Reluctant Tears
by Tzipora Katz


"Thou art Goddess."

The Priest anointed her, being careful not to remove the make-up
covering her bruises. Bruises he had placed on her only the night before.

It has been two years since I last had to perform that ritual. Two years
since the last time I was the victim of domestic violence. Two years since
I last had to find the awkward excuses for strange cuts on the inside of
my lip. or creatively explain away a loud "argument" from the night
before. Two years.

My new partner asked me if my abuser was still here. Asked me if I knew
how far I had come.

"No."

Those events still live in the shadows. Still haunt my dreams and cloud
my ability to think some days. though physically away from me, my
abuser is still a very real part of my life.

The acceptance of what had happened, the tears that would offer the
healing needed to move beyond, have been slow in their coming. My
mentor at our local shelter for battered women assures me I'm doing fine.
Some days I doubt her sanity.

Every fifteen seconds a woman is battered in the U.S.A. That is a
statistical abomination. It accounts for reported physical abuse, nothing
more. It does not reflect what happens when a victim is terrorized,
humiliated, or bullied. It does not come anywhere near the reality of
magickal threats. It cannot. The nubmers would be too high. It would
make the Burning Times and the Holocaust combined pale. Yet it is real.

We practice magick. We build walls of blue light around ourselves to
keep out those things we do not wish to have near us. We send each
other positive energy to keep away those things that have no place in our
lives. Healing magick is offered without a thought beyond "let me help
you".

But those spells are easily broken with a slap to the face. Or a hand
choking a neck. Or worse. There are no spells that will prevent an act
such as rape. No chants printed in our local newsletters, no tapes that will
teach us the secret mantra to block a chair being destroyed only inches
from us. No oils sold at the local occult shop to filter out the violence.

And ever fewer chants for healing the wounds.

Fewer still are the safe places inside this Pagan Community for a victim
to go and be heard. We as a community say that we venerate the
Goddess, revere the God. If this is true then why are so many of our
women being battered? How can we, who claim to have an awareness
beyond the mundane, who claim to be psychic, be so blind to the truth?

The answer is not all that complex. We are no different from the rest of
society. It wasn't that long ago that we acknowledged that we had the
same kinds of substance abuse problems as the world at large. We
offered healing to victims of rape and incest. In both of these cases, with
open hearts and minds. No accusations of the victims having asked for
the abuse, the addict having carefully plotted their addictions. So why in
the face of domestic violence do we turn away?

Perhaps the reason is because the violence is being generated inside our
community and it is far too painful for any of us (including many victims)
to face. Domestic violence is different and far removed from other forms
of abuse. A victim of domestic violence has to face the abuse as well as
the reality that they chose their partner. No matter how many times they
are reminded that, no one enters into a relationship with the thought of
"Now I'm going to be abused. What a relief." It doesn't remove the feeling
of failure in having made what now appears to have been a poor choice.

Worse still is that when a victim points a finger at an abuser from inside
the community, they are risking harming the community as a whole.
"Nice witches don't beat each other." It's bad magick.

But nice witches do indeed beat each other. Nice witches do abuse each
other. And all the magickal chants and potions in the world will not protect
the victim from the falling blows.

So what can we do? What healing can be offered?

In order for the healing to begin, we have to accept that domestic
violence does happen here, in this community. Victims must be believed.
They must be given a safe space to find the strength to heal. In their own
time, not ours.

We do not need to create our own shelters. There are shelters that exist
in the world already. We do not need to create tribunals to hear the cases
and judge the truth. We do not need to try to council the partners into
healing the relationship.

We need to learn to listen. We need to hear the truth, and act on it.
Abuse must not be tolerated or accepted. Abusers must be given a place
to find their own healing, to offer less would be inhuman.Within that
space abusers must be removed from other potentially abusive
situations. We must be certain the victims are safe from further harm.
That must come first.

Most importantly, we must look each other in the eye and say:

"Thou are Goddess. Thou art God." And really mean it.

Post Script:  Since the original writing of this article I have become aware
of two more women in our community who have been severely abused.
One victim received a fractured skull. The other victim having been
beaten with a bat required extensive medical attention (some 73 staples
and 49 stitches, I believe were the number). In both cases, the abusers
are known figures in the community. Both women have sought legal
assistance and are pursuing their cases.

Gwyddion once wrote, "We won't wait any longer. We are stronger than
before."

May those words guide other victims to their strength to get to safety.
And may they give this community the strength it will need to help itself
heal.



***Permission to reprint is granted by the author providing the article is
copied without changes. For more information on what you can do to help
stop domestic violence in your area contact the National Coalition
Against Domestic Violence at 202-638-6388, or your local shelter.***