Report Of Alien Contact In The UK
                    Comments To 100721,1140 Please


IT IS reassuring to learn that the European Parliament is taking a
serious interest in Unidentified Flying Objects and that there is a
proposal for the EU to fund a permanent UFO tracking centre.

I certainly intend to make a report to my own MEP about a strange
experience I had the other week. I am convinced that I had a close
encounter with beings from outer space.

It was late at night when I saw this incredibly bright white light
coming slowly over the horizon. As the object approached it gave off
an eerie hum. Then it hovered and came down slowly in a field near my
house. It was obviously some sort of spacecraft. After a few minutes,
a panel opened in the side of the craft and I could make out some
figures emerging. Fortunately, I have seen enough films and read
enough science fiction to understand the basic rules of etiquette when
encountering creatures from outer space.


I followed the 'friendly earthling' procedure - that is, I walked very
slowly towards the craft with my arms held away from my sides and the
palms of my hands facing forward. I looked upwards and hummed five
notes repeatedly while giving an ingratiating smile.

This is quite difficult to do when you are walking through long grass
and nettles at the edge of a field.

There were 27 aliens. They were about three feet tall, had rather
large heads and smooth, almost featureless mauve bodies. In fact, they
looked like out-size jelly babies. I was able to keep an expression on
my face to convey the message that I regarded three-foot mauve jelly
babies as the most normal thing in the world so as not to offend them.

One of them stepped forward to meet me. 'Take us to your best
restaurant,' he said.

This is not what I had been expecting. 'I thought you might want me to
take you to my leader,' I suggested.

'Dinner first, leader afterwards,' the jelly baby spokesman replied.
'That is, if we can fit him into our busy schedule.'

Another alien stepped forward holding a copy of the Good Food Guide.
They gathered round it, jabbering excitedly in strange, tinny voices.
Then 18 of them raised their hands in the air. They had obviously
taken some kind of vote and they set off purposefully down the road. I
went along, in case they had difficulty getting a table for 27 at that
time of night.

It turned out that eight of them were members of a parliamentary fact-
finding mission from outer space. The rest were spouses, research
assistants, interpreters and secretarial back-up. They told me they
were from Ipfu. I said I had never heard of that planet and thought it
might even be a new one on Patrick Moore.

'It stands for Inter-Planetary Federal Union,' the leader explained.
'A number of planets got together to pool their sovereignty in the
cause of economic and political development.'

He said they had first taken an interest in Earth when they came
across the spy satellites used to monitor the EU's Common Agriculture
Policy by checking on the number of hectares of set-aside and of oil
seed rape. The mission was due to submit a draft report to Ipfu on
measures to implement hygiene regulations on spacecraft, a programme
for standardising meteorites, possible directives on use of craters
for leisure purposes and setting up an inter-planetary authority to
oversee the disposal of rocket debris in space.

They also hoped to collect data on the recipe for a perfect salmon
souffle. The aliens found a restaurant and were impressed that it had
four stars. The head waiter gladly let them have a table for 27,
saying: 'We get all sorts in here.'

After a meal which lasted until 5am, they made their way back to the
spacecraft. 'Further research is required,' their leader said, holding
up the copy of the Good Food Guide. 'We shall return.'

When I make my report to the European Parliament about this strange
experience I will be able to pass on a useful bit of information. The
creatures from Ipfu have a special name for their spacecraft. They
don't call it a flying saucer; it is known as a gravy saucer.

If Anyone Can Add Any Further Data To This Suprising Occurence Would
They Please Mail Me On 100721,1140, Thank You!.