From: BOBWORN@aol.com
Subject: SNET: {:-)  ANOTHER RAID GONE BAD  {:-)
Date: 10 Feb 2000 11:41:19 -0500
To: BOBWORN@aol.com


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       STANDOFF ENDS TRAGICALLY FOR ECCENTRIC SQUINTILLIONAIRE

Steve Raiguel; BSNN contributor

DUCKBURG- In a coordinated predawn raid this morning, heavily armed
agents from the Treasury Department, FBI, and ATF stormed the supposedly
impenetrable bunker known as the "Money Bin", from which "Uncle" Scrooge
McDuck, accused ringleader of a tax resistance network, has held Federal
Marshals at bay for more than two weeks.  After a brief exchange of
shots following the breaching of the bunker's walls, the octogenarian
went down in a hail of gunfire.

The siege began early this month after McDuck lost a final court appeal
seeking to enjoin the of seizure his huge fortune.  McDuck fell afoul of
the Internal Revenue Service last year in failing to report his "Old
Number One" dime to the IRS, listing it instead as a "talisman".  On
discovering this omission, the IRS moved swiftly to seize McDuck's
fortune under federal forfeiture statutes, leading to the lengthy court
battle during which McDuck vowed, prophetically, that "they would steal
his money over his dead body"

In a second, simultaneous raid at a house on Mallard Way owned by
McDuck's 35-year-old nephew, Donald Duck, agents, acting on an anonymous
tip, recovered further evidence of a far-reaching conspiracy.  Donald
Duck, an individual described by neighbors as 'temperamental' and
'combative', was taken under arrest along with three male juveniles
discovered living at the residence.  They are now being questioned by
authorities regarding the activities inside the Duck compound.

Duck reportedly appeared frequently in public sporting a quasi-military
sailor's outfit, and has long been suspected of right-wing militia
activity.  Survivalist gear, including uniforms, insignia, and 
literature of the clandestine "Junior Woodchucks" organization were 
found inside the compound.  Agents were initially unable to locate the 
cache of weapons stipulated by the search warrant until the arrival of a 
van containing several large crates labeled "special search equipment" 
which were unloaded into the compound under close guard.  Shortly 
thereafter, a huge stockpile of automatic rifles, grenades, bazookas, 
and tactical nuclear weapons came to light and were put on display for 
reporters.

Back at the "Money Bin", ATF personnel displayed an unregistered assault
blunderbuss recovered from the burned-out ruins of the bunker.  An agent
explained that while technically legal, it was the weapon of choice for
street gangs and psychopathic serial killers.  "These things may look
harmless enough", he explained, "but by changing just three components -
the barrel, the action, and the stock - you can convert one into a fully
automatic 105-mm howitzer.  I hate to think of how many kids we saved by
getting this baby off the streets."

Gladstone Gander, head of the FBI's domestic strike force and 
coordinator of the assault on the McDuck stronghold denied that profit 
had been a motive in moving to seize the enormous assets contained in 
the bunker.

"Certainly not, I can say uncatagorically that the monies involved, huge
though they may be, had absolutely nothing to do with our decision to
act.   McDuck has been under our scrutiny for some time now, and if need 
be, we can produce witnesses linking his name to international money
laundering interests, drug smuggling, child pornography, Satanism, and
the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa.  We had information - I'm not at
liberty to divulge the sources, of course - that he and his nephew were
also the leaders of a Duck Supremacist cult that was abusing ducklings.
That's why we had to move - to protect those kids!  Anybody saying
otherwise is simply trying to undermine this investigation and I can
assure you, that those individuals can expect to have their 1040 forms
scrutinized very carefully next year."

Defending the agencies' use of strategic bombers in the raid, Attorney
General Zero Gannet, acting as spokesbird for the Justice Department,
explained "The old duck had the place completely rigged with booby
traps.  We had to think of our men. We almost lost two of our best 
agents when they stepped on a trip wire, dumping a bucket of paint right
on top of them.  They're up there in the hospital right now, fighting 
for their lives, and the doctors still don't know if they'll ever be any
color but taupe for the rest of their lives.  We had to go in, and go in
strong.  The old codger had vowed we'd never take him alive.  Besides,
some kids coulda stepped into one of those booby traps of his, he had
them set up all over the place."

A social worker counseling the three young ducks found inside the Duck
compound, known only as "Huey, Dewey, and Louie" commented that "Lord
only knows what those poor kids went through in there.  "Of course, 
they're going to need several months of intensive therapy and
reprogramming by our own crack team of staff psychologists.  After that, 
I think they'll be ready to testify against this Duck character. We need
more liberal search and seizure laws to protect society against
malicious ganders like that, I mean, what kind of miscreants would use
innocent children for their own political purposes?"

The recent events in Duckburg have raised popular opinion against armed
terrorist groups like the Duck gang and have resulted in a groundswell
of public outrage calling for tougher sanctions against tax resistors,
increased surveillance of individuals holding anti-government opinions,
and the confiscation of all privately owned blunderbusses, as shown by a
recent NBC poll in which 94% of respondents answered affirmatively when
asked the question "do you think children should be protected from
dangerous criminals".  President Hornbill has been reported to be 
meeting with his advisors at this time and has scheduled a press
conference for 10:00 A.M. (EDT) in which he's expected to push for
tougher laws and sweeping government powers to combat similar terrorist
networks.

©Steve Raiguel copyright 2000, All rights reserved

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