelings that have lost a
great deal of their emotional charge. For example, "I was
really mad at you last night when you were late" or "I was
overwhelmed with love towards you when I saw you teach your
daughter how to ride her bike." It's vital not to miss
opportunities to share important feelings in the here and
now, even if you feel a little vulnerable or embarrassed.
Revealing your feelings later may be safer, but doesn't lead
to much closeness.
COMPLETE MESSAGES
A major obstacle to intimacy is only expressing part of a message.
Ideally you share all of the following: 1) your view of the facts; 2)
your opinions; 3) your feelings;4) your needs and desires. For
example, you tell your date, "It's getting late. " This is only the
tip of the iceberg. You're hoping that your date will get the message
that you want to go home. If he/she is having a good time at the
party, however, you may not get your needs met. You will probably wind
up having to nag continuously for the next half hour, giving your date
the silent treatment, or being hostile and cold on the ride home.
Wouldn't it be wiser to share some of the following items?
Facts: It's midnight. I'm planning on getting up at 6 a.m.
Opinions: This is a boring party. All of the interesting
people have gone home. If I don't get home soon,
I'll feel tired and cranky all day.
Feelings: I feel bored and tired. I'm angry that you're
enjoying yourself at a party I find dull. I'm
afraid of how I'm going to feel tomorrow.
Needs: I need to go home soon and go to bed.
Another example is telling your date, "The food at that restaurant
is kind of fattening." You're hoping your date will read between the
lines and suggest another restaurant. If he/she doesn't get the
message, you may end up eating at a place where you hate the food.
You'll then feel resentful towards your date for not reading your mind
and suggesting a better restaurant. It would be better to share some
of the following information.
Opinions: The diet menu at that restaurant is tasteless. All
of the delicious food has too many calories.
Feelings: I hate that restaurant.
Desires: I want to go to another restaurant.
A third example of incomplete messages is telling your lover, "I
resent your unwillingness to make love tonight." Your partner is
likely to react in one of the following ways: I) make love to you
listlessly or resentfully; 2) refuse to make love and feel guilty. In
either case, you're probably not going to get your needs met. Consider
the option of sharing the following information.
Facts: That sexy movie we saw tonight really turned me on.
Opinions: I'm going to have a hard time sleeping tonight
unless we make love.
Needs: I need to make love.
The beauty of sharing this information is that your lover knows
what is going on inside of you. A lover who cares for you and isn't
overly tired, drunk or apathetic probably will either attempt to
satisfy you sexually or explain why that's not possible tonight.
RULES FOR INTIMACY
1. Don't expect people to know what you think, feel or need.
This is called Mindreading, a power that none of us have. No
one is responsible for reading your mind. Your obligation is
to share what is going on inside of your head or suffer the
consequences.
2. Never assume you understand each other. There's an old joke
that when you assume, you make an ass of u and me. Unless
you're sure you have communicated clearly and effectively
with one another, check things out. Don't be afraid of
appearing foolish by repeating what you said if you suspect
your friend may have missed your meaning. Better to be
redundant than misunderstood. Likewise, don't be too
embarrassed to ask your partner to repeat something.
We're all imperfect speakers and listeners. Also, we often
use the same words to convey different meanings. It's nor
surprising, therefore, that miscommunication frequently
occurs. Don't trust to chance. Your relationships are too
precious for that.
3. Express your feelings at appropriate times. For example,
don't express your anger towards people after they've just
been fired or discovered that a close relative died. Express
your emotions at a time when the other person is going to be
willing and able to hear and understand you.
4. Express heavy feelings privately. Most people feel very
embarrassed if you discuss personal things in front of
others, particularly if you're criticizing them or expressing
hostility. Wait until you're alone.
5. Avoid asking questions when you're really making a statement.
Don't ask: Do you really want to make love tonight?
When you mean: I don't want to make love tonight.
Don't ask: Do you think this suit looks good on me?
When you mean: I'm afraid I'm getting fat.
Don't ask: Do you love me?
When you mean: I'm afraid that I'm losing you.
Don't ask: Do you have to go out with the boys tonight?
When you mean: I feel lonely tonight and would really
appreciate your company.
Don't ask: Do you think he's good looking?
When you mean: I'm afraid you find him to be more attractive
than I.
6. Avoid double messages. For example, your lover asks,
"Wouldn't it be great if we got married?" You reply, "I want
to get married soon. By the way, did I tell you I may be laid
off?" Here you're afraid to tell your lover that you don't
want to get married so you mention the possibility of hard
times ahead financially. You are conveying a contradictory,
double message: I want to get married/I don't want to get
married. If your lover only gets the message that you want to
get married, you may end up being pressured into a marriage
you don't want or having to explain later to a resentful
partner why you're breaking your commitment. You'll both be
happier in the long run if you communicate the truth: you
don't want to be married.
Another example is telling your lover, "I'm really turned on
to you tonight. I sure wish I didn't have to get up early
tomorrow." Here you don't have the courage to tell your lover
that you don't want to make love, so you point out how
inconvenient it would be for you. You are hoping this will
get you off the hook. If your ploy doesn't work, you probably
are going to be stuck with having sex and resenting it.
DEALING WITH NEGATIVE FEELINGS
"If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all."
Unfortunately, many of us were raised with this proverb. Invariably we
have negative feelings. There are several things you can do with them.
1. You can ignore them. This doesn't do any good. Feelings don't
disappear--they just go underground. The frequent result is
that you become irritated or depressed. You may feel dead or
apathetic towards your friends, relatives and lovers. You
also may suffer from anxiety, fear, or psychosomatic
symptoms. These include ulcers, colds, aches, pains and
illnesses. You may also eat, drink or take drugs excessively.
In other words, the quality of your health and relationships
both go down if you fail to acknowledge your true feelings.
2. You can complain to others rather than the person who upsets
you. This course has the advantage of making you feel better
(you get negative feelings off your chest). Unfortunately, it
doesn't change the offensive behavior. People will continue
to act in ways that irritate you and you will continue to
feel angry. An added disadvantage is that people may find out
that you're complaining behind their backs and justifiably
feel hostile towards you. Then they are even less willing to
change their behavior.
3. You can blow them away with your hostility (otherwise known
as the "howitzer technique"). Dumping tremendous amounts of
anger, criticism, and guilt seldom accomplishes anything
constructive. If you succeed in tearing down their egos they
will resent you all the more and resist change.
4. You can express your negative thoughts and feelings in a
healthy constructive way. The result is that you get the
feelings off your chest and increase the possibility that the
person will change. Most importantly, the level of intimacy
goes up in your relationship.
One way to learn how to deal with negative emotions is to study
what not to do. If your goal were to hurt people, provoke fights, or
get them to close themselves emotionally to you, here are the secrets:
1. Scream and yell. The louder the better.
2. Use foul language.
3. Make personal insults. The more names you call them and the lower the
blows, the better. If possible, include their parents and friends.
4. Make threatening gestures with your fists or objects. Kitchen knives
are great props.
5. Give a long list of criticisms. No negative quality or fault should be
overlooked.
6. Refer to other incidents that have upset you and add them to your
immediate complaints. The longer you've known them the more ammunition
you should be able to dredge up from the past.
7. Hit 'em where it hurts. Concentrate on particularly painful areas of
vulnerability. If they've been foolish enough to share their
inadequacies or guilts, put special emphasis there.
8. Sarcasm is extremely effective.
9. Be brutally honest. There is a mean way and a nice way to say anything.
Go out of your way to be vicious and then be sure to point out that "if
the shoe fits, wear it."
Assuming you would prefer to be more loving and relate effectively
with others, you may prefer to express negative emotions in as
pleasant of a way as possible:
Instead of saying, "You're ugly," say "I'm not turned on to
you. "
Instead of saying, "You're fat," say "I like slimmer people."
Instead of saying, "You're all wrinkled," say "I like people
who look younger."
Instead of saying, "You dress like a clown," say "Your colors
don't match."
Instead of saying, "You're a basket case," say "I hope you're
successful in overcoming some of your problems."
Instead of saying, "You're very lazy," say "I know you have
trouble getting motivated to do things."
Notice that both ways of saying things are honest. The only
difference is that one is more kind and loving than the other.
HOW YOUR ACT PREVENTS INTIMACY
Being genuine is perhaps the greatest challenge in life. We have a
tendency to devote much of our time "proving" our value to others. For
example, Joan is a 22 year old skiing instructor. A good part of her
conversation is usually devoted to boasting of all the men she has
wrapped around her little finger. No one ever gets to know the real
Joan--the one who has painful doubts about her physical attractiveness
to men.
Martin is a 62 year old realtor. He constantly talks about how
well his business is doing "while everyone else is going under." The
real Martin is hidden--the part that fears his business will flop
because he's a loser.
Rita is a 34 year old divorcee. She conceals her fear of frigidity
by boasting of how passionate and uninhibited she is in bed. No one
succeeds in penetrating her act and getting to know the real Rita.
John is a 29 year old electrician. His father is a college
professor. He's the black sheep in the family because he's the only
one who never went to college. In conversations, John always gets
around to talking about the latest book he's reading, the fantastic
documentary he saw on PBS, or the heavy message of the film he saw
last night (naturally, a film with sub-titles). In reality, John hates
to read and loves television situation comedies. No one ever finds
this out.
Gail is a 53 year old supervisor. She pretends to be the most
amiable person you'll ever meet. In her office, however, she's a
tyrant who loves to run roughshod over the feelings of her
subordinates, particularly men. She feels guilty about this and is
careful to hide her dark side from friends with a sweetness and spice
act. Consequently, no one ever makes intimate contact with her.
These are only a few examples of how we try to conceal our
negative qualities in order to gain approval from others. What act is
your favorite? The easiest way to find out is to ask yourself, what is
the one impression I most fear making when I meet someone? Your act is
probably built around pretending to be the opposite of one of the
following qualities:
1. stupid
2. unattractive
3. puritanical
4. promiscuous
5. depressed
6. anxious
7. incompetent
8. mentally unbalanced
9. boring
10. silly
11. too serious
12. selfish
13. cheap
14. unfriendly
Watch your next few conversations with new people. If you're
honest with yourself, you'll likely notice that you often are a broken
record, constantly repeating the same stories and facts in an effort
to pull the wool over people's eyes and convince them that you are
someone you're not. The antidote to this phoniness is simple:
1. Admit to yourself that you are not your act (e.g., you really
aren't learned, sexy, brilliant, Marilyn Monroe, Florence
Nightingale, Mother Teresa, Billy Graham, David Rockefeller,
Tom Selleck or whomever or whatever you're pretending to be).
2. Tell people about your tendency to pretend to be the opposite
of what you really are. Ask them to try to catch you each
time you do this and point it out. Explain that you're tired
of performing and want to make real contact with them.
Sometimes your act may not involve boasting or making a good
impression. On the contrary, you may run yourself down and play one or
more of the following roles: adultress, wanton woman, ignoramus,
dummy, plain jane, Attila the Hun, liar, thief, pervert, neurotic.
These negative roles are no more genuine than the positive ones. For
example, Brenda is a 53 year old cafeteria worker. Her role is that of
loser. She turns off almost all of the men she meets with her hour-
long monologues about her physical, psychological, social and sexual
problems. She does this to arouse sympathy and so no one will have
high expectations of her.
1. She bores the people she meets.
2. She is as likely to receive their contempt as their sympathy.
3. She is uni-dimensional; all that people see is her loser image.
4. She rarely makes good contact with men.
Bob is a 48 year old window washer. His role is that of the
incompetent bumbler who can't do anything for himself. He can't cook,
shop, clean house, etc. Actually Bob is reasonably adept at all these
things but hopes to attract a mother type who will take care of him.
Rather than just express that need honestly, he wastes a great deal of
his time playing the helpless role with women.
How do you run yourself down? What stories do you constantly
repeat that show you in a bad light? As suggested earlier, tell your
friends about your tendency to put on an act and ask them to reinforce
your attempts to be more genuine with them.
ARMOR
One of the most common acts is that of being so tough that nothing
can harm you. If you play this role, the reason probably is that you
are really very vulnerable to how people think and behave. Your act is
designed to reassure you that you're not in danger. It also protects
you from personal attacks, since "no one would dare attack somebody
invulnerable like me."
The price you pay is that you must repress or hide all of your
hurt feelings. These emotions don't disappear, however. They fester
underneath the surface and trouble you until you deal with them
honestly. In the meantime, no one is able to reach the vulnerable
inner you. They remain at arm's length and you never achieve the
intimacy you claim to want so badly.
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EXERCISE
Write down recent incidents when you concealed your hurt feelings
from people. Tell each of them fully about the incident(s) and explain
that the reason you acted as you did was to cover up your
vulnerability.
Make an effort to share your fears, disappointments and
frustrations with others. The more often you do this the easier it
will become. Eventually you will get to the point where it's useless
to hide your vulnerability because your friends and relatives already
know about it. You will have "graduated" when you are able to let
people know when you feel hurt as it is actually happening.
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FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS
Often we run ourselves down in order to encourage others to
compliment us by disagreeing. For example, Mary successfully spends
five hours making herself look gorgeous. She turns to her date and
says, "I'm so jealous of all the beautiful women at this dance." The
man naturally reassures her by remarking on how beautiful her face,
hair and clothes
Another example: John mentions how embarrassing it is that his
business "only" made $100,000 this year. His girlfriend dutifully
replies that he is far more successful than most men.
The purpose of fishing for compliments is to avoid having to make
them yourself and appear conceited. It is certainly true that you take
a risk when you say positive things about yourself. Some people,
particularly those with low self-esteem, may be offended if you appear
to have a high opinion of yourself. That is their hangup. There is
nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself and sharing this with
others. If you only talk about your limitations, you are not giving
people a complete picture of who you are. To be open means to share
the positive as well as the negative. If you are afraid of being a
braggart, ask yourself the following four questions:
1. Do I lie about myself to improve my image?
2. Do I exaggerate my good qualities?
3. Do I conceal or deny my errors and negative qualities?
4. Do I recite my good points ad nauseam?
Unless you habitually engage in these activities, don't worry
about conceit. Share all of you, the good and the bad, and enjoy the
resulting intimacy.
----------------------
LIES WE TELL OURSELVES
----------------------
Intimacy with others requires intimacy with yourself. Otherwise,
you will withhold important information about your thoughts and
feelings because you are unaware of them. For example, Jill is a 20
year old lab technician. "My boyfriend, Sam, keeps asking me who I am.
It's so irritating! He's always sharing his feelings with me and
getting upset when I don't do the same. I tell him that I'm not
holding back any secrets--that I'm telling him everything I know about
myself."
Unfortunately, Jill is probably telling the truth. She really
isn't holding anything back--from her boyfriend. She is concealing
things from herself, however. Sam rightfully feels frustrated. The
possibility of intimacy with Jill is seriously limited. Jill needs to
become intimate with herself so she can share vital information with
the men she meets.
Morgan is a 38 year old minister. "Jeanette, my last girlfriend,
can be quite cruel. I was very intolerant of her at times when she was
in a bitchy mood and unkind towards others. We used to get into big
fights over this. She'd scream, 'Mind your own business!' Now that
we're no longer together, I've had time to look at things calmly and
rationally. I can see that the reason I was so intolerant of Jeanette
was because I'm often cruel with people myself. I've been avoiding
this truth for years."
There is an old cliche that we hate in others that which we hate
most in ourselves. One way to become intimate with yourself is to
observe what you find distasteful in others.
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EXERCISE
1. List your closest friends and relatives.
2. Next to each name, write down the five things you dislike
most about them.
3. Now do the same for past love affairs. What were the five
things you disliked most about your lovers?
4. Which of these qualities do you have yourself? A word of
caution: your natural inclination will be to deny that you
have any of these faults. Remember the proverb, however,
"where there's smoke, there's fire." Why do these qualities
upset you so much?
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EVADING REALITY
The worst lies are those we tell ourselves. While it's a myth that
ostriches bury their heads in the sand when they are afraid,
figuratively, this is what humans often do. When we're under stress or
experience pain, we have a tendency to deny reality. Psychologists
refer to defense mechanisms which enable us to avoid painful truths.
Below are the eight most common ways we do this.
1. Repression. This is where you "blot out" painful thoughts and
thrust them into your subconscious. For example, Jay is a 46
year old air force officer who refuses to acknowledge that he
gets women drunk in order to engage in casual sex with them.
Whenever women later accuse him of exploiting them, he erases
the criticism from his consciousness in order to maintain his
self-esteem.
2. Rationalization. This is where you avoid reality with "good
reasons". For example, Mary is a college student who is
ashamed of still being a virgin at age 23. She frequently
dates but always refuses to have sex. Each time she gives
herself a different excuse: I have to get up early tomorrow;
I'm too tired; He'll think I'm cheap; He's just a Casanova.
The truth that Mary is evading is that, unlike her roommate,
she doesn't feel comfortable with the new morality.
3. Intellectualization. Here you avoid an unpleasant emotion by
analyzing and experiencing it as a thought rather than a
feeling. For example, Phil is a 48 year old businessman who
is bitterly upset over losing his girlfriend. He escapes the
pain by analyzing how he feels and describing his pain in
abstract terms, thereby losing contact with the emotion.
4. Fantasy. Here you make believe that you are different than
you really are. For example, David is an 18 year old bicycle
repairman. He feels tongue-tied and shy around women and
seldom has a date. Rather than confront his problem he
pretends that he is suave and sophisticated and that the
reason he doesn't succeed with women is because "chicks have
no taste."
5. Projection. This is where you accuse others of having
thoughts, desires or feelings that actually are your own. For
example, Sophia is a 28 year old woman who has never married.
She calls her "friend" Francine a slut behind her back for
occasionally engaging in casual sex. Actually, Sophia has one
night stands, also. She avoids labeling herself as a "wanton
woman" by accusing Francine.
6. Blaming. Darlene is a 30 year old divorcee. She blames her
children for her failure to remarry. If only they had been
better behaved and nicer to her boyfriends, one of them would
have married her. Actually, the true problem is her rotten
disposition. After her disagreeable personality emerges in a
relationship, her boyfriends dump her, as did her husband.
Another example is Jan, a 35 year old divorced man. He has
difficulty maintaining an erection because he drinks too
much. He blames his girlfriend, Ellen, for being a "lousy
lay". He thereby avoids facing the problem of his own
impotence.
7. Reaction formation. This is where you avoid acknowledging
shameful parts of yourself by acting just the opposite. For
example, Reggie is a 34 year old unemployed blue collar
worker who has a "Don Juan complex". He has been repressing
homosexual urges for many years and avoids facing the truth
about his sexual orientation by sleeping with numerous women
each year, even if he finds them unattractive.
8. Denial. Here you are evading reality by refusing to admit
obvious facts. For example, Sue is a 39 year old commercial
photographer. She refuses to acknowledge the fact that she is
showing signs of aging. Her hair is graying, her breasts and
other parts are sagging, and she has gained a few pounds. She
still sees herself as a beautiful young woman in her twenties
rather than as a still attractive person who is approaching
middle age.
These are only some of the ways we avoid reality. It would be nice
if lying to yourself worked--if you could actually avoid pain through
self-deception. Unfortunately, no matter how hard you try, you can
never fully submerge the truth. Somewhere deep in your subconscious
you retain the hidden facts. Inevitably the truth slips out and you
must constantly re-deceive yourself in order to keep it down.
Shakespeare once wrote that a "coward dies a thousand deaths--a brave
man but once." Nowhere is this more true than with lying to yourself.
A woman who knows she is plain-looking may attempt to deceive herself
into believing that she is beautiful. She may resort to sleeping with
countless men in an effort to prove her sexual attractiveness. How
much happier she would be if she faced the reality of her lack of
beauty, however painful it might temporarily be. Instead, she spends
the rest of her life vainly attempting to fool herself.
Another problem that arises when you deny reality is that it
prevents you from making important changes. So long as you refuse to
face a problem, it will persist and you will have to experience the
pain that accompanies it. For example, a woman can deny that her
husband no longer loves her but this doesn't change the fact that she
is unloved. So long as she denies reality, she is unable to change her
marriage and get her emotional needs met.
How can you stop lying to yourself and learn to face reality?
First, you must become aware of the fact that reality cannot be denied
and that the price of self-deception is misery. The next step is to
catch yourself in the act of lying. This is not easy. After spending
many years avoiding reality, you probably are quite adept at it. Only
by patient self examination can you uncover your self-deception. The
next time you feel uncomfortable, psychologically ask yourself, "What
am I hiding from myself?" This is not to say that psychological pain
is necessarily a sign of self-deception, but only that it is a time
when you are most tempted to avoid reality.
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EXERCISE
1. List all of the criticisms, complaints, and insults you can
remember receiving that have bothered you. Each of us has a
long list of gripes we have heard from others that make us
uncomfortable. The only reason they bother us is because to
some extent we believe they are true. A truly ridiculous
criticism like, "You're too fat" will slide right off a
skinny person. "You're a lousy tennis player" wouldn't have
much of an effect on Jimmy Connors.
After you have listed all of the insults that make you feel
touchy, you are in a beautiful position to uncover self-
deception. If you are a normal person, for years you have
been repressing, rationalizing, intellectualizing, denying,
or otherwise avoiding these truths about yourself. How
liberating it would be to say, "yes, it's true that I have a
bad temper" or "yes, I do sometimes act recklessly," rather
than spend a lifetime lying to yourself
2. For each negative comment about yourself on your list, ask
yourself, "Am I trying to avoid reality through:
* Repression (blotting out reality and thrusting painful
thoughts into my subconscious?
* Rationalization (convincing myself that something I know
to be false is actually true?
* Intellectualization (killing my emotions by analyzing
and experiencing them as thoughts rather than feelings)?
* Fantasy (making believe I'm different than who I really
am)?
* Projection (accusing others of having thoughts, desires,
or feelings that actually are my own)?
* Blame (blaming others for my problems)?
* Reaction formation (avoiding knowledge of shameful
things about myself by acting just the opposite)?
* Denial (refusing to admit the facts)?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Sensitivity to criticism doesn't necessarily mean that the
criticism is valid. Quite often if you study a troublesome insult, you
discover that it isn't correct. If, after honest evaluation, you
conclude that you aren't "too selfish" or "inconsiderate" or
"incompetent" or "dumb", you will be less sensitive the next time you
are insulted.
Some of the lies that singles tell themselves are particularly
detrimental to developing loving relationships with the opposite sex.
Single men frequently deceive themselves with the following
statements.
1. I'm here to meet women. If you tell yourself this lie, you
claim you want to meet women, yet at social events all you do
is eat, drink, talk to men or talk to women you find
unattractive (and, therefore, safe). If you truly are there
to meet women, you will do exactly that. Instead, you lie to
yourself and thereby avoid the need to overcome your fear of
meeting women.
2. Women only want one thing. Supposedly the one thing that all
women want is money. If you are afraid of initiating contact
with women, you may use this lie as an excuse for shyness. It
is true that many women consider money to be a major priority
when meeting men but it's also true that many of them are not
terribly concerned about a man's financial status. If you are
a man of modest means, your job is to locate this second type
of woman and initiate contact, rather than lie to yourself.
3. Women are all bitches. Here you are attempting to justify
your ineffectiveness in relationships with women. You don't
have to own up to your own shortcomings if women are
naturally sickening. It is true that many women (like men)
have rotten dispositions. It is also true, however, that
there are more who are sweet and lovable. Your task is to
separate the wheat from the chaff. Lying to yourself only
impedes this process.
Women are equally adept at lying to themselves. Some of their
favorite lies follow.
1. I'm here to meet men. If you tell yourself this lie, you
claim you want to meet someone nice and then do everything in
your power to prevent this from happening. You purposely seat
yourself away from all the action (where the men are). You
surround yourself with women. You refuse to make eye contact
with any of the men across the room who may gaze or smile at
you. And, of course, you never, never initiate contact with
men. Then you can't understand why you never meet anyone!
2. All men are bastards. This is no more true than the male
counterpart: all women are bitches. It does provide an
excuse, however, for staying home or avoiding contact with
me. It is important to face the reality that a man is not a
"bastard" because:
* he falls out of love with you
* he tires of you
* he gets angry
* he is critical of your faults
* he leaves you for someone else more attractive
* he is attracted to other women
* he doesn't meet your needs
* he doesn't live up to your expectations.
Every man (just as every woman) has the right to be himself
and work to meet his own needs. His obligations to you are
secondary.
3. I will reform him. It's amazing how many women marry
alcoholics, wife-beaters or other losers expecting to reform
them, as if a wedding ring bestows magical powers. "All he
needs is a good woman" is the battle cry. In reality,
husbands have the same shortcomings as they did before they
walked down the aisle. If anything, his irritating qualities
are likely to become more intolerable as each year goes by
and your patience wears thinner.
Most men (as well as women) are either unable or unwilling to
change their negative qualities. Your encouragement and
assistance may help him make changes, but the odds are
against significant reform. One thing is sure: your nagging
and complaining will only make matters worse. You will join
the millions of miserable, antagonistic couples who are
constantly fighting the losing battle of remaking people.
4. White charger. With this lie, you claim that all the men you
meet are losers, but somewhere out there is the man who is
handsome, strong, wealthy, witty, faithful, and flawless.
Those men do not exist. If you expect the man on the white
charger to come along, you are in for a long, lonely wait.
5. Men only want one thing. Men don't only want sex. "Playboys"
are like everyone else: they want love, intimacy, joy and
security. They also want sex, but that isn't unusual for
human beings. Casual sex is an important priority to many men
but only a small percentage feel satisfied with sex alone.
Claiming that men only want one thing can provide you with
the excuse to be cold, withdrawn and defensive with them.
Like the other lies in this chapter, it can insure that you
never meet someone special.
SELF-ESTEEM
Earlier exercises in this chapter will help you become more
intimate with yourself, but they don't strike at the root cause of
self-deception: a lack of self-esteem. Society teaches us to strive to
be better than we are. Success, achievement, ambition, self-
actualization and reaching for your potential are all glorified by our
culture. Being satisfied with who you are is not so highly regarded.
The next exercise will enable you to determine how dissatisfied you
are with yourself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EXERCISE
Mark a check next to each statement with which you agree:
[ ] I should be a better person.
[ ] I should be more ethical.
[ ] I should be more talented.
[ ] I should be more loving.
[ ] I should be more successful.
[ ] I should be harder working.
[ ] I should be more dependable.
[ ] I should be more interesting.
[ ] I should be better educated.
[ ] I should make more money.
[ ] I should be a better lover.
[ ] I should be married.
[ ] I should be more intelligent.
[ ] I should be a better son/daughter.
[ ] I should be a better mother/father.
[ ] I should have a better personality.
[ ] I should be more honest.
[ ] I should be more loyal.
[ ] I should be more generous.
[ ] I should be more attractive.
[ ] I should be better coordinated.
[ ] I should lose weight.
[ ] I should exercise more.
[ ] I should follow the advice in this book.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Where do all your "shoulds" come from? Originally you got them
from your parents:
I should clean my plate.
I should be a good boy/girl.
I should do my homework.
I should get good grades.
Later you picked up obligations from your relatives, friends,
teachers, priests/ministers/rabbis, gurus, bosses, fellow employees,
lovers, spouses, children, strangers, and, of course, society at
large.
One tragedy is that frequently the shoulds are contradictory: mom
wants you to be a doctor, dad wants you to be a football player or
ballerina; one lover wants you to be more aggressive, the other more
passive; one friend accuses you of being too selfish, the other
criticizes your over generosity. In other words, trying to live up to
the expectations of others is a no-win situation.
Some of the shoulds you learn are impossible:
I should be perfect.
I should always tell the truth.
I should never be selfish.
I should always win.
Sometimes people manipulate you with shoulds so that you serve
their interests rather than your own:
You should visit your mother every day.
You should earn more money (so I can have a new car).
You should get a college degree (so I can brag to my friends
about you).
You can spend the rest of your life vainly trying to live up to
all the expectations and goals others have established for you (or you
have set for yourself). A wiser course is to dump all the shoulds and
accept yourself as you are.
I learned this lesson one weekend several years ago at Esalen, the
world-famous growth center in California. I greatly admired a middle-
aged gentleman in the group who had a very positive air about him. At
the end of the weekend, I complimented him on his self-esteem and was
shocked by his answer. "I don't think highly of myself. I am well
aware of my many shortcomings and don't let them bother me. I am happy
being exactly who I am."
This self-acceptance, not achievement or change, is the key to
self-esteem. Give up trying to be what you are not and just accept who
you are. There's nothing wrong with trying to change things for the
better--as long as you don't feel obligated to do so. There's nothing
wrong with striving to become a better person--as long as this is not
a condition for self-esteem. Self-improvement is good--if it is built
on a core of self-acceptance.
As a former hard-driving, perfectionistic, self-critical
individual I can testify to the debilitating effect these qualities
can have on self-esteem. Learn to accept yourself unconditionally:
whether you are sinner or saint, scholar or ignoramus, good-looking or
homely. Accept yourself and you have achieved the highest good you can
attain.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
EXERCISE
Make a list of all of your negative qualities. Be very specific.
If necessary, look at the list of shoulds earlier in this chapter. If
you are unable to come up with dozens of shortcomings, call up your
parents, relatives, friends, etc. They will be able to double or
triple the size of your list. When you have a list that is
sufficiently large (or you run out of ink), read each quality slowly
and ask yourself, "Can I live with myself if I am like this for the
rest of my life?" If you can answer yes to each item on your list, you
have the world by the tail. If not, write down the following preface
for each negative quality on your list: "I have the right to be
_______________" For example, "I have the right to be unreliable."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Self-esteem does more than enable you to become intimate with
yourself and, therefore, others. It is crucial to meeting someone
special for two reasons. First, if you value yourself, others are more
likely to find you attractive. Bad-mouthing yourself is
infectious--people will believe you if you claim to be inferior.
Secondly, self-esteem gives you the confidence to go after people you
find attractive. It makes you feel you deserve to be in a relationship
with an attractive person, also. Even if you are rejected, your self-
esteem will enable you to shrug off a momentary setback and continue
to initiate contact with attractive people.
Years ago, I did graduate work on self-esteem and developed
exercises for use with children in the classroom. The exercises
involved discovering your good points, listing them on paper and
sharing them with others. I have resisted the temptation to share
these exercises with you because I believe they have a self-defeating
premise: that you have to be "good" in order to have self-esteem.
What's so bad about being bad? In other words, why not just be
yourself and not worry about it?
------------------
GAMES SINGLES PLAY
------------------
Since most of us place a great premium on openness, honesty, and
intimacy, why is there so much dishonesty between men and women?
According to behaviorist theory, we all tend to do things for which we
are rewarded and tend not to do that for which we are punished. If
this is true then the reason for so much dishonesty is that we are
punished when we tell the truth and rewarded when we lie. We can all
think of examples: the man who tells a woman the truth, that he only
wants a casual sexual relationship, is likely to go home alone; the
man who lies and tells her he loves her is likely to win a bed
partner. The flat-chested woman may go unnoticed at a party; the woman
wearing "falsies" has a much greater chance of attracting attention.
If you find yourself writing off the opposite sex because they're
all playing too many games, you need to learn to be more tolerant of
dishonesty. A first step is to admit that we all are liars--some of
the time. It's amazing how many people say that they never lie. Who do
they think they're fooling? Probably only themselves. They can't face
the fact that they are human beings and, therefore, lie just like
everyone else. People who freely admit to being fat, lousy listeners,
or unreliable, will not admit that they are sometimes dishonest.
Most people lie when they are frightened or when it enables them
to achieve an important objective, such as money, sex, or love. To
expect people to do otherwise is to "dream the impossible dream." This
makes for good theater but doesn't often happen in relationships.
Completing the next exercise will give you a good picture of how
honest you are.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EXERCISE
1. I tell the complete truth on my income tax forms (a) always
____ (b) most of the time ____ (c) seldom ____
2. When people ask my opinion about their haircuts or clothing,
I tell the truth (a) almost always ____ (b) most of the time
____ (c) seldom ____
3. When people ask if I enjoyed the dinner, movie, concert, etc.
they arranged for us to experience, I answer truthfully (a)
almost always ____ (b) most of the time ____ (c) seldom ____
4. When people ask about my feelings towards them, I am honest
(a) almost always ____ (b) most of the time ____ (c) seldom
____
5. I share my anger with those around me (a) almost always ____
(b) most of the time ____ (c) seldom ____
6. I share my depression with those around me (a) almost always
____ (b) most of the time ____ (c) seldom ____
7. I share my shame or embarrassment with those around me (a)
almost always ____ (b) most of the time ____ (c) seldom ____
8. I share my fears with those around me (a) almost always ____
(b) most of the time ____ (c) seldom ____
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What is your reaction to the information you just learned about
yourself? Is it embarrassing? If you're having a difficult time
accepting your dishonesty, perhaps it will help to adopt the following
policy: Everyone has the right to lie about themselves. In other
words, you are not obligated to share your true feelings or reveal
information about yourself. Lying about other things may be morally
reprehensible, but lying about yourself is your inalienable right.
Having the right to lie doesn't mean that it's always to your
advantage to be dishonest. As a general rule, the more you are
authentic and share your thoughts and feelings, the more comfortable
you are likely to feel, the healthier you are likely to be and the
more intimacy you will develop in your relationships. When you lie,
you tend to become uptight, feel frustrated and lower your level of
intimacy. Your lies keep you apart from others, never feeling known
and understood, never feeling total trust. The degree of honesty in a
relationship is quite often a gauge of its quality.
Honesty is not always the best policy, however. It's puzzling that
so many unfaithful men and women tell their spouses or lovers about
their infidelity. Unless the couple has an agreement that each can
step out on the other (in which case, they're not really being
unfaithful), such a policy is frequently suicidal for the
relationship. For better or worse, most of us can't handle infidelity.
The Simenauer & Carroll survey discovered that three-quarters of
singles considered infidelity to be grounds for ending a relationship.
If you desire more honesty in your relationships, there are two
secrets: I) be as honest as possible yourself; 2) reward others when
they are honest with you. Each time you punish people who tell you the
truth (for example, by being angry), you increase the chances that
they will lie to you the next time. The following exercise will enable
you to discover how accepting you are of the truth.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EXERCISE
Even if people speak to me in a respectful manner and are not
trying to hurt me, I still feel angry when they tell me:
1. They are upset or angry with me. (a) almost always ____ (b)
often ____ (c) seldom ____
2. They don't like what I'm wearing. (a) almost always ____ (b)
often ____ (c) seldom ____
3. They don't like my new haircut, hairstyle, or hair coloring.
(a) almost always ____ (b) often ____ (c) seldom ____
4. They think I am overweight, below average in physical
appearance, or unattractive in some way. (a) almost always
____ (b) often ____ (c) seldom ____
5. They criticize something I've done. (a) almost always ____
(b) often ____ (c) seldom ____
6. They mention some ability or talent I lack. (a) almost always
____ (b) often ____ (c) seldom ____
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If you marked almost always or often to several of these items,
people are likely to tell you want you want to hear, rather than the
truth. They either lie or withhold truths that they feel you can't
handle.
The ironic thing about requiring honesty is that even if you did
meet someone totally honest, you probably couldn't handle it. You live
in a society where you are usually cushioned from the negative
thoughts and feelings people have towards you. You might not enjoy
overdosing on the truth.
What are some of the dishonest games singles play? Some of the
more common ones follow.
CATCH YOU NEXT TIME
This is a game both sexes love to play. Suppose a man and woman
meet by chance and establish immediate rapport. After talking, eating
or dancing together for an hour or two, the moment of truth arrives
when they will separate. The man and woman face each other sheepishly,
each agonizing on whether or not to risk rejection by suggesting a
future meeting. One of them bravely makes a feeble pass: "It sure was
nice meeting you." The other person drops the ball by responding,
"Yeah, catch you next time."
If in the last 20 or more years you never saw this person before,
what are the odds that you'll bump into each other again? A golden
opportunity passes by because neither of you is willing to be honest.
Having the courage to initiate contact and good conversation skills
are not enough. All is wasted unless you're willing to take a chance
and ask to see the person again. If you wish, you may exchange phone
numbers but this is a risky process. Many singles fail to contact each
other after such a transfer. The best thing to do is set a definite
time and place to meet each other again (in other words, a date). If
people are unwilling to make a definite commitment to see you, chances
are the game being played is POSTPONEMENT. They really aren't
interested in you romantically and don't have the guts to tell you, so
they buy you off with a telephone number. The expectation is that
you'll never call. If you do call, you will hear numerous excuses for
not going out with you. Eventually you get the message but not until
after a great deal of frustration and a sense of rejection.
I have a policy that irritates many women. I don't accept the
phone numbers of women I meet who are unwilling to make a definite
commitment to get together again.I don't enjoy being rejected over the
telephone so I only call women I believe are genuinely interested in
me. If they are unwilling to set a date, I assume that the odds are
they find me unattractive. If they insist that they really do want to
get together with me again, I hand them my card and suggest that they
call me. They never do, which proves my point.
I'M PERFECT
If you play this game, you are convinced that if anyone really
knew you, the result would be rejection. It's true that revealing your
true self is risky--you often will be rejected. Hiding your faults and
appearing closed and phony are also likely to result in being turned
down, however. The wise course is to gradually reveal negative parts
of yourself along with putting your best foot forward.
GAMES MEN PLAY WITH WOMEN
1. Wedding Ring. As pointed out earlier, married men frequently
take off their wedding rings in order to masquerade as single
men. Any woman who is victimized by a married man usually has
only herself to blame. Before going out with a guy, check him
out. You don't have to hire Jim Rockford to determine if he's
single. Just ask for his phone number so you can call him
before your first date. If a woman answers, don't hang up and
assume the worse. Find out if she's his daughter, mother or
platonic roommate.
2. Out of towner. Traveling salesmen, vacationers, or men at
business conventions sometimes pretend to be locals. Follow
the same advice as that for Wedding Ring. Ask for the man's
phone number and call him before your first date. If a hotel
or motel switchboard operator answers, you know that the guy
is from out of town and looking for a "quick score".
3. Doctor/Lawyer. Every man knows that mothers tell their
daughters to marry a doctor or lawyer. The temptation to be
an imposter is, therefore, great. Women can protect
themselves by asking where a man works and calling to verify.
You don't have to identify yourself when you call the man's
office. Get the verification you need and say goodbye.
4. Seduction. Men have perfected this game over thousands of
years. The most popular version is "I Thought You Loved
(Liked) Me." Here a woman is asked to prove her affection by
going to bed with a man. There is no automatic connection
between liking someone and having sex, but millions of women
have fallen for this line over the years. A woman has every
right to label this as emotional blackmail and refuse to do
anything she finds uncomfortable.
GAMES WOMEN PLAY WITH MEN
1. Women's Lib. Any women who claim to be liberated show their
true colors when the check arrives. Being liberated, as
Phyllis Schlafly is quick to point out, has its liabilities.
It would be wise for men to realize that we still live in a
sexist society and that old traditions die slowly. A woman's
actions speak more loudly than her words.
2. I Don't Go To Bed On The First Date. There are two common
variations to this game. The first is where the woman finds a
man unattractive or simply isn't in the mood for sex. Rather
than say so, she claims that she has a policy of not engaging
in casual sex. Men usually have no way of judging her
sincerity (since many women do genuinely follow this policy).
Most of them really don't care. The bottom line is that they
aren't going to get their sexual needs met that night, which
is what concerns them.
The second variation is where women use the same line but
break down and engage in sex anyway. Tom, a 30 year old
television repairman, provides this insight: "I always have
to bite my tongue to keep from laughing when I wake up in bed
with a woman and she proceeds to tell me that she doesn't
ever do this with other guys. I have no delusions about being
God's gift to women. I figure that if a chick sleeps with me
the first time we meet, she probably does the same with other
guys."
3. Hard to Get. The purpose of this game is to prove how
desirable you are by having men chase you. Besides being ego-
gratifying, this game supposedly has the advantage of meeting
a man's need for the thrill of conquest. Women who play this
game argue that men don't value women who come too easily.
This is often true, but consider the price you pay by playing
hard to get: all the men you lose who find you attractive but
aren't willing to pursue you.
4. Stand-up. A man shows up at a woman's door ready for an
enjoyable evening, only to find that she isn't there. I was
once victimized by this game and vowed never again. A man is
silly if he doesn't call to confirm a first date with a
woman.
You probably feel resentful when singles play these games with
you. The next chapter tells you how to deal with these and other
resentments.
-----------
RESENTMENTS
-----------
Resentments can sabotage your relationships if you think you're doing
all the right things but still aren't developing the loving
relationship you want, the culprit may be your resentments.
FEMALE RESENTMENTS
The first half of this chapter deals with female resentments. It's
important for men to read this half even though it is directed towards
women. Their anger (repressed or overt) is poisoning their
relationships with men like you. Read the resentments as objectively
as you can. "If the shoe fits, wear it." If you want to have
successful, happy relationships with women, it may be to your
advantage as well as theirs to own up to your shortcomings and attempt
to change.
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EXERCISE (for women only)
1. List all the things you can't stand about men. Be specific.
2. Next to each resentment, write down the names of ex-husbands
or ex-boyfriends who had these negative qualities.
3. Look at each resentment from a male perspective and see if
you can understand why some men act this way.
4. Again, looking at your list, determine your own role in
causing or encouraging men to act in these ways. Go down your
list and circle the resentments that you honestly expressed
to ex-lovers. Take responsibility for the uncircled
resentments. Men are not mind readers. Possibly if you had
complained to them (without nagging or hostility), they would
have been willing to change. Unless you shared your negative
feelings with them, you never gave them a chance.
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Each of the women quoted below has a different resentment.
Probably some of them are on your list. As you read them, try to
realize that resentments don't add anything to your life. They just
make it harder for you to connect with a loving man.
SHARI: "The thing I hate most about men is that they're only after
sex. I like sex but there are a lot of other important things, like
romance, intimacy, affection, good conversation. I'm not interested in
just being another notch on a guy's belt. I wish guys would drop their
high school scoring games and relate to women as people first and sex
objects second."
JULIE: "Why is it that every guy I meet wants to jump right into bed.
I like to get to know a guy first. There's nothing worse than waking
up in the morning next to some strange man and not even remember his
name."
It's true that men tend to glorify casual sex. They have been
conditioned to prove their manhood by "scoring" with different women.
Some anthropologists suggest that modern men satisfy their prehistoric
hunter's instinct by chasing and capturing women.
Whatever the reason, most men appear to be obsessed with casual
sex. Russell Clark, a Florida State professor, conducted experiments
where his male and female psychology students approached members of
the opposite sex and asked them, "Would you like to go to bed with
me?" Not a single woman said yes, while 75% of the men agreed to go to
bed with a complete stranger. Most of the men who rejected the offer
politely explained that they were married or in a serious
relationship.
It is normal to resent the male predilection for casual sex. It is
also futile. Men aren't going to change no matter how resentful you
feel. As long as they are conditioned to desire casual sex, that's the
way they're going to be. Rather than get upset, why not just accept
the harsh reality, like death and taxes? Just make sure that you don't
allow men to pressure you into something you won't enjoy.
ELAINE: "Guys are really gross. I'm not interested in hearing their
locker room talk. Somebody should clue them in on how to act around a
lady. What really burns me up is the strangers who ask me to dance and
then take liberties with me."
Men have been conditioned to believe that foul language is "manly"
so naturally they have a tendency to verbally show off their
masculinity. If a man's language offends you, tell him. The same holds
true for gross actions. If he persists, move away.
RHONDA: "I can't stand all the seduction games men play. You wouldn't
believe how many guys say they love me or tell me how special I am
after a 15 minute conversation. Five minutes later I hear them use the
same line on the next woman."
Many men try insincerity in the hopes of seducing women. They do
it because it works--many women are easy marks for a man who knows how
to flatter and tell them what they want to hear. The secret to dealing
with make-out artists is to spot them and get rid of them as soon as
possible so you can meet the many sincere men who want to get to know
you.
JUNE: "Isn't there anybody out there who still believes in romance?
What ever happened to giving a girl flowers or candlelight dinners or
bringing a nice bottle of wine?"
Let your boyfriends know that you appreciate a touch of romance.
Don't expect them to be mindreaders.
OPHELIA: "I can't stand guys who watch or talk sports 24 hours a day.
Have you ever watched a baseball game that's a no-hitter? It's got to
be the most boring way on earth to spend three hours! Football and
hockey have more action--but they're so violent. I can't understand
how anyone can be fascinated with the sight of some man beating
another guy's brains out. While we're on the subject, everybody knows
that men start all the wars. This world would be a lot better off if
women were in control."
Women frequently are mystified by men's glorification of sports,
violence and warfare. Just remember that if you had been raised as a
man, you'd probably feel the same way. Men can't understand how women
can "waste" hours shopping for new clothes, their fascination with
jewelry, and a host of other things.
JAMIE: "Men are too superficial. There's more to me than my physical
appearance and I resent guys who treat me as a sex object."
This indictment of men is well-taken, but think how you would feel
if men didn't find you to be attractive. Count your blessings.
BETSY: "Guys are too pushy. Why can't they take no for an answer?"
Many men were raised to believe that a woman automatically said no
to save her "honor," but really wanted sex as much as they did. They
learned to ignore the obligatory no until it turned into a yes.
Obviously they wouldn't persist in being pushy unless it works
sometimes. Alex is a 47 year old used car salesman. "I love it when my
dates tell me early in the evening that there's no way they're going
to bed with me. I know automatically that I'm going to score with them
that night. It never fails!"
With the exception of rapists, men do take no for an answer--but
you sometimes have to be very firm. Try to avoid three things that
encourage men to be overly-aggressive:
1. Sudden coldness. If you kiss, embrace, and touch a man
intimately all night, you're crazy if you think you can
suddenly turn him off. Don't start something you don't want
to finish.
2. Saying no when your body means yes. A man tends to believe
what you do more than what you say. You negate the power of
your words if you snuggle up to a man at the same time you
are supposedly trying to get rid of him.
3. Sexual innuendoes. Don't make subtle suggestions and not-so-
subtle jokes about sex and then wonder why men don't believe
you when you say you don't want to make love.
LUCY: "Men are lousy lovers. All they want to do is rush things.
Whatever happened to cuddling and foreplay?"
It is sad but true that many men don't enjoy hugging, kissing, and
touching. Their sexuality is limited to intercourse. If you find
yourself with someone like this, try to educate him concerning the
joys of foreplay. Tell him, "Try it, you might like it." If that
doesn't work, you have to either lump it or dump him. There are
millions of men in this country who excel in foreplay.
INGRID: "I'm sick and tired of slam, bam, thank you, ma'am. Men
shouldn't be so selfish. I have needs too, you know. Those guys should
learn how to exercise a little self-control and wait until I'm
satisfied.''
This is the Myth of the Quick Shooter. Supposedly there's
something wrong with a man if he ejaculates quickly during sexual
intercourse: he is sick, abnormal, immature, selfish or incompetent.
The fact of the matter is that the average man in the United States
ejaculates from 30 seconds to 2 1/2 minutes after the beginning of
intercourse. In other words, it is biologically normal for a man to
achieve orgasm far more quickly than a woman. If you resent some men
for being quick-shooters, you are expecting them to act abnormally.
As mentioned before, it is important for men to learn to enjoy
foreplay so women are "warmed up" for intercourse. In addition, sex
therapists such as Masters and Johnson are quite adept at teaching
couples to change their lovemaking patterns so they are more
fulfilling for both partners. If sexual problems arise, you don't have
to live with them. Seek professional help.
SANDY: "I can't stand the old double standards. Why is it okay for my
boyfriend to sleep around but wrong for me to do the same?"
Why indeed? Rather than feel resentful, take personal
responsibility for this inequity. The only men who successfully
maintain a double standard are those with women weak enough to
tolerate it. There is nothing to prevent you from standing up for
equal rights and upholding the same standards of loyalty (or
disloyalty) that your lover does.
VIRGINIA: "Men are such babies. I already have two kids and resent
being forced into the role of mother to my lovers."
Nobody forces you into playing a maternal role. If you do so, it
is by choice.
COLLEEN: "The one thing I can't take in a man is insensitivity. I like
a man who is into his feelings and can express love, affection and
sorrow. How come I keep running into emotional cripples who never
share their feelings with me?"
This complaint is well-taken. It's important to realize, however,
that men in America are conditioned to imitate the Gary Cooper type
and be strong, composed and silent. Men who cry are called sissies.
Rather than resent men for this, feel some compassion. Sidney Jourard,
in his book The Transparent Self, argues that the main reason men die
so much earlier than women is because they bottle up their feelings.
Feel lucky if you find it easy to express your feelings. There are
millions of men who are valiantly struggling to break out of their
emotional strait jackets. Encourage them. If you can't handle the
frustration of relating to men who are insensitive and emotionally
cold, resentment is not the answer. Limit yourself to dating the
minority of men who are emotionally liberated.
LAURA: "What gets me mad is attractive men I meet who ask for my phone
number and don't call. It's awfully frustrating to be waiting all week
for a call that never comes. If he wasn't planning on calling then why
did he copy down my number in the first place?"
There are several possible explanations:
1. He lost your phone number.
2. He didn't remember you after he sobered up.
3. He collects phone number, like trophies, to prove his
manhood.
4. He is afraid of your rejecting him when he calls.
5. You are seldom if ever home and he keeps missing you.
You can easily get rid of your resentments in this area by asking
for a man's number every time you give him yours and calling him
unless he reaches you first. Purchasing a telephone answering machine
can also be a big help if you are often out of the house. A man will
call only so many times before giving up and calling some other lucky
woman.
MAY: "The guys I hate most are the ones that stand you up. It's
happened to me a couple of times and it's infuriating."
Why do men stand women up? The three most likely reasons are:
1. He forgot.
2. He changed his mind and didn't have your phone number to
cancel.
3. He changed his mind and didn't have the courage to tell you.
You can easily protect yourself from these possibilities by
exchanging phone numbers and calling him to confirm the date the night
before (unless he's already called you first).
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EXERCISE
A good way to get over your resentments is to play a game called
VICTIM.
1. Ask a close friend or relative to help you play
2. Choose a resentment where you feel victimized by a man: "He
done me wrong."
3. Tell your friend to encourage you to relate all the rotten
things your victimizer did to you. Don't be afraid of
character assassination. Be totally one-sided. Your friend's
job is to cheer you on as you let your victimizer have it
with both barrels.
4. After you feel finished, switch sides. This time explain to
your friend how you are totally responsible for the problem.
Explain how you created the situation and added "fuel to the
fire". Your friend's role is to encourage you to blame
yourself for the sorry predicament.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a very powerful exercise. You will realize that "it takes
two to tango" and that to a large extent you are responsible for your
problems with men. Playing VICTIM will enable you to let go of some of
your resentment so you free yourself of excess baggage as you search
for Mr. Right.
MALE RESENTMENTS
Men have equally strong resentments towards women. If you are a
woman, it is important to read this section and discover why men often
resent you. If you are honest with yourself, you'll admit that you
engage in some of the negative behaviors described below. It is in
your best interest to attempt to change.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EXERCISE (for men only)
1. List all the things you can't stand about women. Be very
specific.
2. Next to each resentment, write down the names of ex-wives or
ex-girlfriends who had these negative qualities.
3. Look at each resentment from a female perspective and see if
you can understand why some women act this way.
4. Again, looking at your list, determine your own role in
causing or encouraging women to act in these ways. Go down
your list and circle the resentments you honestly expressed
to ex-lovers. Take responsibility for the uncircled ones.
Women are not mind readers. Possibly if you had complained to
them (without nagging or hostility), they would have been
willing to change. Unless you shared your negative feelings
with them, you never gave them a chance.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Now read about the resentments explained below. Probably some of
them are on your own list. The most important thing to realize is that
resentments don't add anything to your life; they just make it harder
for you to connect with a loving woman.
GORDON: "Why are women always on the defensive? It seems like whenever
I walk up to one she acts like I'm a rapist. Why can't women relax and
be friendly? You'd think they would welcome a sincere single man who
approaches them."
It is true that many women are on the defensive. They have good
reason to be. Men are bigger, stronger and more violent than women. If
you have difficulty understanding why women are intimidated by men, do
the following exercise.
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EXERCISE
This is a science fiction exercise. Imagine you are part of an
all-male crew sent to a distant galaxy. You arrive on a planet where
the average women is five inches taller than you, outweighs you by 40
pounds, and has biceps twice your size. While you are on the planet,
two of your fellow crew members are raped. One of them dies from
strangulation. Visualize yourself in a dark alley with one of these
Amazons.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The next time you feel resentful towards an overly-defensive or
negative woman, imagine how many jerks have walked up to her and been
crude, phony or obnoxious. Perhaps you will then better understand why
women are not always friendly to strangers. Don't take it personally.
You may be guilty of poor timing (approaching her two minutes after a
jerk). Go on to the next attractive woman.
The best way to get women to relax and be friendly is to smile
warmly. Don't touch her initially; she may feel threatened. Move
slowly and let her get used to you gradually. Once she discovers you
don't have horns, the possibility arises for a good relationship.
DARRYL: "Women are hung up about sex. Most of them think it's dirty.
They should learn to enjoy sex just for fun sometimes instead of
always worrying about whether or not they know me well enough. Sex
isn't something sinful that has to be sanctified by love or marriage."
Women definitely tend to have a very different attitude than men
towards casual sex. Despite today's free love rhetoric, most women
still believe that sex should be "meaningful". Sex for the sake of sex
isn't enough. While most women don't require a wedding ring, they
prefer sex in the context of a committed relationship or at least a
casual friendship. For example, Cecilia is a 24 year old chemist.
"I've had a few one night stands in my life. I can't say I didn't
enjoy myself, but something was missing. I just didn't feel right
about going to bed with a stranger. I consider myself to be fairly
liberated sexually but I guess I'm still a little old-fashioned.
Nothing beats sex in a close, loving relationship. "
It's impossible to change women so that they desire casual sex as
much as men do. You certainly have a right to feel disappointed when
your sexual desires go unmet. There's a difference between being
frustrated and feeling resentful, however. It is important to realize
that women's bodies are their own, not yours. They aren't under an
obligation to meet your sexual needs. They have the right to say no
for any reason, no matter how "sick" or "irrational" you may consider
it to be. As a matter of fact, they have the right to say no and not
even give a reason.
Be aware of the fear of pregnancy. You may easily forget a casual
encounter, but a woman can receive an unwelcome reminder nine months
later. Abortion is an option, but many women reject it on moral
grounds. Even women who believe in abortion tend to go through a great
deal of trauma from losing their unborn child. Fear of pregnancy is
definitely not irrational.
A surprisingly high percentage of women are often ill-prepared for
sex. The fear of cancer, nausea, gaining weight, etc. causes many
sexually liberated women to avoid the birth control pill. Other forms
of contraception are also unpopular with many women. Therefore, if a
woman who is obviously attracted to you resists your advances, there
is a high probability that she is not "protected" from pregnancy.
Some men, like boy scouts, are always prepared. They carry
prophylactics in their wallets and quickly bring up the topic of
contraception if they suspect it is the cause of a woman's reticence.
ERNIE: "I can't stand women who drink with me all night, screw me, and
then kick me out. I'm terrified at the prospect of being arrested for
drunken driving. I think it's very inconsiderate for a woman to
subject me to the hazards of driving home after I've been drinking."
It certainly is inconsiderate. A similar problem arises if you
smoke marijuana or use other drugs and are asked to leave while still
under the influence. It would be nice if women would accept the
responsibility for providing a man with the opportunity to stay until
he is capable of driving safely. Unfortunately, not all women are so
considerate. There are five things you can do to protect yourself:
1. Drink moderately. Excessive alcohol is bad for your health
and detracts from your sexual performance.
2. Invite her to your home instead of going to hers.
3. Call a taxi instead of driving home.
4. Ask her to drive you home (if she isn't under the influence
also).
5. Be assertive and let her know that it isn't right for her to
send you out on the road where you will be a hazard to
yourself and others. Insist on staying until you are sober,
either in her bedroom or on the sofa in the living room.
JOE: "I can't stand frigid women. I always feel like such a failure
with them."
The Myth of the Frigid Woman is the counterpart to that of the
Quick Shooter in the previous section. If you want to feel hostile
towards a woman because she doesn't have an orgasm each time she makes
love to you, that's your privilege. But you're not being very
realistic. The fact is that the average American woman does not
experience climax every time she has sexual intercourse.
Shere Hite discovered that 50% of women never have orgasms through
intercourse. There are many reasons for this. One common explanation
is that women are taught to hold back from men. Since men are often
trying to seduce them, it is usually up to the woman to retain her
composure so that things don't get out of hand sexually. When women
decide to say yes, they may find that subconsciously they are still
holding back. It is then difficult for them to climax.
Complicating the issue of female orgasms is the fact that many
women don't know if they have a climax during intercourse. This comes
as a shock to most men since it is so obvious to them when they have
an orgasm--they ejaculate. A woman's climax can be more subtle.
Despite the descriptions in romantic novels and pornography, most
female orgasms do not involve cannons exploding and bells ringing. A
further problem is that there are at least two different types of
female orgasm: vaginal and clitoral. A woman accustomed to climaxing
through stimulation of her clitoris during masturbation or necking may
not recognize the vaginal orgasm she experiences during intercourse.
Also contributing to the problem is the inability of many women to
ask for what they want sexually. It would be far easier for a man to
help his lover climax if he knew what turned her on sexually. Women
are frequently afraid of being overly-erotic and explicit about their
sexual needs and consequently miss out on the experience of orgasm.
Our attitudes toward sexuality in the "enlightened" twentieth
century are in many ways as neurotic as those of the Victorian Era.
The new hangup is performance. Men feel a great deal of pressure to be
accomplished lovers and bring their partners to orgasm. Women feel
equally pressured to be passionate and frequently feel compelled to
fake orgasms. Pleasure gets lost in the shuffle.
JOHN: "Women are all freeloaders. They expect a man to pay for
everything. It seems to me that if a lady is getting half the pleasure
out of what we are doing, she should pay for half the freight."
Is this a legitimate gripe? Sally, a 37 year old divorcee, say no.
"Women only earn 60% of what men get, thanks to discrimination, so
it's only fair that men pick up the tab during dates." This is only a
rationalization. Many women earn as much or more than the man and
still refuse to pay their own way. Even in cases where they do earn
less, they could at least offer to pay a proportion of the bill.
Another common reason given by women for not helping pay for dates
is that the man may be offended or feel that she is "unladylike". This
is certainly true with many men, particularly those over 40. They grew
up before anyone had ever heard of women's liberation. Younger men,
however, and many older ones as well, feel differently. Simenauer &
Carroll discovered that three-quarters of men feel that women should
occasionally either pay for the entire date or at least part of it.
Many women feel that men paying for dates is just one of the nice
things about being a woman. They are naturally loathe to give up this
privilege. Other women, however, prefer to pay their own way. Sally is
a 37 year old apartment manager. "I always insist on paying for my
share on a first date because I don't want to feel obliged to sleep
with him just because he lays some bucks on me." Women who financially
never pay for dates often wind up doing so sexually.
Regardless of whether or not women should help pay for dates, the
fact is that they seldom do. This may not be fair, but it is reality.
Men have several alternatives:
1. You can pay and feel resentful.
2. You can insist on women paying their own way on dates and
refuse to date those who don't. If you do this, be prepared
for hostility from women. Also realize that you will be
eliminating the possibility of a romantic relationship with a
large percentage of women.
3. You can offer women a choice. Tell them you're prepared to
pay but you also feel comfortable if they pay their own way.
4. You can pay and not feel resentful. Be honest with yourself
and admit if the shoe were on the other foot you probably
would act the same way as women do. They are conditioned to
expect men to pay and it is asking a great deal to require
that they reject this conditioning. Also own up to the many
economic advantages men have over women: the large salaries,
greater career opportunities, easier credit, etc. Would you
really be willing to give up these advantages for true
equality?
WILLIAM: "I resent girls who play hard to get. If I'm interested in
someone, I make it real obvious. I wish girls would do the same."
Women do frequently play hard to get. Rather than feel angry, why
not take it as a compliment? She may be afraid that she will lose you
if she lets you know that she's crazy over you.
TOM: "Women are too emotional and irrational. They fall to pieces over
the most insignificant things. Too often they rely on what they call
intuition and what I call stupidity. Trying to reason with a woman is
like beating your head against a wall!"
This is the flip side of the female resentment in the last section
that men are insensitive and unable to express deep feeling. It's
true that women tend to be more emotional than men. Far from being a
negative quality, this is perhaps the most significant advantage of
being a woman. Some women, of course, carry a good thing too far and
are frequently incapable of controlling their feelings or thinking
rationally. Sometimes they only pretend to lose control and break into
tears as a means of manipulating a man.
The happy medium is to have the capacity to be either emotional or
rational depending on whichever is most appropriate at the time. Men
and women can learn a great deal from each other, but each needs to
learn first to be more tolerant.
One secret for dealing with an overly-emotional woman (or man, for
that matter) is to allow her to express her emotions thoroughly before
trying to reason with her. When men or women are emotionally
distraught, logic should be shelved until a more propitious moment.
ORVILLE: "Ladies worry too much about how much money a man makes.
Just as they don't like to be treated as sex objects, we resent being
money objects."
Despite women's liberation, many still have a "Cinderella
Complex". They want a relationship with a man who "takes care of me".
Resentment as being treated as an economic object is certainly
legitimate. Unfortunately, it doesn't accomplish anything. Every man
sadly has a choice: you can play the money-power-status game and be
extremely attractive to a large portion of the female population or
you can write them off and limit yourself to non-materialistic women.
BRUCE: "Ladies take forever to get ready. I can't stand waiting around
all night while they put their faces on."
It is true that women usually take longer to get ready than men. A
major reason for this, of course, is that most men are so demanding of
women in terms of physical attractiveness. Women do not enjoy the many
hours of hard work that go into looking beautiful. They do it to look
good for men like you.
A woman has a right to take as long as she wishes to get ready. If
she makes a commitment to you to be ready at a certain time, however,
that's a different story. You have a right to be intolerant of broken
commitments, as long as you didn't pressure her into making an
unrealistic promise.
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EXERCISE
Play the VICTIM game described earlier. Choose a situation where a
woman victimized you and you feel very resentful.
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A FINAL NOTE FOR MEN AND WOMEN
There is nothing wrong with having resentments. Don't deny or
repress them. Be aware, however, that you have a choice about whether
or not to hold on to them. Giving up resentments is not easy. The
crucial first step is to drop the notion that other people are in this
world to meet your expectations. They aren't. They're all too busy
looking out for Number 1.
-----------------------
DEALING WITH BAD HABITS
-----------------------
We are all creatures of habit. Most are beneficial, but a few can
have devastating effects on your relationships. How you deal with them
will play an important role in determining your romantic future. It's
easy to feel resentful towards those who have bad habits you don't
share. One way to get rid of these resentments is to face up to your
own addictions. An addiction is anything you need daily and can't give
up without discomfort. The most common are:
* smoking
* drinking
* caffeine (usually contained in coffee, tea and soft
drinks)
* sugar
* sleeping pills
* cocaine
* downers
* marijuana
* food (addiction to food means eating more than your body
requires)
What addictions do you have? If you honestly believe you have no
addictions, take the following test. For one week, quit using any of
the above items you ingest daily. If you wind up feeling nervous,
depressed or developing headaches, you're addicted, whether you want
to admit it or not.
Being holier than thou feels great but it gets in the way of
making romantic contact. Learn to be more tolerant of the problems and
addictions of others. As Jesus said, don't tell your neighbor about
the splinter in his eye when you fail to notice the beam in your own.
SMOKING
If you are a non-smoker, you must decide whether or not to
tolerate smoking by others. If you are willing to immediately
eliminate one-third of your chances for meeting someone special, then
your choice is simple: don't date smokers. If you aren't willing to do
this, consider the following options:
1. Allow people to smoke in your presence any time and any
place. This is the ideal attitude, as long as you find it
easy to tolerate smoke.
2. Allow people to smoke in your home but insist that they do so
away from you. For example, the other side of the room, in a
different room or outdoors on the patio.
3. Allow people to smoke in your presence, but not under the
following circumstances:
* in a confined space or place with poor ventilation
* in front of your children
* in your own home
4. Demand that they quit. This rarely works. Smoking is an
addiction. Otherwise, millions of Americans wouldn't fail to
quit each year.
Once you have decided if and under what circumstances you will
tolerate smoking, make your wishes known in an honest but friendly
manner. Smokers can then take you or leave you. Another possibility is
to work out a compromise which enables them to smoke but doesn't cause
severe discomfort for you.
Many non-smokers go off the deep end about smoking. Granted there
is some evidence that being around smokers can be hazardous to your
health. The danger is probably minimal, however, unless people are
blowing smoke in your face all day long. Occasionally being around
smokers is not going to be severely detrimental.
Some people, of course, have emphysema or other ailments which
require them to avoid smoke. Others are severely allergic. It is
proper that they limit their romantic relationships to people who
either don't smoke or will abstain in their presence.
Many people who claim that "smoke makes me sick" are lying to
themselves, however. Tom is a 42 year old art dealer. "I have never
smoked but for many years hardly noticed if others lit up. After all
the negative publicity came out about smoking, however, I started to
pay more attention and developed a resentful attitude towards smokers.
I found that the more resentment I felt, the more sensitive I became
to the effects of smoke. Obviously a major cause of my discomfort was
mental rather than physical."
What do you do if the shoe is on the other foot: you're the
smoker? The best thing to do, of course, is quit. If you are unwilling
or unable to do so, bear in mind the following suggestions:
1. Be aware of how offensive smoking can be to nonsmokers.
2. Obey non-smoking signs in stores, banks, etc.
3. As much as possible, try to smoke either alone or with other
smokers.
4. Don't be afraid to go into another room or step outside to
smoke when you are among non-smokers.
5. Ask for permission to smoke. Caution: be aware of the risk
you are taking if you do this. If they answer no, you are
stuck with not smoking. Don't be a jerk and ask, "Mind if I
smoke?" and then get angry if the person says, "Yes, I do
mind."
6. Discuss your smoking habit with non-smokers and see if you
can work out an agreement that meets both their needs and
yours.
Following the suggestions above will enable you to get along well
with the non-smoking majority and possibly find a non-smoker for a
romantic relationship.
DRINKING
Numerous women are terrified of getting involved with a man with a
drinking problem. These women usually come from a home where the
father was an alcoholic. Either that or they suffered the misfortune
of having married one.
Alcohol is one of the most severe problems that can affect a
romantic relationship. Alcoholics have a strong tendency to be violent
with their lovers, wives or children. Almost every arena of
performance, from the office to the bedroom, is adversely affected by
excess booze.
The safest course is to avoid getting involved with anyone who
drinks. Unfortunately, this means eliminating the overwhelming
majority of single people in this country. Furthermore, just because a
person doesn't drink in your presence doesn't mean that he abstains
all the time. Even if he is "on the wagon" when you meet him, that
doesn't insure that he won't fall into a drunken binge next month.
What can you do to avoid involvement with an alcoholic? The
following advice is from a woman's perspective, since they tend to be
the most fearful. However, men should also be concerned about falling
in love with an alcoholic. Watch carefully for signs of alcoholism.
They aren't always easy to spot. An alcoholic or problem drinker
doesn't always collapse in a drunken stupor. Many otherwise successful
men go to great lengths to conceal their problem with alcohol. The
signs to watch for are:
1. Does he drink every day? (Exclude a glass or two or wine at
meals, which is the custom in many families.)
2. Does he go through pronounced emotional change after he
drinks? The average person loses some inhibitions and becomes
more cheerful and even silly when he drinks, but an alcoholic
may become angry, depressed or even violent after drinking.
3. Does he find it difficult to stop once he starts drinking?
Does he have to finish the bottle?
Some less conclusive indicators of a potential problem with alcohol
are:
1. Does he drink alone?
2. Does he drink in the morning?
3. Does he drink one particular type of mixed drink almost to
the exclusion of all others?
What do you do if you're involved with an alcoholic? If you are
reasonably sure about this, you have several options:
1. Dump him. This may sound cruel but why ruin your life just to
share his misery?
2. Insist that he change. This is a weak option because people
seldom make radical changes to please someone. An alcoholic
will usually respond to your demand in one of the following
ways:
* He will deny that he is an alcoholic. He may even be
"sincere" in the sense that he isn't lying to you--he's
deceiving himself. Unless he admits that he is an
alcoholic, he will not change.
* He will admit that he has a "slight drinking problem"
but is not an alcoholic. Again, as long as he adheres to
this position, he will not change.
* He will admit that he has a serious problem and promise
to change. This is very positive but promises are often
easy to make and difficult to keep. This is particularly
true in the case of alcoholics who are often talented
con-artists with their loved ones. The only thing you
can really trust is deeds, not words.
* He will become involved with an alcohol treatment
program or join an organization such as Alcoholics
Anonymous. Here at least there is good reason for hope.
There are millions of reformed alcoholics in this
country. If a person sincerely embarks on a reform
program and appears to be making good progress, he may
be worth the gamble. Be aware, however, of the grievous
price you will pay if the gamble doesn't work out.
The overwhelming majority of men in this country are not
alcoholics, so why play with fire? The safe course is to avoid them
unless they admit they have a problem and are working hard to overcome
it. They then may be safer bets than those who are not yet alcoholics
but are on their way. What if you're not sure that someone is an
alcoholic? There are several things you can do to resolve the
question.
1. Study alcoholism. Your local church, library, hospital,
physician or alcohol treatment center will have pamphlets and
books dealing with this subject. Armed with this information,
you can make a more valid diagnosis.
2. Ask an expert. Describe the symptoms and ask for a diagnosis.
3. Ask the man's ex-wives/girlfriends, relatives, neighbors,
friends, or business associates. This is a risky suggestion,
since he will probably become quite angry if he finds out you
have been spying on him. However, if you suspect him of
alcoholism but don't have conclusive evidence, this may be
the only way of making an intelligent decision.
COCAINE
Cocaine is the headline-grabbing drug of our times. Abusers of
cocaine lose interest in their jobs, lovers, family and friends. They
become obsessed with the drug. They can become unreliable, irritable
and brusque. They frequently lie about where they are going to cover
their drug use. They can also become dependent on coke in order to
have sex. Financially the abuse of cocaine is a disaster, since it is
extremely expensive. If you date someone who uses cocaine, you would
be wise to find someone else for a romantic relationship.
DOWNERS
There are three major categories of these drugs:
* minor tranquilizers, such as Valium or librium
* sedative hypnotics, such as quaaludes ("ludes") or
seconal ("reds")
* pain-killers, such as codeine or darvon
It's difficult to condemn downer abuse if you understand the usual
cause: medical problems. Many people were originally prescribed these
drugs by their physicians to deal with nervousness, sleep difficulties
and physical pain. Unfortunately, they are highly addictive and cause
personality changes. If a person has developed a dependency on downers
after a recent medical problem, there may not be that much cause for
alarm. On the other hand, if abuse of these drugs goes on for years
and becomes a major part of a person's lifestyle (running around to
three or four different physicians to get prescriptions), consider
finding someone else.
MARIJUANA
In comparison with the preceding drugs, marijuana is relatively
benign. Problems can arise, however, with daily use. If you want to be
involved with someone ambitious and dynamic, stay away from heavy
users. "Pot heads" tend to lay around the house and do nothing. Some
develop an "Annie Hall" syndrome, where they need to smoke marijuana
before sex in order to face the anxiety of intimacy.
A FINAL WORD ON HABITS
Bad habits put a heavy strain on relationships. Rather than feel
resentful, the wisest course is to avoid people who have habits you
find intolerable. Be aware, however, of the price you pay each time
you write off people with a particular habit: you are shrinking the
number of people available for a loving relationship with you.
--------------------------
PREJUDICES AND STEREOTYPES
--------------------------
In addition to people with "bad habits," you may have a tendency
to exclude other categories of people because of misinformation or
negative conditioning. This is tragic, not only for them but also for
you. Each group of people that you eliminate reduces your chances of
finding the right person for a romantic relationship. It is crucial,
therefore, to discover your prejudices and stereotypes and try to
overcome them.
AGE PREJUDICE
Men and women are both victimized by age prejudice. A good example
is older women. Men have been brainwashed to believe that younger
women are more attractive than those that are older and particularly
that women over 40 are "over the hill". What are the facts?
It is generally true that younger women have slimmer, more
athletic bodies, fewer wrinkles, more lustrous hair and are less
likely to have stretch marks. Nature does compensate, however, as
Brian discovered. "Like most guys, my fantasy lady is young, slim and
gorgeous. My problem is that I find most younger women to be empty-
headed. I have a hard time carrying on a conversation with them--there
are a lot of blank spots when I run out of things to say and she's
having the same problem. I find that I prefer talking to older women.
They're usually not as beautiful (although I've met some dynamite
women in their 40s) but they're a lot more interesting. So I'm torn
between lusting after the young stuff and actually connecting more
easily with older women." On the level of compatibility, there is a
lot to be said for younger men dating older women. After 16, men begin
to go downhill sexually, while women reach their peak sexually around
age 40. Tim is a 19 year old anthropology student at a university. "I
met Claudia in the classroom--she was the professor. I really didn't
notice her that much at first. Sure, she was attractive. Some of the
guys in the class would joke about how they wouldn't mind a "private
lesson" with her. But I figured that she had to be at least 40
(actually she was 39) and I wasn't looking for a surrogate mother.
"As the semester went on, I found myself liking her more and more.
Claudia was superb at leading discussions. She knew how to draw out
all of her students and get them to open up--including the shy ones
like myself. At the end of the semester, we had a class party in her
home. I had a little too much to drink and wound up sleeping it off on
her couch. The next morning she cooked us a great breakfast and we
started to talk. Before I knew it, I was telling her my life story.
She really listened. She was the first person I ever met who really
wanted to hear the whole thing--all the silly things as well as the
high points.
"We didn't do anything sexually that day--I was too shy and I
guess she was a little paranoid about her job. We started getting
together regularly after that, though, and became lovers. I expected
her to be a little tame sexually. Was I surprised! She was a tigress
in bed. I had only slept with a few girls before--all teenagers. They
gave me the impression they were doing me a favor. Claudia didn't have
that attitude at all. She called me her young stallion and taxed me to
my limits. I've had other girlfriends since Claudia, but all in my own
age group. None of them has been as passionate or interesting to be
with. I learned a lot from Claudia and it wasn't all anthropology."
Many women lie about their age or refuse to discuss the question
altogether because of the incredible prejudice they encounter. It's
incredible, because when you come right down to it a woman is either
attractive or not. If you find out her age, it isn't going to make her
prettier or uglier. It won't remove any wrinkles or make her more
interesting. If "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet," then
a woman of any other age would still be as attractive.
For those women who are contemptuous of men because of their age
prejudice, it is a shock to realize that women are far more prejudiced
about age than men. When I first started working with a dating club, I
was very surprised by the number of times handsome men in their 20s
would select women in their 30s for a date and be rejected. I would
have guessed that the women would be flattered. The almost universal
response was, "I don't go out with babies."
I can recall asking a woman named Lillian out for a date. She was
8 or 9 years older than I but I found her attractive. She was supposed
to come over to my home for dinner but canceled the night
before--something about not being able to get a baby sitter. Later we
became platonic friends and I found out that the babysitting problem
was just an excuse. She didn't feel comfortable going out with a man
so much younger than she. The story has an interesting conclusion.
Years later she wound up dating steadily a man even younger than I.
Older men have a mystique for women. Some have suggested that it
goes back to Freud's "Electra complex" where little girls were
attracted to their fathers. Whatever the reason, many women are
terribly prejudiced against younger men. The wrinkles that men find so
distasteful are "signs of character" to many women. The gray hair
which is anathema on a female head looks "distinguished" on a man.
The irony is that male and female age prejudices are completely
opposite to what they should be from the viewpoint of longevity. Women
on the average outlive men by as much as 7 years. What that means is
that a woman who marries a man 2 to 3 years older than she is asking
to be a widow for 9 to 10 years. When I am a guest on radio talk
shows, I frequently suggest to women that they marry men as much as
seven years younger than they. They think I'm crazy. Personally I
believe they are the ones who are insane if they refuse to date
younger men.
Karen, a long-time friend, was 60 when she underwent the severe
trauma of her husband dying. After so many years of marriage, she
found she couldn't adjust to living alone and tried to find another
man. Square dancing turned out to be ideal for her needs--she enjoyed
it and also met several men to date.
All of the men were older than she. Several proposed marriage.
Always the kibitzer, I asked her why she wanted to marry these older
men and open herself up to the strong probability of again
experiencing the tragedy of widowhood. Why not date younger men? Karen
wouldn't hear of it--why would a younger man date an old bag when
there were so many younger women to choose from? I told her that she
was slim, pretty and dressed beautifully and, therefore, didn't have
to settle for an older man. When she was 63 she met a 52 year old
civil servant. A few months later they were man and wife.
The result of age prejudice is that men under 35 and women over 40
are in trouble. There are more boys than girls born each year and,
therefore, more single men than women until age 35. By that time,
enough men have died and there are equal numbers of single men and
women. Since many women under 35 are dating older men, a large surplus
of young men are left out. Later the tables are reversed. Due to
superior longevity, by the time a woman reaches age 55, there are 2
1/2 women for every single man of that age. Since many of these men
are dating women in their 40s (and even younger), the pickings are
very slim for most middle-aged and elderly women.
This great American tragedy of young men and older women being
left in the cold can be averted only if we break through the senseless
age prejudices we have. All of the prejudices and stereotypes in this
chapter take a heavy toll in preventing romances.
RACIAL PREJUDICE
We live in a racist society, so naturally most Americans are
prejudiced against people of other races. Consider the consequences:
if you are prejudiced against black people, you may be crossing 11% of
the population off your list of prospects--regardless of their
physical beauty, wealth, intelligence, sense of humor, etc. If you are
prejudiced against Asians or Chicanos or other minority groups, you
are eliminating millions more. If you are biased against Caucasians
instead, you are crossing off the vast majority of prospects in the
United States.
Certainly there are many disadvantages to dating people of other
races. Just remember that you do have a choice. You have the right to
date people of racial heritages and nationalities other than your own.
Beauty, talent and goodness are not limited to any one group of
people.
If you find people of other nationalities and races to be
unattractive, then by all means don't date them. Don't make the
mistake of dating minorities to prove you aren't racist.
Stereotypes are often a cause of racial prejudice. Some examples
are:
"Mexicans are lazy."
"Japanese are treacherous."
"Blacks are only good at sports, dancing and entertainment."
These stereotypes are certainly true in some cases. What makes
them dangerous is that people tend to think that all members of a
particular group share these characteristics, which is not true. If
you allow yourself to believe these stereotypes, you are likely to
miss out on the opportunity to become friends with some very special
individuals.
RELIGIOUS PREJUDICE
It has been said that more people have died in religious wars than
any other type of conflict. Many potential loving relationships have
also died or failed to materialize because of religious differences.
There was a time when Catholics only married Catholics. Protestants
and Jews were equally intolerant of other religions. Fortunately,
religious prejudice has greatly diminished in recent decades but it
still exists.
Have you ever not dated someone because of their religion? If so,
consider the price you pay for your religious prejudice. If you are
biased against Jews, for example, you are depriving yourself of
millions of prospects for a romantic relationship. Likewise, if you
won't date Mormons, Witnesses of Jehovah, Baptists, Catholics, etc.
Almost every religion claims to be the "one true religion." Nobody
has ever been able to prove it, however. The fact is that there are
numerous geniuses who belong to every church you can think of and
there also are many brilliant people who are atheists. Under those
circumstances, it is unwise to be prejudiced against other religions.
If your religious affiliation is crucial to you, it may be foolish
to date people of other churches. Otherwise, try dating people of
other faiths. You may fall in love with one of them.
SOCIO-ECONOMIC PREJUDICE
America is not as class-conscious as many other countries (such as
England or India), but socio-economic prejudice is still common here.
If you are prejudiced against people whose ancestors didn't come over
on the Mayflower or aren't millionaires, you are eliminating over 200
million people. If you are only prejudiced against poor people, you
are still missing out on many millions of prospects.
EDUCATIONAL PREJUDICE
There was a time when a high school diploma was a status symbol.
Today even Masters Degrees are becoming a dime a dozen. Millions of
young Americans are on an educational treadmill where they sacrifice
years of their lives and many thousands of dollars to earn what
frequently is a useless degree in terms of future employment. One
thing the degree does confer, however, is status. Woe to those who
don't have the right diploma--they are ostracized into the ranks of
the ignorant!
Truly educated people know that there isn't necessarily a
correlation between formal education and either knowledge or
intelligence. Too often, however, intelligent, self-educated people
are rejected as unworthy of others with the proper pedigree.
There is nothing foolish about wanting to be involved with people
who are on an intellectual level similar to your own--this enhances
communication and compatibility. To reject someone because they didn't
attend the right school or earn the proper degree, however, is
ridiculous.
DIVORCE PREJUDICE
Many people are prejudiced against divorced people. The stereotype
is that they're all losers who drove their spouses away because of
their defects of character or personality. Those who have never
married are particularly prone to believe this stereotype and avoid
dating divorced people, but so, too, are the divorced themselves. Guy
is a 38 year old who has never been married. "I never date divorcees.
I figure if they couldn't hold on to their husbands, there must be
something wrong with them. I've never married because my parents were
divorced and I want to make sure that if I get married, it's for life.
I don't want to take any chances with a woman with a poor track
record."
This is all nonsense. Survey studies reveal that people who
remarry are just as happy as people who are still in a first marriage.
There is no reason to believe a second marriage won't be successful.
Fortunately, despite the prejudice against divorced people, five-
sixths of divorced men and three-quarters of divorced women remarry,
according to Robert Weiss in his book Marital Separation.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
Perhaps the most widespread and unfair of all prejudices and
stereotypes are those we develop on the basis of first impressions.
It's easy to prejudge people on the basis of very limited information:
the clothes they wear, hairstyles, a facial expression, the sound of
their voices. Here are some examples of how first impressions can lead
you astray.
1. A man is dressed in old jeans and tennis shoes. You conclude
he is poor. In reality, he may be a prosperous businessman
who is tired of wearing $500 suits all the time and prefers
old, comfortable clothes during his leisure time.
2. A woman is wearing a revealing blouse. You decide that she is
promiscuous. In reality, she is quite straitlaced but decided
to wear the blouse in order to attract attention.
3. A man is smiling frequently, so you conclude that he is a
happy, friendly person. The truth is that he is chronically
depressed but feeling good today because he just got hired
for a new job.
4. A woman is frowning and looking sad. You write her off as a
miserable loser. The fact is that she is normally cheerful
but recently received news about a death in the family.
Inevitably you will make snap judgments and categorize people. The
important thing is that you be willing to change your stereotypes
about people as you learn new information about them. Even a lifetime
would be insufficient to learn everything about a person, so don't
ever conclude that you have "their number"--people are full of
surprises.
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EXERCISE
1. Pay attention to the quick judgments you make about the next
five people you meet.
2. Check out these judgments with them. For example, "You seem
to be very shy; are you?" or "I get the impression that
you're the nervous type" or "You seem to be very
conservative" or "You appear to be the happiest person in the
room."
You will probably discover you are right some of the time but dead
wrong a good deal, also. Hopefully, you will learn to be less certain
about your first impressions and be open to discovering who people
really are.
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------------
LOOKING GOOD
------------
We have seen how important first impressions are. This is particularly
true about your physical appearance. When someone attractive comes
along, it's important that he or she be immediately attracted to you
physically. Otherwise there is a low probability of a romantic
relationship.
Five percent of the population are lucky enough to have been born
beautiful. The rest of us have to work at it. Let's begin with the
physique or figure. Americans are obsessed with slimness, despite
medical data that suggest that our weight charts may be all wrong.
Ideal weights may be significantly higher than was previously thought.
Regardless of the scientific controversy, the fact is that fat is not
considered attractive by most people.
So what do you do if you're fat? Obviously there are two ways to
lose weight: Increase the number of calories you burn or decrease your
intake of food. Exercise is, therefore, one key to weight loss. If
you're like most Americans, you're probably quite sedentary and do
very little vigorous exercise. Discover a sport or physical activity
that you can enjoy. We are fortunate in this country to have thousands
of volleyball, tennis, basketball and racquetball courts. There are
jogging tracks and weight lifting equipment, bicycles and exercise
machines, swimming pools, golf courses, and baseball fields. Hopefully
you can enjoy one or more of the many athletic alternatives.
Dancing is a great form of exercise. Ballroom, disco, rock, Latin,
folk and square dancing are all great for losing weight. Walking is
excellent, also. Try leaving your car at home and walking to work, the
store or friends' homes.
One advantage of developing an exercise program is that it can
coincide with your goal of meeting people. To paraphrase advice from a
previous chapter, find out where the ducks are exercising and join
them. Hopefully you will be losing weight and meeting prospects.
Unfortunately, exercise is usually not enough. Most overweight
people inevitably face the need for dieting. Some studies claim that
as many as 98% of people who go on a diet either fail to lose a
significant amount of weight or regain it later. The problem seems to
be that people go from one extreme to another. They diet and then
binge. There appears to be almost universal agreement among the
experts that what works is to avoid crash diets and permanently alter
your eating habits instead.
This may require behavior modification counseling (ask your
physician to refer you to a therapist with the proper credentials) or
choosing a diet you can live with--for the rest of your life.
It's possible to have an ideal weight (according to the charts)
and still be flabby. It's also possible to weigh more than the "ideal"
and still be in excellent physical condition. The difference is muscle
tone. Even if dieting is a dead-end, you can still develop good muscle
tone. Beginning a vigorous exercise program, as suggested above, is
one way of achieving this. So are fitness centers, athletic clubs, or
doing calisthenics at home. There are numerous books, tapes, records
and television programs on physical fitness. Take advantage of them.
TANS
As in the case of weight, we Americans have an irrational view of
proper skin care. Any dermatologist will tell you the sun is
dangerous: millions of Americans suffer from skin cancer. Also, the
sun dries out the skin, causing wrinkles and freckles. Medically, the
wise course is to minimize your exposure to the sun.
Unfortunately, the wise course is not always the popular one. If
you want to be attractive to the opposite sex, a Coppertone tan can be
an important advantage. If you have the time and inclination (and your
skin isn't the kind that only burns and never tans), lie out in the
sun as often as possible. (Incidentally, beaches and swimming pools
are also great for meeting people.) If you don't have the time or it's
winter, consider going to a tanning parlor. Take care to use a good
sunscreen. Suntan lotions all list a protection factor. Anything under
a 4 is too low, unless you already have a good tan protecting you.
GLASSES
Most people find eyeglasses to be unattractive, so avoid them if
possible. Contact lenses are an important option to consider,
particularly for women. Unfortunately, eyeglasses give women a school
marm image, which most men don't find sexy. A man can more easily get
away with wearing glasses. They make him look more intelligent,
dignified and professorial, which many women find attractive.
Some people insist on wearing sunglasses in order to look "cool".
Often they just look silly or cover their eyes, which may be their
best feature. Sunglasses also get in the way of good eye contact,
which is crucial for communication. So avoid sunglasses except to
protect your eyes from the sun.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
This is another area of American irrationality. Smelling good is
not crucial to good health, but it can be essential to being
attractive. Bathing, using a deodorant, brushing and flossing your
teeth, and even using breath mints should be daily activities.
Taking good care of your teeth will also add to your visual
attractiveness. Extremely crooked or "buck" teeth can be a major
liability. Perfect teeth are not a necessity, but if you are cursed
with really ugly teeth, consider visiting an orthodontist. Orthodontia
is not just for kids.
Arlene is a 24 year old secretary. "I used to have quite a complex
about my teeth. They were so awful looking I was ashamed to smile. I
kept myself under tight control lest I open my mouth and display my
deformity. And, of course, I was too shy to flirt with anybody.
"My parents talked about getting braces for me when I was growing
up but there never was enough money. Finally, after graduating from
high school, I decided to save up the money myself. It took me three
years but I finally went out and got my teeth fixed. It looked
ridiculous for a woman in her twenties to be a "metal mouth," but I
figured that I didn't have much to lose--I already was ashamed of my
looks. Now my teeth are almost perfect and I have a beautiful smile
(or at least that's what the guys tell me). I've come out of my shell
and have no trouble meeting men."
COLOGNE AND PERFUME
Most men are attracted to women who wear perfume; likewise most
women prefer a man who wears a good aftershave or cologne. If you're
allergic or uncomfortable wearing scents, then don't. They aren't
crucial. They can be a valuable asset, however, when you are around
attractive people of the opposite sex. It's important, of course, to
choose a pleasant scent that is appropriate for you. Try different
perfumes or colognes and ask your friends of the opposite sex for
their opinions. If you can't get honest feedback from your friends,
then try strangers. ("Do you like the smell of my perfume/aftershave?"
is a good opening line, by the way.)
PLASTIC SURGERY
If you have plenty of money and don't like one or more features of
your face or neck, consider plastic surgery. It can reduce lines and
wrinkles, cover up scars, change the shape of your nose, etc. Any
aging movie star can tell you that it does work.
JEWELRY
Men, in particular, are usually attracted by jewelry, but women
also frequently express a preference for men who wear tasteful, non-
gaudy jewelry. If you enjoy and can afford jewelry, then by all means
go ahead and wear it. If not, skip it. It's not that important.
CLOTHES
They say that "clothes make the man." This can be true for women
as well. If you have an attractive body, clothes can enhance it; if
your body is unattractive, you can literally cover up this fact with a
good wardrobe.
The first requirement is that your clothes be clean and sweet-
smelling. Avoid clothes that are too old or frayed. It's also
important that they be well-tailored. Baggy clothes are not sexy.
Wearing "floods" (clothes with sleeves or legs that are too short) is
considered contemptible except during typhoons.
The shape and attractiveness of your body should determine your
wardrobe. A slim (but not skinny) body suggests tight clothes to show
it off. Fat people should be wary of tight clothes.
Color coordination is crucial. We have all seen people who look
like clowns because they wear too many colors or choose those that
clash. It's important that your tops, bottoms, shoes, scarves, ties,
overcoats, furs and jewelry match. If you have poor taste or are color
blind, the safest thing is to buy suits and ask the salesperson to
choose matching ties, scarves, shirts, blouses, shoes or other
accessories for you. Better still, if you have a friend or relative
who has good taste, ask them to go shopping with you. If you can
afford it, hire a wardrobe consultant to go shopping with you. A
cheaper alternative is to buy a book on proper dress. John T. Molloy
has written two excellent books on the subject: Dress For Success (for
men) and The Women's Dress For Success Book. The emphasis in both
books is on dressing professionally, but there are chapters on looking
good for the opposite sex as well.
FABRICS
Natural fibers (like cotton) are more expensive than synthetics
(such as Dacron) and also require more ironing. Unfortunately, they
also are more attractive to the opposite sex. Particularly if you're a
man, concern yourself with fabrics since women have a tendency to
choose men who dress in a way that indicates success and wealth.
Polyester is out.
TIPS FOR WOMEN
John T. Molloy did extensive research on what men find sexy in
women. In his aforementioned Women's Dress For Success Book, he
reports the following findings:
1. Don't ever be among the first to buy a fashion--you run the
risk of losing your investment if it doesn't catch on.
2. Wear pants if you are neither extremely large nor extra thin.
3. Wear tight sweaters made of soft wool or cashmere.
4. Wear tight vests. The color of the vest should contrast with
that of the suit.
5. Only wear skin-colored pantyhose. The other colors do not
attract men.
6. Wear tight gloves.
7. Don't streak or frost your hair.
8. Wear minimum makeup, unless you are over 45 and have wrinkles
to hide.
9. Wear delicate and expensive perfume.
10. Don't wear sunglasses. Don't wear designer glasses
either--they make you look heavier.
11. Instead of spreading your money out to buy a lot of cheap
jewelry, save up for one or more exquisite pieces.
12. Try to contrast the colors of your lingerie or swimsuits with
your own skin color. For example, if you have very light
skin, wear black or bright red. If you have a good tan, wear
a white bathing suit. In general, both black and white women
look best in red lingerie. The second best color for white
women is black; for black women, it's pale pink. Skin tones,
gray and teal blue are not sexy to men. Men love variety, so
if you have a steady boyfriend or husband, wear different
colors of lingerie.
13. Wear lace, particularly if there is a "peekaboo" element to
it. Also wear frilly clothing.
14. Only wear a two-piece swimsuit if you have a good figure.
Otherwise, wear a one-piece.
Don't be surprised if men come on to you or get gross when you
dress sexy. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. If you dress
provocatively, men will respond accordingly.
DRESSING ELEGANTLY
You may discover that dressing sexy attracts the wrong type of
man. Consider the alternative of being elegant. Dressing this way will
certainly attract male attention. A cultured, refined, wealthy man may
overlook the woman who dresses sexy in favor of one more elegant.
On the other hand, you may scare away some men who worry that you
have "too much class". You may also stand out like a sore thumb if you
are the only person dressed elegantly. The safe course is to strike a
happy medium, being part elegant and part sexy. That will enable you
to attract plenty of men.
DYEING YOUR HAIR
As was pointed out in the chapter on Prejudices and Stereotypes,
the vast majority of American men insist on dating a youthful woman.
Gray hair can definitely put a damper on your dating, particularly if
it is premature. Some women have beautiful white hair that is quite
becoming, but they are the exception.
There is good reason to doubt the efficacy of dyeing your hair
blond. Despite the cliche that blonds have more fun, there is evidence
from surveys that brunettes are just as popular with men. Possibly
makeout artists looking for an easy score prefer blonds, since they
have an image of being looser sexually. The man looking for more than
a one night stand, however, is probably not going to discriminate
against brunettes. The waste of time, money and energy (plus the
possible damage to your hair) are not balanced by the dubious
advantage of being a blond.
Many men make contemptuous remarks about "bleached blonds". If you
dye your hair, be religious about touching up the roots. Also be
prepared for possible disappointment on a man's part when he discovers
that you're not a natural blond.
LENGTH OF HAIR
Dian Hanson, in her book, How To Pick Up Men, states that 80% of
the men she interviewed preferred long hair. Only a small percentage
of men prefer short hair. Many consider long, flowing locks to be a
woman's glory. Short hair can definitely lower your datability. Hair
that is particularly short also leads to being labeled as a lesbian.
Of course, many women have important reasons for keeping their
hair short. Long hair requires a great deal of maintenance. Athletic
women, in particular, find it to be a terrible inconvenience. Women in
the business world usually prefer shorter hair because it gives them a
more professional image. Many women also find that short hair is more
flattering to their bone structure. Despite all the disadvantages,
however, give serious consideration to wearing your hair at least to
shoulder or near-shoulder length.
FACIAL AND BODY HAIR
Mustaches are considered sexy on a man. Alas, this isn't true for
women. Any woman with dark or thick facial hair should consider
electrolysis. Shaving legs and armpits is also vital, unless the hair
is unnoticeable due to fineness or light color. The natural look of
hairy armpits and legs is favored by only a small minority of men.
MAKEUP
Many men are adamant against heavy makeup (or any makeup at all)
and prefer a more natural look. Certainly thick makeup can be rather
comical and reminiscent of teeny boppers trying to look glamorous.
Nevertheless, most men favor tasteful makeup. It can greatly enhance
the beauty of your eyes and lips, cover blemishes, scars and
imperfections, and give your skin a vibrant color. If you are not
adept at makeup, sign up for one of the many inexpensive beauty
seminars and classes available in most communities.
PAINTED NAILS
Most men find women to be more elegant and attractive if they have
painted nails.
THE IDEAL WOMAN
For many years, the American ideal was a big breasted, voluptuous
woman like Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield and Raquel Welch. Standards
of beauty constantly change, however, and the slender, well-muscled,
athletic look is now "in".
In past decades, women who did not have the right curves either
developed inferiority complexes or wore "falsies". Later medical
technology was tapped to provide breast implants to supplement what
nature had provided. One of the blessings of the new athletic look is
that theoretically, any woman can meet the ideal if she is willing to
sweat long enough.
If you're a buxom, rubenesque type woman and hate exercise, don't
panic. There are still millions of men who like curves and prefer the
Dolly Parton look. On the other hand, if you have a slender, boyish
figure, all you have to do is develop a few muscles and you'll be
chic.
Don't make the mistake of comparing yourself with playmates in the
men's magazines. As Dian Hanson points out, these women are just
fantasy objects for men. They'd "rather stroke your warm, soft,
smaller breast than watch Loni Anderson's juggle across a television
sound stage a thousand miles away."
TIPS FOR MEN
BALDNESS
Thinning hair or baldness need not be catastrophic. Bald men have
a mystique of being more sexy and virile. Lack of hair certainly
hasn't hurt the sex appeal of Yul Brynner or Telly Savalas. Of course,
if you want to project a youthful image, hair is a must. Otherwise, if
you have thinning hair, you can still be attractive to most women.
The crucial thing is your own attitude. If baldness wreaks havoc
on your self-confidence and makes you feel unattractive to women then
do something about it. Consider wearing a hairpiece or investigate
hair-weaving and hair transplants. The problem with hairpieces is that
observant people often can pick them out. Be leery of claims that a
particular wig is totally undetectable. Hair transplants look better
but can be quite expensive. The one thing you should never do is
purchase any of the "cures" for baldness. They are all rip-offs,
without exception.
HAIR
Unlike women, men look distinguished in gray hair. You don't need
to dye your hair unless you seek a more youthful image. Length of hair
is not critical as long as extremes are avoided. Very long hair or
crewcuts are unattractive to most women. It's important to keep
abreast of the latest styles and wear your hair accordingly. A good
hair stylist is highly recommended. Molloy found that most women were
"completely turned off by men with dirty (or even dirty-looking)
hair."
Beards and mustaches are considered masculine and, therefore,
desirable by many women. On the other hand, the clean-cut look is also
very popular. Choose whichever looks most attractive on you. Often a
weak chin, scars, blemishes, or other unpleasant features can be
concealed by a beard or mustache. There are many unattractive clean-
shaven men who are quite handsome with a beard. Molloy's research
reveals that mustaches are particularly attractive to women.
Be careful, however, not to grow a scraggly beard or sparse
mustache. They look ridiculous and turn women off. Growing a beard or
mustache to look older can be an effective tactic, but make sure that
you don't remind people of a teenager trying to conceal his callow
age.
MUSCLES
Surveys claim that American women prefer tall, slim men. I have
heard numerous women claim that they are not attracted to guys who are
muscle-bound. I don't believe them. I've seen enough women swoon over
muscles to believe that the Arnold Schwarznegger look is definitely
"in". Scrawny is "out".
Fortunately, there are numerous fitness centers, gyms, and health
clubs throughout the country that feature bodybuilding equipment and
programs. If you look like a guy in the Charles Atlas ads who gets
sand kicked in his face, you might consider doing something to build
up your musculature.
FORMAL DRESS
Many women are favorably impressed by men who wear a coat and tie.
It's a sign of wealth and success. Of course, there is also the
possibility of the woman you are trying to impress finding you to be
stuffy. You can't please everyone.
Be careful not to overdress; a coat and tie are not appropriate at
a pool party. Be just as careful not to be casually attired at a
formal dinner party. Specific circumstances should dictate how you
dress. Ask yourself, how will everyone else be dressed? While being a
non-conformist will certainly gain attention, it's also likely to get
you rejected.
WARDROBE
Traditionally, women have been far more knowledgeable about
clothes than men. Don Juan, the legendary lover, advised letting a
woman pick out your clothing. Molloy suggests that most women would be
flattered to have you ask her to help you choose garments that look
sexy on you.
It's important to dress well for two reasons: I) you will be more
attractive to women; 2) according to Molloy, woman judge your
intelligence by how you dress. If you dress stupidly (your clothes fit
poorly, don't match, or accentuate your worse physical features), she
may conclude that you are stupid. Since intelligence and physical
attractiveness are high on the list of qualities women prefer in their
men, you will have two strikes against you before you even say hello
if you're a poor dresser.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. Wear clothes that make you feel attractive.
2. Wear tight clothes if you are not overweight. Women find them
sexy.
3. Wear loose (but not baggy) clothes if you're overweight.
4. Never wear white socks unless you're wearing tennis shoes.
They have the same effect as wearing a bright neon sign that
reads, "Nerd".
5. If you understand color coordination, contrast your colors.
Women are attracted to men who dress cleverly.
6. If you don't understand color coordination, play it safe and
wear clothes that you know match. Since most men don't
understand color coordination, they frequently buy suits.
7. Display your chest with shirts open at the throat and
partially unbuttoned. According to Molloy, women find polo
shirts, in particular, to be sexy.
8. Don't wear Bermuda or walking shorts. Again, according to
Molloy, women prefer shorts of shorter length.
9. Shine your shoes.
10. Don't be too proud to ask for help. Better to embarrass
yourself with a friend or relative than an attractive woman
you hope to impress.
A FINAL NOTE FOR BOTH MEN AND WOMEN
You may feel uncomfortable having to alter your physical
appearance in order to be attractive to the opposite sex: "If they
don't like me as I am, then they can find someone else!"
Unfortunately, that is exactly what is going to happen. Attractive
people will be turned off to you and you'll lose out. People are
unlikely to discover your inner beauty if they find your exterior to
be unattractive.
-------------------------
SEX AND THE SINGLE PERSON
-------------------------
Sex is the magnet that draws singles together for loving
relationships. It's crucial, however, to know how to use its force
properly so your needs are met. Unfortunately, misinformation can get
in the way of healthy sexual relationships. Earlier we looked at the
Myth of the Quick Shooter and the Myth of Female Frigidity. Other
prevalent myths follow.
SEXUAL MYTHS
IF I DON'T GO TO BED WITH HIM, HE'LL DROP ME
A crucial choice that most singles face is whether or not to
engage in casual sex. The invention of the birth control pill in the
fifties revolutionized attitudes towards casual sex so that today it's
the rule rather than the exception. Simenauer & Carroll discovered
that two-thirds of single men and half of single women go to bed
within the first three dates. Women often feel pressured to engage in
casual sex. They fear that if they don't give in to a man's sexual
request in the first few dates, he will drop her. Simenauer &
Carroll's survey suggests the opposite: three-quarters of the men were
either against sex on the first date or at least neutral on the
subject. Only one-fifth believed in the value of one night stands. It
isn't surprising that only 6% of single women recommended these casual
encounters. The survey suggests that millions of us are engaging in
casual sex despite the fact that we really don't value it. Certainly
there are many men who expect sexual intimacy early in the
relationship, but there are also many who are uncomfortable with
immediate sex but feel obliged to make a pass anyway. They may
actually feel relieved if they are turned down. Why then do they try
to seduce women?
Ben is a 32 year old architect. "When I was younger, I
automatically put the make on every girl I dated, regardless of
whether or not I was attracted to her. That's the way all my friends
were, too. You always tried to score, even if you were too tired or
drunk to enjoy it. Now, even though I'm older and wiser, I still have
that compulsion to seduce every woman I date."
Lloyd is a 44 year old school teacher. "A couple of times ladies
have actually gotten angry at me for not making a pass at them. They
felt insulted."
Joe is a 39 year old civil servant. "My ex-wife told me that the
first time we dated she thought I was either gay or lacked self-
confidence with women because I didn't try to make it with her. She
laughed when I told her the reason I didn't try to ball her: I thought
she was the prudish type."
First dates can be a comedy of errors where each person sacrifices
to please the other. A good rule is to do what feels comfortable to
you and trust the other person to do likewise. If you are a woman,
never allow a man to pressure you into casual sex. If you are a man,
don't feel that you have to conform to the stereotype of the makeout
artist in order to be a "real man". As mentioned earlier, many men
avoid sex on a casual basis. For example, Henry is a 21 year old
grocery checker: "I don't feel comfortable sleeping with strangers. I
know it sounds corny, but I want to get to know a woman first." Tex is
a 45 year old forklift operator. "I don't like women who expect me to
hop into bed with them the first time. I'm usually impotent unless I
know a woman well."
IF I GO TO BED, HE'LL THINK I'M CHEAP
Many men do look down on a woman if she is an easy conquest. Most
men, however, feel differently, particularly those under 40. The vast
majority no longer insist that their future wives be virgins. As a
matter of fact, many men actually prefer a woman with experience.
It is difficult to predict how a man will react to you if you are
a woman who has sex with him early in a relationship. In some cases,
it will cause him to like you more. In others, he will drop you
because he has contempt for women who "sleep around". As with the
previous myth, the best course is to do what feels comfortable to you.
WOMEN SHOULD NEVER INITIATE SEX
Despite women's liberation, most feel uncomfortable initiating
sex. They feel it is a man's place to make the first move. Many women
fear that if they initiate sex, the man will be offended or scared
off. Simenauer & Carroll's survey says the opposite: over three-
quarters of men feel it is all right for women to initiate sex.
SEX SHOULD BE SPONTANEOUS
One of the legacies of the human potential movement is an
obsession with spontaneity. We are supposed to "be here now" and do
whatever pops into our minds. Applied to sex this concept means that
we should engage in sexual activity on the "spur of the moment" rather
than plan things out carefully in advance.
Certainly there is some value to this concept. Planning, analyzing
and postponing can put a damper on a sexual relationship. There are
many legitimate reasons, however, for avoiding spontaneous sex:
1. Fear of pregnancy. It's better to postpone sex than risk
having an unwanted baby.
2. Fear of discomfort. Making love on pine needles is something
only masochists enjoy. Ditto for love in a Volkswagen or in
very cold environments. There is nothing wrong with planning
ahead so that sex takes place in warm, comfortable
surroundings.
3. Fear of discovery. Sex in the outdoors or where there is
little privacy may be exciting to exhibitionistic couples,
but most people appreciate privacy and often need to plan for
it.
Another deterrent to sexual spontaneity is the constraint of time.
Better to postpone sex than to have to suffer the frustration of
cutting short the act of intercourse. Also, being late to school, work
or other commitment may not be worth it. As in so many other cases, it
is important to avoid taking a good thing to an extreme. Spontaneous
sex is to be valued only so long as it isn't stupid sex.
SEX IS FOR THE YOUNG
There is no evidence to support this myth. Why should the joys of
sex be limited to the young? The elderly are quite capable of
experiencing sexual pleasure. Unfortunately, sex among the aged is
frequently regarded as being deviant, sick or comical. The elderly
(and even the middle-aged) often give up sex altogether because they
have swallowed this myth, which is part of the American obsession with
youth. "Youth is wasted on the young" and "If I only knew then what I
know now" are phrases used repeatedly by mature people. They have been
brainwashed into believing that life has passed them by and that
certain pleasures are no longer possible or appropriate for them.
THE PRIMARY PURPOSE OF SEX IS...
There are three main variations of this myth: The primary purpose
of sex is 1) procreation; 2) expression of love; 3) pleasure. All of
them are false. The primary purpose of sex is whatever purpose you
choose to assign to it. If you desire children, the primary purpose
for you may indeed be procreation. Others have no tolerance for
parenthood and may prefer to engage in sex to develop intimacy in
their relationships or purely for the fun of it. Beware of those who
attempt to tell you what the purpose of any of your actions should be.
You are your own boss and need not submit to the values of others.
SEX IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN A MARRIAGE
Many married people in this country love each other dearly and yet
seldom engage in sex. To them affection, security, companionship,
economics, or parenthood may be much more important than sex.
SEX IS UNIMPORTANT IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP
This is the converse of the previous myth. In reality, sex is
frequently a major cause of the downfall of romantic relationships.
Surveys consistently reveal that a poor sex life is a major complaint
in troubled relationships. There is as great a danger of
underestimating the importance of sex as there is of overestimating
it.
ALL THE GOOD MEN/WOMEN ARE TAKEN
You will be relieved to learn that this also is a myth. Many
wonderful people have delayed marriage or remarriage because of other
priorities: education, business, travel, personal growth or just
because they haven't met the right person. The healthier, happier and
more self-sufficient people are, the more likely they are to hold out
for a special person. So don't conclude that single people are all
losers.
WOMEN WANT TO BE RAPED
This myth is partially based on fact. Surveys have revealed that
most women have pleasurable rape fantasies. It is important to
understand, however, that there is a big difference between a fantasy
rape, where a woman is in complete control and can turn the fantasy
off at any moment, and a real rape, where a woman often fears for her
life.
A real rape can involve a great deal of physical pain as well as
the dangers of pregnancy and venereal disease. Also, the men in rape
fantasies are usually very attractive to the women, whereas real
rapists rarely meet their victim's concept of an ideal sexual partner.
So, don't confuse women's fantasies with reality. Women do not want to
be raped.
A variation of this myth is that women who dress sexy are asking
for rape. Experts tell us that physical attractiveness is usually
unimportant to rapists. A homely woman is as likely to be raped as a
bombshell. Clothing styles are also irrelevant. Rape is primarily an
act of violence rather than sexual desire. Women who dress in a sexy
or flashy manner are probably hoping to attract male attention, but
this is a far cry from desiring a painful, violent experience such as
rape.
MEN HAVE IT MADE
Many women complain that society gives them a raw deal. Men have
permission to try to seduce anyone who attracts them, but women are
considered cheap if they do likewise. This is often true, but the
other side of the coin is that being a man has major disadvantages:
1. He often has to put a great deal of time and effort into
pursuing women.
2. He frequently spends a good deal of money on women.
3. He risks the pain of rejection.
4. He misses out on the ego boost of having women pursue him.
5. He often doesn't meet women who are secretly attracted to
him.
WOMEN HAVE IT MADE
Like the previous myth, this is only a half truth. It's often true
that women only have to sit back and wait for men to do all the work.
There are several disadvantages to being a woman, however.
1. She usually doesn't get to meet attractive men if they don't
approach her.
2. She often doesn't feel in control. She feels forced into
passively waiting for sexual partners to choose her.
3. She has to fight off obnoxious men who won't take no for an
answer.
4. She is in danger of rape.
5. She is more likely to feel uncomfortable going out alone to
movies, live entertainment, restaurants, parks, etc. She
often winds up being bored at home.
The grass may look greener on the other side but in reality being
a man or a woman has liabilities as well as benefits. The ideal
solution is for men and women to take equal responsibility for
initiating conversations, sexual contact, etc. They can then have the
best of both worlds.
THE PURPOSE OF SEX IS TO ACHIEVE ORGASM
Orgasm is possibly the most overestimated pleasure in our society.
Due to its brevity, orgasm may give much less pleasure than kissing,
hugging, etc. Many people postpone climax so as to prolong the sex
act. That way they don't miss out on a non-orgasmic pleasure. The
American obsession with orgasm is derived from our emphasis on
success, performance, and achieving goals rather than enjoying what we
are doing. How ludicrous it is to feel frustrated and a failure
because you didn't have an orgasm--"all I has was a wonderful time."
I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY LOVERS' ORGASMS
You may feel an obligation to be an accomplished lover. Your
ultimate fear may be to fail to bring your lover to climax. This sense
of responsibility is sad for several reasons:
1. It's hard enough to take responsibility for yourself, much
less for someone else.
2. Many women and some men have great difficulty in achieving
orgasm, regardless of the proficiency of their lovers.
3. Your sense of obligation to bring your lovers to climax is
frequently contagious and leads to their sense of duty to
have an orgasm to please you. Two people working to please
each other may be so distracted from their own pleasure that
they fail to enjoy themselves.
For too many, sex has become a job where performance is constantly
evaluated. Ironically, the best sexual performers are those who are
not preoccupied with being good lovers but who are free, natural and
uninhibited.
IMPOTENCE
The inability to achieve or maintain an erection can be
humiliating. Several myths associated with impotence cause this
needless sense of shame.
1. You can't be impotent if you're turned on to your lover.
Certainly a lack of sexual interest can lead to impotence.
There are many other causes, however. Booze is a frequent
culprit. As in the case of driving, sex and alcohol do not
mix. Ironically, many men drink in order to feel more
comfortable and confident with women and wind up feeling
demoralized instead because of impotence. An even greater
irony is the man who seduces a woman with booze, only to find
that he is too drunk to take advantage of her.
Another cause of impotence is fear of failure. Men who feel
inadequate as lovers or have had a few disastrous experiences
of impotence will often feel overly tense during sex and find
themselves unable to perform. Fatigue, stress and drugs are
other major causes of impotence.
2. Occasional impotence is indicative of sexual inadequacy.
Actually, occasional impotence is experienced by most men and
is no cause for alarm. As stated above, there are many
circumstances that can cause impotence in men who ordinarily
are quite adequate in the bedroom.
3. A man can overcome impotence by concentration. In reality,
concentrating on getting an erection is a sure fire way of
remaining flaccid. The more pressure you put on yourself and
the more self-conscious you feel, the more difficult things
become. Relaxing and thinking of other things (particularly
sexual fantasies) are far more effective ways of overcoming
impotence.
WHAT DO I DO IF I'M FREQUENTLY IMPOTENT?
1. Avoid alcohol and drugs.
2. Avoid sex when you are tired.
3. Avoid sex with women you find unattractive.
4. Avoid sex when you're not in the mood. Tell her you have a
headache.
5. Learn to relax. Reread the section on relaxation in the
chapter on Rejection. Also redo the exercise on page 65,
substituting the fear of impotence for the fear of rejection.
6. If you follow all of the preceding steps and continue to be
frequently impotent, see a physician to determine if there is
a physiological cause.
7. If there is no physiological problem, see either a
psychotherapist, sex therapist or sex surrogate. Your
physician can refer you.
WHAT DO I DO IF MY LOVER IS FREQUENTLY IMPOTENT?
1. Encourage him to follow all seven of the steps above, if
necessary.
2. Don't ever pressure him to achieve an erection. If he could,
he would.
3. Never ridicule, laugh or express anger towards him when he is
impotent.
4. Help him achieve an erection through sexy attire, massage,
manual or oral stimulation of the genitals,etc.
5. Let him know that there are ways for him to give you sexual
pleasure other than intercourse.
YOUR EROGENOUS ZONES
We are all individuals, so it shouldn't be surprising that we
don't all enjoy stimulation of the same areas. Many women, for
example, do not enjoy having their nipples or clitoris stimulated;
they are too sensitive. Some men adore having their nipples
stimulated; others are totally oblivious to it. Someone blowing in
your ear may give you goose pimples; on the other hand, you may find
that to be silly or weird.
Find out where your erogenous zones are and don't be afraid to
communicate this information to your lover. Encourage your partner(s)
to reveal their favorite zones as well.
SEXUAL MORALITY
Carlene is a 34 year old supervisor for the telephone company. "I
was raised in a very conservative, religious family where sex was
never mentioned in polite conversation. Over the years I have tried to
live up to what the Bible teaches, but it's been tough. I have strong
sexual needs and occasionally break down and do things I later regret.
It's hard being single and chaste."
Millions of singles find themselves in a similar predicament:
their body says yes and their conscience says no. How is this dilemma
to be resolved? It's not that hard to limit yourself to sex within
marriage if at an early age you met someone special, got married and
lived in sexual bliss ever after. What if you're single a good part or
even all of your life? It's difficult to abstain from sex for long
periods of time and still feel happy.
One solution is to drop all of your moral standards and engage in
sex whenever you feel aroused. This course often leads to guilt and
low self-esteem, however. Too many singles find themselves moving back
and forth between frustration and guilt. The way to avoid both
extremes is to choose one of two courses: I) stick by your principles,
or 2) change your moral views so you can live with them. A moral code
that is constantly violated serves no constructive purpose. If you
find yourself unwilling or unable to live by certain standards, the
time has come to re-examine your sexual values.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EXERCISE
Check all the statements that are true for you. I feel guilty if I
engage in:
____ 1. an occasional one night stand
____ 2. frequent one night stands
____ 3. infrequent sex with the same person
____ 4. frequent sex with the same person
____ 5. sex with a stranger
____ 6. sex with a casual friend
____ 7. sex with a good friend
____ 8. sex with someone I love
____ 9. sex with someone with whom I'm engaged
____10. sex with someone married to someone else
____11. sex with another single person
____12. sex with someone of the same sex
____13. sex where I seduce someone
____14. sex where I lie to the other person
____15. sex where I'm honest with the other person
____16. sex where only I get my needs met
____17. sex where both of us get our needs met
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Notice the wide variety of sexual options. If you marked some, but
not all, of the statements, there is a possibility of getting your
needs met and not feeling guilty. Try to limit your sexual activity to
those situations where you can "have your cake and eat it too"; that
is, where you can have sex and still feel good about yourself.
If you find that this is too limiting (or if you checked all the
statements and, therefore, have no way of feeling good about sex as a
single), consider the option of changing your sexual values. The first
step is to discover how you got these values.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EXERCISE
1. Do the previous exercise, pretending you are your mother.
2. Do the same, pretending you are your father.
3. Do the same for any other person who has had a significant
influence on your moral thinking.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
It should be evident, after completing this exercise, that you
have inherited your sexual values from others. How does it feel to
have others running your sex life? Perhaps the time has come to
develop your own moral code. Remember that the experts disagree among
themselves concerning the morality of various sexual actions. Some
moral philosophers condemn all forms of sexual activity outside of
marriage, while others condone anything done by consenting adults. If
the experts can't agree, why not make up your own mind and develop an
ethical code that feels comfortable to you?
Prepare a list of sexual actions that you believe are both good
for you and your partner(s). Don't allow the opinions of others or
society to sway you. Make up your own mind. Once you have this list,
you need to internalize your new moral code so you can act accordingly
without feeling guilty. One way to do this is to visualize yourself
engaging in these "approved" sexual activities.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EXERCISE
1. Close your eyes and relax. Take a few deep breaths.
2. When you feel relaxed, fantasize having sex under each of the
conditions on your list of approved sexual activities.
Visualize yourself the next morning after sex. How do you
feel? Do you feel happy and satisfied or do you feel
miserable and guilty? If you feel guilty, you still have your
old moral code. Ask yourself, who am I hurting by engaging in
this sexual act? Myself? My partner? If the answer is
neither, you are feeling guilty purely because of values you
have inherited from others. You are allowing their beliefs to
cause you to violate your own needs and those of others.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Changing your moral code is never easy. It may take years before
you are able to declare your moral independence. Just remember that
regardless of what others tell you, your body is yours. You are free
to do whatever you wish.
SEXUALLY-TRANSMITTED DISEASES
One of the greatest concerns of single people is how to have a
fulfilling sex life without catching a disease. Every time you kiss or
have intercourse with someone, you increase the chances of being
exposed to communicable illnesses. Some, like hepatitis, can be
deadly. Others, like the common cold, are irritating but go away.
Let's look at some of the more serious sexually-transmitted diseases.
A.I.D.S.
Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (A.I.D.S.) appears to be fatal
for anyone who develops full-blown symptoms. Fear of A.I.D.S. is
revolutionizing the sexual practices of singles throughout the nation.
They are now thinking twice before engaging in casual sex.
Unfortunately, some singles are "going off the deep end". They are
staying home and not meeting anyone for fear of being infected.
Perhaps an even greater tragedy than all the deaths that result from
A.I.D.S. are all the loving relationships that will never be born due
to fear of A.I.D.S.
Life involves risk. Every time we get on the freeway, we are in
danger of being killed. That doesn't mean that we stay off the
freeway. It does mean, however, that we take reasonable precautions,
such as wearing a seat belt, driving defensively, and avoiding
intoxication. So, too, with A.I.D.S.
Before we discuss how to prevent A.I.D.S., let's look at how it is
caught. One way is through a blood transfusion. Fortunately, all blood
in the United States today is thoroughly tested before it is given to
patients, so the likelihood of catching A.I.D.S. through blood
transfusion is infinitesimal. Another method of catching A.I.D.S. is
sharing needles during intravenous drug use.
The most common method, however, is sexual contact. If a carrier
of the A.I.D.S. virus is bleeding, you can become infected if their
blood comes in contact with one of your cuts. Since semen contains
blood, if an infected person's semen comes into contact with a cut in
your skin, you can also be infected. Assuming that an infected
person's blood or semen does not come into contact with a cut in
yourself, it is extremely unlikely that you would be infected. That
means that kissing, fondling, etc. are relatively risk-free.
The most dangerous sexual contact is anal intercourse, because the
lining of the anus is easily torn. Vaginal intercourse can also lead
to tearing of the skin, but this is less likely. Oral intercourse can
be dangerous if the semen of an infected person comes into contact
with a cut inside the mouth of an uninfected person. Swallowing semen
does not appear to be dangerous because the A.I.D.S. virus is
destroyed by stomach acids.
How do you avoid A.I.D.S.? The safest method is total sexual
abstinence. Even if you are married, however, there's still the
possibility that your spouse might cheat on you, catch A.I.D.S., and
then infect you. The same holds true for a committed relationship.
Nevertheless, you are obviously much safer limiting sexual contact to
one partner than by being promiscuous. The more sexual partners you
have, the more likely you are to come in contact with A.I.D.S. For
example, one reason A.I.D.S. is rampant throughout the gay community
is because homosexuals were much more promiscuous than heterosexuals.
An alternative to sexual abstinence is safe sex. There are several
components:
1. Always use a condom. Tests suggest that the A.I.D.S. virus
cannot penetrate the condom.
2. Use a spermicide when engaging in intercourse.
3. Avoid anal intercourse.
If you engage in safe sex, your chances of catching A.I.D.S. are
minimal.
HERPES
In a cover story (August 2, 1982) Time magazine referred to herpes
as the new scarlet letter. Many people who get herpes act as if they
have leprosy and are unclean. They feel obligated to isolate
themselves from any sexual contact for fear of infecting others.
Horror stories such as those in Time have helped to create a
nationwide hysteria. Three common myths about herpes have arisen:
1. Herpes is a rare, horrible disease. The truth is that herpes
is simply a virus. The overwhelming majority of us catch
herpes, just as most of us are infected by flu and cold
viruses. Seventy-five percent of Americans catch chicken-pox,
which is a form of herpes. Most of us also get cold sores on
our lips or mouth, which are also caused by a herpes virus.
Mononucleosis (more commonly known as the "kissing disease")
is also a type of herpes.
Genital herpes (herpes simplex II) causes sores on the
genitals which can be quite painful. Up to 20 million
Americans are estimated to have suffered from genital herpes,
with a half million new cases occurring each year.
2. Once you get herpes, it always reoccurs. It's true that
herpes germs stay with you all of your life but this doesn't
mean that you will constantly experience symptoms. Very few
people experience a recurrence of the chicken-pox, for
example. According to Paulette Liebman in Whole Life Times
(July--August, 1982), one-third of those who catch genital
herpes suffer only one attack. The remaining two-thirds "have
recurring attacks once a year to once a month."
3. Only the sexually promiscuous get genital herpes. This simply
isn't true. Many people get herpes who never have sex with
anyone other than a spouse or steady lover. Since most lovers
are unfaithful at least some of the time, chastity may be the
only effective method for avoiding infection. Even this is in
doubt, since there even is some evidence that herpes can be
caught without sexual contact.
While herpes is certainly a health hazard that should not be
ignored, it isn't the end of the world. It can be a severe
problem for pregnant women, since the fetus is likely to die
from herpes infection unless there is Caesarean delivery. For
the rest of us, herpes is one of many viruses we risk
catching when we associate with others, particularly on an
intimate level. The solution is to become a hermit.
Otherwise, go out and meet people and take your chances.
What do you do if you catch herpes? As with any illness, there are
two things you should do. The first is to get it treated medically.
While there is no cure for herpes, your physician or pharmacist can
suggest medications that can reduce the discomfort and shorten the
duration of symptoms. The second thing to do is avoid infecting
others. Should you tell prospective lovers/spouses that you have had
genital herpes? This is a difficult moral dilemma, since there is a
small danger of infecting them even if you're careful and only have
sex when you aren't experiencing symptoms. Unfortunately, because of
the exaggerated fear of herpes in this country, being open about
previous infection will greatly diminish your chances of making good
romantic contact. How do others deal with this question?
Robert is a 38 year old bricklayer. "I found that telling women
about my past experience with herpes was the kiss of death. They never
wanted to have anything to do with me afterwards. Now I just keep
quiet about it. If I ever get deeply involved with a lady, I'll tell
her about the herpes."
Caroline is a 31 year old bartender. "I made the mistake of not
telling my boyfriend that I had had herpes. I avoided sexual
intercourse with him whenever I had symptoms but one time I noticed
too late and he wound up catching it. He dumped me and claimed it
wasn't because of the herpes but because I hadn't been honest with
him."
Sarge is a 66 year old retired master sergeant. "I never tell a
girl I've had herpes unless we get serious. Then I tell her because I
just don't feel comfortable keeping secrets from someone I care for."
Laura is 20 years old and seeking employment. "I don't have the
nerve to tell anyone I've had herpes. I keep my mouth shut and hope
nobody ever catches it from me."
Noreen is a 42 year old employment counselor. "I only tell men if
I've dated them for a while. I figure that if a guy dumps me because
of herpes then he must not really care that much for me, so good
riddance. I don't tell a guy the first few times I date him, however.
That's just plain suicide."
Sanford is a 54 year old college professor. "I told a lady at a
singles club about my past herpes problem. Not only did she stop
seeing me but she also blabbed to her friends. Once the word was out,
nobody in the club would date me. Maybe it's just my imagination, but
some people even seemed to shy away from sitting next to me."
OTHER VENEREAL DISEASES
A.I.D.S. and herpes have taken the headlines away from syphilis
and gonorrhea, but these two diseases are still widespread throughout
the nation. Unlike herpes, these are dangerous illnesses that must be
treated. Fortunately, again unlike A.I.D.S. and herpes, there are
cures. See your physician or go to a special, low-cost VD clinic if
one is in your area. Next to chastity, use of a condom is the most
effective way to prevent syphilis and gonorrhea.
INFIDELITY
More romantic relationships have foundered over the rock of
infidelity than possibly any other cause. Why do most of us demand
that our lovers be faithful? Sue Ann is a 44 year old travel agent. "I
don't know why it's so important to me. I guess part of it is my
insecurity. Dave is a charming guy and I know there are a lot of
single women out there. I don't think I could bear losing him so I
have a tendency to make a fool of myself when I see him talking to
other women."
Roland is a 24 year old factory worker. "I take pride in the fact
that I was Ruth's first and only lover. I hope I never catch some guy
in bed with her because I'd probably blow him away."
Regardless of the reasons, infidelity puts a great strain on most
romantic relationships. Ideally we would all be faithful to one
another. Unfortunately, most people find that even if they are in
love, they still are sexually attracted to others. Marital vows or
commitments don't change human nature. We tend to be promiscuous in
our fantasies, if not in reality. Many of us simply are unwilling or
unable to be faithful to one person. The Kinsey Report back in the
1920s revealed that 80% of men and 30% of women were unfaithful to
their spouses. More recent surveys by Redbook and Cosmopolitan
magazines suggest that 50% or more of women practice infidelity at
some time during their marriages.
One way of dealing with the question of infidelity is to have an
agreement with your lover that it's okay to be unfaithful. If you
don't promise to be faithful, theoretically there is no cause for
resentment over other lovers. There are many different types of
agreements that can work:
1. Both of you have total freedom.
2. If you take another lover, you must admit it and give your
partner the same option.
3. If either of you takes a lover, it must be purely a physical
relationship.
4. Either of you may take a lover but must keep it secret so the
other person isn't hurt.
Alex is a 58 year old grocer. "Lorraine and I have an agreement
not to tell if one of us takes a lover. I don't know if she's ever
stepped out on me. If she does, I hope I never find out because it
would really hurt. I have had two secret affairs. Lorraine never did
find out and I had a ball. My affairs were a very positive experience
for me and even Lorraine benefited indirectly. I became more turned on
to her and to life and was a better lover and companion because of
that."
Another option is to promise fidelity but cheat discreetly. This
is based on the premise that "what they don't know can't hurt them."
There are several drawbacks, however, to infidelity on the sly:
1. The possibility of discovery. Laura is a 31 year old maid. "I
was very careful about my extra-marital love affairs. Paul
was always at the office so I was free to play around at
home. Unfortunately, one day he came home to surprise me. He
sure succeeded. He couldn't handle finding me in bed with
another man and divorced me."
Doris is a 39 year old saleswoman. "I was sure I never would
be discovered. Otherwise I never would have risked my
relationship with Steve. I took every precaution: I only
cheated when I was out of town and that was with one man
only. He claimed that he wasn't sleeping with anyone else but
me. I wound up catching herpes from him and having to explain
to my boyfriend why he caught it. We're still going together
but I don't know if Steve has totally forgiven me."
2. The fear of discovery. Even if you successfully conceal your
romantic escapades, you may find yourself living in fear that
someday you will slip or the unexpected will lead to
discovery. Gail is a 26 year old secretary. "I developed an
ulcer from all the worry that Jack might find out I was
unfaithful to him."
3. The problem of guilt. This is a very destructive emotion. It
can wreak havoc on your self-esteem and emotional health.
Tony is a 56 year old corporation executive. "I always
intended to be faithful to Annie but my secretary's passes
were just too tempting. I wound up paying for my illicit
pleasures--with guilt. I had to break off my affair because I
just couldn't live with myself."
4. The loss of intimacy. Joe is a 41 year old salesman. "Mary
and I had the perfect relationship. We were as open and
honest as could be. I never met anyone before that I could
trust with all of my deepest secrets. On a business trip, I
slept with a customer. When I got back home, I wanted to tell
Mary but I just couldn't. I was afraid that she might dump
me. That was unthinkable. For the first time I kept a secret
from her. We're still close but now some of the magic is
gone. There's an unacknowledged barrier between us that
didn't exist before."
DEVIANT FANTASIES
You probably have sexual fantasies that deviate from the norm. How
you react to them has an immense effect on your psychological health.
If you fail to accept your sexual thoughts and desires as a natural
part of being human, you may do irreparable damage to your self-
esteem. You will also cripple your capacity for healthy sexual
relationships.
Repressing your sexual impulses doesn't destroy them. It only
drives them underground where they fester. Trying to avoid "sick"
desires and "perversions" gives them an exaggerated importance and
sometimes an emotional stranglehold over your sexuality.
As an example, millions of men and women are unable to deal with
their homosexual fantasies. It's common to repress any attraction to
your own sex for fear of being a "faggot" or "dyke". The irony is that
many experts believe that no one is exclusively heterosexual--that to
some extent we are all attracted to our own sex. Dr. Albert Ellis uses
a Robinson Crusoe analogy where you are alone on a desert island with
someone of your own sex. Ellis claims that there would have to be
something wrong with you if you didn't indulge in homosexuality.
Regardless of whether or not this is true, the fact is that homosexual
desires (and actions) are quite prevalent among supposed
heterosexuals. The Kinsey Report revealed that 38% of the adult male
population of the United States had engaged in at least one homosexual
act "to the point of orgasm."
The tragedy is that we are taught to be ashamed of feelings and
fantasies that deviate from society's mores. Ideally, we should be
able to experience any feeling without guilt, shame or criticism. Our
penal system punishes people for their actions rather than their
thoughts and desires. If all of us who have fantasized about murder,
rape or robbery were incarcerated, there might not be any jailers left
to supervise the criminals. What should you do if you have
uncomfortable desires?
1. Stop trying to run away from them. To paraphrase Joe Louis,
you can run away from yourself, but you can't hide.
2. Realize that as crazy, bizarre, or abnormal as your fantasies
may seem to be, there probably are millions of otherwise
"healthy" people who have very similar experiences. The
reason you feel alone is because most people, like you, don't
broadcast to the world their deviations.
3. Remember that you're in control and don't necessarily have to
act on any of your fantasies. If you feel that you are in
danger of losing control and doing something you will regret,
locate a therapist to help you.
4. Keep in mind that there are millions of happy, well adjusted
"normal" people who have sexual lifestyles that violate
social conventions. Be an individual and follow the dictates
of your conscience.
TOWARDS BEING A GOOD LOVER
Being a good lover is difficult in a society that imposes so many
rules and expectations upon sex. It may be valuable for you to keep
the following suggestions in mind:
1. Sex is supposed to be fun, not a job. If you are overly
serious about your lovemaking, you have the wrong attitude.
2. Learn to relax and let things happen. Every sexual experience
doesn't have to be a "success". Some sex is good and some is
bad. If you have heavy expectations, you will probably be too
uptight to let go and really enjoy yourself.
3. Take it slow. Sex is something to be savored, not rushed.
4. Be open to experimentation. There are many ways to make love
other than the "missionary position" under the covers with
the lights out. You don't have to memorize the Kama Sutra or
master hundreds of acrobatic positions. Just remember that
"variety is the spice of life." Most couples have boring sex
lives, which is a major contributor to the nation's high
divorce rate. Boredom comes from routine, so be adventurous
in your loveplay.
--------------
WHEN LOVE DIES
--------------
Sexual attraction can cause us to fall head-over-heels in love.
Temporarily it can compensate for important needs that go unmet. At
some point, however, the fire of sexual attraction diminishes. The
relationship then must move from a falling in love stage to what Erich
Fromm calls "standing in love." This is a deeper but less-consuming
love based on intimacy. The following obstacles must be faced and
overcome if the relationship is to endure.
EIGHT RELATIONSHIP KILLERS
1. Non-acceptance. All of us have the right to be ourselves and
not have to live up to the expectations of others. If you
pressure your partner to change into someone else, the result
is usually hostility and resistance. Eventually your nagging
becomes unbearable and love vanishes.
2. Concealing negative feelings. Hostility, frustration,
jealousy, are frequently withheld in relationships. Holding
back these negative feelings results in the loss of positive
feelings as well.
3. Lack of listening. Expressing your own feelings is not
enough--you must also be open to what your partner has to
say. Otherwise your lover's feelings remain unknown to you
until they explode.
4. Complacency. This is taking your partner for granted ("he/she
can't do without me" or "who'd marry her/him but me?"). There
are numerous tragic stories about partners who did find
someone else despite long years invested in a marriage. Even
if your lover doesn't literally leave you, taking him or her
for granted can result in an emotional divorce. The
relationship remains in form but not substance.
If you find yourself feeling complacent about a relationship,
ask yourself how you would feel if you lost your partner. If
the grass looks greener on the other side, talk to your
single friends to remind yourself about loneliness and the
difficulty of finding the right person.
Don't assume that everything is going fine in your
relationship just because your partner appears happy and
doesn't make any serious complaints. Your lover may be
concealing all kinds of feelings. Your job is to find out
where your partner is at emotionally. Presuming that he or
she is satisfied is a disastrous error and can lead to your
finding yourself suddenly single again. Pretend every once in
a while that you're wooing your partner all over again. Make
sure that important needs are not going unmet.
5. Disrespect. There is an old saying that familiarity breeds
contempt. We have a tendency to treat strangers with more
respect than our loved ones. Make it the other way around.
Your romantic partner is the most important person in your
life and deserves your best behavior, not your worst.
Intimacy is no excuse for discourtesy or cruelty. Insults or
shabby treatment are not more permissible because they come
from you--they hurt all the more because your actions and
opinions are much more important to your loved one than those
of others.
6. Inability to compromise. While it's true that people are
either compatible or they aren't, that doesn't mean that you
can avoid major compromises to make a relationship work.
There are some areas where it is possible to be tolerant and
accepting of differences and others where an agreement must
be reached. For example:
* Child-rearing. Couples must agree on how to raise any
children they may have. Even if the children are your
own by a previous marriage, your new partner must have a
say in how they are raised. There is no way that your
loved one can be a disinterested spectator. Consistency
from the adults in a home is vital. Opposing systems of
discipline and reward will only lead to confusion or
even in the child playing one adult off on the other.
Couples must sit down and discuss, argue or negotiate a
joint method of raising the children. More importantly,
both of you must carry out your agreements and not
revert to your own method of child-rearing.
* Lifestyle. If one of you is a jet-setter and the other a
homebody, the relationship is in deep trouble. The same
holds true if one person wants to live in the country
and the other is a city-slicker. One or both of you will
have to make significant concessions if you are to stay
together.
* Money. Surveys indicate that money is the cause of more
arguments among couples than anything else. Mammoth
struggles have arisen over choices between a new set of
golf clubs or a new jacket; a trip to Hawaii or a nest
egg in the bank; hiring a maid or sending the kids off
to a private school. One person in a relationship is
usually more liberal about spending money than the other
and a compromise must be reached.
7. Growing apart. Invariably, people change. An ideal marriage
20 years ago may have evolved into an uneven relationship
between two people with radically different values, desires,
goals, talents and levels of maturity. You must either grow
together or grow apart.
8. Isolation. Frequently couples withdraw into their own little
worlds and cut off social contact with friends and relatives.
Patrick is a 43 year old body and fender man. "Lola couldn't
stand my mom so I had to pretty much cut off contact with my
parents. She also didn't think much of my friends, so
persuading her to visit my buddies or have them over for
dinner was a real hassle. Lola wanted us to be an intimate
twosome and was jealous of any contact I had with others,
even though she knew I would never cheat on her. She just
wasn't the sociable type. As the years went by, we found
ourselves more and more alone. I know it sounds strange but I
started to feel very lonely despite the fact that Lola was
always around. I guess a lot of my needs just weren't getting
met. We wound up splitting up."
There's nothing really surprising about Patrick's loneliness.
No one person, no matter how wonderful, can totally fulfill
you. Platonic relationships with relatives or friends are
crucial to your psychological health as well as the health of
your romantic relationship. Otherwise, you will place all of
your needs on the shoulders of your partner, which is a
crushing burden.
A certain amount of compromise is required concerning in-laws
and non-mutual friends. While it's unfair for your partner to
expect you to like his or her parents or friends, it is
likewise ridiculous for you to demand that your partner
abandon relationships with these people just because you
don't like them. Your choice is to either sacrifice
occasionally and put up with your partner's social circle or
give your partner permission to pursue these relationships
independently of you.
While you're still single, it's easy to dismiss the previous
section by saying, "I'll never make those mistakes." It is guaranteed,
however, that you will have to confront most if not all of the
Relationship Killers in your next love relationship. Refer back to
them at that time and make sure your love doesn't die needlessly.
All the books and good intentions of the world aren't enough to
save a relationship sometimes. At some point you may be faced with the
problem of what to do after your love dies. You may be tempted to put
off a final dissolution for fear of hurting your partner.
Unfortunately, procrastination rarely makes things easier. Allowing a
relationship to gradually deteriorate usually leads to a great deal of
bickering and resentment. Eventually you reach the point where you are
so sick of the relationship that you are forced to end it immediately.
The result is a nasty, unpleasant break-up. The tragedy is that you
might have been able to part as friends if you had ended things when
you were still on relatively good terms. While most relationships do
end painfully for one or both partners, the ideal is to salvage some
good and still be friends.
Dave is a 35 year old attorney. "I knew for a long time that Emily
and I were going to have to split up. I know it sounds rotten, but I
just got tired of her. She was a nice person but there just wasn't
enough for me to stay interested. If there was something awful about
her, it would have been easy to break off but I had no justification.
What was I going to tell her--she was wonderful but I just didn't want
to stay with her?
"Once I realized that I wanted to split up, it's amazing how
things got bad so fast. We started fighting over ridiculous little
things. I began to show up late for dates. I criticized Emily a lot,
also. I guess I resented being stuck in the relationship and took it
out on her. Anyway, things got so bad I couldn't take it. Emily was
really angry when I told her I didn't want to date her anymore. I
asked if we could still be friends and she laughed in my face. We work
in the same office and believe me it's been hell for the last six
months. I make sure to steer clear of Emily for fear of getting a
withering stare."
Contrast this with the experience of Ginny, who is 34 years old
and unemployed. "Don and I had a torrid romance for a few months. He
had everything that turned me on in a man: looks, personality,
strength. Unfortunately, the intellectual stimulation wasn't there.
You can only make love so many hours and then you have to talk. I got
tired of hearing about sports cars.
"Deciding to break up was tough. As I expected, Don was very hurt.
He wanted to know what he could do to change and I told him nothing. I
don't think there's anything bad about him--he's just not the one for
me.
"It took a few months for us to start seeing each other again--on
a platonic level. Now Don is one of the best friends I have. Anytime I
want to go to a ball game, I give him a call and we have a great time.
I'm even friends with his new girlfriend. I'm so glad my relationship
with Don didn't have to end completely."
Sometimes breaking up is not a clear-cut decision. You may have
mixed feelings and not know what is best. First, you need to determine
whether it's possible to salvage the relationship. While it's true
that people usually won't make radical changes for you, some changes
are not so difficult. Ask yourself the following three questions:
1. Have I expressed my dissatisfaction to my partner in a clear,
non-threatening way? For example, saying "You're rotten"
doesn't help your partner change. It's overly vague as well
as insulting. Change is much more likely if you express
yourself in one of the following ways:
"I don't feel loved by you."
"I don't feel respected by you."
"I feel bored in this relationship."
"My sexual needs aren't being met."
"I feel lonely when you are away all the time."
"I don't feel heard by you."
"Your temper tantrums hurt me."
2. Have I made specific requests for change? Instead of asking
your partner to "Be more loving" or "respect me more" or "be
more exciting," have you specified exactly what you want?
"I would like you to kiss me more often."
"I would like you to stop interrupting me when I speak."
"I would like us to visit other people besides your
friends."
"I would like to make love at least four times a week."
"I would like you to cut your business travel in half."
"I would like to have a no shouting rule."
3. Has my partner refused to make the specific changes I have
requested?
Unless you can answer yes to all three of these questions, you are
giving up on your relationship prematurely. Give your partner the
opportunity to change, even if you are pessimistic about the chances
of success. If you give your partner a fair chance and nothing
changes, ask yourself three more questions:
1. Am I likely to find someone better? An appropriate analogy is
getting rid of your used car only to buy another clunker that
is even worse. Change is not always good. Anyone who says
things can't get any worse is a fool. Things can always get
worse. After ending a partially unsatisfactory relationship,
you may find yourself in one far worse.
Strangers often look more attractive than your partner. The
reason is that you know your partner's faults but are
probably ignorant of those of a stranger. All you can see is
the attractive exterior of someone new. Make sure you don't
end a semi-good relationship unless you have reasonable
prospects of building a better one with someone else. Avoid
the mistake the next two people made.
Sally is a 30 year old billing clerk. "When I broke up with
Carl, I was sure I had made the right decision. Carl was the
John Wayne, silent type who didn't express his feelings. I
started dating guys who were the complete opposite and
finally settled on Jerry. Everything was groovy--for a while.
Then Jerry started flying off the handle over little things.
He even threatened suicide a few times. Life with him was an
emotional roller coaster. At least Carl was stable and
comfortable to be with. What a mistake I made letting him
go."
Elmer is a 43 year old stockbroker. "Doris was a great
homemaker and mother but she didn't have much pizzazz. After
twenty years of marriage, she felt like a comfortable old
shoe. Irene, on the other hand, was sure exciting. I married
her and had a ball! We were always out dancing and partying.
We'd fly to Hawaii and Puerto Vallarta. Unfortunately, we
started fighting over little things. When I come home, I
expect food on the table and a clean house. Irene often
neglected these duties, especially if she had a hangover. At
other times, she would nag me because I was tired when I got
home and didn't have the energy to go out and paint the town
red. She was particularly sullen if I wasn't up to
lovemaking. Sometimes the pressures of my job were
overwhelming and I just couldn't get it up. Irene never could
understand that. The worse fights were over money. I earn a
good income but I can't afford the lifestyle of a sheik.
Maybe I would have been better off staying with Doris. She
may not have been the most exciting woman in the world but
she sure was easy to get along with."
2. Do I have the courage and strength to go it alone
indefinitely? There are no guarantees that you will find a
replacement right away. Are you going to have the patience to
stick to your standards and wait for the right person to come
along?
3. Am I sure that I want to break up the relationship because it
has gone sour, rather than because it has become too
intimate? If you have been hurt in the past, you may have
subconsciously resolved to never let it happen again. You may
find yourself wanting to end a relationship just as it is
getting good. Don't allow fear of love to ruin a wonderful
relationship. A better alternative is to share your fear with
your partner. You may find that this sharing makes you less
afraid. Your partner will probably be supportive emotionally.
You may also find that your relationship becomes far more
intimate.
If you answered the last three questions affirmatively, your
course is obvious: end the relationship as quickly and gently as
possible.
GETTING OUT OF A COMFORTABLE RELATIONSHIP
Joannie is a 48 year old widow. "Pete and I have broken up and
gotten together again countless times. We know that there's no way
we're ever going to get our needs met with each other but it sure is
nice to have someone to fall back on."
Sometimes a comfortable relationship isn't beneficial. It can be
an insurmountable obstacle to establishing a new relationship with
someone more compatible. If you fear you are in this kind of
situation, ask yourself the following question: "Do I lose the
motivation to meet others because of my comfortable relationship?"
Looking for someone new often requires hard work and a willingness to
suffer the pain of rejection and disappointment. If you find that your
motivation to meet new people is low, the likely culprit is your long-
standing relationship. You may be better off severing those ties in
order to free yourself for the possibility of a much more satisfying
romance.
FIFTY WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER
Paul Simon struck gold when he recorded this song. How do you end
an unsatisfactory relationship? The best way, of course, is in person,
unless you're physically afraid of what your partner might do. Have
the courtesy to provide an explanation, but be careful not to blame
your lover for the breakup or make accusations. Make "I" statements
that express how unhappy you are about your needs going unmet.
How do you handle lovers who promise to reform? That depends on
whether you believe them. If they have made the same promises before
and failed to keep them, the logical question is "How can I be sure
you mean business this time?" Unless they can come up with an awfully
good answer, you would be foolish to believe them and persist in the
relationship. On the other hand, if they haven't broken these specific
promises, you might be wise to give them a chance. Be realistic,
however. "A leopard doesn't change its spots." Don't believe people
who promise to change their feelings or basic character. Only specific
changes in behavior are likely.
SURVIVING THE LOSS
While it is often very difficult to initiate a break in a
relationship, the real trauma comes when you suffer the misfortune of
losing a loved one involuntarily. This usually creates a gaping hole
in your life. You probably took for granted needs that were
automatically being met by the relationship. Now they rear their ugly
heads.
Losing a relationship due to death is tragic, but at least
widowhood doesn't damage your self-esteem (unless you feel responsible
for your partner dying). If you are dropped, however, you are likely
to feel unattractive ("otherwise I wouldn't have been dumped").
Whether you are widowed, separated, or divorced, however, usually the
common problem is how to mend a broken heart. You may become
chronically lonely and depressed. You may constantly be obsessed about
your lost lover so that you have difficulty thinking about anything
else. You may despair of ever finding the right person again. Even
worse is the possibility that you will be so traumatized by the
experience that you never again open your heart to love. You give up
on romance and become a lonely, bitter, closed person--for the rest of
your life.
If you're getting over the loss of a relationship, it's common to
fear that you're going insane. Be aware that a period of "craziness"
is normal under these circumstances. On the average, it goes on for
six months, although it certainly can continue longer. During this
time, you find yourself on an emotional roller coaster of swiftly
changing feelings. You may suffer from loss of sleep and appetite. You
are also more likely to become physically ill since your body's
resistance to disease goes down during times of stress.
Fortunately, therapists have made tremendous advances in treating
this problem. Losing a relationship need not lead to interminable pain
and scarring of the psyche. What can you do so you not only survive
the loss but also actually bounce back as good as new?
Keeping so busy that you don't have time to experience the loss
doesn't work, unless your attachment to your partner is minimal. You
are running what is ultimately going to be a losing race from reality.
Escaping into a new romantic relationship doesn't work either.
Relationships on the rebound seldom succeed. When they end, you're
back at square one: dealing with the loss of a loved one.
The first step in mending a broken heart is going through a period
of mourning. If you have been widowed, this is obvious, but the same
holds true if you have been "dumped". A precious relationship has
literally died. The important thing is to keep your period of mourning
as short as possible so you can move on to more cheerful times. It is
important to mourn properly:
1. Go through an "orgy" of mourning. The key is to overdose
during your mourning period so you rapidly get sick of it.
Rather than try to avoid painful thoughts, memories, and
feelings, exaggerate them. Dr. Matthew McKay, a clinical
psychologist, suggests you actually "erect a shrine" to your
loved one. Keep all of the sacred mementos of your
relationship (articles of clothing, jewelry, awards, letters,
poems, photos, etc.) in a drawer and sit and look at them for
two hours each day. This may be agonizing but it's better to
get it over with quickly than drag out the mourning
indefinitely.
2. Mourn on schedule, rather than when you feel like it. As
human beings, we tend to rebel against anything involuntary.
This is even true with mourning. If you only mourn when it
feels right or convenient, you may never get sick of it. Only
by forcing yourself every day to spend a designated amount of
time in mourning, no matter how painful, can you become
sufficiently sickened to want to end it.
3. Focus exclusively on your lost relationship. Don't allow your
mind to wander to other lost loves or problems in your life.
We all have a tendency to generalize when we are depressed
and think that everything in life is bad and there is no
hope. You can avoid this by disciplining yourself to
concentrate only on your lost relationship during your
mourning time. Allow yourself to get depressed about other
problems only during your "free time," that is, when you are
not mourning your lost loved one.
4. Make appointments with yourself to mourn at favorite places
you visited with your loved one (restaurants, parks, museums,
sunsets, the beach, etc.).
5. Keep busy when you're not mourning. As much as possible,
limit your mourning to the designated periods and fill the
rest of your time with meaningful activities. This is the
antidote for depression. Unfortunately, if your depression is
deep, you may not have the motivation to do anything other
than wallow in your misery. If you find yourself to be almost
devoid of motivation to do anything, the following
suggestions may be helpful.
* Make a list of all the things you normally find
enjoyable.
* Prepare a weekly schedule that includes these enjoyable
activities, chores around the house and other
responsibilities. For example, Murray, a 48 year old
newly divorced man, prepared the following schedule:
Monday night: visit Bill (his brother)
Tuesday night: go out folk dancing
Wednesday night: stay home and watch "Goldfinger" on
television
Thursday night: clean the oven and kitchen
Friday night: go out dancing
Saturday: do errands, play golf and then go
over to Marilyn's house for dinner
(Marilyn is a friend)
Sunday: lay out in the sun and then read a
Perry Mason novel that night.
* Force yourself to follow the schedule. Remember that
your natural tendency is to be too lazy or depressed to
do these things. Do them anyway. The secret to fighting
depression is to get moving. What you do is less
important than that you do something--anything--other
than sitting home and feeling depressed.
RECONCILIATION
The normal response to being dropped is to hope for
reconciliation. If you want to leave the door open for this, try to
avoid the following:
1. Screaming. Yelling at loved ones isn't going to get them
back.
2. Insulting. Calling them names or accusing them of infidelity
will likewise only push them farther away.
3. Begging. If the person needs to be begged to stay with you,
obviously there are no prospects for a happy, healthy and
stable relationship. Begging only makes you look pathetic and
contemptible.
Your beloved may have a change of heart and come back, but not
because of anything you do. If your former partner discovers a need
for you, it's possible that a reconciliation will occur. Your attempts
to encourage this, however, will only backfire.
THE GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY
It may be trite, but every cloud can have a silver lining. If you
asked the millions of happy couples in this country, they would tell
you how glad they are that their previous relationships failed,
despite the heartache. Being single is a golden opportunity to meet
someone special. This book is aimed at helping you find that person as
quickly as possible. Suppose you follow the suggestions given and
still don't meet the right person. What's the problem?
1. You may be afraid of love. You may need more time to recover
from a broken relationship. If years have gone by and you
still aren't ready for a new love, see a psychotherapist.
2. You may have a fatal flaw: something about you that turns
people off. It may be the way you dress or smell or something
more subtle. If you have close friends, ask them what it
might be. Put some pressure on them by letting them know how
important it is for you to discover the problem, no matter
how embarrassing it may be.
3. You may not be working hard enough to find the right person.
Redouble your efforts.
4. On the other hand, you may be trying too hard. Don't scare
people off by being too serious about making contact with
them. Relax and be "cool" when you meet people. Don't think
you have to hit it off with every single you meet. There is
no limit to the number of attractive people. You only have to
succeed with one of them.
5. You haven't waited long enough. The person you are hoping to
meet may come along tomorrow--or next year. There is such a
thing as luck and maybe you haven't been blessed with it so
far. Try to be patient and wait for your luck to change. In
the meantime, it's crucial that you make your single
lifestyle as comfortable as possible, so you don't get
desperate and escape into a relationship with someone
inappropriate. You need to be happily single, which is the
topic of the next chapter.
------------------------
HOW TO BE HAPPILY SINGLE
------------------------
Cindy is 30 years old. Her husband Bill recently died in a
motorcycle accident. There was no life insurance. Since she's never
worked outside her home, she's having difficulty finding employment.
She spends most of her time in her studio apartment alone, since she
has little money to go out and have a good time. She finds herself
less welcome at her friends' homes--she's now the only single in a
social circle of couples. Her friend Elizabeth has even admitted to a
fear that "you may try to move in on my husband now that you're single
and lonely." Cindy finds herself economically and emotionally
depressed. She spends a lot of time meditating on how "unfair life
is."
Mickey is a 43 year old liquor salesman. His wife divorced him
because "we're no longer on the same wavelength." She got the house
and the kids; Mickey got most of the bills and the burden of finding
another place to live.
Cindy and Bill are discovering the liabilities of the single
lifestyle. They have joined 60 million Americans who must answer two
vital questions: I) how do I survive financially as a single; and 2)
how do I deal with the loneliness?
WHERE TO LIVE
An important decision that affects both questions is whether to
live alone (assuming that you don't have custody over children) or
with others. There are many advantages to living alone, particularly
the privacy. Before choosing this option, however, consider the two
main disadvantages: the added expense and the danger of loneliness. If
you should decide to live alone, three low-cost options are: living on
a boat, in a mobile home, or in a studio (one-room) apartment. If you
decide that it would be more advantageous to live with others,
consider the following options:
1. Living with relatives (e.g., your parents, adult children,
siblings).
2. Living with friends.
3. Living with strangers.
If you should decide to live with relatives or friends, ask
yourself whether you are willing to risk the loss of a valuable
relationship. You may discover that you can appreciate your friends or
relatives in small doses but not fulltime. If you should decide to
live with strangers, there are several things you need to consider.
1. Do I want to live with someone of the same or opposite sex?
Living with someone of the same sex is more common but many
singles claim that residing platonically with someone of the
opposite sex is better. Ellen is a 38 year old divorcee.
"I've tried rooming with women but we wind up competing for
the same guys. Living with a man is far easier. Besides, it's
nice to have a man around the house."
Don't make the mistake of assuming that it's impossible for
people of the opposite sex to be platonic roommates. Millions
of singles have successfully lived together without sexual
interaction.
2. Do I want to live with one roommate or many? Communal
households of three or more singles are not uncommon in this
country. One advantage is you can afford to rent a far larger
and more expensive home. Communal households even exist in
mansions.
3. Do I have the personality or temperament to live harmoniously
with a stranger? If you are the type who finds it difficult
to tolerate bad habits, it might be better to go it alone.
4. Where do I locate my roommate(s)? The typical way is to place
or answer an ad in the classified section of your local
newspaper. Other sources of ads are bulletin boards in
laundromats, supermarkets, churches and college campuses.
Roommate bureaus can also be an excellent way. Usually you
receive kitchen privileges as well as your own bedroom.
Another possibility is living in a boarding house where you
receive your meals as well as lodging.
If you do decide to live with others, it's advisable to be clear
before moving in concerning how the household chores will be
distributed. A harmonious household of singles is possible only if
everyone takes equal responsibility for making the home clean and
comfortable. Otherwise there will be constant resentments and
arguments. Many communal households set up rigid schedules as to when
the cleaning will be done and who will perform the necessary chores.
If you have custody over children, you obviously have less freedom
of action. The suggestions above are still appropriate, however. It is
becoming more and more common for single parents and their children to
live in communal households with similar families.
FINANCIAL SURVIVAL
Two may not be able to live as cheaply as one, but it certainly is
more economical. Men who have just split with their wives often have
to support two households. The former wife doesn't have things much
better. For example, Alexandra is a 39 year old former school teacher.
"When I divorced Martin, I was super-confident that I would have no
financial problems. I had been a school teacher for several years
before my marriage and figured that I could always go back to the
classroom. The only problem was that my teaching credential had
expired. I would have had to go back to college and take several
courses. Even if I got the credential renewed, teaching jobs are few
and far between. I was stuck with Martin's alimony payments, which
weren't enough to live on and continue with the mortgage payments. I
lost my home and had to live like a poor person for the first time in
my life."
Andy is a 42 year old businessman. "I thought that the hard part
of adjusting to the divorce was going to be missing my children. It
turned out that my biggest problem was poverty. I had to move from our
comfortable middle class home in the suburbs to a studio apartment in
the city. Vacations, golfing, expensive clothes all became luxuries
that I just couldn't afford. The worst thing was having to learn how
to cook, since I couldn't afford to eat out. It isn't much fun being a
member of the Swanson set."
If you're newly divorced, there are several things you can do to
insure that being single doesn't become economic disaster.
1. Use or develop a high-paying skill. If you have been out of
the job market for a long time or have a low paying job, it's
vital to make some changes. There are a number of options you
need to consider if you don't have the prerequisites for a
high-paying job:
* going back to college and completing a degree
* going to graduate school and getting an advanced degree
* going to a commercial school that teaches a specific
skill (e.g., real estate, radio-television announcing,
cosmetology, secretarial skills, data processing)
* taking a correspondence course through the mail
* learning a valuable skill at a community college or
government retraining center.
The crucial thing, of course, is to develop a marketable
skill. Studying liberal arts probably won't enable you to get
a high-paying job. If you're in a financial position to
support yourself comfortably without learning a new skill,
then by all means take courses for enjoyment or the love of
learning.
Be aware of the hazards of working full-time during the day
and studying part-time at night. Millions have done it, but
it's no picnic. Make sure that you have the physical and
mental toughness to succeed with a work/ school lifestyle.
2. Learn about money. There are numerous adult education classes
available at local high schools and community colleges
dealing with money management and related subjects. Along
with learning valuable information, you also might meet
someone special.
3. Investigate low-cost or free community services. The local
legal aid society may be able to help you with your legal
needs. Free medical care is often available, as well as free
or low-cost psychotherapy. You may have to put some real time
and effort into locating these community services, but they
are there. Call your local newspaper, church, community
agency or city hall for information.
4. Avoid plastic. Credit cards can be the road to bankruptcy.
Unless you are sure that your income will soon increase
significantly, it makes no sense to go out and purchase
expensive clothes, furniture, appliances, etc.
5. Don't be afraid to ask for help from friends and relatives.
Asking for a loan can be risky: it may put a strain on an
important friendship. On the other hand, it may be better to
temporarily impose on someone than live a bleak existence.
6. Consider the possibility of joining the armed forces. The pay
isn't good but at least your basic financial needs will be
met. There are also extensive training programs that teach
valuable skills. Veteran's benefits are also available to
finance a return to school when you leave the military.
7. Learn how to develop a budget and live by it. If your spouse
always handled financial matters, you may find yourself
unable to keep your income and expenditures in balance. There
are numerous books that teach you how to plan a budget. You
may prefer to take a course at a local school or college. If
you want to teach yourself how to budget, start by listing
the following:
* long-term debts and financial obligations and when they
are due.
* monthly "automatic" expenses (e.g., rent, alimony, child
support, food, clothing, auto expenses, insurance).
* discretionary expenses (e.g., entertainment, sports,
socializing).
* sources of income, including wages, dividends, etc.
Hopefully your expenses will be balanced by your income.
Otherwise you need to eliminate or reduce some expenses or
increase your income. Remember that it's easy to plan a
budget. The hard part is sticking to it, no matter how much
it hurts.
After you find yourself above water financially and living
comfortably, your next goal may be to achieve financial independence.
Then you won't be tempted to marry in order to enhance your lifestyle.
LONELINESS
Simenauer & Carroll report that 85% of singles complain about
loneliness, making it the most common and most painful experience of
singles. Unfortunately, the lonelier you are the more likely you are
to become desperate and get involved with inappropriate people.
You are likely to feel most lonely under the following
circumstances:
1. Holidays, particularly Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's
Eve.
2. Friday and Saturday nights (if you don't have a date or a
relationship, it can be embarrassing as well as lonely).
3. Birthdays.
4. When someone close to you dies. A sense of your own mortality
can overwhelm you at such times. The result is depression and
loneliness.
STRATEGIES FOR DEALING WITH LONELINESS
1. Be prepared. Don't be surprised when loneliness strikes. For
most of us it is inevitable, particularly during the periods
listed above. If you realize that loneliness is coming, it
won't be so traumatic.
2. Accept it. Running away from loneliness doesn't work in the
long run. Say, "this is just one of the times that I feel
lonely and I'll just have to grin and bear it." As J.
Krishnamurti put it, "When the pain of loneliness comes upon
you, confront it, look at it without any thought of running
away. If you run away, you will never understand it and it
will always be there waiting for you around the corner."
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EXERCISE
If you have trouble being alone for even short periods of time,
you need to toughen yourself.
a. Schedule a specific amount of time for being alone. You may
wish to start with one hour.
b. Eliminate escapes from your solitude during this period. For
example, disconnect your telephone or take it off the hook.
Keep your radio, television and stereo off. Spend the entire
time by yourself. You may choose to read, work around the
house or just sit and think.
c. Avoid eating, smoking and drinking during your period of
solitude. They are also escapes from loneliness.
d. Gradually increase the amount of time you can spend in
complete solitude. After a while, you hopefully will be able
to increase your time alone to an entire evening. On the
other hand, if you can't even tolerate one hour of solitude,
start off with an even shorter period.
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3. Develop activities you can enjoy when you are alone. If you
are accustomed to always having people around when you do
things, you have a problem. You may need to discover the joys
of solitude: dining, watching movies, walking and
thinking--alone. Part of the problem may be that you are
embarrassed being alone in a restaurant, theater, beach or
park. Rather than be embarrassed, take pride in the courage
it may take for you to do these things alone. Look around and
you will see others who are also alone. Many of them are
probably having a better time than if they were with someone.
4. Avoid the triggers of loneliness. Find out when you
habitually become lonely and see if you can eliminate the
cause. For example, Rona is a 66 year old woman. "I love
romantic novels and movies. The only problem is I frequently
feel very lonely afterwards. I've had to give them up in
order to avoid deep depressions."
Al is a 73 year old widower. "For years after my wife died, I
kept her clothes in the closet. Every time I saw them I felt
so lonely. It took a lot of strength but I finally managed to
take them all down to the local thrift shop. I also put all
of her photographs in the attic rather than keep them
prominently displayed in the house. Now I'm not constantly
reminded of how beautiful she was."
Joe is a 31 year old businessman. "I have a tendency to get
lonely when I drive alone. I pretty much solved the problem
by joining a carpool since most of my driving is commuting
back and forth to work."
Nora is a 39 year old medical aide. "I get most lonely around
newlyweds. Since I play the organ, I frequently was asked to
perform during weddings at the local church. I finally quit
doing it and my loneliness has really gone down."
If you're not sure what triggers your loneliness, keep a
diary. Each time you feel lonely, jot down the circumstances.
Eventually you should discover one or more triggers and be
able to eliminate them.
5. Keep busy. The more active you are, the less you will feel
down and depressed. Physical activity is particularly
recommended:
* run around the block
* clean the house
* mow the lawn
* do five laps around the swimming pool
* take a shower
* go for a walk or hike
* fix the car
* go for a drive
* visit someone
6. Get involved in things that require a good deal of time and
energy:
* a regular exercise program
* sports teams and leagues
* classes
* volunteer work
7. If you're unemployed, get a job (even if you don't need the
money).
8. Share your lonely feelings with someone. Call or visit
someone who cares for you. If you have no one appropriate, go
out and find another single person and set up an agreement
whereby either of you can call one another when lonely.
9. Build a large social network of both casual and intimate
friends. Your casual friends should fill a particular need;
for example, someone who enjoys fishing, golfing, or playing
cards with you. Your intimate friends are those who care
about you. Don't make the mistake of underestimating the
value of these platonic friendships. Single people have a
tendency to put so much energy into meeting people for
romantic purposes that they miss out on many opportunities to
form beautiful platonic friendships, particularly with
members of the opposite sex. Men and women can get close
without engaging in sex. To do so requires the following:
* men must realize that they don't have to "put the make"
on every woman
* women have to realize that not every man is "hot for my
bod"
* sexual tension between platonic friends should be
brought out in the open so it doesn't serve as an
unacknowledged barrier between them.
Time is a crucial factor. You must take time for your
friendships if they are to thrive. No matter how busy you
are, it's important to see your friends regularly rather than
once in a blue moon. Otherwise they wither on the vine. For
example, Sal is a 29 year old butcher. "Bill and I have been
best friends for fifteen years. Even though we live within 20
miles of each other, we have a tendency to not see each other
regularly. We finally had to make a rule to get together
every Saturday afternoon except in special cases. The
constant contact means that we stay very close and are able
to get things off our chests when we are troubled and need
emotional support."
Singles are often viewed by society as pitifully lonely people.
Marriage is seen as an insurance policy that protects people from
loneliness. Actually the loneliest of all are those who are trapped in
a miserable marriage and have despaired of ever getting their needs
met. As a single person, at least you have the hope of a satisfying
relationship. Open yourself to those around you who are also searching
for love and your hope will become a reality.
-------
ROMANCE
-------
"Whatever happened to romance?" asks Lorna, an 18 year old
student. "The men I meet all treat me like I'm one of the guys. They
don't seem to know what flowers are for or how to make a girl feel
special. If being liberated means throwing romance out the window,
maybe I should have been born 50 years ago."
Rex is a 27 year old commercial fisherman. "I'd feel like a jerk
bringing flowers or candy to a girl. Besides, they're really expensive
nowadays."
Rolly is a 41 year old employment counselor. "I once had a lady
bring me flowers. You could have knocked me over with a feather! After
I recovered from the shock, I found a makeshift vase. For the next few
days, I had fond thoughts of Sally each time I looked at the flowers.
Now that I know how romantic they are, I always bring flowers the
first time I date somebody (and other times, too)."
The vast majority of single women like romantic men. Flowers or
candy definitely are not considered to be corny. The women who bring
small gifts to men usually get a good reception also. Other all-time
romantic favorites of both men and women are:
* candlelight
* soft music
* sunsets
* champagne
* warm, cozy fires
Thank you notes are also valued. When people spend money on you,
go out of their way to please you or are just thoughtful, it's good
manners to express your gratitude at the time and also later through a
note.
Romantic couples don't wait for formal dates to be in contact.
They frequently telephone each other just to say hello or share some
news. Love letters are also very romantic. Many men avoid such
romantic gestures for fear of appearing foolish, feminine or too
eager. Thoughtfulness and kindness never make a bad impression on
either sex.
Compliments are another vital part of romance. If a woman spends a
few hours trying to look extra nice, she expects you to notice and
comment upon it. Don't admire her beauty silently. Let her know that
you appreciate her. Likewise, if a man is well-dressed or well-
groomed, he enjoys hearing you express your appreciation. If you're
dating someone, there must be things about them that you find
attractive. If you frequently compliment them the chances for romance
increase. This doesn't mean that you should resort to flattery. If you
can't sincerely compliment someone why are you in the relationship?
Frequently someone you compliment may "flick it off" by
disagreeing. Don't make the mistake of concluding that the compliment
was unappreciated. Unfortunately, society teaches us that to feel good
about ourselves is to be conceited. Susan is a 40 year old realtor.
"I've noticed that I frequently feel embarrassed when someone says
something nice about me. Later in the week, though, I tend to treasure
the compliment." So don't be afraid to say nice things to people.
Another key to romance is privacy. Private dinners at home can be
far more romantic than meals at fancy restaurants. If you have custody
over children, arrange for a relative, friend or babysitter so you can
be alone with your date. This doesn't mean that you should hide your
children. Family outings and dinners are fine as long as there are
also times when there's just the two of you. Babysitting can be
expensive but the added romance justifies it.
Vacations, from an overnight trip to an expensive cruise, can
rekindle the fires of love. Experiencing each other in new places and
situations can bring excitement back into a too-comfortable
relationship. Don't always go to the same restaurant or theater, see
the same friends, or engage in the same sports, games or hobbies.
Variety is the spice of life. Lovers who don't have new experiences
with you may seek them with others.
Ultimately the key to romance is communicating that you care
through words and actions. The most effective way to get this message
across is with three words: I love you. Unfortunately, many people shy
away from saying this. Some common excuses are:
1. My lover already knows. If you're the kind of person who is
very affectionate, both verbally and physically, your lover
probably does know. Say it anyway. Many people are insecure
and need to be reassured that you love them. Also, hearing "I
love you" brings tremendous pleasure to most people. If
you're not the affectionate type, you definitely need to say
"I love you." That may be the only way to get the message
across.
2. Saying "I love you" means I have to love you all the time.
John is a 38 year old stonemason. "Whenever I try to say I
love you, I almost choke on the words. I sometimes feel love
for people but at other times I feel angry or even hateful
towards them. Most of the time, I don't feel either loving or
hating. I don't want to lie and say "I love you" unless I'm
sure that it isn't just temporary. I have to be sure that
I'll feel the same way tomorrow."
Many have this distorted view of love as a constant state. In
reality, nobody ever loves anyone all the time. The capacity
to love includes the potential for hate. The people you care
for the most have the ability to hurt you deeply so it's
normal to feel anger, bitterness, frustration, jealousy,
disappointment, and even hatred sometimes towards your loved
ones. Emotions tend to be short-term and inconsistent.
When you tell people you love them, you are telling the
truth--if you love them at that moment. Tomorrow you may feel
differently. What you said the day before doesn't revoke your
right to feel negative emotions or even apathy towards your
loved one today.
3. Love is scary. It certainly is. Most of us have experienced
the pain associated with a love relationship that doesn't
work out. Avoiding the words "I love you" can be a way of
denying the seriousness of the relationship and, therefore,
protecting you from the heartache of a breakup.
Unfortunately, it can also be a very effective way of
insuring the end of a relationship. A relationship where love
goes unacknowledged has less chance of survival than one
where the lovers are open about their feelings and willing to
risk the pain of a romance that dies.
4. My lover feels uncomfortable when I speak of love. Saying "I
love you" can freak your partner out, so you may wish to play
it cool. If you suspect your partner is afraid of love, you
may have to be patient and hold your tongue. But don't wait
too long. Better to end things than continue with someone who
may never be secure enough to handle a loving relationship.
As with compliments, don't hold back loving statements just
because your lover is slightly uncomfortable. After the
initial discomfort, your partner may cherish your statement
of love.
OTHER WAYS OF SAYING I LOVE YOU
In addition to words, there are many non-verbal ways of saying "I
love you". Touching is crucial--and not just as foreplay in the
bedroom. Society has many touching taboos, so it isn't easy. There are
four things you can do to break down these barriers.
1. Sit next to each other. If you're in separate chairs or at
opposite ends of the room, there is little opportunity to
touch one another. If you own a large car and pull down the
armrest, the chances of touching decrease. The closer you are
physically, the more likely you are to touch each other.
2. Massage one another. There are numerous classes in massage
available all over the country. You can learn all the fancy
strokes the professionals use or skip the classes and
experiment on your own. Massage can be sensual as well as
sexual, so don't feel obligated to engage in sex each time.
3. Touch each other casually. There are numerous opportunities
to do this each day. Touching doesn't always have to escalate
to sexual contact.
4. Kiss each other spontaneously. If you only give hello or
goodbye kisses or limit your kissing to the bedroom, your
relationship is sadly deficient in romance. There's nothing
wrong with a spontaneous kiss for no reason other than your
feeling affectionate.
Your actions always speak louder than words. If you cancel some
activity, business meeting or other plan in order to be with your
lover, you are very effectively communicating your love. Time is a
wonderful gift. Turning off the radio, stereo or television; closing
your newspaper, magazine or book; and dropping whatever you're doing
are excellent ways of saying I love you. Spending time together is not
enough--it has to be quality time. If you find that you're spending a
great deal of time together physically but are off in different worlds
intellectually and emotionally, your romance is either dead or dying.
Helping one another in various tasks can bring a sense of
togetherness to a relationship. Helping your lover with the housework,
car repair, business or school assignments can actually be romantic.
Even if your "help" isn't all that helpful or needed, it's the thought
that counts.
Sometimes just being with each other is all that's necessary.
Romance doesn't always require conversing, touching, kissing, making
love or doing things together. A quiet evening where virtually nothing
happens can enhance your intimacy.
OPTIONS
Once you feel confident you're with the right romantic partner,
you have several choices. The first possibility is to remain
uncommitted. There are several advantages to this:
1. Freedom. Both of you may date other attractive people.
2. Comfort. Some people are only able to love and enjoy someone
so long as it is voluntary and not experienced as an
obligation. You may feel uncomfortable being in a committed
relationship.
3. Privacy. You are able to be alone whenever you want.
4. Fear. You may be afraid that commitment will only spoil a
good relationship. There is no shortage of examples of
pleasant relationships that collapsed after lovers moved in
together or got married.
Another option is to date each other exclusively. This is known as
going together or going steady. Ideally this is a mutual decision.
What do you do if your partner is reluctant to meet your request for a
committed relationship?
1. You can offer your lover an ultimatum: "Agree to a committed
relationship or lose me." This is a very poor way to cement a
romantic partnership. Forcing a person into a commitment
inevitably leads to resentment. Furthermore, a forced
commitment isn't as reliable as a voluntary one. There is no
guarantee that your lover will keep a promise to date you
exclusively. The biggest disadvantage to this approach is
that your romantic partner may choose to respond to your
ultimatum by breaking off the relationship. You are then left
with a painful void in your life.
2. You can give your partner more time to feel more favorable
towards a commitment. Ask him or her to share any fears or
misgivings. Possibly you can reassure your partner. Your
patience may enable your lover to eventually feel comfortable
about making a commitment.
3. You can give in to your lover's need to avoid an exclusive
relationship. This is the best course if you can be happy in
an uncommitted relationship.
4. You can end the relationship. If you can't be happy in a non-
exclusive relationship, don't want to force your lover into
an involuntary commitment, and find that patience doesn't
work, this is the inescapable alternative.
Suppose the shoe is on the other foot: your lover wants a
committed relationship and you don't. What do you do? Ideally you
stick to your guns and refuse to make a commitment until it feels
comfortable. You don't always have that luxury, however. What if your
partner presents you with an ultimatum? Then you must weigh the
discomfort of commitment versus the pain of losing your lover.
A committed relationship frequently leads to a choice between
living together, also know as cohabitation, and marriage. Why don't
people who live together just get married?
1. They aren't sure about the permanence of their relationship.
The average cohabitation period is 2 to 3 years. Many couples
consider it to be a trial marriage. If they can stand living
together 24 hours a day, they may be candidates for a
successful marriage.
2. They want the freedom to break up. Many singles are unwilling
to make an ironclad commitment to stay together permanently,
through thick and thin. Avoiding marriage theoretically means
that each partner can leave without feeling guilty and
suffering recriminations.
3. They hope to avoid the legal difficulties of divorce. Divorce
can be expensive and time-consuming. Cohabiting couples can
break up quickly and cheaply.
4. They don't believe in marriage. Some singles consider it to
be an archaic institution which serves no useful purpose.
5. They desire the economic advantages of cohabitation. The tax
code sometimes discriminates against married couples. Elderly
couples find that they get larger pensions if they cohabit
rather than marry. Cohabitation can also be advantageous to
you if you earn considerably more than your partner. Unlike
divorcing couples, you won't have to share property or income
with your partner after a breakup.
In recent years, there has been considerable confusion due to
litigation such as the Lee Marvin "palimony" case, where the actor was
sued by his former live-in lover, Michelle Triola. More recently,
tennis champion Billie Jean King was sued by her lesbian lover. There
no longer are any guarantees that you won't have to share your fortune
with former livein lovers. Several precautions should be taken by
couples living together:
1. Make sure that you are both clear about who owns what (and
who owes what). Don't wait until you're breaking up to decide
these things. Ideally you will have a written agreement,
signed by both parties, that deals with property and debts.
Making such an agreement is not very romantic, but it avoids
a great deal of acrimony after the breakup.
2. If you don't have a written agreement, make sure you have
proof of ownership of your personal property. If you place a
home, automobile or other item in both names, your partner is
legally entitled to one-half ownership, unless you have a
bill of sale or other proof that you paid for it by yourself.
3. It's wise to keep separate bank accounts and credit cards.
Otherwise, you run the risk of your partner cleaning out your
mutual accounts and running up debts for which you will be
responsible.
Despite all the publicity for living together arrangements,
matrimony is still the preferred option for most committed couples in
America. If the institution of marriage is dying, as some pundits
claim, it's quite a lively corpse! Why do couples choose matrimony?
1. Social pressures. Living together often leads to disapproval
from parents, friends and business associates.
2. Religious values. Cohabitation is considered to be "living in
sin" by most churches.
3. Security. One or both partners usually feel insecure if there
isn't a marital contract. Marriage suggests permanence. This
is despite the fact that the average marriage in America only
lasts seven years.
4. Children. Potential parents are worried about their child
being called a bastard or "love child".
5. Economic discrimination. Promotions in corporations
traditionally go to "stable" married men rather than single
men or women. There is still a great deal of economic
discrimination against singles or cohabiting couples. They
are seen as poor risks.
6. Housing advantages. It's easier to rent or buy a home if you
are married because you are viewed as being more reliable.
7. Financial security. If you take care of the home while your
partner works, you are in a vulnerable position without a
marriage contract. Your contribution to the home may be every
bit as important and valuable as that of the breadwinner but
after a breakup, you may be left with virtually no money or
possessions. Marriage helps insure you will get your due
financially.
8. Romantic reasons. Most singles find marriage to be far more
romantic than cohabitation. They agree with the song that
says, "Love and marriage go together like a horse and
carriage."
Possibly the main reason for avoiding marriage is the fear of
divorce. There is no way of insuring a marriage will last, but there
are three precautions you can take:
1. Ask yourself, "How well do I know this person?" Time is often
a good test. If you have known your partner for less than a
year, you may be ignorant of important information. The same
is true if either of you have a tendency to conceal feelings.
Before getting married, put your cards on the table and get
your intended to do the same.
2. Also ask yourself, "Have we gotten past the honeymoon stage?"
This may sound ridiculous, since you haven't even gotten
married yet. As stated earlier, there is a great difference
between falling in love and "standing" in love. The time to
get married is after the bubble has burst: you have had some
major arguments and problems but still want a committed
relationship. Don't wait until after the wedding to have your
first fight.
3. Make sure you have discussed and reached agreement on the
following:
* whether or not to have children and how many
* whether one or both of you will hold a job
* where you will live and how much you will spend for
housing
* whether each of you has the right to be who you are or
are expected to change.
If you disagree on any of these vital issues, you need to postpone
or even terminate your plans for marriage. Otherwise, you may be
condemning yourself to a lifetime of unhappiness or the trauma of
divorce.
Today in America being single is finally recognized as a valid
lifestyle. You may be able to find happiness without a committed
relationship. Most people, however, don't feel completely satisfied
unless they are in an exclusive relationship, preferably marriage.
Make up your own mind. Don't feel compelled to get married just
because "everyone else is". Be an individual and choose the lifestyle
that makes you happiest.
----------------------------
AN OPEN LETTER TO SINGLE MEN
----------------------------
I'm a single woman looking for the right man for a romantic
relationship. It's discouraging sometimes. You can make things a lot
easier for me by doing the following:
1. Don't stay at home--I'll never be able to meet you.
2. Make yourself available by going to places that I frequent.
3. Don't be afraid to approach me. You're doing me a favor by
breaking the ice.
4. Give me the same privilege of initiating contact with you.
5. Don't expect me to hop into bed just because you feel turned
on. I may not feel like it. And don't think that I owe you my
body just because you took me out on a date or bought me a
drink.
6. When we first meet, don't tell me I'm the most beautiful
woman you've ever met or that you are madly in love with me.
I'm not dumb enough to swallow that.
7. Don't talk to me like I'm one of the guys in the locker room.
I'm not.
8. Control your drinking. Too much booze makes you very
unattractive to me.
9. Please be patient and wait for me. Don't marry someone wrong
for you before I have a chance to meet you.
Sincerely,
Ms. Right
------------------------------
AN OPEN LETTER TO SINGLE WOMEN
------------------------------
I am a single man looking for someone special for a loving
relationship. It isn't easy. You can facilitate things for me by doing
the following:
1. Don't stay at home--I'll never be able to meet you.
2. Make yourself available by going to places I frequent.
3. If you're open to meeting me, let me know. A smile, eye
contact, standing or sitting next to me are all ways of
tipping me off that you find me attractive.
4. Take the initiative. I may be too shy to say hello, but that
doesn't mean I don't want to meet you.
5. Don't expect me to be witty, charming, clever or profound in
the first four minutes we talk. Give me time to relax and
find something we have in common.
6. Don't judge me harshly because you've had bad experiences
with other men. I am a unique person and deserve to be
treated accordingly.
7. Don't be on the defensive if I approach you. I know some guys
are rotten, but I'm different.
8. Don't assume that I want to go to bed with you. I might want
to get to know you first.
9. Don't be a tease and pretend you want to sleep with me if you
don't.
10. Don't play hard to get. I only have so much nerve and
motivation. I may give up on you quickly unless you give me
some encouragement.
11. Please be patient and wait for me. What a tragedy it would be
if you married the wrong person before you got a chance to
meet me.
Sincerely,
Mr. Right
-----------------------------------
NATIONAL SINGLES RESOURCE DIRECTORY
-----------------------------------
NATIONAL SINGLES ORGANIZATIONS
ADAM, 1008 White Oak, Arlington Hts, IL 60005, (312) 870-1040. Louis
J. Filczer. Supports divorce reform.
America's Society of Separated & Divorced Men,575 Keep St., Elgin, IL
60120, (312) 695-2200. Richard Templeton. Fight the "divorce racket".
Catholic Single Parents, Box 30523, Philadelphia 19103.
Christian Focus, Box 871, Vashon, WA 98070, (206) 463-3485. Helps
churches develop a singles ministry.
Committee for Mother & Child Rights, 8 Seneca Dr, Chappaqua, NY 10514,
(914) 238-8672. Elizabeth Owen. For divorced women.
Committee for Single Adoptive Parents, Box 15084, Chevy Chase, MD
20815, (202) 966-6367.
Divorce Anonymous, Box 5313, Chicago, IL 60680, (312) 448-2598. M.V.
Hart. Support group, lectures.
Elim Fellowship, Mobilized to Serve, 7245 College St, Lima, NY 14485,
(716) 582-2790. Regional conferences for Christian singles.
EXPOSE (Ex-Partners of Servicemen for Equality), Box 11191,
Alexandria, VA 22312, (703) 941-5844. Muriel Wurzel. Supports
exmilitary spouses.
Fathers for Equal Rights, Box 010847, Flagler Stn, Miami 33101, (305)
895-6351. Mark Fishman.
International Assoc. for Widowed People, Box 3564, Springfield, IL
62708.
LADIES (Life After Divorce is Eventually Sane), Box 2974, Beverly
Hills, CA 90213. Support Group for divorced wives of celebrities.
Loners of America, Rt 2, Box 85E, Ellsinore, MO 63937.50+. Singles who
own R-Vs and enjoy camping & travel.
Men's Rights Assoc., 17854 Lyons, Forest Lake, MN 55025, (612)
4647887. Richard Doyle. Promotes justice for divorced men.
Mothers Without Custody, 3942 W. Alabama #6, Houston 77027. Natl
Mt. Hermon Christian Conference Center, Mt. Hermon, CA 95041.
National Association of Christian Singles Conference, 1933 W.
Wisconsin Ave, Milwaukee, WI 53233, (414) 344-7300. Annual.
National Association of Single Persons, 1656 33rd St. NW, Washington,
DC 20007.
National Chastity Association, Box 402, Oak Forest, IL 60452. Believes
chastity requires no kissing or hand holding until marriage.
Natl Committee for Fair Divorce & Alimony Laws, 11 Park Pl #1116, NY,
NY 10007, (212) 766-4030. Sidney Siller. Wants to reform divorce laws.
Affiliated with National Organization for Men.
National Congress for Men,224 15th St. SE, Washington, DC 20003, (202)
FATHERS, or Don Chavez, 443 Valle Grande Dr., Los Lunas 87031.
National Council for Children's Rights,2001 O St., NW, Washington, DC
20036, (202) 233-NCCR. David Levy. Supports joint custody & equitable
child support.
Natl Institute for Child Support Enforcement, 5530 Wisconsin Ave.
#1600, Chevy Chase, MD 20815. Athena Kaye.
Natl Singles Registry,17311 Dulles Intl Airport, Washington, DC 20041.
Howard D. Wolfe. Lectures, workshops.
National Singles Round-Up, Box 75, Driscoll, ND 58532, (701) 387-4466.
Mixers, rodeo, concerts, buffalo barbecue. 25+.
NOISE (Natl Org. to Insure Survival Economics), Diana DuBroff, 12 W.
72 St, NY, NY 10023, (212) 787-1070. For victims of divorce.
North American Conference of Separated & Divorced Catholics,1100 S.
Goodman St., Rochester, NY 14620, (716) 271-1320. Kathleen Kircher.
Organization for the Enforcement of Child Support, 119 Nicodemus,
Reisterstown, MD 21136, (301) 833-2458. Elaine Fromm.
Parents Sharing Custody, 435 N. Bedford Dr #310, Beverly Hills, CA
90210, (213) 273-9042. Linda Blakeley.
Parents Without Partners, 8807 Colesville Rd, Silver Spings, MD 20910,
(301) 588-9354. Largest singles organization in the world. Check the
white pages in your local phone book for the chapter closest to you.
Single Mothers by Choice, Box 1642, NY, NY 10028, (212) 988-0993.
Single Parent Resource Ctr, 1165 Broadway #504, NY, NY 10001, (212)
213-0047. Suzanne Jones. Natl network of single parent groups.
Single Persons for Tax Equality Assoc., Box 2060, Loop Stn,
Minneapolis, MN 55402. Jim Souis.
Singles Square Dancers USA, 9846 Appletree Pl., Denver 80221, (303)
452-9226. Publishes Yellow Rock Directory, which lists singles square
dancing dubs nationwide.
Sisterhood of Black Single Mothers, 1360 Fulton #423, Brooklyn 11216,
(718) 638-0413. Daphne Busby. Quarterly newsletter.
Spring Singles Weekends,2920 W. Court, Frint, MI 48503, (313) 238-
2631.
Tall Clubs International, John Young,825 N. Hayden #C-108, Scottsdale,
AZ 85257, (800) 521-2512 or Box 1567, Florissant, MO 63031. Men6'2+;
women-5-10+. Mainly singles. Local chapters nationwide.
THEOS (They Help Each Other Spiritually), 1301 Clark Bldg, 717 Liberty
Pittsburg, PA 15222, (412) 471-7779. For widows. Church affiliated.
Timber-lee Christian Center, 2381 Scout Rd., E. Troy, WI 53120, (414)
642-7345. Midwest Singles conferences.
Toastmasters Intl, Santa Ana, (800) 325-7964. Chapters throughout U.S.
practice public speaking. Some chapters are for singles only.
Umbrella Singles, Box 157, Woodbourne, NY 12788, (914) 434-6871. Giant
singles weekends at fine hotels in the U.S. & abroad. Tennis,
volleyball, swimming, ice skating, calisthenics, dance lessons,
parties, rap sessions, lectures, educational programs. Leonard Moss,
President.
U.S. Divorce Reform, Box 243, Kenwood, CA 95452, (707) 833-2550.
Welcome Wagon Intl, Memphis, TN, (901) 523-0350. Chapters throughout
U.S. for singles & couples who move to a new city.
Who's Who Intl, 4337 Marina City Dr, Marina del Rey, CA 90291, (213)
822-5400. Elegant parties for singles, by invitation only.
Widowed Person's Service, 1909 K St NW, Washington, DC 20049, (202)
728-4370. Margery Marvel. Division of AARP.
Women Helping Women, Ruth Kvalheim, 525 N. Van Buren, Stoughton, WI
53589, (608) 873-3747.
NATIONWIDE TRAVEL SERVICES FOR SINGLES
New Horizon Adventures Singles Travel Club, Box 1228, Yreka, CA 96097,
(916) 842-4181 or 842-2112. Myra Benson.
Partners-in-Travel, Box 491145, Los Angeles, CA 90049, (213) 476-4869.
Singles Intl Travel, 668 Main St., Hyannis, MA 02601, (508) 790-0050.
Singleworld Tours, (800) 223-6490 or (212) 758-2433.
Solo Flights, 127 S. Compo Rd., Westport, CT 06880. Quarterly
newsletter. Travel networking. Free.
Travel Companion Exchange, Box 833, Amityville, NY 11701, (516) 454-
0880.
Travelers Exchange, Box 14567, Las Vegas, NV 89114.
Travel Match, Box 6991, Orange 92613, (714) 997-5273. Computerized
matching service for single travelers.
Travelmate, (619) 258-0220. Computer dating service that matches
singles nationwide who like to travel.
Travel Partners Club, Box 2368, Crystal River, FL 32629, (904) 796-
1117.
World Travel Club, Colpitt's Travel Center, Westgate Mall, Brockton,
MA 02401, (800) GO-TOURS or (617) 588-5660.
NATIONAL SINGLES PUBLICATIONS
American Jewish Singles Magazine, Box 728, Bloomfield, CT 06002, (203)
243-1514. U.S. (mainly New England) & Canada.
Christian Single, 127 9th Ave. N., Nashville, TN 37234, (615) 251-
2289.
Concerned Singles Newsletter, Box 555, Stockbridge, MA 01262. Monthly
newsletter for peace-oriented singles.
Jewish Singles Magazine, Box 247, Newton, MA 02159, (617) 244-5677.
Articles, personal ads, local singles calendar.
Miss Mom, Box 547, Moab, UT 84532, (801) 259-5090. Free monthly
newsletter for singles mothers.
National Singles Register, 13821 San Antonio Dr., Norwalk, CA 90650,
(213) 868-8289. Vi Rogers, Editor. Bi-weekly. Articles, personal ads.
News & Views, Single Life Institute, 810 Milford, Abilene, TX 79601,
(915) 673-8687. Monthly newsletter for singles ministries.
Peoplenet, Box 897, Levittown, NY 11756. Quarterly newsletter for
disabled singles.
Single Adult Ministry Information, Box 11394, Kansas City, MO 64112.
Monthly newsletter for coordinators of Christian singles dubs.
Single Adult Ministries Journal, Colorado Springs, (303) 579-6471.
Monthly newsletter for coordinators of Christian singles dubs.
Single Impact, 7245 College, Lima, NY 14485. Christian Quarterly.
The Single Parent, Parents Without Partners (P.W.P.). 8807 Colesville
Rd., Silver Spring, MD 20910, (301) 588-9354. Monthly.
Singles Scene, Box 310, Allardt, TN 38504, (615) 456-0021. Christian
articles, personal ads. Monthly.
Today's Single, 1933 Wisconsin, Milwaukee WI 53233, (414) 344-7300.
TrueMatch, Box 14567, Las Vegas, NV 89114, (702) 385-5750. Articles,
personal ads. Monthly.
REGIONAL SINGLES PUBLICATIONS
ARIZONA
Arizona Singles, Box 3424, Flagstaff 86003, (602) 779-0151. Monthly.
Singles calendar, personal ads, articles.
Single Scene,7432 E. Diamond, Scottsdale 85257, (602) 945-6746.
Singles calendar, personal ads, articles.
The Tucson Connection, Box 15114, Tucson, AZ 85708. Monthly.
CALIFORNIA, NORTHERN
Enjoy Life Singles Magazine, Box 2593, Santa Rosa 95405, (707) 575-
1006. Bimonthly. Violet Young, Editor. Singles calendar, personals,
articles.
Fresno Friends, Box 4014, Fresno 93744, (209) 268-9005. Monthly
singles calendar, articles, personal ads.
In the Know, 1042 Sandlez, S.F.94114, (415) 647-5567. Singles
calendar.
Lifestyle, N. California Edition, 421 W. MacArthur Bl, Oakland 94609,
(415) 420-1381. Singles calendar, personal ads, articles.
Northern California Jewish Bulletin, 121 Steuart St. #302, San
Francisco, CA 94105, (415) 957-9340. Jewish singles calendar.
Peninsula Times Tribune, Box 300, Palo Alto 94302, (415) 853-1200.
Singles Calendar published Sundays.
Single Again, Box 384, Union City 94587, 793-6315. Articles,
personals.
Singles Guide to The San Francisco Bay Area, by Richard Gosse. 202
pages. Lists over 1000 singles clubs, etc. Send $11.66 to Richard
Gosse & Associates, 4 Highland Ave., San Rafael CA 94901, (415) 459-
3817.
Singles News Magazine, Box 61061, Sacramento 95860, (916) 486-1414.
Singles calendar, personal ads, articles.
Trellis Singles Magazine, 1260 Persian Dr., Sunnyvale 94089, (408)
7471455 or 941 -2900. Singles calendar, personal ads (telephone &
printed)
CALIFORNIA, SOUTHERN
Christian Activities Calendar, Box 730, Ojai 93023.
The Connector, Jewish Community Centers Assoc., 5870 W. Olympic
#206, Los Angeles 90036, (213) 938-2531 x257 or 272-1073. Jewish
Singles calendar.
Jewish Calendar Magazine, 7106 Owensmount, Canoga Park 91303, (818)
346-1410.
Los Angeles Daily News, Box 4200, Woodland Hills 91367, (818) 713-
3000. Singles calendar, L.A. Life Section, Fridays.
Lifestyle, S. California Edition, 11684 Ventura Bl. #5090, Studio City
91604, (213) 385-4211. Singles calendar, personal ads, articles.
Long Beach Press-Telegram, Box 230, Long Beach 90844, (213 435-1161.
Singles calendar published Thursdays.
Orange County Register, 625 N. Grand Ave., Santa Ana 92711, (714) 835-
1234. Singles calendar published Fridays.
Personal Response Magazine, Box 2452 Del Mar 92014, (619) 259-0694.
Riverside Press-Enterprise, Box 792, Riverside 92502, (714) 684-1200.
Singles calendar published Fridays.
Single Connections, Box 5020, Diamond Bar 91765, (714) 628-4940.
Southern California Singles calendar, personals, articles.
Singles Guide to the LA Area, by Richard Gosse. 202 pages. Lists over
a thousand singles organizations. Send $11.66 to Richard Gosse &
Associates, 4 Highland Ave., San Rafael CA 94901, (415) 459-3817.
Singles Life, 110 W. Ocean Blvd., Long Beach 90802, (213) 590-0531.
Personal ads, articles.
Single Magazine & Entertainment, Box 5709, San Diego 92105, (619) 296-
6948. Bi-monthly. Singles calendar, personal ads, articles.
Torrance Daily Breeze, 5215 Torrance Blvd., Torrance 90509, (213) 540-
5511. Publishes a singles column on Wednesdays.
COLORADO
Denver Post, Box 1709, Denver 90201, (303) 820-1010. Publishes singles
calendar in Weekend section.
Get-Two-Gether, 642 S. College Ave, Ft. Collins 80524, (303) 221-4544.
Singles calendar, personals, articles.
Rocky Mountain News, 400 W. Colfax Ave., Denver 80204, (303) 892-5000.
Publishes an occasional singles calendar.
Rocky Mountain Oyster, Box 27467, Denver 80227. Weekly personal ads.
Singlesline, Box 16005, Colorado Springs 80935, (303) 390-7503.
Monthly. Singles calendar, personals, articles.
The Single Source, Box 460127, Aurora 80015, (303) 370-4313 or 693-
9274. Bi-monthly singles calendar, personals, articles.
The Singles Trumpet, Box 460303, Aurora 80015, 745-0818. Bi-weekly.
Singles calendar, personals, articles.
DELAWARE
The Singles Calendar, Box 30178, Philadelphia, PA 19103, (215) 496-
0969 publishes a singles calendar for the greater Philadelphia area.
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA
Singles Quarterly, Box 2158, Columbia, MD 21045, (301) 740-2715
publishes singles calendar.
FLORIDA
1st Class Lifestyle, 219 E. Commercial Bl, Lauderdale-by-the-Sea
33308, (305) 771-4200. Charles Orman, Assoc. Publisher.
Florida Singles Magazine & Datebook, Box 14730, N. Palm Beach 33408,
(407) 842-0693. Bi-monthly. Harold Alan, Publisher.
Singles Serendipity, Box 5794, Jacksonville 32247, (904) 399-5083.
Singles calendar, personals, articles.
South Florida Singles Living, Box 290297, Ft Lauderdale 33329, (305)
434-7200. Bi-monthly. Singles calendar, personals, articles.
GEORGIA
Atlanta Singles Magazine, 3423 Piedmont Rd. NE #320, Atlanta 30305,
(404) 239 0642. Bi-monthly. Margaret Anthony, Editor. Singles
calendar, personals, articles.
ILLINOIS
Catholic Singles Magazine, Box 1920, Evanston 60204, (312) 731-8769.
Singles calendar.
Chicago Life, Box 11311, Chicago 60611, (312) 528-2737. Bi-monthly.
Singles calendar, personals, articles.
Chicago South Shore Scene, Box 49007, Chicago 60649, (312) 363-0441.
Singles Magazine, Box 2095, Northbrook 60065, (312) 459-8004. Singles
calendar, personals, articles.
IOWA
Single Living Magazine, Box 573, Ames 50010, (515) 292-5104. Monthly.
Singles calendar, personals, articles.
KANSAS
Wichita Singles Newsletter, Box 47482, Wichita 67201,262-2603.
Monthly.
KENTUCKY
Expressions of Love, Box 1472, Ashland, KY 41105. Monthly.
Louisville Courier-Journal, 525 W. Broadway, Louisville 40202, (502)
582-4676. Publishes singles calendar Fridays in Weekend section.
Tri-State Singles Connection, Box 17065, Covington 41017, (606) 331-
2374.
MARYLAND
Cupid, Box 2531, Gaithersburg, MD 20879. Monthly. Mid-Atlantic states.
The Little Black Book, Box 352, Aberdeen, MD 21001, (301) 273-6253.
Singles Quarterly, Box 2158, Columbia, MD 21045, (301) 740-2715.
Singles calendar, personals, articles.
Washington Jewish Singles Newsletter, 444 N. Frederick Ave. #L,
Gaithersburg, MD 20877. Monthly.
MAINE
The Singles Network, Inc., Box 8751, Portland, ME 04104. Monthly
newsletter. Singles calendar.
MASSACHUSETTS
The Dating Page, Box 310, Lynnfield, MA 01940. Bi-weekly.
Jewish Singles Magazine, Box 247, Newton 02159, 244-5677. Monthly.
Singles calendar, personals, articles.
Singles Almanac, Box 299, Boston 02134, (617) 254-8810. Monthly.
Singles calendar, personals, articles.
Singles Guide to Boston, Advisor Press, Box 211, Chestnut Hill, MA
02167. Book - $9.95.
Singles Personal Ads, Box 850, Needham Hts, MA 02194. Monthly personal
ads.
MICHIGAN
Sincere Singles, Box 1719, Ann Arbor, MI 48106. Monthly.
Single File Magazine, Box 6706, Grand Rapids 49516, (616) 774-8100.
Singles calendar, personals, articles.
MINNESOTA
Di's Meet People, 6812 Hill Pl., Crystal 55427. Singles calendar,
personals, articles.
The Grapevine, 222 Riverwoods, Burnsville 55337, (612) 890-9045. Lists
singles dubs in the Twin Cities area.
MISSOURI
Alternatives for Kansas City Singles, Box 11394, Kansas City 64112,
7639401, publishes list of 75 singles dubs ion KC area. Don Davidson.
Metro Singles, Box 28203, Kansas City 64118, (816) 436-8424. Bi-
monthly. Singles calendar, personals, articles.
NEBRASKA
The Single Life, Box 83289, Lincoln 68501, (402) 466-8521. Monthly.
Singles calendar, personals, articles.
NEVADA
Las Vegas Singles Lifestyle, Box 81285, Las Vegas 89180, (702) 362-
5800.
True Match, Box 14567, Las Vegas, NV 89114, (702) 385-5750. Articles,
personal ads, list of singles clubs. Monthly.
NEW JERSEY
The Singles Calendar, Box 30178, Philadelphia, PA 19103, (215) 496-
0969 publishes a singles calendar for the greater Philadelphia area.
NEW MEXICO
Connections, Box 37374, Albuquerque, NM 87176. Monthly.
Love Notes, Box 54321, Albuquerque, NM 87153. Singles column.
On the Scene, 3507 Wyoming NE, Albuquerque 87111, (505) 299-4401.
Singles calendar, personals, articles.
NEW YORK
Datebook,446 Bedford Rd/Box 473, Pleasantville 10570, (914) 769-1365.
Monthly singles calendar.
Long Island Singles Clubs Calendar, 1731 Prime, W. Babylon 11704,
(516) 669-6541. Monthly.
Newsday, 235 Pinelawn Rd., Melville, NY 11747, (516) 454-2020.
Publishes a singles calendar on Tuesdays.
New York Post, 210 South St., New York 10002, (212) 815-8000.
Publishes a singles calendar on Fridays.
Rochester area singles dubs are listed by Henry N. Metzger Associates,
Inc., 160 Allens Creek Rd., Rochester 14618, (716) 473-8290.
Singles Advisory Council, 1871 Central Ave. #411, Albany 12205, (518)
393-3388, publishes directory singles dubs in the Albany area.
Singles Almanac of NY, 80 E. 11th, New York 10003, (212) 673-3930.
Biweekly singles calendar.
Single Times, Box 1015, Valley Stream 11582, (516) 565-9100. Monthly
singles calendar.
Social Clubs Calendar, 650 The Plain Rd., Westbury, NY 11590. Nassau,
Queens, Suffolk singles calendar. Monthly.
NORTH CAROLlNA
Metrolina Singles Magazine & Datebook, 3909 South Bl #172, Charlotte
28209, (704) 525-6200. Monthly. Tom Nunnenkamp, Publisher. Singles
calendar, personals, articles.
Single Living, Box 51, Conover, NC 28613. Monthly.
OHIO
Akron Beacon Journal, 44 E. Exchange St., Akron 44328, (216) 375-8160.
Publishes singles calendar on Thursdays.
Carol's Singles Organization, Box 998, Rootstown 44272, (216) 296-
8051.
Cleveland's Finest Singles, Box 79363, Cleveland 44107.
Cleveland Plain Dealer,1801 Superior Ave., Cleveland 44114, (216)
3444600, publishes singles column on Sundays.
Columbus Single Scene, Box 30856, Gahanna 43230, (614) 476-8802.
Singles calendar, personals, articles.
Greater Cleveland Singles Directory (64 pages), Box 81191, Cleveland
44181, (216) 228-8677.
Living Single, 3731 Paula, Richfield 44286, (216) 867-8168 or 659-
9584. Singles calendar, personals, articles.
Singles Connection, Box 24388, Lyndhurst 44124. Singles calendar,
personals.
OREGON
Single Scene, Box 248, Silverton 97381, (503) 873-5637. Monthly.
Singles calendar, personals, articles.
PENNSYLVANIA
Jewish Exponent, 226 S. 16th St., Philadelphia 19103, 496-0969. Jewish
singles calendar.
Lifestyles Pittsburg 3901 Washington Rd. #303, MacMurray 15317, (412)
941-5339. Bi-monthly. Singles calendar, personals, articles.
The Singles Calendar, Box 30178, Philadelphia 19103 (215) 496-0969.
The Singles Register, Box 404, Paoli 19301, (215) 353-4624. Bi-
monthly.
SOUTH DAKOTA
Solo RFD, Box 84428, Sioux Falls 57118, (605) 335-0990. Harlan
Jacobsen.
TENNESSEE
Memphis Singles Magazine, 2500 Mt. Moriah #185, Memphis, TN 38115.
Tennessee Single Life, Box 50711, Knoxville 37950, (615) 691-2362.
Singles Calendar, personals, articles.
TEXAS
DFW Magazine, (817) 923-3201. Articles, singles calendar for Dallas-
Ft. Worth area, personal ads. Dan Dunn, Editor.
Dallas Morning News, Communications Center, Dallas 75202, (214)
7206111. Publishes a singles calendar on Fridays.
Singles Monthly, Box 121999, Ft. Worth 76121.
Touch of Class Magazine, 12603 Prima Vista, San Antonio 78233, (512)
653-5357. Monthly. Marilyn Walker, Editor. Singles calendar, articles.
UTAH
Utah Singles Association, 3689 S. 1950 West #13, West Valley 84119,
972-4370. Provides 13 page packet of info on singles organizations.
VIRGINIA
Singles Unlimited, 913 W. Grace St, Richmond 93219, (804) 353-5612 or
353-5476. Margaret Minnick.
WASHINGTON
Active Singles Life, 3450 6th Ave S., Seattle 98134, (206) 223-5537.
WISCONSIN
Milwaukee Journal, Xtra Section, Box 661, Milwaukee 53201, (414) 224-
2384. Publishes singles calendar.
Single Life, 606 W. Wisconsin Ave #703, Milwaukee 53203, (414) 271-
9700. Bi-monthly. Gail Rose, Publisher.
The Valley Contact, Box 531, Neenah 54957. Monthly.
Yente the Matchmaker, 5317 W. Burnham St., Milwaukee 53219. Monthly.
BOOKS FOR SINGLES
Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending
of Yours, Daphne Rose Kingma, Berkeley: Conari Press,1987.
Catholic Singles Book Club, Box 1920, Evanston, IL 60204.
The Divorce Book, Richard Gosse, et al, New Harbinger Publications,
1984. Send $11.66 to Singles,4 Highland Ave., San Rafael, CA 94901.
Finding Love, Dr. Margaret O'Connor & Dr. Jane Silverman. NY: Crown
Publishers, 1989.
First Person Singular: Living the Good Life Alone, S.M. Johnson. NY:
New American Library, Inc., 1978.
The Great American Man Shortage, William Novak. NY: Rawson Associates,
1983.
How to Pick Up a Man, Dian Hanson. NY: G.P. Putnam's Sons, 1982.
How to Pick Up Girls, Eric Weber. NY: Symphony Press, 1970.
If I'm So Wonderful Why Am I Still Single?, Susan Page. Grafton Books,
1988.
Letting Go: A 12 Week Personal Action Program to Overcome a Broken
Heart. Zev Wanderer & Tracy Cabot. NY: Warner Books, 1981.
Lover Shopping: How to Be Married One Year from Today, Dr. Martin V.
Gallatin. Send $14.95 to Shapolsky Publishers, 56 E.11th St., New
York, NY 10003 or call (212) 505-2505.
Launching & Sustaining Successful Singles Ministry, Dick Dunn. $37.75
to Singles Ministry Resources, Box 1472, Roswell, GA 30077, 587-1691.
National Single Adult Ministries Resource Directory, Box 730, Redmond,
OR 97756, (800) 452-1104, x76. $11.95. Jerry Jones, Editor.
National Square Dance Directory, Box 54055, Jackson, MS 39208, (601)
825-6831. Gordon Goss. $9. Includes many singles square dance clubs.
101 Creative & Effective Ways to Meet Worthwhile Men, Betsy Reifman.
Singles Calendar, Box 3044, Laguna Hills 92654, (714) 855-2347.
Professional Singles Manual, Renee Namaste, Ph.D. Also known as Solo
Power. ARC Publications, 3142 Cork Ln, Costa Mesa 92626.
The Psychology of Romantic Love, Nathaniel Branden. NY:Bantam, 1981.
The Single Mother's Survival Manual, Barbara Duncan. Send $14.45 to R
& E Publishers, Box 2008, Saratoga, CA 95070.
Singles Guide to America, Richard Gosse. 446 pages lists over 7,000
singles organizations in all 50 states. Send $14.66 to Richard Gosse &
Associates, 4 Highland Ave., San Rafael, CA 94901, (415) 459-3817.
Single, Straight Men: 106 Guaranteed Places to Find Them, Dr. Diana
Sommerfield. St. Martin's Press, $9.95.
Singles: The New Americans, J. Simenauer & D. Caroll. NY: Simon and
Schuster, 1982.
The Whole Single Person's Catalog, E. Collins. NY: Peebles Press,
1979.
Personal ADventures, Jay Wiseman. Send $6.29 to Gentle Persuasion
Press, 2966 Diamond St., #212, San Francisco, CA 94131.
Single File: How to Live Happily Forever After With or Without Prince
Charming, Susan Deitz. NY: St. Martin's Press, 1989.
Singles Ministry Handbook, Douglas L. Fagerstrom, National Assoc. of
Christian Singles, 1933 W. Wisconsin Ave., Milwaukee, WI 53233.
Starting a Singles Ministry Kit. $34.95 to Mobilized to Serve, Elim
Fellowship, 7245 College, Lima, NY 14485, (716) 582-2790.
Thoughts & Feelings: The Art of Cognitive Stress Intervention, Matthew
McKay, et al. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1981.
Too Close, Too Soon, Jim Talley & Bobbie Reed. Nashville: Thomas
Nelson Publishers, 1982.
SINGLES RESOURCES
with Rich Gosse
Rich Gosse is Chairman of American Singles, a nationwide, non-profit
organization. He teaches classes for singles at more than 50 American
colleges. Now you can experience the wit and wisdom of Rich Gosse in
the privacy of your home or car with audio cassette tapes of his most
popular college classes. These tapes, together with his informative
and entertaining books, will give you all the resources you need to
enjoy your single lifestyle.
ORDER FORM
Please mail me the following items:
Looking for Love in All the Right Places (tape)
How to Be Happily Single (tape)
Romantic Charisma (tape)
Initiating Contact & the Art of Flirting (tape)
How to Select the Right Partner/Eliminating the Competition (tape) _
Self-Esteem for Singles (tape)
Singles Guide of America (book)
Singles Guide to the San Francisco Bay Area (book)
Singles Guide to the L.A. Area (book)
The Divorce Book
$9.95 + $1.71 shipping & handling = $11.66 per book or tape.
Enclosed is my check for $_________
Please charge my VISA or MC #
Name
Address
City, State, Zip, Phone
Mail to: Richard Gosse & Associates, 4 Highland Ave., San Rafael, CA
94901 or order over the phone, (415) 459-3817.
HOW TO FIND A LASTING RELATIONSHIP is an exciting, compassionate and
practical guide to loving relationships. Finally there is a book that
reveals everything you need to know about singles clubs, dating
services, classes, social events and numerous other great places to
meet your life partner.
HOW TO FIND A LASTING RELATIONSHIP explains where and how to make
intimate contact with someone special. The techniques in this book
demonstrate, step-by-step, how to attract the opposite sex, overcome
the fear of rejection, initiate contact, and establish intimacy.
HOW TO FIND A LASTING RELATIONSHIP explores important issues such as
dating etiquette, sex and the single person, overcoming loneliness,
and how to be happily single. Whether you are never married or are re-
entering the singles world, you'll find HOW TO FIND A LASTING
RELATIONSHIP to be the most inspiring, most complete guide for singles
ever published.
Required reading for persons who wish to improve the quality of their
present lives rather than wallow in past regrets." - Dr. Mel
Krantzler, author of Creative Divorce, Learning to Love Again, and
Creative Marriage.
A lively guide for singles." - Dr. Zev Wanderer, coauthor of Letting
Go, Making Love Work, and How Big is Big.
Richard Gosse is the Chairman of American Singles, a nationwide non-
profit organization, and the author of Singles Guide to America and
The Divorce Book.
ISBN 0-88247-848-6
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