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Date: Fri, 21 Jun 96 10:19:51 -0400
Subject: crouching and munching
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Originally to: screeners@plage.UK.Sun.COM
Sender: iufo-approval@alterzone.com
Original Date: Fri, 21 Jun 1996 13:20:27 +0100


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KABINDA, ZAIRE--In a move IBM officials are hailing as a major step in
the company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana
Ndeti,  a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink
network modem yesterday to crush a nut.

Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily
cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem. "I
could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who
added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later.
"With IBM's help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered the
nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a
commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in
shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via
computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and
took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing"
utensil.

Just after Ndeti shattered the nut, a 200-person Southern Baptist
gospel choir, on hand for the taping of the IBM commercial, broke out
into raucous,  joyous song in celebration of the tribesman's
accomplishment.

IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able
to provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems.
"Our  telecommunications systems offer people all over the world
global networking solutions that fit their specific needs," said
Herbert Ross, IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun
cloistered in an Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great
Sandy Desert, IBM has the ideas to get you where you want to go
today."

According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most
impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several
minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on
a rock, and I hit it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not
break. It is a good modem."

Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new,
state-of-the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC
601microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit
ethernet networking connectors.  The tribesman has already made good
use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its
wires, a boat anchor out of the
monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse.

"This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured
gazelle with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I
am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard."
Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking
the computer's 200-page owner's manual.

IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers.  "We are pleased
that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs,"
said company CEO William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM
is bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is
truly creating a global village." The Bantu tribesmen are members of
an ever-growing, international community of users who have turned to
IBM to solve their networking needs. Jean-Claude DuMont, a goatherder
from the French region of Brittany who is working on an Indiana
University Ph.D. in biology via internet, recently looked into IBM's
new computer-satellite data uplink, which offers instant access to all
library files worldwide. "With IBM's new uplink service, I can access
any file I want, any time I want," DuMont told fellow goatherder
Pierre Valmont during a recent walk through a rye field. "I can even
find out how many points Michael Jordan scored last night." Responded
Valmont: "Radical."



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