Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 12:19:00 -0500
From: Ross Sauer
Subject: Xmas food [1-2]
>>> Part 1 of 2...
Your 'Have A Nice Day' Laugh is:
Food, Glorious Holiday Food:
o Christmas Fruit Cake Recipe
o Top Ten Uses for Holiday Fruit Cake
o Diet for the Holiday
o Dieters Night Before Christmas
CHRISTMAS FRUIT CAKE RECIPE
Ingredients
1 cup water 8oz. mixed nuts 1 cup brown sugar
1 cup butter 1 tsp. salt 2 cups dried fruit
4 large eggs juice of 1 lemon 1 tsp baking powder
1 bottle bourbon
Method
Sample the bourbon to check quality.
Take a large bowl.
Re-sample the bourbon to ensure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffy bowl.
Add one tsp sugar and beat again.
Make sure the bourbon is still okay. Cry another tup.
Turn on the mixerer.
Break two eggs and add to the bowl, chuck in the dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaterers, pry it loos with a drewscriver.
Sample the bourbon to check for tonsiscency.
Next sift two cups of salt, or something. Who cares?
Check the bourbon.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turnerer.
Throw the bowl out of the window, check the bourbon again and
go to bed.
Dave Ussell offers:
TOP 10 USES FOR HOLIDAY FRUITCAKES:
10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.
7. Use as railroad ties.
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
4. Use instead of cement shoes.
3. Save for next summer's garage sale.
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
1. Two words: pin cushion.
From: Diane Berger
Diet for the Holiday
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds during
the Holidays. Enjoy!!
BREAKFAST
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast, dry
8 oz. skim milk
LUNCH
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 oreo cookie
MID AFTERNOON SNACK
rest of the oreos in the package
2 pints of rocky road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
nuts, cherries, whipped cream
DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese
large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Milky Way candy bars
LATE EVENING NEWS
entire frozen cheesecake, eaten directly from freezer
RULES FOR THIS DIET
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar
are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat
more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate,
brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red
Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they
are part of the entertainment package and no part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories -- the process of breaking causes
calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the
process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife
making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
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9. Food that have the same color have the same number of calories.
Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white
chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted
for any other food color.
10. Anything comsumed while standing over the kitchen sink, has no calories.
A DIETERS CHRISTMAS
Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips
were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
a marzipan santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
my clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night
in the morning I'll starve..'till I take that first bite!
HAND! Have A Nice Day!
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We hope you enjoy this list!
Ross Sauer patch@bytehead.com
___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.20 [NR]
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