From: "Robert Sterling" 
Subject: SNET: North Pole Standoff
Date: 21 Dec 1998 10:37:14 -0500
To: konformist@egroups.com


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Robert Sterling
Editor, The Konformist
http://www.konformist.com


http://www.4bypass.com/daily/default.htm

North Pole Standoff

A fierce battle ended in a stand-off today as a multi-jurisdictional 
task force of federal law enforcement agents tried to arrest the leader 
of a militant doomsday cult, who call themselves "Elves," living in a 
heavily fortified compound at the North Pole.  According to witnesses, 
federal agents hid in livestock trailers as they drove up to the 
compound. 

The approach was difficult in the snow using wheeled vehicles.  Several 
agents were reportedly thrown from the trailer when it hit a snow bank.  
The agents were unable to use dog teams and sleds because the ATF agents 
shot all the dogs during training at a nearby recreational facility 
where agents had practiced for weeks on a mock-up of the compound in 
preparation for the raid. 

As three National Guard helicopters approached, over 100 law officers 
stormed the main compound, a heavily fortified gingerbread structure, 
throwing concussion grenades and screaming "Come out!"  Cult members and 
law officers negotiated a cease-fire about 45 minutes after the incident 
began. 

For the next several hours, ambulances and helicopters swarmed the 
premises.  The area was cordoned off and ATF agents with machine guns 
were posted in the roadways to keep reporters at least two miles from 
the main battle area. 

In a lengthy report on the group Saturday, The North Pole Tribune-Herald 
said that the cult was known to have a large arsenal of high-powered 
weapons, probably produced in a workshop disguised as a "toy factory."  
This toy factory is also believed to be the sight of a methamphetamine 
laboratory, according to sources inside the ATF. 

The article quoted investigators as saying the crazed cult leader, who 
uses several aliases, "Santa Claus," "Saint Nick," "Sinterclaas," and 
"Saint Nicholas," age unknown, has abused children and claims to have at 
least 15 wives. Santa Claus denies these accusations of abuse and said 
he has had only one wife, Mrs. Santa Claus. 

Authorities had a warrant to search the North Pole compound for guns and 
explosive devices and an arrest warrant for its leader, Santa Claus, 
said Mess Stanford of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms in 
Washington, D.C.  Mr. Stanford added it would be useless to attempt to 
get a copy of this warrant, however, because it had been sealed, "for 
national security reasons." 

The assault came one day after the North Pole Tribune-Herald began 
publishing a series on the cult, quoting former members as saying the 
deranged cult leader, Santa Claus, abused children and had at least 15 
wives. 

ATF spokesman Jack Killchildren in Washington said the assault had been 
planned for several weeks, although he added, "I think the newspaper's 
investigation set up heightened tension." 

The cult's fortress, called "The Toy Factory," is dominated by a tower 
with lookout windows facing in all directions. Guards reportedly patrol 
the 77-acre grounds at night. 

Attorney General Janet Reno ordered the raid after cult members refused 
to surrender documents relating to national security.  A source inside 
the Justice Department said that the documents were lists of cabinet 
members and highly placed government officials who were naughty or nice.  
Despite preliminary, secret negotiations to obtain the list, the Elves 
refused to surrender the document to the Justice Department. 

The raid was scheduled early, because December 25 is believed to be a 
traditional cult holiday and all the militant elves would be engaged in 
cult rituals in preparation for the event. 

At a press conference this afternoon, Attorney General Reno said, "These 
militants abuse children in the most vile manner, by teaching them to 
expect charity.  They have even distributed free, working replicas of 
'assault weapons' and 'handguns.'  It is a matter of dire importance to 
our future and the future of all our children, that this peril be ended 
by every means at our disposal." 

She went on to say that "I do not want to surround the compound and 
shoot everyone and then burn it to the ground in order to prevent this 
child abuse from occurring again, but that appears to be our only 
alternative." 

According to Reno, the "Toy Factory" itself is a sweatshop and 
conditions inside were horrendous.  The Department of Justice is also 
looking into allegations of animal cruelty.  Former members of the cult 
have claimed that Santa Claus frequently uses leather restraints on at 
least eight reindeer, housed in sordid conditions on the compound.  
Witnesses reported seeing a reindeer with a protruding red nose, which 
Janet Reno said was further indication of the abusive conditions inside 
the compound. 

Several of the elves were reported by the BATF to have been carrying 
automatic weapons. However, independent sources dispute this, claiming 
that the "automatic weapons" were nothing more than large candy canes. 

ATF leader Ted Oyster, shaken after the ordeal, spoke to reporters as 
hundreds of agents, many of them in tears, were taken away from the 
North Pole in military airlifts, ambulances, and private vehicles. 

"We had our plan down, we had our diversion down, and they were 
waiting..." Oyster said resignedly, shaking his head. 

A hospital spokesman said that most of the wounded ATF agents appeared 
to be suffering from shrapnel wounds from broken candy canes, as well as 
frostbite, apparently suffered from wearing forest-green camouflage in 
the wintry terrain. 

Attorney General Reno offered no comment on these reports. 

Mack "the knife" McWarty was seen strolling across the White House lawn, 
chuckling to himself as he read what inside sources say was a copy of 
the naughty/nice list. 

One highly placed government official was found dead in Marcy Park.  His 
name and the cause of death are unknown at this time; however, the White 
House immediately issued a statement claiming the official had committed 
suicide after learning his name was not on the nice list. 

Patsy Thomahawk refused to comment on the advice of her attorney on 
whether she had any part in removing copies of the naughty/nice list 
from a safe in the White House. 

A spokesman from the MJTF said that it was indeed a tragedy that Santa 
Claus had caused this confrontation, but this should be a lesson to 
anyone who tries to give to everyone without permission from the welfare 
department, and that gathering sensitive data without a permit from 
official sources will be stopped by any means. 

FBI spokesman Bob Pricks, the former national Abortion Poster Child of 
1944, relayed that "We are dealing with a madman.  We have cut off all 
electricity, water, and communications to the compound. Santa Claus has 
demanded that we relay a message to the world.  It reads, 'Merry 
Christmas to all and to all a good night.'  FBI psychological experts 
are presently analyzing the message, however, preliminary reports 
indicate this is an encrypted threat to invade the neighboring towns 
near the North Pole.   It may also be a doomsday message that the cult 
intends to commit mass suicide, like Jonestown." 

Shortly after the raid, a smiling Reno was seen strolling through the 
pile of rubbish looking for anatomically correct Barbie dolls. She 
claimed that she was going to confiscate any that she found as 
"evidence" and that they were for a personal investigation that she was 
conducting. 

Attorney General Reno also disclosed some information about plans to 
raid Mr. E. Ster Bunny sometime next spring. According to the FBI's 
report on Mr. Bunny, he has been hoarding food all year. This is in 
direct violation of a secret Presidential Directive. "This ingratitude 
for everything that we have done will stop, even if it means raiding 
every house in the USA to enforce these new laws that were made to 
insure your freedom..." Reno said. 

This, boys and girls, should make us all sleep just a little bit better 
tonight. The government will protect us from overindulging in freedom. 
If they didn't step in and take control of that "naughty/nice" list, 
just think what shape we might be in..... 

--Marv Boetcher 

For those who understand, NO explanation
is needed, for those who DON'T understand     
NO explanation will be given.


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