From: rreid@rreid.mentorg.com (Richard Reid)
Subject: The Yard's in Bloom, again. (an essay)
Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 18:29:55 GMT

Let's talk about weeds for a minute. I
was wondering around in the Wilsonville
library a couple of weeks ago and came
upon a book titled something along the
lines of "Love Your Weeds." The
author's premise stated that weeds are
not just weeds but that they too are
plants. I'm not so sure.

In my yard alone I have field mint,
morning glory, clover, moss, thistle,
chick weed and some type of surface
runner that reminds me of the milfoil
we'd get tangled up in as kids from
swimming in the lake during the late
summer. And of course, there is the
grandaddy of them all, the ever present
and common Dandelion.

In my yard the dandelions are particu-
larly bad. To prove it, a common joke in
our house announces that it is time to cut
the grass whenever the dandelions are in
bloom. Of course by then, it is raining,
and so the grass must wait until either the
sun decides to overcome the gray north-
west sky or until the clouds graciously
hold back their rain like a mother holds
her infant when he is hungry and there is
no convenient place to nurse.

And if this happens, and it rarely does, it
is too late. The cessation of rain cause the
dandelions to enter survival mode. You
can tell when a dandelion is entering sur-
vival mode by the miraculous conver-
sion it undergoes from being a dainty
yellow flower into a dainty puff of weed
seeds.And as you can guess, when the
grass gets clipped the weed seed is
shaken from its' launching pad and para-
chutes around in the air like a saboteur
looking for an arms depot. In my yard the
arms depot is the vegetable patch.

I've tried a variety of things to rid myself
of these subversive botanicals. I've dug,
I've plucked, I've poured boiling water
upon them like a medieval warrior
defending the castle wall (A mans home
is his castle). Once I even hypothesized
that if I could prevent the yellow buttons
from going to seed then in time I would
eventually deplete the life cycle which in
turn would start depopulation. I
instructed my two year old. He ran
around happily picking the pretty yellow
flowers depositing them into a bucket.
This lasted 30 minutes and a resulted in
one bucket of deadheads and two days of
green lawn.

 I've considered succumbing to chemical
warfare. My extension agent claims that
Weed-n-Feed, merely feeds the weeds. If
it wasn't for the children, I'm sure I
would throw off my Big-O organic man-
tle and apply lawn chemicals in the same
manner the U.S applied Agent Orange to
the jungles of Vietnam: enthusiastically
and without conscience. But my con-
science tells me not to be so enthusiastic,
not yet.

I read once that dandelions, in their own
Darwinian way, react to any condition
that threatens their growth. For example,
if you have a long lanky dandelion and
cut it off about half way up the stem, then
when a new flower forms it will only
grow to the height from which the old
flower was severed. if you do this repeat-
edly you will eventually see the familiar
butter colored bud at ground level.

This fact causes me to surmise that as
dandelions struggle their way up the evo-
lutionary chain they will eventually be
growing underground, remotely per-
forming photosynthesis and propagating
the species with its usual characteristics.
This new strain of dandelion will then
quietly and unashamedly spread itself
throughout the regions of the earth build-
ing it's population base to the point
where it becomes a world super power
and threatens the existence of mankind
(why should we assume that dandelions
be benevolent). All of this taking place
underground and over a period of years
that you as a home owner, having forgot-
ten the painstaking hours you spent dig-
ging, pulling, cutting and chemically
removing these pest, will have no
recourse but to give into their demands
by releasing all potted plants, revealing
your credit card numbers and granting
first right of refusal for taking your
daughter to the senior prom (Here, I
brought you a corsage).

I guess the choice is pure and simple:
you can "Love your Weeds" (as future
in-laws) or you can leave em! I think I'll
leave em. Besides, it stopped raining, I
have to go cut the grass, the yards in
bloom, again.


--
Rick Reid
rreid@.mentorg.com  -- Mentor Graphics Corporation