From: "R. Leland Lehrman" 
Subject: A Beam of Consciousness
Message-ID: <199510182135.RAA22818@minerva.cis.yale.edu>
Date: Wed, 18 Oct 95 22:35:57 0500
         A Beam of Consciousness

by R. Leland Lehrman
April, 1995.
Originally written March 1995

        Think about it:


        This is a beam of consciousness, selectively aimed. I'm doing
this because I want to, because I have something to say.

        After doing some intense net.browsing the last couple of days,
I am reaching saturation point, and have decided it's time for a major
analysis of technology and human endeavor at this point. Perhaps you
too have noticed that the need to communicate is two way, and that
after a while, it becomes necessary to inform others of what you feel,
to make some type of difference, to suggest some possible improvement.

        The Web is malleable, like consciousness, and responds to
small changes as well as large. Lorenz discovered that the minutest of
changes in the input data to a chaotic equation resulted in a drastic
alteration of the outcome. I.e., though this voice may be singular,
and in many ways I know it's not, the ability and desire to make this
comment will be felt and registered on the whole of existence, as all
input is.

        So what do I have to say?

        I could stay cogent and stiff, or I could be freeform. When I
sing, I find myself freely exploring new boundaries, trying to allow
the expression before deciding whether or not I "should." And in this
little piece I'll probably stray towards that mode, as I feel it is
ultimately the most real.

        What are we going to do my friends, with ourselves, our world,
our Creation. What are we going to say to God when They ask us why we
did what we did? Huh?

        Oh, I just did what I had to do, or I did the best I could.

        Whoe fears, what are they, where do we find the time? When
will we get to be what we really want to be. Is death really
inevitable, why can't we live forever, who says?

        God says that if we pay enough attention to our true selves,
that there is no reason we should have to die, because if we pay
careful enough attention to our Divine Needs and Impulses, we shall
always have enough energy to live. Can you deal with that perspective?
Is it really so impossible?

        I get frustrated so often, looking out over the mass of
information, discovering so little pertaining to exactly what is
really going on, so little effort to delve into the depths, to uncover
the secrets we may have lost, to reclaim joyous life.

        So much survival fear, worrying about money, no acceptance for
self, no acceptance for the need to just be free. It's all so bleak,
as if everyone were assuming that they were encased in some type of
opaque substance, and had to yell and scream to be heard.

        What are we here for? Are we a team? What can we make with
this world. Let's think big. It's been so long since I sent out this
message, there are many who will not receive it; either they're not
online, or they're not listening or able to listen.

        I'm doing some work in Educational Technology, hooking schools
up to the Information Infrastructure. Who's thinking about the kids.
What do people really want? What do we really need? How are we going
to get it? Where is it going to come from?

        I look out over the whole of Creation, when I finally realize
I've been boring holes in cyberspace where no man need go, and laugh
at myself, struggling to find some type of affirmation, some type of
living interaction. Seems we're so upset all the time, so hurt, so
limited, caulked at the seams, what's up people? What's it going to
take to get you to look out the window and dream of a time and a place
where you can be excited about life, and enjoy yourself completely?
What's it going to take to unseat the metalities of death and self-
denial. Who are we anyway? What do we want to do?

        I feel like sending a pulse beam throughout the Internet that
alerts people to their lost feelings, to the parts of themselves
they've been forgetting in their headlong rush towards whatever.

        Because I have this problem too, I can't seem to realize my
potential in the way I want to, but then I hate to even say it.

        This is how I deal with the buildup, this is how I make my way
out of the rabbit hole. This is how I rejoin God. This is how I rejoin
the world. This is how I get to where I want to go. I want to stay
inside love, not coochy, but real, expanded, deep, rich, flavorful,
happy, pervasive, interesting, supportive, caring. That's where I want
to be, and of course where I will go, eventually.

        But I see myself spending all this time on the Web, talking to
people, asking their advice, commenting on their pages and ideas, and
finally when I stop and look at myself, I realize I'm somewhat
desperate to make a difference, trying real hard to make sure everyone
has a good time, to help anyone that needs a hand, to get whatever
help I need or want.

        Here in digital space, meaning is doubly encased within an
electronic symbol, trapped and yet not trapped. Where are you now,
queen of the seas, a Spanish poet once wrote.

        Where are you now?

        Inside. Where are you going? What are you doing? When can we
get together, what are we going to do with our lives? Can we sit back
soon? Can we enjoy it soon? Can we love the whole world soon? Can the
world love us soon?

        Can I have a cookie?

        I don't know, the words are just coming now, I guess this is
what I wanted to do, I can still see myself, letting out that small
cry of desperation sitting at the X-Windows terminal watching Mosaic.
But now I'm speaking, and I can say whatever I want to, and you might
even read it, though I can't be sure.

        This is me, this is my heart, this is my soul, This is m love,
this is my brain, this is my want, this is my need. This is me. I am
here. I love you. I can help you, You can help me, we can help each
other, we can be free, we can have fun, we can love me, we can love
you.

        WE CAN be true, we can know God, We can have sex, we can make
love. We can get crazy, we can deny, we can hate, we can be violent.

        What will we do? I want to know, I want to go

                        To the top of the world
to say what I want,
to feel what I feel
to know what I know.
To be with you,
to be with you,
are you there my friends,
are you there?
I have been waiting for such a long time.

        I'm sitting here, thinking, what are people going to think of
this? Worried I might get someone asking if I'm not just a little too
something, or subtly attacking me for some belief I might have
demonstrated. I'm scared of the response I might get, but then, I'm
sure I'll make it. Please don't hurt me too much though :) Of course,
I could always kick your butt...

                               Love, Lee

              What did you think The Mother would do? :)



http://id.wing.net/~gate/IGATreport1

---SnetMgr 0.60 [r0001]
 * Origin: snet-l@world.std.com <-> FidoNet (1:330/202)