From: "Mark A. Smith" 
Subject: SNET: Ask Dr. Mad Law
Date: 31 Mar 2000 09:29:22 -0500
To: Mark 


->  SNETNEWS  Mailing List



ASK DR. MAD LAW (satire)



PATRICIA J. WILLIAMS


Section 10-131, subparagraph (g)1, of the administrative code of the
City
of New York provides that: "It shall be unlawful for any person to sell
or offer for sale, possess or use or attempt to use or give away, any
toy
or imitation firearm which substantially duplicates or can reasonably be
perceived to be an actual firearm...."

Dear Dr. Mad Law:
My little girl
was invited to a cowboy theme birthday party. She wanted to go as Annie
Oakley, but we can't find a single store in New York that sells toy
guns.
What gives?
      
Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned:
There is a ban on the
sale and distribution of toy guns in New York City. This measure was
enacted
after police accidentally shot and killed a child who was brandishing a
toy pistol. There is no such ban on real guns, however. Perhaps you
could
lend her one of your own. Have fun at the party.
* * *

Dear Dr. Mad Law:
My father's birthday is coming up and I wanted to buy him a nice
hand-tooled
Italian leather wallet. But I can't find a single store in New York that
sells wallets. What gives?
      Curious Son

Dear Curious:
There is a ban
on the sale and distribution of hand-tooled Italian leather wallets in
New
York City. This measure was enacted after police accidentally shot and
killed
a man who was brandishing just such a wallet in a wild and erratic
manner.
How about a nice silk tie?
* * *

Dear Dr. Mad Law:
My wedding anniversary
is next week, and I wanted to buy my wife a Three Musketeers candy bar,
which is what I bought her on our first date. But I can't find a single
store in New York that sells candy bars. What gives?
      Desperate Hubby
Dear Desperate:
There is a ban on the sale and distribution of candy bars
in New York City. This measure was enacted after a police officer
accidentally
shot and wounded a teenager who was brandishing a Three Musketeers candy
bar in a very threatening manner. There is one gray area of the law that
you might explore: Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey, in which disassembled
candy bar pieces sneak into the city disguised as ice cream.
* * *
 Dear
Dr. Mad Law:
I am a 19-year-old suspect profile pursuing simultaneous doctorates
in astrophysics, economics and brain surgery at Columbia University. I
can't
find a single person in New York who believes I am innocent. What gives?
Troubled Mind

Dear Troubled:
There is a ban on innocent suspect profiles
in New York City. This measure was enacted after police accidentally
shot
several dozen innocent suspect profiles who were brandishing their
bodies
in suspiciously expressive and unpredictable ways. As you can surely
understand,
it becomes very confusing for law enforcement when they have to make
on-the-spot
judgments balancing the presumption of innocence, one of our most sacred
jurisprudential ideals, against the kinds of decisive action necessary
to
protect us all from high crime statistics. You will be pleased to know
that
since the enactment of this ban, the police have shot only guilty
suspect
profiles whose resumes provided ample probable cause for prolonged
gunfire.
      
Have you considered moving to New Jersey? I hear that there
are quite a few innocent suspect profiles who commute.
* * *

Dear Dr. Mad
Law:
While on vacation in Jamaica, I sent a postcard to my sister, who lives
in New York City. When she got it, the card was in little pieces and
wrapped
in a plastic bag with a note of apology from the post office. My sister
says it's because the post office unfairly singles out Jamaican
postcards;
next thing you know they're in a plastic bag. Can this be true? What
gives?
Bewildered Sister

Dear Bewildered:
There is a ban on the sale and distribution
of all postcards, regardless of ethnic or national origin, in New York
City.
This measure was enacted after a recent flood of angry postcards nearly
buried City Hall and threatened to sweep the occupants from their
various
offices. Better safe than sorry.
      
Furthermore, I was able to confirm
that the postal workers who encountered your particular postcard acted
reasonably
under the circumstances. What your letter fails to mention is that your
card pictured a suspiciously beady-eyed, gaudily outfitted tropical
parrot
whose talons were clenched around a large gun-shaped branch.
Understandably,
the postal police, whose jobs are very stressful, feared for their lives
and drew their weapons. But despite repeated volleys, the parrot's
fierce
raptor talons remained clenched, leading frightened law officers to
reasonably
conclude that the parrot was wearing bulletproof bootlets. They
continued
shooting in self-defense until they were sure that they had made a
tragic
mistake. As you must know, Jamaican parrots have often appeared on When
Good Pets Go Bad, and your shifty little bird bore a strong resemblance
to them all. I'd say those fine public servants were just doing their
job.
* * *

PERSONALS

Hardworking, professional 25-year-old suspect profile
seeking SWM, 35 plus, for chaperoning, good times, credibility and more.
Looking for serious, long-term witness relationship only, please. Do you
love fine cars, late-night strolls, running in the park? Could you be
that
special one to spare my life?



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