From: LEEFINKLE@aol.com
Subject: [illusions] God Questionnaire
Date: 13 Mar 1999 13:05:47 -0500
To: illusions@bticc.net
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This is meant to be offensive, but I thought it was cute.
Lee
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God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better
serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following
questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential,
and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct
response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper ___ Bible
___ Torah ___ Book of
Mormon
___ Koran ___ Divine
inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls ___ My mama done tol'
me
___ Near-death experience ___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio ___ Tabloid
___ Burning shrubbery ___ Other (specify):
_____________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh ___ Father, Son &
Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah ___ Jesus
___ Krishna [Krs.na 1.0] ___ Zeus and entourage
[Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] ___ Allah
___ Satan ___
Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer) ___ God 1.0b (cosmic
muffin)
___ Other (specify): _____________ ___ None of the above; I was
taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order
and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please
indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space (Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos)
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
___ Other (specify): _____________
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please
check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents ___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society ___ Needed focus in whom to
despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up ___ Wanted to know Jesus in the
Biblical sense
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy ___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys ___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents ___ Needed a day away from work
___ Like organ music ___ Need to feel morally
superior
___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool ___ My shrubbery caught fire and
told me to
___ Other (specify): _____________
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you
fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger ___ Rajanish
___ Baal (any version) ___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates ___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right ___ Beelzebubba
___ Barney T.B.P.D. ___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin ___ The sun
___ Elvis ___ Cindy Crawford
___ The moon ___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery ___ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition toGod?
Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Lottery
__ Astrology __ Television
__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics
__ Palmistry __ Playboy
and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books __ Sex, drugs,
rock and roll
__ Biorhythms __ Alcohol
__ Bill Clinton __ Tea leaves
__ EST __ CompuServe
__ Mantras __ Jimmy
Swaggert
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) __ Human sacrifice
__ Pyramids __ Wandering in
a desert
__ Burning shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife ___ Other
(specify): _____________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer
(circle one)?
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
Disasters:
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
Spam 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over jerkwater towns1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our
conveniently located drop-off boxes by November 30 you will be entered in the
One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately
one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power, depending on number of beings entered).
--
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