From: "James &  Shirley Ely" 
Subject: SNET: Fw: Airborne HUMOR
Date: 29 Jan 2000 06:43:28 -0500
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-----Original Message-----
From: Christopher Ruby 
To: safetrek@mcn.net 
Date: Friday, January 28, 2000 11:56 PM
Subject: Airborne HUMOR


>First, "Bill and Jerry"  (Thanks to Eva Tame for this one)
>
>Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. Once
>the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
>The President asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked
>the minister if he too would like a drink. Mr. Falwell replied "I'd rather
>be savagely raped by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips."
>
>The President then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said,
>"My apologies, I didn't realize there was a choice... I'll have the same
>thing he's having.
>
>
>------------------ next are some real life airline gems:
>
>Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
>"in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit
>more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have
>been heard or reported:
>
>"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
>ways out of this airplane..."
>
>After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
>We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
>enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
>As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
>National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
>fella. WHOA!"
>
>After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
>Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
>"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
>because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
>shifted."
>
> >From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard
>Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt,
>insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works
>just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to
>operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
>unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
>margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
>grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small
>child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
>with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
>child... pick your favorite."
>
>"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
>clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
>you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
>than Southwest Airlines."
>
>"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event
>of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and
>take them with our compliments."
>
>Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
>cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.
>I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and
>visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
>
>"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from
>the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth
>and nose before assisting children, or other adults acting like
>children."
>
>"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
>belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
>among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
>spouses."
>
>"Last one off the plane must clean it."
>
>And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are
>pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
>industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
>
>Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
>Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and
>said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are
>thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it
>wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...
>it was the asphalt!"
>
>Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
>on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final
>approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
>extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA
>and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
>Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while
>the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
>
>Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
>landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
>Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
>
>An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
>hammered which required the first officer to stand at the door
>while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks
>for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing,
>he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
>that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone
>had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a
>cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no
>Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said,
>"Did we land or were we shot down?"
>
>After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
>Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
>remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have
>brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And,
>once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
>silenced,we'll open the door and you can pick your way through
>the wreckage to the terminal."
>
>Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
>thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
>get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
>pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US
>Airways!"
>
>###
>
>


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